Problems with children, new partner and ex

[needwine2015]

Name changed for this.

I split with my EA bastard ex husband and have since met someone else. Ex has not coped with me moving on, had threats to shoot us with the children in the house, kill our parents, generally he's been a complete psychotic arse, which wasn't unexpected. Police are aware. New partner is amazing, nice, and normal and we're really happy.

I waited a reasonable amount of time before introducing him to the kids (6+10) as I wanted to make sure the relationship was going somewhere (and he wasn't another psychotic arse!) Ex then issued new threats that he doesn't want new partner anywhere near his kids (only youngest is actually his) and has been quizzing the kids every time they go to his house (he has them once a week)

This weekend they came home and told me that daddy isn't happy and they had told daddy that new partner had been play fighting with them and winding them up and that I had told them off (all very unfair in the eyes of a 6 year old) He did play fight with them, I was cooking dinner and they were messing round in the front room arguing over a PlayStation remote, it ended up with them all rolling around on the sofa, all very good naturedly. I came in and generally told them all to pack it in as they were being loud and I don't like them rolling on the sofa That was it, it didn't end in tears, nobody was upset and it wasn't even anything that particularly sticks in my mind.

Now the kids have gone to ex and told him that new partner was winding them up and fighting with them and they got into trouble. Ex told them that "if he does it again, I'll do it to new partner and see how he likes it"

I can't talk to ex like a normal person and explain that is was nothing because he isn't one and he'll just scream and threaten me. New partner is getting fed up with the whole situation and said last night if it's going to cause problems he'll just see me when I haven't got the kids again. I don't think the kids did anything on purpose to cause trouble, but they've obviously exaggerated the whole story and unhelpfully made the situation worse.

I'm not quite sure how to handle it, I don't want our relationship to suffer, the kids really get on with new partner and ex is NC and contact with the kids goes through parents, so it's easy to ignore him and hope he fucks right off grows up. But the constant threats which is he is now making through the kids because he can't contact me any other way just isn't on.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

For all we know the eldest child thinks this man is their father...!

I agree that in an ideal world neither child should have contact with this man, however in a legal world it is not that simple, and the youngest child has a right to a relationship with his father regardless of op's wishes atm. Whereas she can cease all contact between the eldest and this man without recourse.

So I would suggest she do exactly that and then go through proper legal channels to limit contact with the youngest.

What do you mean 'if'?

The point is actually that in an ideal world this man should not see either of these children. However, abusive men do have the right to see their child and only in very extreme circumstances is it possible to legally cut contact completely. For the moment he should only see his one biological child at a contact centre.

Xpost with wannabe, we've said almost exactly the same thing.

There will not be a point with ex where you having a new partner is ok.

I would reduce contact to any level. I would be very concerned about the influence he has on your children. I think you are dong the right thing getting legal advise as what is morally the right thing and legally what you can do.

As for no contact been right...Despite the belief that a relationship without both parents is damaging .Realtionships sometimes with a parent is just as damaging

Regina, was your father abusive?
No?
Then the play fighting is not significant.

This is what hissy was saying.

I see the OP has disappeared...
OP if you are reading, do get yourself some help to recalibrate your boundaries, hopefully you are just fine but, as a precaution.

Good luck
With your recovery journey, and to your DC in theirs.

The play fighting is not significant here either. So why was she harping on about it?

The children and their mother have experienced EA.
Play fighting is therefore significant.

I see what you're saying. But we don't know enough about the Older Child's relationship with the dad.

Maybe revealing that this guy isn't the father is too much right now? Who knows?

Either way if this child loves this man as his dad it really would be unfair to restrict access to this important adult and allow the younger one to carry on seeing him

I can see why the legality would change things though.

No it is not because the person who was abusive was not the person who was play fighting with her children that was her new DP. He is not her ex so why point the finger at him when he has done nothing wrong?

If you read the thread you see why this is a flag.
It's not about punishing or finger pointing, abusers take a while to reveal themselves, so to keep the children away from the new partner for a couple of years is SAFEST.
It's not as convenient bit the children should come first.

New partner rolling around with children is not a good sign, the childrens boundaries have possibly been violated by their step/father already, so are even more vulnerable.
They are completely reliant on their mother for protection, who does not seem to recognise death threats as something the police should be informed of.

The new partner may just be inexperienced, bit that scenario was not supportive of his partner.
If that was the first meeting I find that alarming.

But it wasn't the first meeting. OP has already said she waited a reasonable amount of time before introducing the children which leads me to believe the play fighting wasn't the first time.

You ARE painting the new partner with the same brush as the ex and that is unfair.

To say a women should not progress with a new partner for a couple of years is outrages and again unfair. This is what I mean about the women being punished because of an abusive ex.
Basically you had a crappy controlled life before and you should continue to have a crappy and controlled life afterwards because every bloke you meet will turn into an abuser Do you not see how ridiculous that is.

The issue isn't the new partner it is the abusive ex and the more posters spout on about red flags and the new DP's potential to become and abuser the less you are focusing on the real issue. THe EX

^^ YY

I agree that the issue is the EX, and further damage had occurred by lack of appropriate boundaries in place, suggesting that Mum needs some help around this.

If someone was bereaved I would suggest professional help, the same if there has been EA / DV.

The OP has vanished and I have said all I can say really, and more, so here we part company.

Best of luck OP.

I think the OP has vanished because of all the scary 2 you have no future with men you stupid women you clearly pick the wrong blokes" posts.

Help yes, counselling definitely, told every bloke you meet will abuse you....not so much.

" not 2

Regina love, back off a bit eh? You are being very rude and unjustifiably so. i don't deserve it, so pack it in.

