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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please Help

115 replies

LyingDP · 10/05/2015 18:08

I've NC'd but am a regular poster here, and have started a good few lighthearted pointless threads, I'm afraid this one is decidedly more serious. Sad It is long but I don't want to dripfeed.
I will try and keep this as brief as possible, thank you to anyone who replies - I really need some advice.
I have been with my DP for four years. He is the kindest, funniest man I know and my soulmate.
About 6 months into the relationship, I found some pretty flirty messages between him and a woman at work. I told him to stop, that it was disrepectful. He promised he would.
About another 6 months after that I found some more (to the same woman) and hit the roof. He said he would never do it again and just felt bad for her because her DH had recently died, but that he would stop.
About a year after that I found the same sort of messages to the same woman. I was devastated, I left him, lived at a friends,he was inconsolable. We worked through it and he has not (to my knowledge) text her again. Let me be clear - They were not 'Oh my god they are fucking' messages, more silly, flity ones. Stuff like 'Do you want soup?It's upstairs' - 'Only if it's as hot as you' 'I've got new uniform' 'Oh I've always liked a woman in uniform'
God reading that back it's so shit.
He changed the settings on his phone so all messages immeadiatley came through to the ipad I own, let me go through his phone if I wanted to, etc etc, and was by all accounts determined to show me he wouldn't do it again.
Anyway, we got through it - Been together about two and a half years at thsi point.
About a year ago, almost to the day, I found a weird blue pack of pills in his bag. They were open and a few had been taken. He at first said they were nothing, just headache pills. I didn't believe him so looked up the name of them. Obviously it was viagra.
I confronted him and he 'came clean' and said they were for his boss (He part owns a garage with him and tbf they are very close)
After I asked why the hell he would pop a few out of the packet and give them to him just in his hand, then keep the half empty pack himself, he said it was because his boss didn't want his wife finding the pack and he would pop them just as he got home. Confused
After I pointed out that it really wasn't a big deal, that ED is really quite common, he said that this boss was too embarassed to go to the doctors.
I told him I wasn't happy with him getting them for him (He said he got them from a bloke at work) and he agreed he would stop. A few months later I found the same blue pack in his bag again. I again told him this was dodgy as fuck and to stop. He apologised again, was really upset and said he would tell his boss he couldn't get them for him anymore. When he came back from work that day, unprompted, he said: 'I've told * I can't get him his pills anymore as it's causing me and LyingDP some problems' He said his boss was fine with this and that was that.
A few months later I was in our house at the top window when he pulled up outside. I saw him sitting in his van, take something from his bag and put it behind the visor. He came in and I made some excuse to go outside. They were viagras. It came out that (of course) they were for him and he had just been too ashamed to tell me. He was bawling his eyes out.
I pointed out to him that, having seen my calm and reasoned reaction whe I thought his boss was taking them (nothing to be ashamed of etc), he had no reason to keep this from me.
We have a very open and honest relationship, our sex life was fine. He said a few times he hadn't managed to get it up and he was embarrased.
I am 10 years younger than him and he said he felt ashamed. (I should point out at this point he was drinking about 2-3 cans a night)
We went to counselling. He stopped his drinking. We cried and he said he doesn't know why he lies, just that he doesn't think. I don't think it's malicous. I think he genuinely is a people pleaser and doesn't think of the conesequences.
As part of the counselling, he wrote a kind of 'pledge' that said:
I promise to be truthful and honest with LyingDP, that I will not lie, No matter how big or small and signed and dated it. He carries it around with him in his wallet.
I made it very clear throughout all of this that were it to transpire that he'd lied to me again, no matter how big or small, I had no choice but to leave him. He agreed.
That was a year ago.
We muddled through and I can honestly say we are the best we've ever been, and I have been the happiest and safest I've ever felt.
Cut to today and I don't know what to do.
A week ago we went to a restaurant for our anniversary. He said £40 was through tips at work that he was putting towards it.
I had a pushbike that he kept at his work that he bought for me about two years ago. I don't use it.
My sister (who's DH works with him) mentioned 'Oh, my DH says you've sold your bike?'
So I asked my DP about it today, expecting him to say he hadn't and it was crossed wires.
He'd sold my bike, and, so he said, had used the £30 (???It was a nice bike) to go towards our date night.
He told me he had got all that money from tips. He said nothing about selling my bike or getting the money from it. I don't know how he was going to wriggle out of it when I inevitably asked for my bike.
Had he of asked me if he could sell my bike, I would have said yes. He knows this.
He lied again.
Please help me. I know all on paper this looks awful and I have no doubt what many will be thinking. Imagining my life without him brings me to sobs. I don't know where to start.
If I don't leave it will be succumbing to a relationship where, at a rate of approx one a year, i will be deceived, whether big or small.
I don't have a choice, do I??

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 12/05/2015 13:47

What a despicable person he is - even more now than ever. At this point, OP (sorry, not keen on you adopting his shit as your name) he is very much being abusive with this harassment. He is doling out emotional abuse at every level right now.

