Problems with children, new partner and ex

[needwine2015]

Name changed for this.

I split with my EA bastard ex husband and have since met someone else. Ex has not coped with me moving on, had threats to shoot us with the children in the house, kill our parents, generally he's been a complete psychotic arse, which wasn't unexpected. Police are aware. New partner is amazing, nice, and normal and we're really happy.

I waited a reasonable amount of time before introducing him to the kids (6+10) as I wanted to make sure the relationship was going somewhere (and he wasn't another psychotic arse!) Ex then issued new threats that he doesn't want new partner anywhere near his kids (only youngest is actually his) and has been quizzing the kids every time they go to his house (he has them once a week)

This weekend they came home and told me that daddy isn't happy and they had told daddy that new partner had been play fighting with them and winding them up and that I had told them off (all very unfair in the eyes of a 6 year old) He did play fight with them, I was cooking dinner and they were messing round in the front room arguing over a PlayStation remote, it ended up with them all rolling around on the sofa, all very good naturedly. I came in and generally told them all to pack it in as they were being loud and I don't like them rolling on the sofa That was it, it didn't end in tears, nobody was upset and it wasn't even anything that particularly sticks in my mind.

Now the kids have gone to ex and told him that new partner was winding them up and fighting with them and they got into trouble. Ex told them that "if he does it again, I'll do it to new partner and see how he likes it"

I can't talk to ex like a normal person and explain that is was nothing because he isn't one and he'll just scream and threaten me. New partner is getting fed up with the whole situation and said last night if it's going to cause problems he'll just see me when I haven't got the kids again. I don't think the kids did anything on purpose to cause trouble, but they've obviously exaggerated the whole story and unhelpfully made the situation worse.

I'm not quite sure how to handle it, I don't want our relationship to suffer, the kids really get on with new partner and ex is NC and contact with the kids goes through parents, so it's easy to ignore him and hope he fucks right off grows up. But the constant threats which is he is now making through the kids because he can't contact me any other way just isn't on.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

01 re rough housing and your denial of a link with DV? With respect, you don't know what you're talking about here, or on the subject of contact and perceived danger.

A death threat IS illegal, and it is a massive risk to both former partner AND child.

Those children need protecting, just as OP needs protecting? It has to come from you though OP.

Rogue ? There, sorry

Hissy

How do you know what my experience is? You have no idea, so don't presume things.

I was just pointing out that just because someone play-fights, it doesn't automatically make it DV

I'm not an idiot, I know a death threat is illegal, I never said it wasn't...

I was merely pointing out that if access is restricted/cut-off it should be for both children, not just one, because biology isn't all that is at play here. It would be entirely unfair for the eldest to have no contact whilst the youngest does, because for all we know, the older child thinks this man is his dad, or has been his father most of his life, or is significant person in his life. And if... if, the father doesn't pose a threat to the children, there is no reason to restrict access.

Calm down please?

The reason I said what I said is because your advice and perception of the situation is wrong. I'm not attacking you, pointing it out only.

If you do know the right thing to suggest, it'd be to report the ex to the police for the death threats and look into a non mol, removing access and explaining in an age appropriate manner that some people get angry, and say things and threaten things that perhaps they don't mean. These things however are serious enough not to take chances.

plus it would teach the ex that he has no control over anyone anymore, and to behave like a normal person if he wants to be treated like one.

Which of course he isn't.

Of course a violent, abusive man who has made DEATH THREATS to the dc mother IS a risk to the children. Physically and emotionally.

Playfighting does form part of precursors to dv. It takes on average 2 years for abusers to show themselves, and unless you've done the therapy, freedom programme you are at an enormous risk of picking another abuser as a partner.

I'm not saying this is the case with this guy, but the play fighting is significant, and the danger to children where Death threats have been made to anyone is also significant. Please don't anyone kid themselves on this.

Normal abusers don't actually always make death threats, only seriously abusive bastards do.

Op, contact woman's aid and get some advice about a non mol, and how to protect yourself and your dc. They neither should have contact for a while until their safety can be guaranteed.

And if you haven't done the FP, AND therapy, please look into that asap.

You can't just shake off abuse, the damages caused by it won't heal itself.

