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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic abuse - Women's refuges

60 replies

bitbybitbybit · 10/05/2015 01:47

I'm 6months pregnant and DH and I have an 18months old DS.

After 8yrs I can feel myself getting closer to the "finish line" My husband is an emotional abuser and a controlling individual...he was violent once 7yrs ago. Tonight he blew up in front of our son and slapped me grabbing my face to push me onto the sofa. I lost it got up and slapped him (he slapped me back whilst screaming at me) i took my son and went upstairs to stay away from DH and mostly reassure my baby. I feel so ashamed that not only this happened in front of DS but i was unable to keep my cool and escalated. This showed how much this relationship needs to be over. It was the 1st and I need it to be ths last time my son sees this.
Im after some advice on emergency (council) housing/ women's refuge. I'm scared to take the step. I've been thinking about it for years and i think i just need a final push to help me get over the fear of thos massove change.

I met him when i was 20 and him 35. I'm now 28. i graduated from Uni, got engaged amd planned the wedding. We fell pregnant straight after so I've not got any career to go back to. I've not got a penny to my name amd family and friends are abroad.

Please help! Where do I start and will we be okay???Sad

Thanks for reading X

OP posts:
sherbetlemonD · 10/05/2015 01:57

Can you contact your parents and ask them to come out and support you for a while? Or another family member?

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 10/05/2015 02:06

Hi sher
Sadly no i can't. My sister is poorly in another country so my mother used her savings money to go support her. My dadis jobless...and that's about all the family I have left.

I did tell my parents i was going to be leaving him at some point. That was in January. They were shocked and since then have offered no support whatsoever...maybe becausei said i didn't intend to ho back to my home country for my son's sake...

OP posts:
FromAtoZ · 10/05/2015 02:10

My friend went in to a refuge a few years back as her partner was physically abusive and she said she thinks it saved her life.

If he is willing to hurt you while pregnant never mind any other time you need to leave not just for you but for your children.

I know it's scary but it's better to start again than put up with that for the rest of your life.

Good luck

ohidoliketobe · 10/05/2015 02:11

www.refuge.org.uk/ should provide you with information on your local refuge and how to get in touch. By the sounds of it you're making the sensible decision for you and your dc.
Good luck op, will be thinkig about you x

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 10/05/2015 02:13

Yes thats true. I'm so very scared. What if the refuge "post" me far away from all I know? Apparently they rstely have spaces nearby. It's lonely as it is here. I'm going to be lost. What will family ssy that won't make things worse... Im scared

OP posts:
Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 10/05/2015 02:14

Thanks ohido Sad xx

OP posts:
FromAtoZ · 10/05/2015 02:16

You have to think about your safety and your sons too. Ring them up or go down, speak to them tell them your fears they will help you the best they can.

sadwidow28 · 10/05/2015 02:33

Contact the freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline
run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge

CALL: 0808 2000 247 or 0808 2000 247

If you can phone, you can email if you can't phone:

EMAIL: [email protected]

kickassangel · 10/05/2015 04:28

Even if you end up moving away, you will have support around you, which you don't now. A refuge tends to be short-term, with you moving on to a new home, hopefully where you will be able to put down roots and feel less isolated. Many abusive men isolate their partners, or choose someone who doesn't have much family around. You will find it easier to put down roots and make connections with people if you're not living with an abusive man. It may take some time, but you will be able to do it. Staying with an abusive man won't help you to make friends.

Controlling men often go for younger partners, and 'accidentally' get them pregnant as well, to keep them vulnerable. It is quite likely that he has done all of this to you to make you more reliant on him.

Getting out will help you to cope and be independent.

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 10/05/2015 07:21

Thanks all. I just woke up and my body aches everwhere. Im exhausted as i only had 5hrs sleep after all this mess happened...he dared came to bed to sleep. That is typical of him. After all it is his house so if im not happy i can sleep on the couch, or leave.
I already called women's aid last night and they basically had to end the call because hs was still in the house so i got nowhere with that.
It's scary how isolated i am: not one friend i can stay with.

OP posts:
something2say · 10/05/2015 07:23

You will need to go far away yes, for safety.

You won't stay in there, you have to find a flat to rent after that, probably a private rent and the council will pay for your rent deposit, provided you fit their criteria.

It would help if you made a report to the police as the crime ref number will mean that agencies can't turn you away.

But the main thing is, you will be safe and it will all be over. X

Vivacia · 10/05/2015 07:32

What are you going to do today? Do what he'll be doing?

Woodenheart · 10/05/2015 13:08

I hope you are ok, there is lots of help on here from people, keep posting.