This has a nasty and manipulative edge to it too. It's most certainly controlling behaviour. Like lying. It controls information and creates a parallel reality ruled by the liar. It's half crazy when it's a pathological necessity.

I would seriously be thinking of ensuring it is clear that you are done with him and seeking help from the police. Tell him to leave you alone or you will report him. Then do it if he steps over yet another line.

It's very likely that there is a world of lies about to reveal their unwelcome truths. Please shut down any joint finances if you can. Make sure he has no access to any of your own accounts, cards or whatever else I haven't thought of. Change any p/w for banking or anything else he might try and access online.

Selling the bike was actually a hugely low-down shitty thing to do. As well as what everyone else said, I'd expect him to have got a couple hundred for it. He's bleeding money somewhere and it wasn't on a stingy 30 (40?) pound meal.

LyingDP · 18/05/2015 12:46

Hi again all,

Just a quick update - I'm living with amazing friends and moved my stuff out on Saturday. He is,as expected, a wreck but I have blocked his number.
I'm going through the whole spectrum of human emotion but 70% of the time I'm actually ok.
I guess because it just takes time for your heart to catch up with what your mind already knows.
I am so grateful to all of you for your advice, I've copy and pasted your comments into my Notes on my phone and look at them whenever I feel I need it

x

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 18/05/2015 13:39

Wonderful to hear from you OP! Excellent news that you are free of him and whatever next stage of hell was about to reveal itself. You should be very proud of yourself. You saw the relationship's truth fast and next thing, you've packed up and gone. Impressive! Once your heart heals by accepting what your mind already knew (you said that) you'll find happiness again! Your update has made me smile, thank you for coming back to tell us.

RubbishMantra · 18/05/2015 15:59

Bloody hell Op, that's awesome!

I only began reading your thread today, and from your posts, I got a sense of your resolve to stop enduring his ridiculous behaviour. I gave a virtual cheer when i read your most recent post, about you moving out.

70% of the time you feel OK? That's a good starting point. And you have friends around you, who I'm sure will want to support you during the 30% when you're a bit shaky.

Glad to read you blocked his number. Because he will try to guilt trip you. And I hope you and your mates have a good laugh about him "crying in the toilet"!

LyingDP · 18/05/2015 16:21

You are all, frankly, ruddy marvellous Wine

OP posts:
ShootTheMoon · 18/05/2015 19:08

OP, you're all set for bigger and brighter things, well done you! Smile

Optimist1 · 18/05/2015 23:26

Well done, OP. Keep strong. And enjoy a Wine with your mother next time you see her; her approach sounded so sensible and supportive without exerting any pressure on you.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 18/05/2015 23:36

Wine to you too. Onwards to certainty and the comfort of your own actions. Demand more and you'll get it Smile

BasilOfBakerStreet · 23/01/2020 18:53

Hello MN legends!

First off, I'm aware this is a zombie thread - Because I started it! Grin

(Waiting for the posters who haven't RTFT to give me advice Wink )

I've been reading some threads on the relationships boards and a good few really reminded me of where I was 5 years ago. I just wanted to bump this thread so posters can see you can get through this.

After I left my ex, I sunk into a deep depression for about two months. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything but stare at the ceiling of my friends spare room. It felt like my blood had turned to ash. Everything I thought I knew was gone. Everything I thought I was had changed. I moved out, and never heard from him again. A few months later, I managed to scrape myself together enough to apply for the police. A year later, I met my now DH. He has shown me how to love again and what trust is. I got through the police application and last year won Officer of the Year in my force. I live in a lovely house, with a man I love more than I ever thought was possible, and with a wonderful job I am proud to do.

I hear my ex is now engaged and lives in another city. I don't wish him any ill will and I hope he's happy. I think of him often. I do hope he's learnt to reflect and doesn't put his new wife through what he put me through.

Whoever is reading this, wherever you are on your trajectory, happy or unhappy, settled or in turmoil, know that nothing is ever so bad you cannot survive it.

Thank you to any posters who commented and helped me through. Back then I put all your comments into my notes on my phone and when the dark cloud was looming would look at them to give me strength.

Thank you. Flowers

3rdchristmaslucky · 23/01/2020 20:07

Yassss! What an update!

ArranUpsideDown · 23/01/2020 20:10

First off, I'm aware this is a zombie thread - Because I started it!

Fabulous update.

I'm utterly delighted for you - every bit of it.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 23/01/2020 20:30

So not only is he a liar but he has no respect for your boundaries either. You get back with him and this is your life. Leaving in the midst of a drama every 6 to12 months. Is that what you want? Is that the kind of life you want for any children you may have.

AMALDO · 23/01/2020 20:46

Lovely update Grin

Ilovepinot · 23/01/2020 20:47

Lovely update OP, well done!

crackingcrackers · 23/01/2020 21:15

Amazing update. So glad to hear that not only does life go on, but that it gets better. Brilliant achievement being Officer of the year, well done!

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