Cant cope with controlling husband - seems so trivial but totally worn down

[comberbird]

My husband and I have been married for four year and have a 16 mth old DS. The marriage has been troubled from the outset due to fertility issues - first pregnancy loss at 15 weeks after baby diagnosed with chromonsomal issues, miscarriage, IVF and eventually my beautiful boy. Suffered from PND afterwards [although think i was just knackered and got no support from DH]. The issue now is one of control. We are both quite alpha people holding down very pressured jobs and are the boss at work. I admit there are times I like to get my own way but at home I dont beleive there is any compromise except without an argument. I will describe the weekend

• Dh comes home on friday - not seen each other much as both at work a lot during the week and I was working abroad the weekend before. I complained I was feeling a bit lonely as I hadnt seem him or friends for a few weeks. He suggested seeing a friend on saturday but given she has two kids under 2 and lives 40 miles away i thought it might not work. His response - its no wonder you are lonely if you dont make an effort. Cue tears as this kind of callousness is now normal. Saturday we were gardening and i asked what he was doing with the hose, he snaps at me, makes a gun sign to his head and storms off. When i cant use the hose [with no end on it, and carrying a toddler] he storms up to me and shoves me and the baby out of the way and grabs it from me "to help". Later we go to the park, I said i wanted to go home because i was tired and DS needed to be fed - he suggested going to the pub or a longer walk and i repeated that I want to go home. he thens asks when I will feed DS, why I need to feed him so early and that he always feeds him later? Before we head out for our anniversary dinner he moves a pot around in the garden and I suggest it looks better where it was ... he storms out of the house slamming the door and comes back and argues the whole way through bathtime. We go out for our anniversary dinner and I cry throughout.

I didnt sleep on Saturday night as I was so upset about every aspect of our life being a struggle. I woke up and talked to him about this. He always turns it round on me and asks what I am going to do to change things, eventually he apologises and says he will change, he wants to stay together for the sake of our son etc. Tries to make amends, yet first thing in the morning is standing over me while i put the dishwasher on to ensure its on at 70C so the dishes are clean ....

I could go on but this has been my life now on and off since I got pregnant. He says i am not affectionate or kind to him but I find it really hard when he wants to control everything at home and is so nasty to me[nothing can get done at home unless he agrees e.g. getting a new floor [and i pay for everything] and the he uses this as an example of 'me getting my own way'

I cant go on like this but dont know to do. I dont want to leave him as this things seem so trivial but i cant bear it any longer. The list goes on and on on him watching over me bathing my son and shouting at me everytime DS stands up [as he is worried i will let him hurt himself] and basically every aspect of life. I'd like to organise online shopping for example [he does the shopping but daily, wasting lots of time at the weekend] and he wont agree to it ... all so stupid but wearing. its making me feel very down and i dread the weekends and holidays

We have talked about separation but is always nasty and vindicative and says he will ensure i dont see as much of my son as I want ...

Do you think its possible to change things? please help .....

Life alone is not so frightening, actually.

And it's a hell of a lot more contented than life lived in fear and disappointment and hearbreak because the one you love can't be bothered to treat you decently.

"I think I know my own mind. I want things to improve. Part of me thinks they can. He knows he is on his final warning. I cant face the reality of
what life would be like alone/ with son/ a divorce/ trying to cope with work"

How is he on his final warning?. He is not really on his final warning though is he, you are not quite ready to do that. He holds all the power and control in your relationship and you know it as well.

Do not get sucked into the "sunken costs" fallacy; that just enables people to further make poor relationship decisions. You forget here that the damage by him has already been done.

Single parent life is difficult but frankly things will only improve for you and by turn your son if you do divorce this particular individual. You do not want him growing up seeing his mother being abused by his dad. You're not living the dream at present; this is a nightmare of epic proportions. Its not you its this man; he is the one who cannot be asked to treat you at all decently or with a modicum of respect. I would think too his first wife left him because he tried to control her every move as well.

The second round of IVF will not be happening with this man, the last thing you should be doing is bringing another child into this dysfunctional abusive marriage. That money needs to be spent instead on extricating yourself from this marriage.

it doesnt sound so much controlling, as that he treats you with contempt.

I can't help wondering if the belief that you can't cope has come from being ground down and gas lighted - I think you could cope just fine actually.

What am i supposed to do with all my dreams for my family?

Please OP - do not have another child with this man. He will just tighten his grip and you will feel even more trapped.

See a solicitor. Hear what they tell you. I understand, but you are giving yourself the 'nightmare scenario' of not coping etc, because you do not want to come to terms with the horror of what he is doing to you.

You have a job. Hold onto it. Plan for independence. You can cope. Believe me. You are strong and capable. The reason you feel you can't is because you are coping with a domestic terrorist as well as everything else. Without him trying to destroy your confidence at every turn, you will be surprised how much easier life is.

Postpone the IVF at the very least. The fact that you are with an abusive man trumps everything IMO. Yes you have dreams - but he is breaking your dreams, he is stamping on your dreams right now. He is not the man you thought you had. Do not plough on regardless. Denial (I know, I did it) has a hugely strong pull and you are very invested in not seeing the truth. Sorry. It is very very hard to let go of your dreams, but you may have to build some new ones that don't depend on him being a nice guy.

