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Original poster

How do I deal with his jealousy?

66 replies

howtodealwithjealousy · 11/05/2015 10:35

DP is amazing, I absolutely love him to bits, but we've had a few problems recently with his jealousy.

We went out recently and an old friend from my uni days was there. We chatted for a while, he went to meet up with his other friends, all was fine. My friends who I were out with started saying about how he'd recently had a child, but it wasn't his girlfriends - we were talking about how, even in his uni days, he'd always been a cheat and as nice as he is we feel really ba for his girlfriend and think he's a bit of a twat. It was mentioned casually that both me and another friend had had a ONS with him years ago and that he's always been a bit of a ladies man in that regard. He also has a habit of getting in touch with both of us only when he thinks his girlfriend isn't giving him enough sex, and if he knows I'm single will always try his luck (I reject him very clearly every time!!) - it's become a bit of a joke among us, and everyone involved knows that nothing would ever happen, he's just being a bit of an arse when he complains to us about stuff like that.

DP got very jealous about it, and on the way home forbade me to go out with this guy. I got really angry and explained that there's nothing going on, and never will be. I explained that I'm not angry because I want to keep in touch with him, but because I don't like feeling controlled by having DP tell me I can't. He says he got so jealous because when the guy was talking to me he was apparently leaning in really close (I didn't even notice tbh) and of course he's going to be wary of a guy that cheats so openly,who I once slept with, and who has propositioned me several times since. We chatted about it and it all got sorted out, he saw it from my point of view, said he trusted me and apologised.

The other night the guy sent me a text (just a general 'how you doing?') and I mentioned it to my DP, making a joke about how I bet his girlfriend isn't giving him enough sex again in his eyes. I thought that by telling DP and making a joke out of it it would help him to trust me, so he knew I wasn't going to hide anything from him. Unfortunately it had the opposite effect and he ended up storming back to his, with us having a big argument. We have since made up and talked about it - he realises he over-reacted and is really apologetic. He says he's devastated because he reminds himself of his jealous ex, and would never want me to feel like he did when he was with her. I've offered to never talk to the guy again (which is really no big deal, he was a good friend in the past but I don't see him that often and his occasional unwanted advances are starting to piss me off) but DP is adamant that he doesn't want that and doesn't want to control me.

I think we're OK now, but I know he doesn't trust me at all. He claimed he does, but when I jokingly pulled him up on it, he admitted that he doesn't. I don't know what I can do to make him trust me. I understand why he got jealous of this guy, but there is absolutely no reason for him to. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

LondonZoo · 11/05/2015 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

howtodealwithjealousy · 11/05/2015 13:01

magoria You're right, I need to stop his distrust from becoming a problem - but how do I do that? How can you make someone trust you? I thought by being open and honest about my friend he'd see I'm not going to hide anything, but obviously that backfired.

I should say that he did tell me he trusts me, it was only when I and said (nicely) 'come on', that he joked about not being able to lie to me, and that he doesn't, but wants to. He was in a really shitty relationship before and it has affected him in a lot of ways, not being able to trust anyone is one apparently.

OP posts:

CrispyFern · 11/05/2015 13:02

Your friend sounds like a pathetic dick.

If I was your DP I would be worried that you wanted a friend like that to be honest.

Original poster

howtodealwithjealousy · 11/05/2015 13:03

Sorry, I should say this is a fairly new relationship - 7 months.

I think what gets me is that I completely understand why he doesn't trust my friend - in fact he's sensible not to. But I am hurt that he doesn't trust me, and am willing to do whatever needs be to change that.

OP posts:

flipflapsflop · 11/05/2015 13:06

then just ditch this loser that is trying to shag you and trying to open up intimacy with you. he's talking to you about his sex life because he wants you to talk to him about yours. he wants to make you and him "special" and partners in crime.

your partner can see that, you can't, it seems.

magoria · 11/05/2015 13:16

OP seems to be able to see it quite well which is why she was honest about his contact with her P.

GrumpleMe · 11/05/2015 13:19

You've said a few times he's right not to trust the friend. If he's right, then there shouldn't have been an argument in the first place.

He doesn't trust you because you have proved your boundaries are hazy, and he doesn't know now if you truly have his back.

TurnItIn · 11/05/2015 13:27

I'm going to go a bit against the tide here having been in a similar situation once. It didn't end with the cutting off of one male friend (who was similarly a bit of a loud mouthed inappropriate arse at times, but I still liked him and we had a decent friendship outside of all of that), it didn't end with the subtle digs about any male who looked my way, it didn't even end when he made a holy show of me at a family wedding. It finally ended after he started putting the kibosh on me going out with my girlfriends!

7 months, you've only been together for seven months so I would say that this bears watching - You talk a lot about changing your behaviours to make him trust you...this is a big old red flag to me.

letscookbreakfast · 11/05/2015 13:28

I'd feel the same way if my partner had a friend like yours and vice versa so would she. I don't think it's a case of your DP using 'all his cards up' etc, he's right not to trust the bloke based on what you've posted, you either need to cut him out or abruptly redefine your boundaries before your DP has enough.

GoatsDoRoam · 11/05/2015 13:31

He doesn't trust you because your boundaries are hazy. He doesn't know now whether you have his back.

