Heartbroken and worried and I don't know what to do

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

My DP is in his mid-forties and I'm 30. We have been together for nearly six years and he has two teenaged children (who I really like and get on well with, they are great and never have been an issue between us).

The problem, I think, when I try and articulate it into something logical, is that he procrastinates and is a bit of a borderline alcoholic.

Good points first: he is an incredibly loving man, affectionate, cuddly and always ready with a kiss and a cuddle whenever I want/need one.

He is also very bright and intelligent, with a great sense of humour. He seems to love life and throw himself into it 100%.

Bad point: he lied about still being married. He had been separated for five years when we started dating and told me he was divorced on our first date. At the time I felt for him and saw it as one of the things that often comes with dating someone 15 years older.

I found out he was separated and not divorced in 2011 after being with him for a year and a half. That was awful and it was very embarrassing because everyone knew except me that I had not been told the truth.

He says he will sort it out so that we can get married ourselves. It's been four years and nothing has happened. He has worries about his tax code changing and some unpaid bills, which is his reason for being wary of rocking the boat.

I'm 30 and I want so much more than this now. I've been with the man I love for almost six years and we are still in exactly the same place we were at the very beginning.

As well as this, he often goes out and gets absolutely obliterated. We don't have any DC ourselves, so it's not an issue from that perspective, but it's horrible when he "goes out for one" and rolls in stinking of shots at seven am and totally ruins our plans for the day.

Last straw was that he rolled in high on MDMA this morning and I had to sit with him for four hours while it wore off. He was clenching his jaw in a really weird way and saying strange stuff.

Am I being unreasonable to want more for my life? I do love him so much though.

sadwidow28 - you've been through so much

grape - these two men have ground you down so much. If you spend some time on your own, building up your own self esteem, then you will be able to see the wood for the trees.

You said you don't know about that drug, well it can be fatal. He's an idiot!

I agree that you are out of his league and you deserve so much more!

Thanks for the heads up on the support thread. I will check t out!

He moans about you not putting away your straighteners but he rolls in at 7 am after taking drugs from strangers? I know who I'd rather live with!

He hasn't grown up. Going out and coming home at seven am isn't appealing in a forty something man. That's not what you'd want if you had a baby, or a toddler, or a child.
You are so young, you will find someone else.
Sorry it hasn't worked out. X

I've never felt like my immense love for him is totally 100% reciprocated

Can you tell us any more about this 'immense love' that you feel?

I loved my DH until his dying breath - so I actually know what MY immense love felt like and how it manifested. (I can also tell you how his immense love for me manifested.)

I don't want to pre-empt your answer, because hopefully it might help you to sort out your thoughts. But I promise I'll share my experience afterwards.

The things he does that you like are very superficial. I don't mean you are superficial but these don't show a deep connection to you. Buying you snacks? Wow.

It's just whether or not I can find something that is more right for me.
More right for you than a foul-mouthed, lying addict who one moment calls you a nightmare and the next gives you flowers? You really think that you won't find anyone better than that during, say, the next 50 years of your life?

If he vanished into thin air tomorrow, how would it feel living on your own? Not waiting through the night for someone to come home - but instead going to be and waking up in the morning ready to do the things you'd planned? Not spending the day holding someone's head over the toilet but instead watching a bit of telly, reading your favourite book, with the bed left unmade and your hair straighteners scattered over the floor and no need to feel bad abut it?

so you can overlook the drinking, drug taking and marriage because he sends flowers on your birthday and gives you the occasional hug? I am astounded you have such low self esteem that you think this is all you deserve. And then you blame yourself because you didn't put a pair of hair-straighteners away.

He only wants you if you go along with his 'lifestyle' - the minute you challenge him he turns the insults on you and plays on your insecurities - that isn't love in any way, shape or form is it.

handfulofcottonbuds - I am still standing though! Widowed at 46 yrs old and still widowed 14 years later. But I am content with my new normal with the dog!

My biggest mistake during the 14 years was getting involved with a friend's divorced brother a year after DH's death. I didn't want another marriage but was happy with a very close involvement. He took me for thousands of pounds to set him up in an extremely lucrative business which I helped him establish ... then the physical abuse started. It took 3 severe beatings/strangulation before I could walk away - but I had him prosecuted.

You bought his initial bullshit because you valued yourself less than he does and unfortunately it's still the case six years later.

If you really, really want marriage and children, then you need to get your shit together. Start investing in yourself and see a counsellor and stop wasting your fertile years by hiding in this relationship.

OP putting his niceness into perspective. Friends give cuddles and friends will send flowers. You don't need to put up with an immature, 40 year old drug using alcoholic to have those treats. You are far too good for him. Your achievements to date are amazing and you are only 30. What has he achieved. Nothing.

Sadwidow, first of all I am so sorry for your loss. It really sounds like you had a special love and I really appreciate your comment and would love to read about your love for him.

As far as my love for DP goes, it's hard to explain. I love him physically, as in find him very attractive but also love his eyes, smile and face. I also love him in a protective sort of way that is quite intense.

I also love his personality and little things like the way he smiles and even the way he sleeps. Yes, I almost need the sick bag myself ha ha.

His happiness and wellbeing is priority number one and I just want to make him happy.

Does that explain it a little?

