Heartbroken and worried and I don't know what to do

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

My DP is in his mid-forties and I'm 30. We have been together for nearly six years and he has two teenaged children (who I really like and get on well with, they are great and never have been an issue between us).

The problem, I think, when I try and articulate it into something logical, is that he procrastinates and is a bit of a borderline alcoholic.

Good points first: he is an incredibly loving man, affectionate, cuddly and always ready with a kiss and a cuddle whenever I want/need one.

He is also very bright and intelligent, with a great sense of humour. He seems to love life and throw himself into it 100%.

Bad point: he lied about still being married. He had been separated for five years when we started dating and told me he was divorced on our first date. At the time I felt for him and saw it as one of the things that often comes with dating someone 15 years older.

I found out he was separated and not divorced in 2011 after being with him for a year and a half. That was awful and it was very embarrassing because everyone knew except me that I had not been told the truth.

He says he will sort it out so that we can get married ourselves. It's been four years and nothing has happened. He has worries about his tax code changing and some unpaid bills, which is his reason for being wary of rocking the boat.

I'm 30 and I want so much more than this now. I've been with the man I love for almost six years and we are still in exactly the same place we were at the very beginning.

As well as this, he often goes out and gets absolutely obliterated. We don't have any DC ourselves, so it's not an issue from that perspective, but it's horrible when he "goes out for one" and rolls in stinking of shots at seven am and totally ruins our plans for the day.

Last straw was that he rolled in high on MDMA this morning and I had to sit with him for four hours while it wore off. He was clenching his jaw in a really weird way and saying strange stuff.

Am I being unreasonable to want more for my life? I do love him so much though.

Grape, please please please look further than those nice things, they simply aren't enough. His happiness and wellbeing should only be a priority if it is reciprocated, and it's clear for anyone on the outside that it isn't reciprocated by him. You are worth so much more than this! You are young, intelligent, and 'fit', and with these tools you will attract a much more worthy suitor.

Please stop making excuses for him. I kind of see your point of view a little because I've been in a similar position myself, but you really are fooling yourself. A good friend of mine had some wise words that made me think. He said to me "see things in the long term instead of just in the next 6 months". Where do you see this relationship being in the next 10 years? What do YOU want out of life? His good points do not outweigh his bad points (I won't list them because everyone else has already done this for you).

I reckon you would benefit for some quality time with yourself. Take some time off work, rent a cottage for a week, go there and read and relax and most of all have a good think about what you want. YOU should be your only priority.

I feel/ fear you are his trophy girlfriend.

I was so desperate for some one to love me - have no family - that i stayed with twats too long. Less than a month later I met DH and it has been a revelation. Grown up relationship, no games, no controlling or abusive behaviour, he loves me, would do anything for me, has supported me way beyond what anyone could truly expect and would save my life at the expense of his without a second thought. I never have to worry about him, never have to wonder if he loves me, is an incredible dad and my best friend.

YOU could have all that. But not with Mr Pop star.

I buy my own flowers

I leave my straighteners on my dressing table and my hairdryer on the floor

I sleep on both sides of the bed and I don't even make it some days

Sometimes I throw a spud in the oven and have a jacket potato for dinner rather than cook a whole meal

I go out with friends and never have to answer, "what time will you be home" or, "you woke me up when you came in last night"

I get lonely sometimes but I know I need this time to find me and then I will be in a better place to find the right person for me.

Don't put up with this, before you know it, you'll be 40, then 50 and then you'll realise that babysitting a grown man after he's taken illegal substances is no life to be living.

I'm just going to say one thing to you. You said he makes you feel good 70 to 80% of the time. That means he makes you feel bad for 20% to 30% of the time. 25% is six hours a day, 42 hours a week. That's not good is it.

A good man, the right man to spend the rest of your life with makes you feel good all the time.

This isn't about you; this is about him. You deserve better. Yes, it's hard to admit it. But it's much easier to admit it six years in than twelve years in. You can't change the last six years but you can change the rest of your life.