OP you could have been describing my XH as well, particularly the escalation during pregnancy and after DC came along. Well done for reaching out to your friends and posting here on Mumsnet. I am sure you anticipated the replies you would get and had reconciled yourself with that - those things suggest you are really gearing up to get you and your DC out of this dangerous and damaging situation. I wish I could pluck you out of there. I'm over a year out of the situation now and not quite out of the woods as XH has dragged his feet and been difficult at every step of the way. My finances are in a mess but everything else in my life has picked up in the most amazing way. I got a new job which was a huge step up from my old one and my confidence is sky high compared to what it was. This is not an unusual experience either, it is a common experience for women who leave. It's amazing what you can achieve and how good you feel once you get out from under that awful shadow. I'm really sorry about the second round of IVF. That is a heartbreaking thing to walk away from. I know I am likely now to only have one child. It's gutting but when I think about how much harder it would be for us both if I had more, it's some comfort. Keep posting, read Lundy Bancroft and Pat Craven, reach out for RL support and LTB. X

you know i really wasnt expecting these responses at all. I wasnt expecting to read what is here. I am shocked by some of the things that are written maybe because i have become used to living this way. In my head it doesnt feel like the end and I was hoping that someone would say you can work it out, that with time and effort you can get back whats been lost.

i know i know i know about the IVF but god i want another child, I am human and selfish and want my son to have sibling. I suppose they come by other means.

my girlfriends are all coming round tomorrow evening to talk to me ...

but we are going on holiday next week and DH wants it to be the start something new ....

its funny when we wrote out wedding vows i made it include a statement to be kind .....

Really sorry OP. I know it sounds really extreme. I think it is because most of the posters have probably been where you are now and our instinct is to want to help you fast-forward all the pain so it's over quicker. I think, probably, that is a difficult thing to hope for because you have to go at your own pace and you have your own realisations at unpredictable times.

I look back now at what happened to my marriage - and my XH became abusive after our first child - and wonder at how horrendous it was and am slightly shocked by how much I put up with. But it is shocking to be treated badly, hatefully, by someone you love and who is supposed to love you. My H told me he loved me...but then every word he addressed to me and every action pointed in the opposite direction. It leaves you hurt and confused and nothing adds up.

You have been through a huge amount of loss and grief over your fertility problems. And then you are vulnerable when you are looking after a small baby. But this man has not supported you through that vulnerable time. He has attacked, and continues to attack, you.

Please just be kind to yourself. Maybe find a counsellor or therapist you can talk to about what you've been through.

His pattern behaviour is so, so familiar to me and many others on this thread. The sense we have is that he will not revert to the man you married. This is the real him and I think he will get worse, not better. He is showing his true colours now.

It is the hardest thing to come to terms with, but this man is showing you no love and no respect. Unfortunately, the ultimate conclusion is that he doesn't love you or respect you. But that may be something that you have truly to understand for yourself. Everyone on here wants to help. We're not just LTB-junkies, it just fits the pattern of Emotional Abuse so well. Anyone who has been through it can read it in your OP.

Hope you have wonderful support from your friends. They care for you.

The thing is that people like this don't actually love anybody. It's not as though, if you split, he'll go on to love somebody else - he won't. Because he can't. In a crucial sense, people aren't real to him; they are the means to an end (his end).

I appreciate this is very hard to take in - you may be in shock: "surely not!" To that end, do sign on to the Freedom Programme (online if you must though imo its meeting others who are facing the same stuff that brings pin-sharp clarity in record time. Plus, meeting with others in the same, or similar, boat brings great solace when we need it the most).

OP, I wrote and then lost a massive post to you -- the gist of which is just what everyone else is saying here. He is not an alpha male; alpha males are winners in life (or certainly try to be). They don't stand yelling over their wives and children at bath time, they don't force women to scrub floors, they don't push loved ones out of the way over a hose or over anything really. That's not what alpha males do. That is what CRAZY soul-killing bastards do! That's what controlling abusers, narcissists, pathologically personality disordered, etc., etc., men do! You are not a "real" person to him; nobody is. He lives in his head, watching himself directing the script and acting in the performance that is his life. He doesn't see or remember reality as it is because it's filtered through that alternate reality in his head. I know that everything you're hearing here is hard to internalize. You are now seeing, as other posters have said, what he really is and always has been. Yes, please, get away and stay away!

"its funny when we wrote out wedding vows i made it include a statement to be kind ....."

Seems to me you knew kindness would be an issue as you were marrying a man who is essentially unkind to others. Pychopathic personalities are over-represented in professions such as the law and medicine.

He's a barrister but you earn more than he does? Unless you're CEO of a blue chip company it doesn't sound as if he's particularly adept in his chosen field. In any event, I very much doubt that he'll be able to 'clean you out' after a marriage of such short duration.

If you don't intend to cancel the forthcoming holiday, I suggest you make sure you won't be able to conceive during that - or any other - time.

goddess has alluded to something I thought about. I earned more than my DH in the early days but he had overtaken me by the time our first was toddling.

It is a challenge being married to a man who is driven by his career and I literally have done everything at home. For years he was never at home to interfere ir criticise.

It does sound as if your "investment" in this relationship isn't going to reap many rewards either emotionally or materially.

I bet you are young, bright, beautiful, etc, all the things we all want to be. Stop trying to be good enough for your husband and find a man who's good enough for you.

I can picture your dh's type btw. I've met so many of them. In 10 years he won't have made silk, will be getting second division work, be rather bitter and possibly married for the third time. None of it will be your fault x

You on the other hand ought to be blissfully happy with a thoroughly good egg.

OP, just read this thread and I feel for you, but I do worry about your child, it is extremely upsetting for a baby to be subjected to shouting. My dd split from her partner when her baby was two-months-old because of his shouting and the poor little baby had absorbed his anger and was angry for another two weeks.

I was a single mum myself and my dd was an only child and it was great. In Mexico we say, better alone than in bad company.

Hope you are hanging in there.