He lied to you about something very, very important at the beginning of your relationship. Something that everyone else knew about, except you, and they also knew you hadn't been told. How absolutely fucking humiliating that must have been for you.

He did not accept some unknown and unidentifiable drug from a random! This jerk sounds like a complete idiot but I doubt he would do something quite that reckless. Of one thing you can be certain: he got the drugs from friends and it was planned ahead of time. On a Saturday night when most couples make an effort to be doing something together. But not him: he made you sit at home, wondering if he'd roll in in one piece. As if you were his Mum or something.

There are lots of men out there, and most of them are kind and decent who won't lead you up the garden-path or berate you for leaving your hair-straighteners lying about. Find one and be happy. This middle-aged dingbat reliving his youth is an embarrassment and likely won't ever make you happy.

Why do you not like or value yourself, OP?

Justusemyname, good question. I had quite a tough time growing up and was in treatment for anorexia when I first met DP. I think a lot of my issues with self esteem come from that.

If you want to have children and a happy life then get out NOW!

"Last straw was that he rolled in high on MDMA this morning and I had to sit with him for four hours while it wore off. He was clenching his jaw in a really weird way and saying strange stuff."

Please believe me when I say this will only get worse and if you stay with him he will destroy you. My brother was a drug addict and an alcoholic so I know what I am talking about. If you stay with him your life will be hell but if you get out you will have a chance of happiness just like everyone else.

Do you really want to give up on the chance of having children and a happy life?

Pack your bags now and don't look back!

But, OP, whilst a child's needs and happiness can and should be a priority for us, our partner's needs and happiness should be on a par with our own. Where did you learn that someone else's happiness was more important than your own?

Isnt MDMA Ecstasy? - I could be wron - a bit dim on drugs tbh.

Either way - drugs is massive no no for me personally. It is just not something that sits comfortably with me on any level. I could not tolerate this at all.

That besides - he really does not sound like a very good catch to be honest. Yes he does nice things for you but - in your own words you never feel like he loves you back as much as you love him. In other words - you knid of already know that he is just not that into you.

You are so young and have so much time on your side. Get out now. Walk away and find yourself. Spend time alone building your ownself esteem.

One day you will find someone who will love you for who you are and yo will be a in better position mentally to let that relationship bloom.

Do you think he feels protective towards you?

Have you had any counselling about your childhood and anxiety? I've found it very helpful.

You can't make him happy if he doesn't want to be. He sounds full of bull, disrespectful and you deserve better. Move on before he grinds your self esteem into the dirt.

sadwidow - you always talk so much sense, your strength shines through your posts

grape - please re-read your posts, what exactly would be the final, final straw for you? He is playing on your past insecurities and I wouldn't say not making the bed is on a par with rolling in high in the early hours!! You are not both as bad as each other, he is nasty, selfish and doesn't deserve you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_recommendations/2311467-Support-thread-for-women-with-suspected-diagnosed-self-diagnosed-ASD-or-ADHD?pg=1&order=

This may help. Anorexia is unfortunately fairly common in women with ASD/SPD.

It is not either/or. Low self esteem is a consequence but is still real and has real effects. At the same time, no amount of counselling will 'cure' ASD.

Oh grape, I just want to give you a hug. You are worth far more than him. Do you worry about being lonely as you have ASD? Do you have anyone you could talk to who understands you? Could you ask the GP for some counselling for depression and low self esteem?
He really is not coming over as 'dad material'.

It's just whether or not I can find something that is more right for me.

There we go... that's your fear!

That comes from low-esteem. You are holding onto something that you know you cannot ultimately tolerate or accept because the fear of starting on a THIRD relationship is holding you back. However, I suggest that the THIRD relationship should be with yourself.

Learn to love YOU first - with your mildly annoying/messy habits. You can even leave the bed unmade if you want to - nobody will die! You can decide whether you want your straighteners out on a dressing table (at the ready) or hidden in a drawer. Learn how much space/silence, lack of worry YOU need to function as a wholly-rounded human being. Learn about the 'treats' you can give yourself to allow you to totally value who you are and how hard you work. (I had to have a looooooong soak in the bath when I came in from my very stressful job - then I would eat my evening meal. I am retired now, but I still have the same routine after my volunteer work.) I love the beach, the sea and the countryside (open spaces with no immediate social interaction) so every weekend includes some travel and then looooong walks with the dog.

You've had some great advice on here grape. Please heed it.

Listen to your inner voice/ gut instinct/ guardian angel or whatever trying to protect you.

You know there's a proble. Course you did because you've brought it here.

This is not an an acceptable relationship for someone as youthful and needy as yourself.

This man is an abuser and a liar and goodness knows what other goodies he has in store for you at a later date.

As Oprah famously said 'buy your own flowers'...and ditch the loser .

Massive red flags here. Don't ignore them. Listen to that voice trying to protect you.

I love to say that there's always a cuddle in the pot with my man . It's great isn't it when there's always one when you need it.

However he didn't lie about his marital status, he always compliments me. He wouldn't dream of coming in at 7am stinking of drink. I dont live on a knife edge. He also is marrying me this year.

Can you see the difference yet sweetheart.

Get him out of your life and spend some time with yourself and discovering what it is you want. See if there are any assertiveness courses you can go on.

Your a bright young thing but you are not applying common sense.