But if you do the therapy etc it gives you the strength and confidence you need to act as a repellent to abusive types.

It's not a cure all, it's not infallible, once abused, there will always be a risk it could happen again. Vigilance and caution help keep your head together.

Your new guy does sound promising, but I don't like the rough housing, as I said. I don't know how long you have been together and if this is the only thing, and he's dealt with it, that is promising.

It's not always what people do, it's how they react to some things that shows you who they are.

Take care op, you've done well to get away from that vile man, I just want you to stay safe and live a long and healthy life.

Likelihood of the ex ftfo and leaving you in peace? Practically nil.

there's a difference between play-fighting/rough housing with kids/partners and someone actually being abusive

Well said.

I have been in exactly this position. Constant threats via the children to kill me and dp.

I got a non molestation order naming me and the children. He refused to defend himself in court and stormed out. He was offered contact in a contact centre and refused that. He demanded unreasonable contact (every weekend) which was refused and the offer for every other Saturday in a contact centre was offered and refused again.

My youngest is emotionally disturbed by the constant brain washing by him. His threats have damaged her and I'm slowly repairing the damage. Order runs out later this year and I'll be applying to renew it.

OK :)

Well said hissy I see you know your onions.

There's Other stuff that is raising flags to me, that suggests OP needs a bit of healing. And the children should just be left with mum for a bit to build that relationship. I don't see how the introduction of a new partner is in their best interests at this time.

If the op lets her ex dictate who she sees or has around the children, where will it end? If he objects to friends/family should she stop contact with them too? It's not about the partner it's about the ex trying to control things. I hope you get something sorted.

Family annihilation is more common than the media lets on. Your ex sounds unhinged and yep,I agree with HIssy, he sounds like the type of man who would hurt your children to punish you. Definitely stop contact with the eldest. I never understand the "it's good for the children to see the man who upsets and abuses their mother argument"

I have been in a very similar position and exh kicked off in a scary way when I had a new partner.

I agree that for your ex it is all about control and trying to prevent you moving on but I also think you should take it very slowly with a new partner. Does he really have to have contact with your dc that involves rolling around on the settee?

Looking back, I had a new partner on the scene far too soon for me and my children to adjust to being a family without their father. The situation was volatile as yours is and I should have let it calm down before thinking I could move on.

When you meet someone new there is all the excitement and you think, this one is different, I will introduce him to the dc because I feel it is a serious relationship. I ended the relationship with the new partner after a year and I had to call the police after he made violent threats against me even more serious than Exh.

Of course I can only see all this clearly having been on my own with the children for nearly a year.

sakura "Definitely stop contact with the eldest."

Why just the eldest child?

Genetics are irrelevant here.

The man is either a danger, or he isn't. If he is, neither child should have contact.

If he isn't, then to cut contact for just the eldest would be unfair and not right, as they would lose their 'dad' and the youngest would not.

Oh good god Hissy !!!

My dad play fought with me and my siblings. It was fantastic fun on a Sunday afternoon when last of the summer wine was on and in 48 years of marriage I can assure you he has never once hit her.

The ex is the problem not the new partner.

MN loves it's red flags and frankly the way some of you talk no women should enter in to a relationship ever again!

OP See your solicitor and contact the police. If you feel that your new partner is safe then no strangers on here can tell you otherwise. You have already lived with an abusive partner and I would imagine you will take steps to ensure you don't go down that road again. Your ex is unhappy about the break up and most controlling abusive ex partners find it impossible to just stop even after years of being split up.

And before anyone pipes up with the "you don't know what you are talking about bollocks" you don't know me and I don't care how self important you think you are so keep your opinions of my advice to yourself.

Peace and love

It doesn't matter how long she was split before moving on. I was on my own nearly seven years but ex still didn't like it when I got someone new. Seven years!!!

Men like that have a need to control. The last court case his solicitor very unwisely asked me if I had agreed to remain single until my youngest was 18 and never to take my children on holiday. My youngest had just turned six at this point. I said a firm no to that and he said, well ex has suggested you did agree to this. Why would anyone agree to that? He was found guilty on that occasion as well. Making threats to kill me. Again.

