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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please Help

115 replies

LyingDP · 10/05/2015 18:08

I've NC'd but am a regular poster here, and have started a good few lighthearted pointless threads, I'm afraid this one is decidedly more serious. Sad It is long but I don't want to dripfeed.
I will try and keep this as brief as possible, thank you to anyone who replies - I really need some advice.
I have been with my DP for four years. He is the kindest, funniest man I know and my soulmate.
About 6 months into the relationship, I found some pretty flirty messages between him and a woman at work. I told him to stop, that it was disrepectful. He promised he would.
About another 6 months after that I found some more (to the same woman) and hit the roof. He said he would never do it again and just felt bad for her because her DH had recently died, but that he would stop.
About a year after that I found the same sort of messages to the same woman. I was devastated, I left him, lived at a friends,he was inconsolable. We worked through it and he has not (to my knowledge) text her again. Let me be clear - They were not 'Oh my god they are fucking' messages, more silly, flity ones. Stuff like 'Do you want soup?It's upstairs' - 'Only if it's as hot as you' 'I've got new uniform' 'Oh I've always liked a woman in uniform'
God reading that back it's so shit.
He changed the settings on his phone so all messages immeadiatley came through to the ipad I own, let me go through his phone if I wanted to, etc etc, and was by all accounts determined to show me he wouldn't do it again.
Anyway, we got through it - Been together about two and a half years at thsi point.
About a year ago, almost to the day, I found a weird blue pack of pills in his bag. They were open and a few had been taken. He at first said they were nothing, just headache pills. I didn't believe him so looked up the name of them. Obviously it was viagra.
I confronted him and he 'came clean' and said they were for his boss (He part owns a garage with him and tbf they are very close)
After I asked why the hell he would pop a few out of the packet and give them to him just in his hand, then keep the half empty pack himself, he said it was because his boss didn't want his wife finding the pack and he would pop them just as he got home. Confused
After I pointed out that it really wasn't a big deal, that ED is really quite common, he said that this boss was too embarassed to go to the doctors.
I told him I wasn't happy with him getting them for him (He said he got them from a bloke at work) and he agreed he would stop. A few months later I found the same blue pack in his bag again. I again told him this was dodgy as fuck and to stop. He apologised again, was really upset and said he would tell his boss he couldn't get them for him anymore. When he came back from work that day, unprompted, he said: 'I've told * I can't get him his pills anymore as it's causing me and LyingDP some problems' He said his boss was fine with this and that was that.
A few months later I was in our house at the top window when he pulled up outside. I saw him sitting in his van, take something from his bag and put it behind the visor. He came in and I made some excuse to go outside. They were viagras. It came out that (of course) they were for him and he had just been too ashamed to tell me. He was bawling his eyes out.
I pointed out to him that, having seen my calm and reasoned reaction whe I thought his boss was taking them (nothing to be ashamed of etc), he had no reason to keep this from me.
We have a very open and honest relationship, our sex life was fine. He said a few times he hadn't managed to get it up and he was embarrased.
I am 10 years younger than him and he said he felt ashamed. (I should point out at this point he was drinking about 2-3 cans a night)
We went to counselling. He stopped his drinking. We cried and he said he doesn't know why he lies, just that he doesn't think. I don't think it's malicous. I think he genuinely is a people pleaser and doesn't think of the conesequences.
As part of the counselling, he wrote a kind of 'pledge' that said:
I promise to be truthful and honest with LyingDP, that I will not lie, No matter how big or small and signed and dated it. He carries it around with him in his wallet.
I made it very clear throughout all of this that were it to transpire that he'd lied to me again, no matter how big or small, I had no choice but to leave him. He agreed.
That was a year ago.
We muddled through and I can honestly say we are the best we've ever been, and I have been the happiest and safest I've ever felt.
Cut to today and I don't know what to do.
A week ago we went to a restaurant for our anniversary. He said £40 was through tips at work that he was putting towards it.
I had a pushbike that he kept at his work that he bought for me about two years ago. I don't use it.
My sister (who's DH works with him) mentioned 'Oh, my DH says you've sold your bike?'
So I asked my DP about it today, expecting him to say he hadn't and it was crossed wires.
He'd sold my bike, and, so he said, had used the £30 (???It was a nice bike) to go towards our date night.
He told me he had got all that money from tips. He said nothing about selling my bike or getting the money from it. I don't know how he was going to wriggle out of it when I inevitably asked for my bike.
Had he of asked me if he could sell my bike, I would have said yes. He knows this.
He lied again.
Please help me. I know all on paper this looks awful and I have no doubt what many will be thinking. Imagining my life without him brings me to sobs. I don't know where to start.
If I don't leave it will be succumbing to a relationship where, at a rate of approx one a year, i will be deceived, whether big or small.
I don't have a choice, do I??

