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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and DD not getting on. What do I do?

52 replies

DizziDoll · 11/05/2015 23:17

DH and dd1(7) are really struggling in their relationship. DH was brought up quite traditionally and he claims he always behaved well. He worries that dd doesn't try hard enough and that she doesn't know how to behave socially. His way of dealing with this is to criticise her all the time.

I don't see a problem with dd. All the feedback from friends and teachers is really positive. Her table manners aren't great to be fair but I find it exhausting to keep telling her to sit down and eat with her knife and fork. What I do see is a lack of confidence. DH has been trying to 'fix' her since she was about 3 and I know dd feels she is not able to live up to his expectations. She has told me that she thinks her daddy doesn't like her and much prefers her brother. I suspect she is actually right and it breaks my heart.

Today DH accused me of turning her against him...

I just hate feeling like I have to defend.Dd from his attacks all the time and try and patch things up.

Dh does love her. I think he just doesn't actually like her very much.

What do I do??

OP posts:
AlfAlf · 11/05/2015 23:20

You have to stand up for her. Poor little thing :(

pocketsaviour · 11/05/2015 23:22

DH was brought up quite traditionally and he claims he always behaved well.

Is this code for "because I knew I'd get the shit beaten out of me if I didn't"?

Is his family from a different ethnic/cultural background, by any chance? I had similar troubles with a guy who was of Nigerian descent...

TendonQueen · 11/05/2015 23:26

Have you told him what she said about thinking he doesn't like her? If so, what did he say?

Is her brother very different in personality/habits? Or does he have the same faults but gets an easier ride?

Constant criticism isn't good and won't motivate her. You have to guard her against that.

NickiFury · 11/05/2015 23:27

They're not struggling in their relationship, that's not possible because it's not equal as HE is an adult. What he's actually doing is bullying your little girl, from a position of total power as her father and an adult and making her life a misery. What a prince. I hate him and I don't even know him. I couldn't love a man that bullies a 7 year old quite frankly and I would have ripped him a new one and ended this a long time ago.

Years ago my ex told my three year old ds to "stop acting like a girl" when he cried over something. I remember trembling with white hot rage and I told him he ever said that to my child again I would move out and take ds with me. He knew I meant it and he never said it again.

I'd be surprised if he doesn't bully you to to be quite honest.

Original poster
DizziDoll · 11/05/2015 23:27

No - same background. His parents just brought him up traditionally. Children must be seen, not heard and all that.

My MIL actually told dd off yesterday for not looking her aunt in the eye when she shook her hand to say goodbye. I responded that she is just shy and she had a go at me saying she doesn't agree and children need to be told... Hmm

OP posts:
Variousrandomthings · 11/05/2015 23:29

Buy DH a Book about parenting girls. Trawl through amazon looking at reviews

Jemimapuddlemuck · 11/05/2015 23:30

Bloody hell, I expected this to be about a teenager. She's a little child. What exactly is he trying to "fix"? If she's struggling socially I'd put good money on it being at least partly due to having her confidence eaten away at by constant criticism by one of the people who is supposed to love her the most. This will have massive repercussions for her in later life, especially in her relationships. Does your husband know she thinks he doesn't like her? If so has he tried to prove to her otherwise? Me and my DH have a different approach sometimes and he thinks I'm a soft touch but if either of our DCs said anything like that he'd be devastated.

Variousrandomthings · 11/05/2015 23:37

He's chosen to create a gaping growing abyss between them. Your dd is innocent and you need to demonstrate how to stand up to bullies

Original poster
DizziDoll · 11/05/2015 23:39

Tendon - I did but he thinks it's all BS.
I told him he should be the adult and take time to talk to her. He tries but when she doesn't open up to him after a few questions he just gets angry with her again.

She can be a little moody and teary but it's mainly due to tiredness in the morning and evenings.

Hed brother is just a lot more confident. He's less teary and melodramatic and when he gets told off it is like water off a duck's back.

So IMHO, dd is the one who needs more empathy and care.

Some days he just huff and puffs at everything she says or does. I don't think he realises it though. Should I record it and confront him with the evidence?

He doesn't bully me. If anything he feels I criticise him too much. Anything I say or ask of him he sees as a criticism. I think he is actually quite unhappy at the moment.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 11/05/2015 23:41

He sees everything you do or say as a criticism. Do you find yourself treading very carefully when wanting to raise issues with him?

Original poster
DizziDoll · 11/05/2015 23:42

Thanks various. I'll get him that book. He'll read it, I am sure.

He truly means well. He actually really worries about her. In doing so though, he is implying there is something wrong with her. She is a clever little cookie and she has picked up on this.