Good luck.

Grape - no need for a sick bag and laughing at yourself. You did what I asked you to do.

Thank you - you are clearly engaging with this thread and you are so worth more than you have.

I'll be back in a minute when I have a proper answer.

run off to write my next post .....

'Hopes there's wine on this thread when I get back'

Sweetheart I haven't read the whole thread because I very soon made up my mind. I have a daughter your age and if I were your mum I'd be risking staging an intervention, even though I don't believe in interfering unless the situation's desperate.

He was mortified because he'd let slip what he really thinks when he wasn't in control of his full faculties. You're on to him now and you can do so much better.
Have you ever considered that what you've gone through with him has actually held you back in life and also contributed to anxiety levels? Hmm?

I don't think he's likely to magically change or improve and if you stay with him you can see what your life will be like. Thank goodness you don't have a DC with him.

Seriously. I rarely say it, but in your case LTB.

for you.

Havent read the whole thread OP, but i had a 2 year relationship with someone who had mild alcoholism (or maybe it was more than that, i'm not sure) and a weekend coke habit. We were both mid 30s and despite what he said it was clear he was never going to grow out of it. If he's still doing this in his mid-40s then chances are it'll be forever. Or until he becomes ill and needs a carer.

I know its heartbreaking but your heart is fairly broken already by his behaviour so best to cut your losses and move on. Hopefully you could still keep a friendship with his teenage children.

for you

Let's take each thing you said:

MY BACKGROUND

DH was 18 yrs older than me (22/40 yrs) - previously married with 3 children. Separated 8 months when we met - but very honest about that. Waited 5 yrs from separation in late 1970's so there was no upset for children by 'accusing'. I did keep asking him to ask 1st wife to allow the divorce - she kept refusing (I was wanting to confirm our relationship - 1st wife wouldn't allow it).

We were married in 1981, 7 weeks after Divorce Absolute. No fancy wedding!

-------------------
Physically attractive with love in his eyes, smile and face

YOUR DP:

• He isn't that physically attractive when he is coming down from a high or drunk is he?
• He said he was only with you because your are 'fit'

MY DH:

• not really physically attractive in the common understanding of that term but his entire being and personality gave me butterflies
• love in his eyes twinkled every time I entered through the front door and didn't diminish until the moment he died (it was the last light to go out)
• love in his eyes whenever he had his children in his presence. He was simply so proud of them - 3rd DC chose to come and live with us permanently - she's 46 yrs old now
• his smile was wonky because he had a half denture after being punched as a police sergeant. But it was a wonky smile that was shared with me, my family, his family, his 3 children and his special friends. It was so genuine - it signalled that he loved us all - equally and differently.
• always told me I looked 'fetching' when I dressed up for a night out, a wedding, or other social occasion (I was usually in suits for work)
• flowers were bought every few weeks for BOTH OF US - we both loved the smell of fresh flowers and the thoughtfulness behind bringing them home. I would land in from work with a bunch of freshias (his Mum's favourite flower) and he might just set a vase of flowers in the bay window so I could see them as I pulled the car onto the drive.

-----------------

Protective

YOUR DP:

• sorry ..... don't know what to write here from your posts....

MY DH:

• taught me how to protect myself - grow my wings and then fly!
• Would always walk on the outside of the pavement when we were walking (goes back to chivalry and army tradition ... they take the splashes when a carriage comes down the lane )
• he would have laid down his life (or given an organ) for me or his 3 children
• If I was challenged by poor behaviour at work - he would encourage me to figure out how I could have handled it better myself
• When I applied for a job that I wasn't ready for, he would talk me through the positives I had learnt. But I was always his wife who was 'perfick' in his eyes.
• DH never heard anything once he was asleep so any protection for 'unusual sounds' involved me digging my elbows in his ribs and saying "follow me downstairs" He did try to tell me that the alarm we had wasn't activated. We had 3 very naughty cats who thought they could play and destroy whenever they wanted .... and then looked innocent in the morning.

