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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Heartbroken and worried and I don't know what to do

104 replies

Grapeeatingweirdo · 10/05/2015 16:02

My DP is in his mid-forties and I'm 30. We have been together for nearly six years and he has two teenaged children (who I really like and get on well with, they are great and never have been an issue between us).

The problem, I think, when I try and articulate it into something logical, is that he procrastinates and is a bit of a borderline alcoholic.

Good points first: he is an incredibly loving man, affectionate, cuddly and always ready with a kiss and a cuddle whenever I want/need one.

He is also very bright and intelligent, with a great sense of humour. He seems to love life and throw himself into it 100%.

Bad point: he lied about still being married. He had been separated for five years when we started dating and told me he was divorced on our first date. At the time I felt for him and saw it as one of the things that often comes with dating someone 15 years older.

I found out he was separated and not divorced in 2011 after being with him for a year and a half. That was awful and it was very embarrassing because everyone knew except me that I had not been told the truth.

He says he will sort it out so that we can get married ourselves. It's been four years and nothing has happened. He has worries about his tax code changing and some unpaid bills, which is his reason for being wary of rocking the boat.

I'm 30 and I want so much more than this now. I've been with the man I love for almost six years and we are still in exactly the same place we were at the very beginning.

As well as this, he often goes out and gets absolutely obliterated. We don't have any DC ourselves, so it's not an issue from that perspective, but it's horrible when he "goes out for one" and rolls in stinking of shots at seven am and totally ruins our plans for the day.

Last straw was that he rolled in high on MDMA this morning and I had to sit with him for four hours while it wore off. He was clenching his jaw in a really weird way and saying strange stuff.

Am I being unreasonable to want more for my life? I do love him so much though.

OP posts:
MrsEvadneCake · 10/05/2015 16:39

It must have been fantastic but now over time you've seen how it will be.

You can have a wonderful life with someone but not with him. He won't change and the part of him you love isn't enough to stay for. You're being very brave facing this. You need to carry on being brave now and make things better for yourself by starting a new life. One that will move forward.

sadwidow28 · 10/05/2015 16:39

He was kind and caring and amazing. I felt like I had won the lottery.

And since then you have got to know the REAL him. If you had known then what you know now, I don't think you would have been so starry-eyed. He spotted your vulnerability and thought it was okay to lie to you until he had got you 'hooked' and emotionally attached.

When/if you are ready, you can use this thread to ask for advice on how to leave. There are some very wise MNetters who have broken away from destructive relationships. There will be lots of hand-holding available when/if you are ready.

kikkomum · 10/05/2015 16:42

I can see why you fell for him. He offered you comfort at a time when you were low and vulnerable. But it sounds like he has shown his true colours.

Please leave with your dignity while you still can.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2015 16:42

he is not wonderful

he's a middle aged loser

the worst kind, because he should have left any tendencies to loser-like behaviour behind a long time ago

if you have kids with this man, he will let you down massively

TendonQueen · 10/05/2015 16:46

You obviously still have very low self esteem and don't think you deserve better, but you absolutely do. He isn't a hero and doesn't merit being on a pedestal. Far from it, as a father of teenagers who is out taking drugs on a weekend and blurts out nasty comments to you under the influence. He is lucky to have you, not the other way around! You're only 30 and there really are plenty of decent men out there. Don't think you have to settle for this.

TendonQueen · 10/05/2015 16:47

Oh yes, and definitely, if you want kids we your own you need to move on. It would be disastrous to have them with him.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 10/05/2015 16:47

I think you've posted about him before haven't you? I recognise his. He sounded like an irresponsible, immature pain in the arse then and nothing you've said here has changed my opinion. You can do better than this waster. What will happen when you are ready for children? Hmm

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 10/05/2015 16:47

I recognise him.

sadwidow28 · 10/05/2015 16:51

I'm 30 and I want so much more than this now. I've been with the man I love for almost six years and we are still in exactly the same place we were at the very beginning.

  • 30 years old
  • Still in exactly the same place we were at the beginning
  • I want so much more than this now

AND YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.

Can you speak to anyone in RL who might be able to help and support you whilst your are 'heart-broken'? And trust me, hearts do mend if they are given the right environment and positive relationships.

Grapeeatingweirdo · 10/05/2015 16:51

I've only ever kissed two people, I would be hopeless! He does have a lot of reason to be annoyed at me sometimes. For example, tidiness is much more important to him than it is to me. I'm a bit more of a free spirit.

We're not talking mouldy cups or anything unsanitary, more like me forgetting to make the bed and leaving my straighteners where I have used them.

I'm also a bit of a "nightmare" (his words) because my past issues can make me a bit anxious sometimes.

On the whole though, I think I'm not too bad. He goes on at me for being messy and then leaves his washing up for days. We are as bad as each other.