I understand why you say what you say, but it's because you (fortunately) don't have sufficient experience in this area.

Nowhere have I said she was stupid - you said that
Nowhere have I said that she will have a crappy life - you said that

WHAT I did say was that without counselling to overcome the negative programming of years of abuse, there is a greater risk of history repeating itself.

This stuff won't go away by itself. It can be suppressed, but WILL come out somehow, sometime, often decades later, and it will demand to be dealt with. Abuse really is THAT serious. And yeah, it is shit that we have to do so much to recover from the whims of inferior, pathetic little twats like the ex mentioned here, but we CAN recover and go on to a decent, happy life, these twats will always be so. There is more hope than despair, but we have to take responsibility for our recovery.

A 'reasonable' amount of time before introduction was not quantified on this thread, so you can't actually comment in this regard. It could be 6m. Any common or garden person can keep up a pretence for 6m, likewise you can learn a lot of good things about a person in that time too.

Expecting a person to wait 2 years before introducing a new partner is, again, not what I said. I didn't even mention the time that should or should not be taken before introductions.

What I said was that it can take up to 2 years for some abusers to show themselves. If you know what to look for you can be more confident in your choices. An abuse victim is not stupid, very far from it actually.

I'm not saying that the new boyfriend is abusive, but I am merely raising the issue of increased risk due to past history, and a need for vigilance. Because of the mention of roughhouseing. No other reason. As I said, the boyfriends reaction and modified behaviour will be key here. We don't know the full story as it's not been shared. And that is fine.

The issue is the ex, but he is out of the home. If he is threatening the op, then the police need to be told, it needs to be logged as it may help protect he family in future.

In any event I'd suggest woman's aid for advice on this, on a non mol order, and advice on ensuring the ongoing mental and physical safety of the family.

Regina, perhaps you can point out who said every bloke you meet would be abusive? Oh, you again?

Does that include all men? Your H, DS?, mine? Now that's stupid...

But there is no evidence of lack of boundaries here. none.

Woman meets man, they develop a relationship,after a significant time man is introduced to woman's children, they appear to get on well. One day man and children are play fighting on the couch and woman tells them to stop. the end. If there had been no history of abuse here no-one would have batted an eyelid over the playfighting. In fact the only reason the playfighting was even mentioned was because the ex had said through his children that he would harm the op and her dp.

The fact the children told the ex they'd been told off is irrelevant. Sometimes children get told off by one parent and they relay it to the other.

But the way the thread has been interpreted here is:

Op came out of an abusive relationship, the abuser has gone on to issue death threats against her. sh has since met a new dp, abuser has issued death threats against him as well. Children have met the dp, abuser has issued more threats. But the op is the one at fault forgoing against the abuser? because that's how it reads from the replies.

People need to stop projecting.

"1 in 4 (1 in 3) women report abuse in a relationship at some point in their lives. This means that while 1 in 3 or 4 men are abusive, and we do need to be wary somehow"

Hissy, I can't let this pass as it is so totally and utterly wrong. It only means that we can conclude one in three or 4 men are abusive IF everyone only has one relationship ever with one person and this is manifestly not the case.

On a very simplistic level, assuming a women has five to ten relationships over her life and is abused in one of them, she becomes on of the 3/4 women statistic. The man who abused her may have had ten relationships in which he abused his partner. The numbers become very complex and unquantifiable at that point.

Yes, it is often likely that an abused woman goes on to further abusive relationships without proper counselling but some do not. You can't abuse statistics like this to support such a sweeping conclusion and then state it as fact. It is unfair to people of both sexes.

Why is it so important that this man sees his DC.? This man that threatens to kill the dcs mother

Go for as less access as possible, and try to steer the children away from this man as he is after all not a good influence. Less is better.

OP I hope you come back though I understand why you probably won't.

Unfortunately you've fallen pray to a certain type of poster; one who not only assumes that only she has experience with DV, but one who will act like a dog with a bone, will argue a point ad nauseum because she doesn't like to be told there is an alternative viewpoint and one who is more concerned with being right about every, single, solitary incident being DV that she won't even particularly care about your particular situation anymore, she will just concentrate on hounding everyone who disagrees with her off the thread.

Please don't doubt your parenting or ability to safegaured your dc based on your partner play fighting.

Hissy get of your horse. You sound like an idiot.

You love telling posters they don't know what we are talking about and as I said in my first post to you And before anyone pipes up with the "you don't know what you are talking about bollocks" you don't know me and I don't care how self important you think you are so keep your opinions of my advice to yourself.

^^That still stands.

In a little bit of defence of hissy, I think sometimes people who are closely related to a problem can often be hypersensitive to signs.

I know I used to be. My sister suffers with anorexia and bulimia, we went to counselling as a family and it really makes you sometimes see things thatvareny there. For example I remember being overly concerned that a 15yo girl I knew was eating (what seemed like) only diet yoghurts. (Ignoring the fact she was happy and healthy) I was thinking she shouldnt be doing that, was looking for 'tell tale' signs in other stuff she was doing, because I was super aware of the issues surrounding eating disorders.

This girl was just eating yoghurt, most are of the 'diet' variety.
But the point is, I still know what the "red flags" are, but sometimes they are just isolated and unrelated incidents and it can be hard to "not see things" and also it can be useful, bit only in real life when you know a bigger picture of what is going on.

However I still stand by the fact that too much is being read into the play fighting in this case!

In a little bit of defence of hissy, I think sometimes people who are closely related to a problem can often be hypersensitive to signs.

I agree however Hissy has the attitude that her advice is the only advice that should be listened to and puts everyone else down which does not endear her to anyone.

I think Walters post is spot on.

Oh, yes, I agree :)