OP posts:
rootypig · 11/05/2015 23:43

She's 7. That is tiny. You must stand up for her.

Your MIL is an excellent clue to where your DH's attitude comes from, and nothing will change until your DH does some work on himself.

Have you thought about using a therapist to help you (you and DH) to communicate about it?

Joysmum · 11/05/2015 23:44

Had an issue last year with my DH and DD (before my DH finally admitted he was stressed and went to the docs. Different reason than yours.)

I told him he was the only one who had problems with her and warned him if continued he ran the risk of alienating her forever which really shock him up.

I told him I was happy to be the bad girl and do all the disciplin needed. He's left it to me and all of us are happier (plus he went on pills). Long may it continue.

Original poster
DizziDoll · 11/05/2015 23:45

Nicki - no, not really.

He is also very hardworking and does loads aroung the house. We are streched to our limits with time though so nothing really gets done properly and it is stessing us both out. I probably take it ou on him. I fear he takes it out on dd Hmm

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 11/05/2015 23:46

He's a misogynistic bully. Does he order you around too?

Book some sessions of family therapy now because if this parlous state of affairs continues he'll crush your dd's spirit and set her up for a lifetime of abusive relationships with controlling males.

With regard to her table manners which, incidentally, don't sound at all inappropriate for her age, take her for mother and daughter shopping sessions at the weekend and lunch in restaurants where she will naturally learn to sit throughout a meal and you'll be able to help her develop knife/fork skills without the sound of his constant carping.

How ironic that this ill-mannered man and his equally insensitive mother place such value on what they considers to be socially acceptable behaviour. Take no notice of your MIL - her apples haven't fallen far from the tree and that should be a lesson to you to make sure that your dd is empowered to become all she can be without fear of arousing the innate hostility of her father.

Original poster
DizziDoll · 11/05/2015 23:49

Joysmum - I recognise what you are saying!!

Last weekend he got angry at me for not backing him up and telling her off for something I chose to ignore (I tend not to reward bad behaviour with attention). I told him in no uncertain terms that I was not ganging up against her and the more he attacks her, the more I will defend her.

I wish someone else would tell him that he is the adult and is the one who needs to do something. Maybe then it wilm sink in.

OP posts:
Variousrandomthings · 11/05/2015 23:52

Is it how he says things? I talk to my children about table manners sometimes but it's done with humour, love, respect. I wouldn't want to crush them

Original poster
DizziDoll · 11/05/2015 23:56

I need to go to bed. Thanks for the support this evening. I love my dc so much it hurts and I hate seeing dd unhappy.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 12/05/2015 00:25

Keep reminding your DH that he can be kind and firm.
Being kind to your DD won't make him look weak. It won't undermine the message he is trying to teach her, in fact it may make it easier for her to hear it.
He should aim to be:
Calm
Clear
Consistent
Confident
Seek Co-operation (because in the long run you want her to learn how to make the right choices for herself).

PrincessTeacake · 12/05/2015 03:18

Op, this is your warning. He is running the risk of serious damage to her mental health and to their relationship, and you could be seen as an enabler if you don't get him to see sense.

My mother was very like your DH. I wasn't the kind of daughter she expected me to be and I'm still not, and it's very hurtful that she can't like me for who I am. Our relationship was destroyed early on and these days I tolerate her with a lot of eyerolling. I tell her nothing about my life, I don't rely on her and I could go months without talking to her. I have very little respect for her now, but for years I thought the problem was that I was an awful excuse for a human being and I developed pretty serious OCD to cope with the self loathing.

If that is the kind of life you want for your daughter, then let your husband carry on as he is.

noodle8000 · 12/05/2015 04:43

My dad was like this and caused lots and lots of problems to all of us daughters... I'd consider a separation if he can't learn to be only positive towards her. Since he has no filter and self-control in this regard, I don't think he should be providing any criticism constructive or otherwise of her at all, only positive words.

Original poster
DizziDoll · 12/05/2015 05:54

I might suggest a positive comments only weekend. If he is forced to only look for positives, he might start to see her that way.

My DF was like this when I was younger too. He doesn't remember as it turns out he is very proud of me now.

OP posts:
maras2 · 12/05/2015 07:02

Why would an aunt shake hands with a 7 year old?if the said aunt is DH's family,you can see where his nasty behaviour comes from.

NotJustaPotforSoup · 12/05/2015 07:10

If anything he feels I criticise him too much. Anything I say or ask of him he sees as a criticism.

So, it's ok for his 7 year old, but not for him?

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