Such a mess. Leaving him is something that really upsets me just thinking about it. I realise I've made him sound like a complete tool.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/05/2015 16:51

I recognise him in that he is the walking cliche of the Charming Loser

he will carry on attracting the younger, naive women who don't realise what a dick he is until it's too late until he starts to lose his boyish and sparky charm

he has about 10 years left before the booze and drugs ruins his looks and the shine wears off

if he's lucky

pity the women who think they can change him...they are fooling only themselves

ImperialBlether · 10/05/2015 16:52

Winning the lottery at that point, though, was not having a violent relationship, wasn't it? He was nice to you and you fancied him - it's easy to see how you thought you were onto a winner. Don't blame yourself for that.

However, your eyes have been opened, haven't they? You now know what he's really like and it's not what you expected.

Imagine being on a dating site and his profile on there:

Separated, but I will tell you I'm divorced until I get found out
I take drugs - in fact, I'll take anything from anyone
I drink far too much
I'm not reliable - if I go out you will never ever be sure what time I'll be back
I'm really nasty when I'm drunk
I have a nice smile

Would you REALLY think, "Oh that's okay, he's got a lovely smile so that outweighs everything else"?

Your self-esteem is naturally low after being with the other twat and with this one. Why don't you think of someone you really admire - well-known or not - someone who really seems sorted. Why don't you think what they would do in this situation? Think how they'd react - would they stay and put up with this shit or would they think, "Time's up, time to go"?

heylilbunny · 10/05/2015 16:54

Yes OP you seriously do not want this man to be the father of your children. He will not change - he is already a father and it did not change his behaviour instead you will be the only responsible adult in the house and he will still expect to go drinking and drugging as usual and for you to go on looking after him.

I am 46 and my DH is 45. We have been married almost 19 years and he has never behaved like this (and neither have I). This is not normal, this guy is very immature and willing to lie to get what he wants. He is relying on his charm to flatter younger women into thinking they have won the lottery.

Please get out of this relationship and find someone you can have a RECIPROCAL relationship with. You are still young and can have the marriage and family you clearly want.

I am so impressed that you have written a novel! You are definitely NOT a procrastinator.

TendonQueen · 10/05/2015 16:55

So he takes drugs, lies to you, insults you and puts you down, but it's fair enough because after all, sometimes you don't put your straighteners away? One of these things is not like the other!

You are a flawed person and that's fair enough. He's an unpleasant person and that's not. Get rid.

ravenmum · 10/05/2015 16:57

I'm with TendonQueen - he is amazingly lucky to have you.

If you were single now, what would be your dream man? Tall, dark, blond, your age, younger? Clean, telling you that you are lovely, wanting to spend weekends with you? I'm not saying you could have the absolute man of your dreams tomorrow, but I'd place bets on your chances of getting someone a lot closer to your ideal man...

ravenmum · 10/05/2015 17:01

He says you're a nightmare when you get anxious and tells you off for not making the bed? No wonder you have low self-esteem Confused

Justusemyname · 10/05/2015 17:18

This isn't about you not being painted I a positive light and I can't understand why that is a concern.

You are with someone who lied, cares more about money than you, stays with you because you look "fit" and is a drug taker. Does he financially support you as I can't see why you'd stay otherwise?

Inexperience is no excuse. If you don't see it yourself that this is a bad relationship listen to the wise posters on here and trust that they are right. If you stay it will get worse and MN will support you. If you get your big girl pants on and leave then mumsnetters will support you then too. Take your pick.

Grapeeatingweirdo · 10/05/2015 17:20

If I'm being really honest with myself, I've never felt like my immense love for him is totally 100% reciprocated. He says it is but I just don't know.

OP posts:
Grapeeatingweirdo · 10/05/2015 17:21

No Justusemyname, I have a job and support myself/pay 50% of outgoings.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 10/05/2015 17:22

You were out of his league from the start, OP. You still are.

Do you have local friends or family?

tribpot · 10/05/2015 17:24

He says it is

Indeed. And then he:

  • goes out on the piss all night
  • takes drugs
  • refuses to get divorced
  • gets pissy with you about your anxiety

This guy is so not in it for the long haul. If you fell ill or, god forbid, had a baby, he'd be no use to you. AF has pegged it - the Charming Loser.

jelliebelly · 10/05/2015 17:24

You've "made him sound like a complete tool" because he IS a complete tool.

ravenmum · 10/05/2015 17:25

How does he show you his love?

KOKOagainandagain · 10/05/2015 17:28

OP there is a support thread on the special needs board for women on the spectrum. You can talk about difficulties identifying a good friend/partner from a bad one. It is symptomatic not idiotic. But it can make you vulnerable and so get in to relationships that have an unhealthy dynamic. And this can negatively effect self-esteem. You don't need to improve your self esteem so that you can better tolerate the intolerable. Ditch him and then learn how to differentiate.

Grapeeatingweirdo · 10/05/2015 17:30

Raven, he's very smiley, funny and cuddly pretty much all of the time and has this way of making me feel very protected.

He also does little things for me like picking up my favourite snacks as a surprise, sending flowers to my work on my birthday and generally being kind and attentive.

It's the drinking, drug taking and marriage thing that's making me realise how much time I am wasting. I really do love him. Even his exes get on really well with him.

It's just whether or not I can find something that is more right for me.

OP posts: