Don't want to leave, have to leave

[SmallPlace]

I have been with my partner for five years, we have a 15month DS.
Our relationship has been always up and down, let's say passionate and rich in difference of opinions. My partner is most of the time supportive and loving, I find him attractive and interesting but he does have an occasional problem with controlling his anger.
On Friday he was looking after DS while I was at work. That was the first time he looked after him in months because DP was busy working on an important project, so I took care of the baby and the house, and the meals (with help from his mum two days a week to be fair) on top of my PT work. He would come late, after we were sleep and leave after breakfast. I was exhausted by the end of it and so was he. On Friday I came home and found that the baby didn't have his nap at his usual time because he was taken on an errand that DP had to do (he was asleep in the afternoon which meant that it would take me much much longer to settle him in the evening) and I told off the DP, telling him that he needs to put the baby first. There was a bit of resentment in my voice because the DP has just been sleeping and emailing since the project finished, I honestly didn't have much help from him, or an acknowledgement of how hard I worked to support him. He yawned, I repeated what I said. He lost it then, just in a second, grabbed the sleeping baby, stated to shout, left the room, I went after him and he pressed me against the wall and yelled and yelled in my face (while still holding the stunned DS).
This is not the first time this happened, but has been more than six months and we had counselling in the past. I thought we're past it and were solid together. He never apologised unreservedly when it happened before. He always qualified it with "what did you think would happen when you talk to me like that", and while it's awful that he did that I need to take responsibility for my behaviour. I find it hard to say it's my fault. I have been guilty in the past of escalating arguments but this time I can put my hand on my heart and say that it was him that lost it. Besides, I don't think there's ever justification for agression and physically threatening behaviour.
We tried to talk about it the next day but we had another argument. He won't take responsibility for himself.
It's been quiet in the house since, but I feel that a line has been crossed with him shouting at me like that while holding the baby, and while I don't think my life will be easier or happier without him I don't think I can live pretending this never happened and I don't want my son to grow up with scenes like this.
I'm going to suggest counselling again but I'm so scared if he doesn't take responsibility I will have to leave. I really don't want to do that.

So sorry to hear that Namechanger, it's shit isn't it, and so unfair

We WILL get through this.

I reached out to WA and they gave me phone numbers and some useful info.

Talking to my counsillor though (I've been seeing her for a while before this, dealing with a bereavement., miscarriage and PND at the same time) she agreed that abuse is a strong word for my relationship with DP, he's been nothing but kind and supportive in my darkest days (and I have not been easy to live with by any means). But she also agreed that what happened is very serious and that I'm right to take a strong line and insist on apology and counselling. He did apologise but it took a few days of talking, arguing, crying to get there and it makes me sad that I had to extract it from him... I still feel we haven't arrived at a closure, hopefully counselling will help. A line has been crossed for me and if I don't feel that he's taken on board how serious and messed up his behaviour was. I'm determined to be responsible and leave, this truly is a deal breaker for me.

I draw my strength from the thought that I'm doing the right and responsible thing for my DS, as you are too.

Have you definitely come to the conclusion that ending the relationship is the only way? Did this happen before? How old are the DC?

Be strong Namechanger, you know and your instinct knows what's right.

Is your counsellor aware that a similar incident happened 6 months ago and you had counselling after that one, as well?

I don't know how many chances you're going to keep giving this man. What's your limit? Are you going to wait until he actually hits your baby?

Yes she is aware that there were previous incidents.

The couples counselling happened earlier, when I was pregnant and I am aware that it may not work and that I may have to leave if I don't see him take responsibility but I am not yet prepared to give up this relationship and we're going to try again, and with a specialist counsellor.

Trust me, this IS my limit. I am feeling strong finally and have a clear mind and I am prepared to leave if I don't see that counselling is not giving the results I need to stay in the relationship.

abuse is a strong word for my relationship with DP
Blimey - that does not sound good coming from a counsellor.
The only acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship is NONE!!
NONE!
That is why no-one on here is telling you stay and work at it.
He is abusive and violent. And it's not a one off!
No-one (especially a counsellor) in their right mind would suggest staying.
That's just asking for trouble.

Unfortunately I agree with hellsbellsmelon.

I think abuse is a strong word for my relationship with DP is a very worrying statement from your counsellor, as if they too might be minimising his behaviour?

I believe that counselling is a big no-no in any sort of abusive relationship, I did look into the possibility of counselling with my H, but in the end the only suitable ones were domestic violence perpetrators courses, which he didn't want to do.

What was your earlier incident? Did your H apologise or make any amends for his behaviour?

I'm glad you have a clear head and know your limits, it's hard to stay strong in breaking up your family when all of your instincts are telling you to do the opposite.

I have been engaging with H for months, and all that has come out of it is a big long list of things I have done wrong, which lead to the breakdown of communication and was therefore the reason he strangled me and hit me in front of our 7, 5 and 2 yo children. Just a few weeks ago he said it's 'unlikely' to happen again, as we have both realised what we were doing wrong in the marriage . So for me there is no choice, and he is aware of this but does not want to change.

In fact he will be getting divorce papers from my solicitor this evening, and I am scared about his reaction. But I know it has to happen, even though I have cried, had counselling, asked opinions and generally tried my hardest to find another way out of this mess.

Ultimately, the only acceptable amount of abuse is none. I was so far away from this I didn't believe it to be true, and I didn't believe that other people lived in abuse-free marriages.

Would your husband join a domestic abuse course? This would help him to address his behaviour rather than couples counselling which may deflect the blame away from him?