Cant cope with controlling husband - seems so trivial but totally worn down

[comberbird]

My husband and I have been married for four year and have a 16 mth old DS. The marriage has been troubled from the outset due to fertility issues - first pregnancy loss at 15 weeks after baby diagnosed with chromonsomal issues, miscarriage, IVF and eventually my beautiful boy. Suffered from PND afterwards [although think i was just knackered and got no support from DH]. The issue now is one of control. We are both quite alpha people holding down very pressured jobs and are the boss at work. I admit there are times I like to get my own way but at home I dont beleive there is any compromise except without an argument. I will describe the weekend

• Dh comes home on friday - not seen each other much as both at work a lot during the week and I was working abroad the weekend before. I complained I was feeling a bit lonely as I hadnt seem him or friends for a few weeks. He suggested seeing a friend on saturday but given she has two kids under 2 and lives 40 miles away i thought it might not work. His response - its no wonder you are lonely if you dont make an effort. Cue tears as this kind of callousness is now normal. Saturday we were gardening and i asked what he was doing with the hose, he snaps at me, makes a gun sign to his head and storms off. When i cant use the hose [with no end on it, and carrying a toddler] he storms up to me and shoves me and the baby out of the way and grabs it from me "to help". Later we go to the park, I said i wanted to go home because i was tired and DS needed to be fed - he suggested going to the pub or a longer walk and i repeated that I want to go home. he thens asks when I will feed DS, why I need to feed him so early and that he always feeds him later? Before we head out for our anniversary dinner he moves a pot around in the garden and I suggest it looks better where it was ... he storms out of the house slamming the door and comes back and argues the whole way through bathtime. We go out for our anniversary dinner and I cry throughout.

I didnt sleep on Saturday night as I was so upset about every aspect of our life being a struggle. I woke up and talked to him about this. He always turns it round on me and asks what I am going to do to change things, eventually he apologises and says he will change, he wants to stay together for the sake of our son etc. Tries to make amends, yet first thing in the morning is standing over me while i put the dishwasher on to ensure its on at 70C so the dishes are clean ....

I could go on but this has been my life now on and off since I got pregnant. He says i am not affectionate or kind to him but I find it really hard when he wants to control everything at home and is so nasty to me[nothing can get done at home unless he agrees e.g. getting a new floor [and i pay for everything] and the he uses this as an example of 'me getting my own way'

I cant go on like this but dont know to do. I dont want to leave him as this things seem so trivial but i cant bear it any longer. The list goes on and on on him watching over me bathing my son and shouting at me everytime DS stands up [as he is worried i will let him hurt himself] and basically every aspect of life. I'd like to organise online shopping for example [he does the shopping but daily, wasting lots of time at the weekend] and he wont agree to it ... all so stupid but wearing. its making me feel very down and i dread the weekends and holidays

We have talked about separation but is always nasty and vindicative and says he will ensure i dont see as much of my son as I want ...

Do you think its possible to change things? please help .....

Honestly. No. I don't think it is possible to change things, well not for the better. I think they will change though in that they will get worse.

I was with a very abusive man for many years. My best advice to you is go see a solicitor. Find out where you stand and what you are entitled to. Information will give you courage to decide what you want to do. .

What you describe is not trivial at all; none of what you write here is at all trivial. You are being abused.

His reactions to reasonable questions are both OTT and unnecessary; he is adept at making it all out to be your fault isn't he?.

What do you get out of this relationship now; you are already discussing separation and unsurprisingly he is being nasty about that as well. He is basically issuing you an empty threat by saying that he will ensure you do not see as much of your son as you want. Abusive men do this because they know this is where it is going to hurt them the most; they can and will press all the buttons here. NO man is above the law here and you are his son's primary carer.

Was he all "nice" and "lovely" before his son was born or were there controlling aspects then when you think back?.

Some emotionally abusive men do ramp up the power and control ante even more once the first child is born; this may be what has happened here to you.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships here?
You cannot afford to show your now 16 month old son such damaging lessons on relationships; he will learn from the two of you how relationships are conducted. This is NOT how relationships are supposed to be. You are unhappy all the time and he holds all the power and control here.

He will not change because this is who he really is, you can only change how you react to him. Do not spend an inordinate amount of time waiting for him to have an epiphany because he will not; he feels entitled to do as he wants.

I would seek legal advice re separation (you do not have to act on this straight away but knowledge after all is power) and read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Womens Aid are also worth speaking to as well.

BTW what are his parents like; are they similar?.

says he will ensure i dont see as much of my son as I want ...

Ah, the go-to tactic of abusive men - hold the DC to ransom to keep you under the thumb.

It won't be up to him how much either of you see DS. It will be agreed in mediation, or it will be set by a judge in court.

