How do I deal with his jealousy?

[howtodealwithjealousy]

DP is amazing, I absolutely love him to bits, but we've had a few problems recently with his jealousy.

We went out recently and an old friend from my uni days was there. We chatted for a while, he went to meet up with his other friends, all was fine. My friends who I were out with started saying about how he'd recently had a child, but it wasn't his girlfriends - we were talking about how, even in his uni days, he'd always been a cheat and as nice as he is we feel really ba for his girlfriend and think he's a bit of a twat. It was mentioned casually that both me and another friend had had a ONS with him years ago and that he's always been a bit of a ladies man in that regard. He also has a habit of getting in touch with both of us only when he thinks his girlfriend isn't giving him enough sex, and if he knows I'm single will always try his luck (I reject him very clearly every time!!) - it's become a bit of a joke among us, and everyone involved knows that nothing would ever happen, he's just being a bit of an arse when he complains to us about stuff like that.

DP got very jealous about it, and on the way home forbade me to go out with this guy. I got really angry and explained that there's nothing going on, and never will be. I explained that I'm not angry because I want to keep in touch with him, but because I don't like feeling controlled by having DP tell me I can't. He says he got so jealous because when the guy was talking to me he was apparently leaning in really close (I didn't even notice tbh) and of course he's going to be wary of a guy that cheats so openly,who I once slept with, and who has propositioned me several times since. We chatted about it and it all got sorted out, he saw it from my point of view, said he trusted me and apologised.

The other night the guy sent me a text (just a general 'how you doing?') and I mentioned it to my DP, making a joke about how I bet his girlfriend isn't giving him enough sex again in his eyes. I thought that by telling DP and making a joke out of it it would help him to trust me, so he knew I wasn't going to hide anything from him. Unfortunately it had the opposite effect and he ended up storming back to his, with us having a big argument. We have since made up and talked about it - he realises he over-reacted and is really apologetic. He says he's devastated because he reminds himself of his jealous ex, and would never want me to feel like he did when he was with her. I've offered to never talk to the guy again (which is really no big deal, he was a good friend in the past but I don't see him that often and his occasional unwanted advances are starting to piss me off) but DP is adamant that he doesn't want that and doesn't want to control me.

I think we're OK now, but I know he doesn't trust me at all. He claimed he does, but when I jokingly pulled him up on it, he admitted that he doesn't. I don't know what I can do to make him trust me. I understand why he got jealous of this guy, but there is absolutely no reason for him to. I just don't know what to do.

OP you have stated clearly on this thread that your DP does not trust you.
He said he'd like to but he doesn't.

You ask how you can make someone trust you: you can't. You ask how you can stop it from becoming a problem: you can't.

You can't fix his trust with your behaviour: only he can fix it.

It's quite common for people to blame trust issues on one particular relationship and it can happen if you're horribly cheated on, but it's often the case that there's no particular cause and it's easier to blame one relationship than to admit that you're an insecure/jealous person.

As Shakespeare said:

'Jealous souls...are not ever jealous for the cause,

But jealous for they’re jealous.'

My husband had an old friend who was in love with him when we met, but he clearly didn't fancy her & I never had any jealousy or trust issues over it.

The right way to deal with this kind of situation how you and your ex dealt with it. That it didn't work with DP is because he has a problem.

As I say the fact he doesn't trust you full stop is a much bigger problem than this particular friend. Without it this relationship is not viable long term.

Good luck OP. You may want to consider what this cheating twat does bring to your life long term and if you gain anything from his friendship.

I'm getting mixed signals here.

You said the other guy is a twat, a joke, an arse and a cheat.

You've said your DP is amazing

"there have been several occasions in which men have shown an interest, and it's not affected him at all."

Why are you dangling this man in front of him then? Do you think there might be a cumulative effect at play here? A stream of men showing interest in you and you expect him to never react? And this one you've already slept with and have some kind of history with.

You say you've never given him cause to mistrust you but actually you're not being very respectful to him are you? Are you surprised he feels jealous? How would you feel if it was the other way round and he was doing it to you?