--------------------

idiosyncratic sleeping (the way he sleeps)

Your DP:

• sleeps like a babe with no responsibility, no guilt
• has had a happy day without his personal happiness and well-being challenged
• conveniently forgets that he has said anything malicious or harmful to the person he purports to love

MY DH:

• snored like a trooper! (I still miss that horrendous snoring and have to have music in the bedroom to allow me to sleep even now!)
• went to bed before me - but I have been known to wake him at 3am in the morning to say my laptop had crashed and I had a power-point presentation to do at 10am. He got up with a few grumbles, but fixed it!
• we spooned every night - if he turned, I turned: if I turned, he turned.
• I wasn't allowed to get up for 40 mins - 1 hour after he got up (he needed quiet space to let the cats out, and have his first cup of coffee in peace) but I got a cup of coffee in bed to keep me in the bedroom whilst I did shower, make-up!

-----------------

CAVEAT:

We loved each other with a passion! But we also argued (sometimes) with the same passion. But we argued on equal terms. One of us would not have been pulling our weight and the other one had to bring it up. We NEVER went to bed on an argument (that was a rule).

When DH was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer with only 1 month to live, we knew we had to spend it together. Our marriage was so strong, I knew I could do it for him. I hoisted him, did bed baths, I gave him injections for steroid-induced diabetes, I cooked his last favourite meals, I pushed him in a wheel-chair to visit friends he wanted to say goodbye to.

---------------

I hope this helps!

Well blow me down wiv a fevver! I just got a glass of from AF

Fank you, muchly apreshiated!

I believe him when you say you love him - sort of - it's a bit hard as he comes across like a low rent Simon Cowell - but the fact that you love him isn't relevant to whether he's the right choice as a life partner.

It sounds like you want to love someone very much so you've chosen him, a little bit at random I feel as I'm not sure how much you have in common, I think you're a more worthy recipient of that love than he is.

Take the nearest exit.

Had to compose myself after that beautiful post from sadwidow. Wow!

That is simply a true love. Mutual appreciation, trust and loyalty.

Oo I hadn't refreshed to sadwidow

I have only ever had one other boyfriend who was violent with emotional problems

Now it's time to look inward for love, not to men who can't see how lovely you are.

I wish I had seen a thread like this when I was your age.

Life is short and precious; find out about you, what will make you happy and don't expect that drunkard to give you what you need.

It will hurt, but what comes after you get rid of him will be like seeing in technicolor after years of miserable black and white.

The very best of love and luck and happiness to you.

Sorry my post should say I believe you when you say you love him ^^

Get a grip Twinklestein.

Sadwidow, that post was so filled with love it made me cry. Beautiful. It sounds like your husband knew how much he was loved.

Ah but handfulofcottonbuds and Twinklestein, you see, the power of true love and partnership meant that DH lived for TWO MONTHS and not just the ONE that was suggested 'if he was lucky'.

DH knew it was going to be distressing for me - but it was my choice to learn every medical thing I had to and enjoy his last few weeks with him. It was a privilege to have my DH die in my arms. I know I made his passing much more manageable.

DH lives my heart to this day!

SW your late husband sounds wonderful

grape you deserve no less than this, really you do

So sorry for your loss Sadwidow. At the risk of sounding trite - I think he was so incredibly lucky to have you.

Sadwidow I have a little tear in my eye

I want to take you for a cream tea sadwidow

Grape - you deserve no less than a true love. BUT, take time on your own first to find out who you are.

This is so helpful, thanks everyone; and sadwidow, I cannot tell you how much your words have meant to me. That is true love and I want the same thing.

Thank you everyone - but I would like to take Grapeeatingweirdo for cream tea with the MNetters! We'd help her to value herself as one of the most remarkable people who is walking this earth.

I can't wrap her up in my arms - I can just share my experiences to see if they help her to re-evaluate.

If grape is anywhere near NW, I am happy to meet her personally and take her for the cream tea.