DH and DD not getting on. What do I do?

[DizziDoll]

DH and dd1(7) are really struggling in their relationship. DH was brought up quite traditionally and he claims he always behaved well. He worries that dd doesn't try hard enough and that she doesn't know how to behave socially. His way of dealing with this is to criticise her all the time.

I don't see a problem with dd. All the feedback from friends and teachers is really positive. Her table manners aren't great to be fair but I find it exhausting to keep telling her to sit down and eat with her knife and fork. What I do see is a lack of confidence. DH has been trying to 'fix' her since she was about 3 and I know dd feels she is not able to live up to his expectations. She has told me that she thinks her daddy doesn't like her and much prefers her brother. I suspect she is actually right and it breaks my heart.

Today DH accused me of turning her against him...

I just hate feeling like I have to defend.Dd from his attacks all the time and try and patch things up.

Dh does love her. I think he just doesn't actually like her very much.

What do I do??

"I might suggest a positive comments only weekend. If he is forced to only look for positives, he might start to see her that way".

That is only two days out of seven, what about the other five?. Also such behaviour from him is deeply ingrained within his own pysche; look at his mother for instance. The apple did not fall far from the rotten at its core tree.

Family therapy would be more beneficial to you all, particularly your DH who needs a boot up his backside. I would also consider separation from him. This is so damaging for your DD for all the reasons already stated. Her relationship with her brother could also be damaged going forward as well (as she could see him as more favoured). You must never be seen to be the enabler in all this. Time for new methods to be employed by you now and what he has tried has simply made things worse for his DD (and DS); you've already seen him trying to "fix" her for the last 4 years.

"She can be a little moody and teary but it's mainly due to tiredness in the morning and evenings".

That emotional state is also due to her father having a go at her all the time. Does she back down with her brother as well when they bicker or flight?.

You have a choice re this man; your children do not. Get angry with him and stop trying to be peacemaker.

He has been picking on and bullying you DD since she was a tiny 3 year old.

He is setting her up for a life time of accepting abuse from men because this is what she is being taught to expect.

It is not DH and DD not getting on. How the fuck is a 3 year old meant to get on with any one? She was barely more than a baby when he started.

4 years of this is enough. You need to stop it now.

Bless her, she is only 7 and has a sexist father. I cannot imagine the hell she is going get when she is a teenager.

This has been an ongoing issue since she was 3 years old! totally unacceptable. One day your daughter will be a adult...she will not want a relationship with any of you if you allow this to continue.

I would put my daughter well being above a man any day. Poor girl I cant imagine what she must be feeling :(

I too was expecting to read about a difficult teenager, not a little 7 year old. Put quite simply, he is bullying her. Imagine it must feel for your little girl to be bullied in her own home.

His behaviour reminds me of the way myself and my sister were treated by our Dad and Stepmum. Neither of us have a good relationship with them now.

If he doesn't see how serious this behaviour is, I'm not sure where you can go except to end the relationship.

Please do persuade him to try only positive comments. Tell him that apart from anything else, they're much more effective at improving her behavior. Criticism tells her what she's doing wrong, but not what good behavior looks like.

I have the book 'Calmer, Happier, Easier Parenting' (from a MN giveaway!) and one of the things recommended is frequent, really specific praise. E.g. not 'Good girl, DD' but 'DD, I've noticed that you've been sat down for 5 minutes and not got out of your seat once. That's good table manners.'

It feels strange at first. And many times I've done it through gritted teeth ('DD thank you for picking up your clothes and putting them away' when what I really want to do is shout 'For goodness sake, you've only put away two things, your room is a state and I've got to cook dinner!')

But it really does work. My DDs feel better because they know I recognize their efforts and they know what behavior I like. And I feel better, and enjoy being around them more, for the same reason- I see all the great things they do rather than focusing on the negatives.

On reading your OP again I see that he says you're turning your DD against him.

As I'm sure you're already aware he is doing it all by himself.