Yes, this.
This situation doesn't read to me like jealousy and control on the DP's part, but skewed priorities by OP.

magoria · 11/05/2015 13:34

Which boundary needs redefining the one where OP had a ONS however many years ago or the one where this guy is firmly told no if he hints at something (sounding like per this 7 month relationship) and she openly tells her boyfriend she has been contacted?

magoria · 11/05/2015 13:35

Per = pre

MrsCampbellBlack · 11/05/2015 13:37

Didn't OP say that her DP isn't like this when other men have shown her attention so it is only this one person he has a problem with?

Not sure that means he doesn't trust OP generally - more he just doesn't like the somewhat sleazy friend.

GrumpleMe · 11/05/2015 13:39

I'd say, the boundary where she's in contact with a former fling who asks her for sex.

If someone disrespected my partner like that, I wouldn't consider them my friend.

TokenGinger · 11/05/2015 13:47

OP - from what I can see, your DP has not said anywhere that he doesn't trust you. He's simply displayed that this friendship makes him feel uncomfortable. Trust doesn't necessarily link in with that.

His uncomfortableness comes from your "friend's" complete lack of boundaries.

And the whole laughing about the text thing? Way to fuel his insecurities! That to me says, "Oh hey look, he still wants to fuck me." I'd be absolutely raging with you if you were my DP!

I pointed out to him that running away and refusing to talk about it will make me ten times angrier than any argument we could have had right there and then - he realises this now and seems to have learned from it. - this is very selfish too, for the record. Don't ever think that your coping mechanism or your feelings supersede his. That was his way of sensibly coping with the situation and is the exact way I cope with things too. Maybe he should have said, I think we both need to part company for this evening and discuss this tomorrow with a clearer head, but you sound very controlling to say, "He's learned from this now".

If you feel sadder about losing the friend as opposed to feeling good about doing something to protect your DP and his feelings, your DP may not be the man for you.

GoatsDoRoam · 11/05/2015 13:47

Partners getting tetchy about friends is a red flag, yes. But someone who wants to get into your pants is not a "friend".

OP I gather you've been burned by a jealous man in the past. But on the little info we have here, it sounds like your DP is quite reasonably upset that you are consorting with a man who would quite cheerfully fuck up your relationship with him for a shag. And it is your choice whether you have contact with this man - with all the disrespect to your relationship implied if you choose to continue that contact.

magoria · 11/05/2015 13:54

OP already said she was going to let the friendship go for her relationship.

She has the right to be trusted in a relationship where she has done nothing to earn distrust.

She wants to know how to make her P trust her.

She can't and if he doesn't it is his problem not hers.

flipflapsflop · 11/05/2015 13:58

if the op was writing from the perspective of her b/f showing her a text from an old ONS uni pal, that she knew often tried it on with him, would the answers be about "mentionitis" and trying to gauge your reaction to a bit of extra curricular?

from what you've said, this guy isn't really a friend but a chancer.

Original poster

howtodealwithjealousy · 11/05/2015 14:01

Token You're right, that is controlling of me, thank you for pointing that out. I've been in DPs situation before, with an ex whose colleague obviously fancied him and came onto him a lot - the way he dealt with it was by mentioning it to me every time she did or said anything, and we could have a bit of a joke about it and about how she didn't get the hint no matter how many times he said no and mentioned me. I thought that by doing the same thing here it would help diffuse the situation, but I was obviously wrong. I hadn't thought of it as rubbing his face in it, but I can see that now, and will make sure I apologise to DP.

I'm letting the friendship go - I may be sad about it but it's nothing compared to how upset I'd be at losing DP if it continued to affect us like this.

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 11/05/2015 14:03

But magoria, she has done something to earn his distrust: she has held onto a relationship with a person who would happily destroy her relationship with DP. DP is right to feel let down in this scenario.

magoria · 11/05/2015 14:14

She had only been in the relationship for 7 months.

At the upset her partner had shown she had agreed to give up this friend.

I am guessing she had managed to avoid falling on her back knickerless for a fair while longer than this just because she is given hints not to her but also to several of her friends that he is up for something.

She has done nothing wrong or to earn distrust.

Original poster

howtodealwithjealousy · 11/05/2015 14:45

Right, I've arranged to meet my friend for a quick chat this evening when he finishes work, with DPs full knowledge and consent, just to ask him one final time honestly and forcefully that he needs to back off with the sexual comments.

DP said he'd prefer me to do this than stop talking to the friend completely. But I've made it clear to him that I won't tolerate another comment from my friend, and just one more will lead to me ditching him, regardless of whether DP wants me to or not - I have more respect for our relationship than I do for our friendship, and if my friend cannot show my relationship that same respect then he is out of the door.

OP posts:

flipflapsflop · 11/05/2015 14:48

Very sensible.

GrumpleMe · 11/05/2015 14:51

That's a good compromise.

It will be interesting to see if your friend respects your new boundaries. Or if he gets defensive at you spelling it out for him.

Don't be surprised if he loses interest altogether, though. No loss if he does...

TokenGinger · 11/05/2015 14:53

I think that's a really good plan. Hope it goes ok x

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