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/05/2015 08:27

He's lashing out in panic now. He's not even trying to understand what he has done is he? Just begging and begging for you to overlook it. Can you block his number for a few days?

whattodoforthebest2 · 12/05/2015 09:22

You've said upthread that he'll turn it all around so it's about protecting/helping/benefitting you somehow. You know that's a load of cobblers.

That's what he'll keep doing if he gets the chance to talk to you for an hour. He'll bleat on about looking after your best interests and he'll try and wear you down until you give in.

Preempt the bleating and excuses - tell him you'll meet up with him next month for a chat about things. By then, you'll have had time to gather your thoughts and start planning your new life. In the meantime, tell him to give you the courtesy of some peace and quiet.

LyingDP · 12/05/2015 09:34

I fear he won't wait a month.
He has simply turned up before in tears and I have quite a responsible job so I am dreading that happening. The texts are driving me mad and making me more resolute if anything.
Also I kind of want him to see that I am strong and can't be bought in.
I have to leave him without the hope he will have at the moment, because otherwise he will just keep barraging me.
He won't ever stop lying and I think my DSis knows more than she's letting on Sad

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 12/05/2015 09:58

Tell him to stop texting, block his number, change your number. And if he doesn't stop you can report him to the police for harassment.

Ad there is no need to meet him for a chat - it is over.

whattodoforthebest2 · 12/05/2015 10:15

Do you mean he turns up at your work? That's awful.

If you really think he'll keep harrassing you, I'd be thinking about getting a solicitor to write a strong letter telling him to leave you alone, otherwise he'll face legal action.

Calling the police in is fine, but it gets you involved and stressed and you want to keep it/him at arm's length if possible.

pocketsaviour · 12/05/2015 10:26

He has simply turned up before in tears and I have quite a responsible job so I am dreading that happening.

Ugh, there's little that's more pathetic than someone crying in self-pity because they've fucked up massively. Boo fucking hoo.

This is what I would do personally:

  1. Text him something along the lines of "You need to give me some space. I have to clear my head, I need a few weeks without speaking to you. Stop texting me. I will call/text you when I'm ready to talk."
  2. If he continued texting/calling after that, block his number from my phone (not sure if this works for all android phones, but if I block a number from texting and then unblock it, I suddenly get all the texts. So you could perhaps do this to prevent him from disturbing you at work, but still get the texts later on, if you feel the need.)
  3. Make sure financially all my ducks were in a row, no shared bills or assets - because lying about money is often a sign that something's about to go massively tits up.
  4. After a couple of weeks of (hopefully) peace and quiet, go and collect any remaining belongings left in the house and start living the rest of my life.
LyingDP · 12/05/2015 10:33

Thank you all.
He has just text me again saying he is crying in the toilets at work and I fucking quote he's not going to let a push bike spilt us up.

I have replied with a PP's point up thread that 'all this time you're texting and wailing at me is time yoi're trying to dig his nails into me instead of actually thinking about what you've done.' (Totally stole it Grin )
I've then said I 'will contact him when I am ready and to stop texting me, I will not ask again.'

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 12/05/2015 10:34

Maybe your DSis is waiting to see whether you finally kick him to the kerb before she talks to you. She won't want to be stirring things up if you appear to be reconciling.

Also, I second you need to get your finances separate asap. There could well be bad news there.

whattodoforthebest2 · 12/05/2015 10:36

Sorry, cross-post.

Crying in the toilets - he's pathetic. It's too late for the violins, mate.

Cherryapple1 · 12/05/2015 10:46

Glad you have told him to sod off. You really do need to disengage.

He wasn't crying in the toilets when he was lying 7 times was he. Crocodile tears much?

derxa · 12/05/2015 10:55

He's like a 'naughty' child who keeps saying sorry when he's caught out. You know he's going to repeat the 'naughty' deed again and again and he knows it too. You're in a sort of mother son relationship. He's testing your boundaries and love by being 'naughty'. He's hopelessly immature and I have no doubt that there is a huge amount of stuff (much more serious) that he hasn't told you about.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/05/2015 10:58

Maybe he should have thought about all the good times and what it isn't worth splitting up over before he stole your stuff, eh? (But that was all right because it was to spend on you Hmm) If he cares that much about you he might also consider not turning up at your workplace causing embarrassment and potential trouble for you with your employer. Honestly, this weeping and wailing is kind of disgusting rather than cute. He promised you, he accepted your ultimatum, he signed a pledge of honesty and then... he nicked your bike. To quote the very classical classics: "But Marge, I swear to you: I never thought you'd find out!"

