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Original poster

How do I deal with his jealousy?

66 replies

howtodealwithjealousy · 11/05/2015 10:35

DP is amazing, I absolutely love him to bits, but we've had a few problems recently with his jealousy.

We went out recently and an old friend from my uni days was there. We chatted for a while, he went to meet up with his other friends, all was fine. My friends who I were out with started saying about how he'd recently had a child, but it wasn't his girlfriends - we were talking about how, even in his uni days, he'd always been a cheat and as nice as he is we feel really ba for his girlfriend and think he's a bit of a twat. It was mentioned casually that both me and another friend had had a ONS with him years ago and that he's always been a bit of a ladies man in that regard. He also has a habit of getting in touch with both of us only when he thinks his girlfriend isn't giving him enough sex, and if he knows I'm single will always try his luck (I reject him very clearly every time!!) - it's become a bit of a joke among us, and everyone involved knows that nothing would ever happen, he's just being a bit of an arse when he complains to us about stuff like that.

DP got very jealous about it, and on the way home forbade me to go out with this guy. I got really angry and explained that there's nothing going on, and never will be. I explained that I'm not angry because I want to keep in touch with him, but because I don't like feeling controlled by having DP tell me I can't. He says he got so jealous because when the guy was talking to me he was apparently leaning in really close (I didn't even notice tbh) and of course he's going to be wary of a guy that cheats so openly,who I once slept with, and who has propositioned me several times since. We chatted about it and it all got sorted out, he saw it from my point of view, said he trusted me and apologised.

The other night the guy sent me a text (just a general 'how you doing?') and I mentioned it to my DP, making a joke about how I bet his girlfriend isn't giving him enough sex again in his eyes. I thought that by telling DP and making a joke out of it it would help him to trust me, so he knew I wasn't going to hide anything from him. Unfortunately it had the opposite effect and he ended up storming back to his, with us having a big argument. We have since made up and talked about it - he realises he over-reacted and is really apologetic. He says he's devastated because he reminds himself of his jealous ex, and would never want me to feel like he did when he was with her. I've offered to never talk to the guy again (which is really no big deal, he was a good friend in the past but I don't see him that often and his occasional unwanted advances are starting to piss me off) but DP is adamant that he doesn't want that and doesn't want to control me.

I think we're OK now, but I know he doesn't trust me at all. He claimed he does, but when I jokingly pulled him up on it, he admitted that he doesn't. I don't know what I can do to make him trust me. I understand why he got jealous of this guy, but there is absolutely no reason for him to. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

deste · 11/05/2015 10:49

I would tell him to sort himself out or get out. So you stop talking to this friend, who will be next on his list? I couldn't be bothered with all that. It will be ok till the next time and the next time.

MagentaVitus · 11/05/2015 10:53

To be honest, I wouldn't be very comfortable with a woman who was (however jokingly, or misguidedly) trying to sleep with my husband, and I don't see why your husband should be ok with it either.

I'd be dropping the creepy 'friend.' Not because DH told me to, but because the 'jokes' and 'suggestions' are disrespectful to me and my relationship.

Dosydoly · 11/05/2015 10:54

I don't think you should have to do anything to make him trust you. How long have you been together and is this an isolated incident?

GrumpleMe · 11/05/2015 10:54

If it was my DP, and he was in contact with a woman he'd slept with, who was a bit of a player, and who occasionally still hit him up for sex? I wouldn't be over the moon about it either.

I wouldn't tell him what to do. But I would probably expect him to decide on his own to cut contact with her, if he valued my feelings at all...

Original poster

howtodealwithjealousy · 11/05/2015 11:14

Well this is exactly why I plan to cut the friend out - to be honest I'd been debating it for a while, but had always been sad at the thought as he's been such a good friend in the past - I suffered from severe depression for a while and he was one of the few friends who stuck by me and the only person to visit me in hospital. But now that our friendship is affecting my relationship I think it's definitely the best thing to let it go.

I absolutely love DP and completely understand him not liking or trusting my friend, but I just wish he could trust me.

What I don't understand is that he doesn't get jealous about anyone else - and without sounding like an arrogant bitch, there have been several occasions in which men have shown an interest, and it's not affected him at all.

OP posts:

GrumpleMe · 11/05/2015 11:24

Hopefully, cutting this friend out will build a lot of trust between you and your DP. You will be proving that you are putting his feelings and your relationship first.

The fact that he has never been worried about other men seems to show that he doesn't generally have a 'jealousy' problem, and that he was probably trusting his gut with that specific guy. With reason...the guy sounds like a sleaze.

GoatsDoRoam · 11/05/2015 11:40

The fact that you still count this man among your friends shows poor judgement and poor boundaries on your part. I mean, why stick around an asshole who cheats and regularly hits you up for sex? Honestly, why? Is it an ego boost? Because cheater dude is not a friend; he is displaying pretty offensive behaviour towards you (= you are a sex target for when he is bored). He deserved cutting out a LONG time ago.

missqwerty · 11/05/2015 11:45

No wonder he's jealous. It's all a bit weird and a bit disrespectful towards him. He's not out of order, you are for pushing it all in his face thinking it's a funny joke. How would you feel if the tables where turned?