Interesting she is tearful during the times he is about (morning and evening) and I don't like the idea of her being called moody: if this is his word then it's being used to label a natural behaviour in a negative way.

Shaking hands and making eye contact is for business meetings, not 7 years old girls. You need to stand up for her because she can't do it for herself. He needs to use positive praise. More gets achieved that way than through negative feedback. He will need to learn this through positive parenting books or a course. Don't say she is shy either. Just say she doesn't want to shake hands/hug/kiss thank you. It's her choice to have interaction:it's her body. I know this sounds extreme but it's just giving her choices and protecting her.

I feel sorry for you, OP, and your daughter. How is your son with your daughter?

Charitably, your husband might not know how to parent a daughter but that is no excuse. Don't know how to drive, have lessons. Don't know how to cook, read a recipe. Don't know how to parent a girl, get some books and read them.

Hi op I could have written your post myself almost word for word 2 years ago - my dd is 9 now. My dh is a lovely man but like yours had a very traditional upbringing. I also suspect both my dh and dd are to some degree on the autism spectrum as both see the world in black and white and find putting themselves in someone else's shoes difficult.

I agree with what people on here say and I called dh out on his bullying, it didn't help and like your dh he felt that I was overly critical of him and to some degree this perpetuated the cycle.

Although there were / are problems in their relationship there is a lot of love also and I don't believe ltb is an answer.

Here are some of the ways we have worked on things. Find a common ground a shared activity or hobby they can enjoy together. Talk about the things we love about each other and the things we don't like so much. Dh isn't a natural sharer so I make a point of sharing with dd all the positives dh says to me about her. I don't make excuses for dh and have also been honest with my dd, I don't like dh behaviour at times and we have had a good heart to heart. No family parent is perfect. But we do all love each other very much dh just has an odd way of showing it.

In all honesty I would have left if things had continued that way and I told dh this. He is working on his behaviour and things are infinitely better although not perfect. I wish you luck but I do believe you can get through this.

Hi OP. I was your DH. That's because I thought that the parent-child thing was based on fear. I was quite proud of never using physical force; in my mind that made a better parent than my mother.

Then one day DM saw me terrorising DD (about 5 IIRC). She told me off, and I asked her what she was objecting to? I was childrearing on the principles she'd taught me: inconsistency, relentless negativity, fear. How she wept. How I chuckled.

Then I started on ADs, therapy, and putting things right. Took a while. Hurt a LOT. Much better now though.

Chilli - i am so glad to read your post. DH is a good man and truly wants the best for all the DC.
DD is the eldest so we are all learning as we go along. To his credit, DH does always seek to improve and is open to changing once he is convinced it is the right thing to do.

DD's teacher suspects she is hyper sensitive (she complains of pain a lot and gets headaches from noise for example).

This morning the sounds I heard from DH with the dc was laughing (and some 'get a move on' to all of them). So it is not all doom and gloom all the time.

He likes to read up on things so I will get him one of the recommended books. I will also suggest family therapy. He will feel relieved to have a plan I think.

Thx for your support. It is great to be able to post things like this.

Have you discussed parenting approaches at all? If you have diametrically opposed views you are going to have a struggle - but you have to agree a way forward.

One thing struck me. Your DH seems to think certain things are important. Table manners/how to behave socially for example. You wrote
Her table manners aren't great to be fair but I find it exhausting to keep telling her to sit down and eat with her knife and fork. So something that is important to your DH you just cannot be bothered to back him up on? You don't have to criticise her for doing wrong - but you find it "too exhausting" to remind her and "too exhausting" to praise her if she does it well. I feel very sorry for your daughter. But there is a part of me that feels a bit sorry for your DH too. His parenting approach may not be ideal - but things he feels are important are not being taken into consideration.

I agree with a lot of what PP have said. But also I think all three of you are on a vicious cycle. I am not sure I can see anything positive for any of you at the moment:

He criticise DD
DD feels bad.
You (as he sees it) undermine him.
DD feels confused. Feels Bad.
DH probably confused and cross.
You are cross and defensive
You criticise him.
DH feels bad.
You feel cross.
DD feels bad for there being an argument surrounding her.
DH frustrated that what he feels is important is being dismissed/undermined so gets probably crosser and more critical the next time he sees something not done properly.