He just won't learn and I will keep my kids safe by keeping him away for as long as the legal system helps me to.

"MN loves it's red flags"

Well said! by the MN Red Flag Logic seen in this thread, every person on a diet is anorexic!

so, the ex is the one who has made death threats against the op and it is the new partner who should be viewed with suspicion while the childrne's relationship with the abusive ex should be upheld? riiight.

children, especially boys, playfight. the word red flag is used on here almost as much as the term victim blaming and it is tedious.

some on mn have become so obsessed with the need to label every man as a potential abuser that they have in fact lost sight of what is normal. Just because the op has been in an abusive relationship before does not mean this man is an abuser. And where should the ex's control end? should the op not introduce children to a new friend either? whether male or female? spend time with family because the ex doesn't approve?

The op has done nothing wrong. She is entitled to have a new partner and she is the children's mother and has made a decision as to when it is appropriate for those children to have been introduced. And by all accounts the children and the new dp get on well. But let's assume the op's judgement is lacking because her ex is a psycho who has made death threats against her. Note the term ex here.....

Oh dear.
Missing the point spectacularly.

what's the point then bill?

Regina the playfighting is not significant in a normal relationship/household.

There is history of serious abuse in this household, which renders the victim more likely to repeat history. therefore, playfighting in isolation is not an issue, but when there has been abuse anywhere in the mix then it is.

play fighting IS very much a part of an abusers toolkit.

I am merely disputing the statement that playfighting isn't relevant, it is.

the OP will be at a high risk of falling into an abusive relationship, as she has done already. note that her childhood will have 'groomed'/prepared her for this to some extent. a healthy upbringing/self esteem would kick these abusive twats in to the long grass at the very first sign of twattishness.

the fact that DP play fought with her DC may or may not be relevant, we don't know enough about him, and if the OP has known him as a boyfriend anything less than say 2 years, then she can't be 100% sure she knows him either.

I know this is a bit of a doom and gloom post, and I sincerely hope that my comments aren't applicable, but it's better to be aware of the risks and to keep an eye on situations as those with manipulative agendas move very slowly and the signs are very slight.

When you do the FP/Therapy, this is what you learn; to watch out for small things that add up to bigger things. to work out what is and isn't acceptable to you and to know that you have the power to accept or reject how others treat you.

Just because the op has been in an abusive relationship before does not mean this man is an abuser.

No Wanna but as you know, the chance of a former victim of DV meeting another IS higher than it is for other people. The familiarity/comfort/ease we feel with another person must be viewed with suspicion somehow, as what we are used to IS abuse.

1 in 4 (1 in 3) women report abuse in a relationship at some point in their lives. This means that while 1 in 3 or 4 men are abusive, and we do need to be wary somehow, it means more importantly that 2 in 3 or 3 in 4 men are NOT. We need to understand this and ourselves as best possible so that we can minimise the risk of repeat DV/Abusive/unhealthy relationships.

Regina the playfighting is not significant in a normal relationship/household

Hissy Are you now saying my household wasn't normal

The house in NO LONGER home to the abuser, the play fighting happened between the new DP and the children, the ABUSER played no part in it.

Frankly you like the sound of your own voice and you will see red flags everywhere. You are so focused on the new DP being an abuser that you completely overlook the actual abusers actions.

It appears a women will constantly be punished because of an abusive ex if they take the advice given by those who deem theirs the holy grail.

Yes be wary but do not tar everyone with the same brush. You are effectively calling the OP stupid as you do not think she is able to see the signs. Yes some women constantly fall into abusive relationships but not all and I will not judge a women based on the 2 relationships she has told us about.

If he isn't, then to cut contact for just the eldest would be unfair and not right, as they would lose their 'dad' and the youngest would not

What? The older child would be 'losing' an abusive nutcase who is not even their biological father.

If anything's unfair it's that the youngest has no choice but to remain in contact. It should only be in a contact centre for the time being.

You need evidence. You need to use voice recording on your telephone to record any telephone conversations or stop using the telephone and only communicate with you ex. through written messages

The point is twinkle if the father is abusive, then neither child should have contact, genetics aren't important here.