The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Shaping Up For A Super, Sober Summer!

[Mouseface]

Hey, I'm Mouse

This is 'Gerald', our trustworthy, non judgemental Bus, full of a variety of posters who have travelled long and far, or even just joined us a few stops ago.

This is a place where you can be who YOU want to be. 24/7, 365. This lovely place is just like your best friend, there's no slagging off, no judging, just us.

Drinking or not, embarrassed, fed up of the way things are, or just lonely of living the way drinking makes you do, come and take a peek and see what you think.....

THIS THE LAST THREAD WE HAD

AND THIS IS WHERE THE BUS WAS BUILT, WHERE IT ALL BEGAN

We can't wait to meet you, we won't bite! Well, unless you ask very nicely.

Take good care until we see you. :) xx

Good afternoon to all the bus Babes, and thank you so, so much for your words of encouragement and support. I wish I'd come on here sooner. You are all seriously fantastic and I'm not going to NC this time but I have digested every single one of your posts over the last couple of days and really relate to much of what you say. Especially baby and looking - oh no, I cannot do moderation in any way, shape or form. I've always thought (looking on the bright side ..) that it does have positive effects - I wanted to be at the top of my field - and I do know where it comes from (Lobster to her father: "I got a 2:1" - Lobster's father "and why didn't you get a First?") - not a bad thing, being told to aim high and I don't resent that really.

spanna thank you for your kind words and yay, day 80! Well done to you.

ma I love all the Alice poems and poor DD must have become sick of them - it was either that or Eliot and she used to laugh too much at those.

So ...... I didn't even need to take the advice of everyone on here, although I was going to, as the GP's surgery rang me this morning and said they needed me to go in - my GP is next in on Monday. Then the "local unit" who told me that I don't qualify for secondary care as I didn't actually go in with imminently suicidal thoughts telephoned me twice. They have slightly relented and said that if the three agencies they referred me to all come back and say that they are not qualified to deal with me (and I never thought I was that complex!) then they will offer me secondary care but there is a year's waiting list even if I am an "urgent" case. And that, apparently, is all I can do.

I've decided to get on with things. I have an interview tomorrow - I have my own company so it's a contract role for six months, which is manageable in my head.

I'm on day 27 and it's still OK, but I'm always cautious because I know how quickly my dark side can hijack my sober one. DD and I actually talk about the dark Lobster as a separate person, because it doesn't feel like me. DD says that I am a curious mix of incredibly low self esteem and quite high arrogance, and I think that's a pretty good description (obviously I don't like it - but it's fair). i don't think I suffer from depression as such, and I have many friends who do - it's only alcohol that brings on fits of "being depressed" rather than depression in any clinical sense. Not, really, that it makes any difference except to highlight that if I know this, why on earth do I pick up the bottle in the first place ....?

Enough rambling. The sun is shining, DD's group won a regional award yesterday and are through to the national finals, we're planning university visits and I have much to be thankful for. Especially joining all of you on here. to you all.

Oh Lobster
I'm happy to hear they rang back but what use is a year of waiting, fgs? Never heard of such a thing.

Congrats on DD's win! What does she do? Sorry if I missed it up-thread.

You are doing incredibly well, babes! Day 27!

Good luck with the interview tomorrow and keep on keeping on!

Thank you Khalisi! Hope you are having a good day. Yes, the year's wait slightly baffled me - and it's as "little" as a year only if you are seriously desperate!! I'm wondering whether they don't expect anyone in my area to have anything much wrong with them, or whether there are so many people with issues that resources are that stretched ... or maybe just general cuts?

DD's just completed her AS levels and this is a school-related business scheme type competition. If they win nationally (which I don't really think they will) they go to Europe.

Thank you so much for replying. I don't always hang around my laptop but I am here today researching the company I am going to see tomorrow .... and trying to eat more, in case she weighs me on Monday .

And whoever said upthread that their parents had sent them back to day one .... oh, I can so relate! I worked overseas for many years and used to need half a bottle of wine before even telephoning home ..... as Philip Larkin said, "they f* you up, your mum and dad" - and yes, I am 100% sure that I am guilty of the same!

Hi Isinde - cross-posted with you and thank you too for your reply - it's actually reassuring to know that it's common to have this kind of wait. And my GP is fantastic, really brilliant, so I have no complaints there at all - in fact I never mind if she's running late because it just means that someone before me needed her time, and she won't cut anyone short if they have a genuine need.

Glad to have provided a breakthrough! And I hope you enjoy your unhealthy lunch - I've managed to wean myself off recording my calorie intake in a spreadsheet (please, someone, anyone, tell me I'm not the only one ....) which is a triumph of sorts.

OK, back to my research. Have a lovely afternoon, everyone.

Hi again,

lobster. I could sometimes weep with relief at being sober, but like you say so accurately I almost take the shine off my sobriety by waiting in fear for the "next time", that makes me sad but I'm learning to live in the moment, none of know what's ahead.

When my crohn's was at it's worse, I was in constant stomach spasm pain but much worse incontinent, it made leaving the house nerve wracking and traumatic, I'd get in such a state if actually make myself need the toilet through the sheer panic and adrenilin I produced. Made the whole bloody process futile as I'd make myself ill!!! I only mention this because I'm treating my drinking the same way, I could worry myself into a relapse and that would help no one.

I now treat my sobriety like a project and have put routine into my day which gives me stability and goals. I take vitamins every day which I believe have helped me, placebo or not. I have a bath every night and cleanse tone and moisturise before bed. It's a silly wee thing but last week I stopped taking my vitamins, seemed to much like an effort opening all the futery tubs, I was just too tired fed up, I missed my bath, just too tired and fed up and didn't do my wee cleansing routine, just too tired and fed up- see the pattern. Taking these rituals away is a tiny subtle sign that I've stopped valuing myself and then the bigger things follow. Sooo instead of free falling into my usual descent I got a pill box and spent Sunday night filling up the days with all these vitamins so now it takes no effort and a teeny weeny example of not allowing the "darkness" to get in, I know it sounds like a ramble but it's all about knowing yourself, I have depression but it no longer has me!!!

ma I'm hoping for a miracle for you, I know your job is your anchor and you have so many things beyond your control that I truly hope you get some last minute reprieve, you deserve this at least xxx

spanna you are my ray of sunshine, always remembering me when I disappear and a lovely word for everyone, your a shiny little star and I remember your day 1 when you were talking about feeling lethargic, couldn't be bothered with the house, overwhelmed with the little things and you felt bloated and blah, baby look at you now!!! Keep shining. Xxx

khalisi your are a wonderful force of nature, all this running and optimism and warmth, also watching your wee romance grow and your trust with it is lovely. You been so supportive and I thank you xxxx

inside I luffs ya girl, your razor sharp mind and wit make me smile when your name pops up as posting. My dd2 is 4 and takes up every part of my heart and my tolerance,the thought of 2 of her makes me shudder with fear. Your a legend, RESPECT xxxx

looking. Thanks babe for your kind words, your sounding so so upbeat these days and are I'm so proud of you xxx

I need to go but I absolutely love every single babe, joey guggs sweet ruby venus mouse obrigada faire sweet beaches and all our lovely brave newbies and anyone I've forgotten coz I'm scared I'll lose this!!!!

Mwah xxxxx

Hey all. Yeah, think we really have run out of options...although I am aware I have been saying this now for about a year. It's almost a relief to know what we have to face now . only last possible lifeline is the military project and that's very slim. The amount the company hasnin the bank is probably less than some of you have in savings, and is all technically owed to lovely boss who has been working without pay for the last 6 months. The Board don't know this. Once they find out they will shut up shop. They have no option. I am drinking wine and eating chocolate and I don't care.

Hi all

Apologies, but haven't RTFT.

Is this the right place if I want to get things under control rather than 100% AF?

I really need to catch myself on. Have had a terrible year - lots of death and really hard stuff (which is no excuse, I know).

Thank you. Trooper

Welcome trooper yes, this is the right place.

Hi trooper your in exactly the right place. I'm so sorry things have been so tough for you but you'll find lots of lovely people and great advice and most of all support on our magical bus.

Tomorrow you will get a lovely warm welcome and your already a trooper for having the courage to post xxxxx

Good morning trooper and welcome! And a very good morning to all other Babes too. Trooper, I'm very new to the bus myself and have only been on here a week but yes, you are definitely in the right place and there is a wealth of experience, empathy, understanding and support on here. And that's after a week! I'm so, so sorry to hear that you've had such a rough year - bereavement has to be the worst - but you don't need excuses, even though we all make them. I think it's just that escaping, finding oblivion in a bottle etc is the reaction that some of us have when the pain feels too bad. Or sometimes it's unrelated to pain and can be due to complacency (me), boredom (me), happiness, stress or indeed any number of abstract noun emotions.

From what I can gather - and I haven't read each and every single post, but I'm trying to go through and get a good idea - there are some on the bus for whom moderation doesn't work and I am one of those - AF is definitely the only way for me, whereas plenty of others are aiming to control their intake, as you are. To be honest I am deeply envious that others have this level of control, but I've tried and failed too many times with that one. I kept falling down the same hole ..... this reminds me of a poem called Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson. It's about choosing a different path when you continue to make the same mistakes.

Wishing all the Babes a happy, sunny day and looking forward to the weekend.

Day 28 for me - four weeks down .... xxx

Sorry, baby, I posted without responding to your last post which reminded me so much of me that it was quite unnerving. Completely with you on the routines, the valuing yourself - this is how I feel in control and that things are back on an even keel. And absolutely - treating sobriety as a project is precisely what I am doing too, although I wouldn't have thought of that as an expression - it sums it up exactly. Thank you for that!

And ma - hope that you are doing OK this morning. I'm sorry that I don't know the full story although I've read more recent posts - is there anything that anyone can give practical help/advice with? Apologies if I speak out of turn.

Good morning, my dear friends,

Welcome, Trooper! Some of us try to moderate. But even for most of us 'moderators', it is a very tricky thing to do. I, e.g., do a relatively good job of it mostly but then, for some reason or the other I binge. But being on here is a tremendous help for me.

Oh baby and especially Isinde, you two have my sympathies. I was babysitting a friend's four year old boy from 5pm yesterday. OMG
Am absolutely exhausted! He has so much energy!
But they give so much joy, though too!
I am absolutely looking forward to the next time.

baby the romance thing. DD2 is coming home over the weekend. NF and I had planned to work in my garden. Now dd2 is an avid gardener. But for laying a terrace, I need him too. Totally stressed out between do I introduce them (dd has no problem with that) or not (I am not so sure).
Not because I'm not sure of him. But just because I am not sure. Still not completely over the shock of the idiot I dated before, I suppose.
He's very uncomplicated and I really do enjoy spending time with him.
But I'm also 'vigilant'.
My last experience and the MN relationship board has taken away any illusions about the honeymoon period!

Hang in there, Lobster. And enjoy the moments with dd. I was awake early today wondering if I woke up at 16, would I ever have kids at all?
I hate if questions because very little can come from them, you know what I mean? Its not like that would ever happen but once I start thinking things like those my head explodes.
But I know I am fortunate. I have two good young women.
Thank God for that.
But the guilt about the damage we inevitably do, when alcohol/depression/low-self esteem/etc. are involved is sometimes really hard to bear.

Hope How are you, babes?

Sweet Advanced Puppy school sounds sooo serious! So Pup is not only beautiful but well-mannered too!

This is becoming epic and I have to get on with work!

Will be back to properly NC later!

Happy Friday!
XXX

Good morning you lovely lot, once again I'm skiving and on my phone at work so not going to be able to nc everyone as scrolling back seems to lose it all! well my bum has been firmly in the side car since Monday, I've not really got a decent excuse (reasons used though are getting in late from high school open eve then dissection it with neighbour over wine, anniversary, post scouting wind down), still there's next week (yeah, 'the weekend' is my ready made next excuse). One day I want to be like you awesome passengers couting the weeks not just one day! I'm aiming for 3 days next week, that'll be a record for a while! Will try and catch up properly later with all the posts, it's just been one of those weeks!

Thank you lobster and of course you don't speak out of turn.
I am trying desperately to secure income and funding but every day is a day nearer the Board calling time. Lovely Boss cant work without pay any longer and without him at the helm, the Board wont let us continue.
Really sucks

Thank you for the lovely welcome, Babes.

Yes, two HUGE bereavements this year and I'm just next week starting back to work after some time off. (I will out myself with any other detail but I work with booze so can't get away from it - obv don't drink at work but my desk is covered with sample stock).

I'm seeing a counsellor next week/week after to begin to unpick my ishoos and it will be the first time I'm properly honest about how much I'm drinking.