And repeat.

Yes his criticism is the starting point - you both need to agree to break this pattern. Does he see it as a problem? Do you ever think he parents "correctly" or well? Do you ever praise what he does/says. Does he ever do the same for you.

I hope you can find a way forward for all or your sakes.

BTW I hope my post didn't come across as too critical of anyone. I was really trying to point out that your DH is not just the big bad bully - but stuck in a cycle of behaviour - and that maybe you could help break that cycle by amending some of your behaviour too. If he feels he is the only one tackling bad table manners then he will probably fight "harder" as it were as he feels alone. If he feels you are doing it together and you are backing him up (not his method of criticising, but in the importance of the issue) then he maybe able to relax more iyswim)

Interesting that he criticises her all the time but can't take criticism himself. Is it possible he thinks that, now he is an adult, it is his turn to criticise - and he's infuriated that it's not having the same result?

What he's doing right now is destroying your daughter's self-esteem. It's also not useful parenting: she needs to think for herself and feel secure and confident to survive in the world. He needs to lead by example.

My father rejected and bullied me my whole life. Nothing good came of it. Your DH is acting on beliefs he should have questioned and hasn't.

DH is a good man and truly wants the best for all the DC.

Then he needs to learn how a good man should treat his daughters, as it looks nothing like this. Might help to ask him what the best actually is and how he thinks he's giving it to her.

He is wrong. But surely criticising someone criticising and saying to them that is not the way to get them to change is a not going to work either?

Can you go back to her teacher and see if she believes this is something that should be investigated further? Because sometimes teachers drop hints but are too subtle.

It could be that your DD really feels and experiences things far more intensely than "normal". It could also be that she struggles with eye contact - it can be a very aggressive thing to insist on. She could also be really struggling with "staying still".

It does sound like your DH is trying to force a square peg into a round hole, which could even be for the best intentions - but is damaging her.

MyFirstName - I agree with you. It isn't that I never back him up. I remind her gently to sit down and eat with her fork every day. I find it exhausting though as it makes mealtimes tense.

I sent him the amazon page of 'calmer easier happier parenting' and he immediatly replied we should get it. That is a fab first step in my opinion. We can build a cohesive approach together.

Mummytime - I believe she does feel thing more intensely. She does well at school though so is coping fine (with great support and understanding from her teacher).

If she's noise sensitive then there's a good chance that everything blurs painfully if he's on and on and on at her.

Your dh needs to understand that she feels her brother is favoured and she isn't liked, if he doesn't he will loose his dd...it really is that simple.

What are you doing to empower your dad? As well as you defending her, she needs strategies for letting her father know he is huyrting her!

Clearly that should be dd, not dad!

Have you told him that she has told me that she thinks he doesn't like her and prefers her brother?

If he feels you're very critical of him it may be that he then takes that out on her, so perhaps you could both work on positivity? (Unless it's because you have to 'nag' him to do stuff round the house in which case he needs to get a grip).

Disgrace - thank you for posting on here. I think stress levels have a lot to do with this situation so I hope DH finds a different way of coping, like you have. Hat off to you!!

I'm not sure about family therapy. I think you and your husband should do it together, but your daughter's not doing anything wrong. The problem is with your husband's responses and he really needs to work on that himself.

It may make your daughter feel like she's a 'problem child' and your husband may unconsciously continue the critical dynamic in therapy (a good therapist should be able to deal with that, but he/she can't control what comes out of his mouth).

Your DH has all the baggage of his upbringing to cope with so a change of mindset will take time.
Try foster a culture positivity in your home. Praise the good, in everyone in the family, including him- everyone likes to hear they've done well at something and it sounds like he had years of being ignored or criticised.
It's easier to pass on something when you are on the receiving end of it.