I would usually suggest relationship counselling, but I'm guessing he would refuse to go - and he seems borderline abusive anyway. I'd suggest booking initial appts with a few local solicitors and see what they say.

BTW - he shouts at you if you let DS stand up? What is he planning to do when DS starts school, send him in bubble wrap?

This is not trivial. It is sad that you would call "trivial" your need for harmony, caring and respect in your own home. It is not trivial: taking care of yourself is your highest calling.

No, it is not possible to change things. You cannot change another person. You just can't, although you may slam your head against that particular brick wall over and over again, in the end there is nothing you can do to change another human being.

All you can do is accept it, and die a death of 1000 cuts, or walk away.

Joint relationship counselling is a complete non starter here and is never recommended if there is abuse within the relationship. If you do have counselling you will need to go on your own. Also it will do you good to talk in a safe and calm environment.

He is controlling you further by making you feel more unsure and insecure around your son (when he is standing up for instance).

This man is really a nasty piece of work. Be warned: I would also think that he would make any aspect of separating from him as difficult and protracted as possible as "punishment" for you leaving him.

He doesn't trust you. That's not trivial.

I can't imagine anything happening that would make him start trusting you, either. Can you?

It does sound like he has some messed-up need to be in control of every little thing. What would he do if you went ahead and ordered your shopping online anyway?

This is a miserable life for you. You don't have to be the 'good wife' and endure it. You could explore your options, as PPs have said.

My ex was like this, an absolute despot (but only when he was at home and had nothing else better to be doing). I have to say it only got better after we separated. Only then with long breaks away from his aggressive controlling, threats and insults if I didn't do things his way. I was so frightened of him and what he might be capable of. Turns out he wasn't capable of doing much to me at all, a lot of it was in my head. I was conditioned by his terrorising behaviour into thinking he had more power than he did.

I was going to type some advice about how a marriage between 2 dominant personalities can work, but I've changed my mind. You don't need marriage advice you need legal advice.

Ask yourself this; if it was a friend who came to and discribed the situation in your op, what advice would you give?

I wonder why you pay for everything - do you earn a lot more?

He sounds really horrible, OP. No wonder you're in tears; I would be, too.

thansk for this - it is all very frightening,.
His parents divorced when he was 11 and he is almost estranged from his father. He was sent to boarding school at 13 and has always been quite an angry person, but on the face of it is deeply charming and funny. He is also a barrister which also scares me from a legal perspective. He was married before and divorced and I never thought to prob on this before we got married.

He has a poor relationship with his father and I dont beleive he ever had anyone who would stand up to him. His mother is very opinionated, thinks he is amazing [is always saying so] and there was always lots of arguments at home with her but they are soon forgotten [mine upbringing was completely different - no discussions, no arguments]. She laughs off his 'know it all' controlling side but i just cant do it. Overall though she is a kind and funny lady if quite self centred.

He is very good to me in many ways - but always as the 'parent' - he does all the housework [his way], organises lots of things for the home etc and supports me in my job which is very demanding. He is a very good father to my son.

Things have gotten worse since I was pregnant but there were signs before [he started trying to control things shortly after we got married]. I just dont know if its normal for a man to be interested in all aspects of home life and i feel there is no part of our home that exists for me. i dont know if i am being odd. i never respond well to being told what to do but really i think i should have some freedom. We rub along together during the weeks but come the weekend its just the same thing over and over again ....

Counselling has been suggested since i was being counselled for PND over a year ago. He wouldnt go but says he will now but doesnt beleive in it ... and he really thinks the problems are 50:50, he says my friends all say I am difficult [they dont and I am not really] and I need to look at myself. I think they are more 80:20 i wouldnt react if i wasnt provoked ...

I'm going to go against the grain here.

From what you've written here, you could sound like two people fighting for dominance - hence catfights all the way. Apart from him shoving you with the hose (which is MAJOR) what I see is two people at the very end of themselves - which is not surprising with all you've been through. I'm not sure I'm seeing abuse here (apart from the shoving, which is MAJOR, whether he realises it or not, and has to STOP).

I have to say though that I thought my marriage was a power struggle - and it turned out I was married to a frighteningly abusive man. It's hard to tell from what you've written eg does he hover over the dishwasher because he usually unloads the dishwasher and he can't cope with dishes that aren't clean - again. Does he shout about DS standing up because he's genuinely terrified something will happen. Are you frantic about being at home to feed DS but he wants (needs?) a relaxed day as a family - your home has, after all, been the scene of gruesome and very unhappy times.

I'm not justifying him here. His behaviour is not right, certainly, but yours could be not right, too. You both work very hard, you've both been through an awful lot and the strain could be at an unbearable pitch. Could you give some more examples of the conflict between you? Not trivial btw.