BolshierAyraStark · 11/05/2015 11:51

Yes, have to agree that I'd be unhappy in his position. It really isn't funny & shouldn't be treated as a joke. If DH had a friend of this nature I would be deeply unimpressed.

Estcal · 11/05/2015 11:51

I wouldn't expect a DP to put up with this. I wouldn't let it happen in the first place. So I don't think that your DP is being unreasonable.
Actually you're taking the piss, just a bit, aren't you?

Jan45 · 11/05/2015 11:54

Why do you want to keep in touch with an arsehole of a man who clearly only wants you for a shag, cheats and sleeps about, I'd cut him off anyway, by responding, you are giving him the impression you are enjoying his advances - your DP has a point, although I think he should trust you, it's other men he probably doesn't trust.

What are you losing, a guy who sounds like a twat anyway.

molyholy · 11/05/2015 12:05

If my DH had a female friend who he had previously shagged and she sent him message saying her sex life with her DP was dwindling and also, whenever they met up, she tried it on with him, I would be fuming. I don't think he was BU acting jealously, although if I was him, I would have had to confront the randy friend. It is totally disrespectful to you and your relationship as a PP has said.

AuntyMag10 · 11/05/2015 12:07

I agree with your dp here and can totally understand it from his perspective. Why do you want to keep up with this 'friend' knowing his bad points and how your dp feels. Does he seem worth the problems it's causing?

Original poster

howtodealwithjealousy · 11/05/2015 12:09

OK, you all make a fair point. But aside from the sexual comments, he has been a good friend to me and I'm reluctant to lose that. I disagree that he only want me for a shag, we used to have a very close fun friendship, but not so much since he moved away.

But I completely understand that it is wrong for DP to put up with it. I guess I'm completely in the wrong here, thanks for making me realise that.

OP posts:

Original poster

howtodealwithjealousy · 11/05/2015 12:11

I'll let the friendship fade out. When I said to DP that I was going to do that, he got annoyed with himself and told me that he wasn't asking that from me - but I'm offering to give up this friendship for him. He's much more important, I don't want him worrying about him, and if it helps him to trust me then it's the best thing.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 11/05/2015 12:18

Letting the friendship sort of fade out is maybe a good idea (though TBH there is more to being a good person than an obsession with monogamy and I certainly wouldn't dump a longstanding friend because a new partner was being all butthurt about it.) However, make sure your current DP understands that he has now used up his one and only chance to play the 'poor jealous me boohoo' card and any further signs of it will lead to him being dumped.

Original poster

howtodealwithjealousy · 11/05/2015 12:30

To be honest the more I think about it, the more sad I am at the prospect of losing my friend. But it has to be done.

But I agree with you SGB, I won't let him be like this with anyone else, he'll be out of the door. My XP was a very jealous man who eventually made me cut out all my male friends (this friend was one of very few who restarted a friendship once I left him) and there's no way I'll be put in that shit position again.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 11/05/2015 12:32

I think the problem here is less this particular guy and more the fact that your DP doesn't trust you. Without trust you don't really have a relationship. And if you cut this guy out there will be another one and another one...

MagentaVitus · 11/05/2015 12:36

To be honest the more I think about it, the more sad I am at the prospect of losing my friend.

I hate to sound horrible, but I have had a 'friendship' like this before and am recognizing the signs.

Do you like having him around because he is an ego boost for you?

Twinklestein · 11/05/2015 12:38

A friend who sticks by you through the bad times is rare, although to be fair it may simply be he was trying to have sex with you...

I'm not convinced the relationship you're in is on strong ground given the trust issues and the storming off (sorry but I find that really annoying).

I'd be wary of ditching a friend for a relationship that won't last anyway.

FelicityGubbins · 11/05/2015 12:45

I disagree that letting go of this friend is opening the door to your dp being able to dictate who you can be friends with, the truth is that you didn't lay down boundaries with the long time friend and now it's bit you squarely on the arse.
Next time someone oversteppes their mark, politely but firmly put the friendship back to where it should be and their should be absolutely no reason why you should have to lose them.

Original poster

howtodealwithjealousy · 11/05/2015 12:46

It's not that the friendship is an ego boost! He's just a good friend and I'm sad at the prospect of losing that - wouldn't anyone be?

Our relationship is pretty strong I'd say - I did ask him afterwards why he stormed off and he said it was to avoid an argument until the morning, as he was really tired and worried about making it worse. I pointed out to him that running away and refusing to talk about it will make me ten times angrier than any argument we could have had right there and then - he realises this now and seems to have learned from it.

I know DP doesn't trust me. I just don't know what I can do to make him trust me.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 11/05/2015 12:50

A friend that propositions you on several occasions and you have turned him down is not really that great a friend, again, he's looking for an easy lay ultimately. Where is the respect for you and your DP, he aint got any.

magoria · 11/05/2015 12:53

Wow you have never given your DP reason not to trust you I think it is rude and insulting that he doesn't and tells you this.

You have been open and honest, turned this man and others down.

The friend sounds like a twat and you are well rid of him.

However you have done nothing to have to prove you are trustworthy to your DP and I think you need to make sure you don't allow his distrust and jealousy and further leeway.

molyholy · 11/05/2015 12:58

A friend that propositions you on several occasions and you have turned him down is not really that great a friend. Where is the respect for you and your DP, he aint got any.

^this^

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