I also think it's an ego boost which you don't mind getting at the expense of your DP.

Oh FFS, dump the DP, not the friend. Jealousy is contemptible, not romantic. I would always pick a longterm friend over a clingy, whiny partner. Particularly if friend has occasional 'benefits.'

I spoke with my friend and he was mortified that DP viewed him as a threat. He said he knew he could be a little OTT and that there had always been a bit of flirtiness in his eyes it is a bit of fun. He's agreed to take a big step back with his comments, saying he wouldn't want me to get into trouble. He's also invited both of us out with him so he can make a better impression on DP and prove he isn't "a morally bankrupt sleazebag trying to chat up his girlfriend, just her mate who pushes it on occasion". DP.is happy to meet up the three of us and start afresh with him.

A good outcome I think?

If you're happy with it...

Just sounds like more drama to me, frankly. Airing your relationship issues to this boundary-busting dude. Why not just quietly dump one or other of these two men? Whichever one is your lesser priority?

This so called friend says he's backing off because your new man feels threatend, why didn't he stop when you told him it was disrespectful to you, where is your self respect woman!

The friend is so not the problem here, but the OP will discover this herself over the next year or two...

Your friend doesn't get it. This isn't about "getting you into trouble" which sounds a bit naughty and that the two of you might decide to gang up on the old meany grown up with his crazy rules. And this tells you a great deal about how he views his disrespectful behaviour: prove he isn't "a morally bankrupt sleazebag trying to chat up his girlfriend, just her mate who pushes it on occasion"

Why does he 'push it'? You've turned him down repeatedly. It's because he is a sleazebag. The guy has just had a baby with someone other than his girlfriend hasn't he? What's not 'morally bankrupt sleazebag' about that?

I thought giving the guy another chance seemed like a reasonable compromise but after his response, I'm not so sure. He seems to have a particular view of women that I certainly wouldn't want in any of my close friends. (Most of whom are male, incidentally, and all of whom I would drop like a stone if they behaved the way this guy had).

I might point out that it's not respectful of a man not to trust his gf.

It's not respectful to assume that she might oops fall into bed with a man she had a ons with a long time ago and does not fancy. Who, furthermore is a bit of an arse.

I don't believe a word of this.

Well I was pretty happy with it - I would like them to get along, but obviously if it comes to it I'd choose DP over friend.

Not sure if it's relevant, and may just sound like an excuse, but from talking to my friend it came out that the girl he got pregnant two years ago was the last woman he cheated on his girlfriend with - apparently it was a wake up call for him, and while he still flirts with other women, he no longer sleeps with them. I know that's still not particularly respectful to his girlfriend but it's a big step in the right direction for them both.

I'm hoping DP will come to trust me in time - he's said he wants to, which is a start at least.

derxa What don't you believe?

In order to trust you OP he needs specifically to work on his issues, otherwise wanting to will never turn into actually doing so.

I don't believe the issue here is trust. I haven't got that message throughout the whole thread. It's not that the guy doesn't trust OP. It's that he feels wholly uncomfortable with the way this friend is.

If my DP's female friend thought it appropriate to make suggestive comments to him, I would convey my unhappiness at this but it doesn't mean I don't trust him.

That's odd because the OP has stated repeatedly through the thread that her boyfriend does not trust her:

but I know he doesn't trust me at all. He claimed he does, but when I jokingly pulled him up on it, he admitted that he doesn't. I don't know what I can do to make him trust me.

I know DP doesn't trust me. I just don't know what I can do to make him trust me

You're right, I need to stop his distrust from becoming a problem - but how do I do that? How can you make someone trust you?

I should say that he did tell me he trusts me, it was only when I hmm and said (nicely) 'come on', that he joked about not being able to lie to me, and that he doesn't, but wants to.

He was in a really shitty relationship before and it has affected him in a lot of ways, not being able to trust anyone is one apparently.

But I am hurt that he doesn't trust me, and am willing to do whatever needs be to change that.