However, why do you pay for everything? That seems odd if you're both working full-on.

ie what you have described is not trivial. Sorry, that wasn't clear.

I also think you need some

Oh yes I have asked my friends and parents for advice - I called my mother on Christmas Eve 6 days before I had my son because he had me cleaning the kitchen floor on my hands and knees because it was dirty. She said i should leave. All my friends points to the pressure in our lives - the jobs, the fertility issues and a young son and seem to think marriage is hard and we can work through it. But i havent talked to them in detail because on the face of it our lives are charmed, we are well off and have a beautiful home. i just desperately want to have a good life for my son and dont want him turning into his dad ....

He does sound completely unreasonable standing over you to 'supervise' bathing and washing machine and stuff.
But then you also sound quite bossy and picky when it comes to how he uses the hose and his moving a plant pot! He suggests a visit to a friend, an hour's drive (that's nothing to me, most of my friends are at least an hour away), you poo poo it for no good reason, he gets frustrated as it seems nothing will please you as you've been moaning about being lonely but then won't go and do something about it, you cry.

Is it possible you both just need a relationship where you can be in charge? And there's always going to be friction if not? Arguments over what time to feed the child, arguments over every bloody thing.

It all sounds exhausting and not a nice atmosphere for either of you, or your child.

Oh god, poor you. He is a controlling despot. You have been sucked in to his world view to such an extent that you can't see what is screamingly obvious - you only perceive it as a vague niggling discomfort.

You can't live happily, or be true to yourself, with a controlling man. He just wants control, and your needs and wants and personality get in the way of that.

Run away. He may be a barrister but he doesn't have magical powers and can't stop you divorcing him. He cannot take your son away from you wither; you two will just share parenting.

oh gosh, major cross post

It's not sounding good, op. You could be describing my husband (ex - left him because of his controlling abuse). The doting mother, the charm personified to everyone else, dominating your home, your space - not good, not good at all.

Go for counselling alone - DONT go for counselling with him.

I'm so sorry op

Open up to people in RL. Good, trusted friends. Tell them what you've just told us.

Dear god. Cleaning the kitchen floor on your hands and knees while full term pregnant.

You need to get away from this man, love. Please tell the people who love you how he treats you.

Do you like him as a person? If you met him now, knowing what you do, would you be attracted to him or would you run a mile? Can you imagine 10 years more of this? 20?

It sounds as if you are both miserable, to be honest.

Read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'

Do The Freedom Programme (one near you - google to find your nearest group). You won't be the first with a barrister husband to go btw - controlling abuse is no respecter of persons, or job

More

thanks for this. I know I am not perfect by a long stretch and I said that at the start of the post. We are at the ends of our tethers there is no doubt. We are both dominant personality types but he doesnt back down and he doesnt have empathy. I could list a thousand things that are unreasonable every weekend and I react to all of them. He says if they are all so trivial why do I get so upset and my answer is because i dont need to be controlled in every aspect of my life. I can cook and clean and look after my son without necessarily doing it his way. I am interested in what advice any of you have regarding two dominant people in a marriage. You may think I am mad but the perspective may help too.

You may be a dominant personality (to those in the outside world) and appear strong willed and minded in your job but you are really being wiped out here by a controlling man. He is a master manipulator and you are being completely outplayed here. He does not back down and he does not have empathy; two big red flags right there OP.

Why did his first marriage end?. I would also think his ex wife and he divorced for very similar, if not the same reasons, as you describe now.

I would think he is miserable too but that is also because he is abusive at heart. Such people are never happy or content and are happy to blame any other people for their problems. He hates women really, all of them. He did not have a happy relationship with his family as a child either and you are seeing the results of all that now all too clearly.

Do not ever enter into joint counselling with him; he will manipulate the counsellor and make it all out to be your fault. You should consider having counselling on your own.

Not all that surprised either to read about his background or him being "nicer" prior to marriage; some abusive men manage to maintain a façade of decency for a considerable length of time. The mask though slips and its an act they cannot keep up. You saw flashes of that prior to marriage as well.

Your son will in forthcoming years learn about relationships from the two of you; what do you want to teach him?. He is really learning about relationships now from you both.

He's a shit who hates women. Sorry OP but he will never get any better and the only thing to do is get rid. Don't be scared by the fact that he's a lawyer - get onto Women's Aid who will recommend a lawyer who is good at dealing with abusive men.
But this is going to escalate. It's a classic pattern - he's already shoved you with the hose and I wouldn't be surprised if there aren't rather a lot of little 'accidents' in your household, like him treading on your feet, shutting cupboard doors on your fingers, tripping you up... The first slaps are on their way.

What did you think when your own mother said you should leave?.

" he storms up to me and shoves me and the baby out of the way "

he shoved you while you were holding the baby?
bit of a deal breaker tbh.