I too wondered about the money thing. After all if you're both steadily employed with no DC it's a bit odd to start with that he should need to rely on tips (what tips does one get as a garage owner anyway?) to pay for half a meal. Then it turns out he had to sell your stuff to get the money. Then it turns out he probably got more money for it than you knew about, which seems to have disappeared. Something is definitely not on the level here.

Wondering if it's worth begging your DSis to tell you what else she knows as it will help you to stay strong. Then you've also got to ask yourself what are the odds that between you and her, all is known? What has she had the opportunity to find out that you haven't? And what have neither of you had the opportunity to find out?

Sadly, I think your joyous year of never-closer-ness was in itself a lie. I mean, you were genuinely happy, but only because of the stuff he wasn't telling you. I believe these chickens will shortly come home to roost in a big way, whether you leave him now or not.

LyingDP · 12/05/2015 10:58

whattodo
Indeed, my mum thinks the same - that when she can see I have made proper steps and it's definitely over then she will feel confident to tell me.
I have laid the groundwork with her, saying I know there's more and I want to hear it when she's ready so I can know for fact this is the right thing to do.

OP posts:
LyingDP · 12/05/2015 11:03

Exactly.
I may never get to know all of it, but I will get to find out more.
Lying is the easiest thing for him at the time. It's quick fix all the time. It's like he's not programmed to think of the consequences.
And because he doesn't do it with any malicious intent, he justifies it.

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 12/05/2015 11:04

I wouldn't need to know more - how will that help? Haven't you discovered enough? You can't possibly think you can go back surely?

LyingDP · 12/05/2015 11:11

cherryapple

It's not that I need to hear more. Nothing he says will make me go back.

It's because he won't stop calling/texting/messaging me telling me how devastated he is and how he's not giving up until I talk to him.
And that's more likely to make me go back than anything. Sad

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 12/05/2015 11:29

I suspect this behaviour was ingrained in him as a child. He found lying would get him out of situations and if that failed he would burst into tears and stomp his feet until he got the results he needed. It will take a lot of help for him to not behave like this.

I don't believe you have been told the truth about anything I am afraid. There is absolutely no reason why his boss couldn't have hidden his stash at the garage, IME there are over a million places in a garage workshop that could have concealed it. The flirty texts were unlikely to be just that either as he got away with that lie too, several times.

The key here is that every time he lies to you, he eventually gets away with it. Because you love him you are prepared to believe whatever he tells you. I have a friend that loves her DH so much that she believed him when he told her he was "forced to have an affair by a gangster". The story was completely unplausible to everyone else (we do not live in 'gangster' territory) but she loves him so much that if he told her he was an alien she would believe him.

You only have two choices;

a) stay with him and except that the whole relationship is a lie
b) The other.

Cherryapple1 · 12/05/2015 11:38

The trouble is once you know something you can't unknow it.

If he is harassing you go to the police and/or change your number. You don't have to be a sitting duck here waiting for him to hound you. The power is with you here. You can block him and you can decide not to go back. Time to develop a backbone.

whattodoforthebest2 · 12/05/2015 11:40

He's right to be devastated - it's finally sinking in that you mean it and that you've realised you're better off out of it. The game's up. Stick to your guns, OP, otherwise this'll mean years of lies, crying and begging and you feeling ground down by it all. Now's the time to stop being kind and understanding. Your feelings are more important and walking away now is the only way that makes sense.

I think once you show your DM and DSis that you've made your mind up, they'll be backing you up all the way. It's very hard to stand on the sidelines watching someone being treated badly and feeling you can't say anything.

BuzzardBird · 12/05/2015 11:44

Just a word of warning though. If you really stick to your guns this time and not let him off with his lies he will probably up the anti. Don't be surprised by threats of suicide or running away, he will not do it but his usual tactics might be about to let him down.

BuzzardBird · 12/05/2015 11:44

*ante

LyingDP · 12/05/2015 12:23

Buzzard
Yep, I'm ready for that. One of his texts already said 'I can't do this' Hmm

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 12/05/2015 12:33

My friend's DH clutches his chest if she looks like she has seen sense Hmm

AnyFucker · 12/05/2015 12:52

If he threatens suicide that is the lowest of the low

do not respond to such extreme emotional blackmail

pocketsaviour · 12/05/2015 12:57

If you fear you're in danger of giving in to his bullying, block his number, or better yet get a new sim from your provider and don't give him the number (this may be more or less hassle depending on how many contacts you have.)

I can't remember if you said whether you jointly own a house or you rent? If your name is on house deeds I would try to start forcing a sale asap because I think he might be about to go bankrupt.