Also DH and I have a wedding soon and could be doing with shifting some weight a stone which is motivating me. We're going to do MFP together. I hardly put any weight on when pg with dad - think 8 lb - and I'm 100% sure it's because I wasn't drinking. I'm not particularly big either, size 10/12.

I'm also catching up with a non boozy friend tomorrow afternoon to do something with the kids (I find weekend lunchtimes a trigger stage weekend because we're not out at night).

Looking forward to chatting some more.

Oh - Popcorn I'm aiming for 2 days next week and 3 the week after.

Well done everyone. I can already see how much support there is on here. I wish I'd posted earlier.

Have a good, sober or at least restrained weekend, whichever you are striving for.

Ummm.

*DD, not Dad!

trooper thank god it was dd, if you thought it was your dad you gave birth to you'd have more than ishoos!!!!! See humour in our struggle!!! Xxx

Hey all. Just checking in.been a tough old week.
Off to the VIP tent at Armed Forces Day tomorrow so lots of soldier ogling planned to take my mind off things.
I think we all have ishoos on here trooper. Associating with this bunch of nutters will probably give you more.

Quick hello and waves to all. Ma, so, so sorry about work stuff, hope you get some ogling distraction. Lobster, I wanted to say you write with such clarity and self-awareness, I love your posts (and your daughter sounds amazing too). Go you on day 28 - awesome, hugely well done!

Khalisi hope you reach a decision you're comfortable with about DD2 and NF - DD sounds way cool (as of course I'd expect from any daughter of yours!). Good luck, whatever you decide.

Spanna - you ok? Sweet? Mouse?? Hope Nemo is good, Mouse.

Baby your post from yesterday really, really resonated with me. So clear and so true. Thank you. I shall think of you when I take my make up off tonight (yep, that rang a bell) - though I got temporarily a bit muddled by your 'wee cleansing routine' which I read slightly wrong to start with!

Hi to Trooper and Popcorn - you're in the right place! Well done on all your achievements to date, so brave to take those first steps.

Sorry not to NC all - I've got a peach grilling to eat with some burrata and mint in the garden and I have to rush (am trying to pretend I am the kind of person who throws such things together on a regular basis, as opposed to the reality of things which is, err, different). The idea of serving it with a large chilled glass bottle of Chablis is attractive, but in an abstract kind of way. Its not going to happen and I am more or less at peace with that. Ish. Day 170 - maybe this really is the new normal..

Babyjane - I'm bad, but Jesus Christos on a bicyclette not that bad!

Dementedma - I thought I was in good company, now I'm sure

Good evening to all of you .... hope that everyone's had a good Friday. I had a dreadful wobble this afternoon but managed to get through it with determination and logic (a good combination for me) - the logic was to spend £1 on a Kindle book and justify that it was less than a couple of bottles of wine would be (and that would have just been the start of it) - I have a self-imposed rule that I am not supposed to buy any more books, either in paper or Kindle form, because the house is full of them.

Oh ma, I'm so sorry (not "sorry" as in I apologise but sorry for the situation you're in) to hear that. Is there a deadline regarding the funding and the boss working without pay? Have fun with soldier ogling though

Good luck trooper with your weekend - do you give yourself a limit as to units per drinking day - or per week? (I say, enviously!) Perhaps I can live vicariously through you and the other moderators - it's fine, I am interested; I have no delusions that I would be able to drink like that and happy for you that you can. I can't do anything unless it's to the extreme ....

Hello to you khalisi and yes, I do indeed treasure my time with DD, especially as this will be her last year at home before university. It will be weird - for 17 and a half years it's just been the two of us, and this will be good for us both - we're far too tightly knit and she can actually read my mind (ok, I don't really believe that but her antennae pick up on thoughts in a slightly eerie manner).

Sorry not to NC everyone but thinking of you all, hoping that you're out enjoying the temperate weather and looking forward to the weekend.

xxxxx

At the mo lobster I'm just trying to go to bed and remember going , not crash in at stupid o clock and wake DH

Going to gear up for the 2 days AF next week and take it week at a time.

Good weekend all x

Ah, smallfox, cross posted with you - that will teach me to multi-task and takes ages and thank you for the encouragement! That's made me so, so glad that I stuck to my guns this afternoon - really appreciate that! And I love your posts too - day 170? Blimey - I take my hat off to you! (looks for "doffing hat" emoticon.....)