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 10/05/2015 13:11

Hi guys. So I've called women's aid back so just waiting on a return from them since they were busy. I've taken my son and left the house early to go amd spend the day out of town at a mate's. DS is napping now, i should too but for obvious reasons I'm finding it hard.
Ive discovered a massive bruise on one of my arms plus some blood marks inder the skin where he squeezed me so i took pictures...He could take pics of the cratches i left on his face too which leads to my next question/point:
Is there any point in reporting what happened to the police as they will probably realise very quickly that both DH lost it last night rather he was physically abusive to this poor angel of a woman who did nothing to trigger it? Had i kept my mouth shut and just tried to avoid him okay then i guess it would make sense but i feel like a total bitch doing this when i know i also played a big part in what happened. Plus, this would automatically take it to another level (report him to the police) as if to prepare to get him away and get stuff from him legally.

I'm an angry person and i started private counselling 2weeks ago (he's paying for it) he told me he was seeimg someone alredy and i never belived him. I know him and how he manipulates ppl especially me. He said it so i would get off his case but i didn't swallow that big fat lie. He asked me last week whilst we were in the "happy phase" of our mad relationship: "so when's your next session?" i told him when and then i asked "when's yours?"
He didn't see that coming at all and the biggest neevous smile/laugh came out and I said to him with a smile on face "You know something, the only person who belives your getting counselling is you because i never believed it...Smile Wink Blush" There was no tension and i said it calmly and basically he knows he was caught off guard...

I don't know what he's up to as i left early but we will be home later.
I don't know how this is going to unfold but it suddenly feels very real.Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 10/05/2015 13:13

Crossed post woodenheart Im pretending im okay but i feel totally lost. Wish i was home having a happy family sunday just like most people I know. ð???

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 10/05/2015 14:08

You should definitely report it to the police for a number of reasons.

You can say it's the first time he's been violent in front of the child and that you slapped him back, be upfront with the police about that. Show them your photos. He was violent to you first, and what he did was worse than a slap.

Even if they feel they can't charge him, it will still be on file.

something2say · 10/05/2015 14:16

I'd be careful about telling the police in that case. If you admit an assault to them, they may caution you anyway, even tho there is a clear DV pattern.

The best thing to do is to stay away. If you can get into a refuge space either today or in the coming week, all good. Stay elsewhere until then. If you need stuff from the home, either get a friend to go with you or call 101 and get the police to go with you. But beware if he is there and he then talks to them. Maybe get a third party to mediate, asking him to agree to being away when you go back to pack your stuff. If he won't agree, don't go back yet. If you do get to go back, take essentials plus paperwork.

Do you feel that the relationship is over? If so, avoid all contact. Do not make any and do not respond to any. Re child contact, he takes it thro the court and because that is a civil court, you can disclose the DV to them. They will suggest a contact arrangement whereby you and he don't meet.

Good luck. Also make contact with your local DV service, look them up online. They will take you thro the steps properly.

Make an end of it and then get into your issues once you are stable. Good luck xxx

tribpot · 10/05/2015 14:21

Yes, you should report it to the police. Apart from anything else, he hit you first, didn't he? Okay you reacted at a time when you weren't literally being hit but you were unable to get away? You must report this. You are in a better place to get away now than when the baby has arrived.

You are right that your ds must never see behaviour like that again.

sadwidow28 · 10/05/2015 14:53

Tonight he blew up in front of our son and slapped me grabbing my face to push me onto the sofa.

  • blew up (verbally volatile)
  • slapped
  • grabbed face
  • pushed onto sofa

I would report to the police DV Unit and let them photograph your injuries. That is a catalogue of him abusing you before you 'lost it' in retaliation/self-defence.

But be very honest that you did slap him back and have caused some scratches (before he slapped YOU yet again).

Vivacia · 10/05/2015 14:54

I think that you should report it to the police. We read from a lot of women who regret not having a paper trail for these things. At least if you report it you're giving yourself the option.

Twinklestein · 10/05/2015 15:13

Exactly ^

One of the reasons you need to report it is that if you decide not to go to a refuge you will have no evidence of DV (other than the previous incident if you reported that).

You can apply for legal aid to divorce an abusive man, but you need proof. Having been in a refuge is solid proof and it's one of the list of qualifiers for legal aid. If you haven't, you need proof from police and from a professional such as a GP to support your application. If you haven't already told your GP you're in abusive relationship, then do so now.

Dowser · 10/05/2015 15:33

You poor thing.
No advice to add but just wish to say that I hope you get to a place of safety tonight.

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 10/05/2015 16:10

This is all sound and precious advice guys. I do regret not having reported it years ago when i was litterally bruised all over BUT i have kept pics of that incident and took pics of last night's injuries.
The good thing is I have no problem being honest unlike him. He said to me yesterday you are always the first to be violent! Shock I said you hit me and i then slapped you dont you twist it. But in his head he only reacted to my slap. I was sat on the couch with my arms over my head and as i took them away he grabbed my face after which i got up and slapped him...but NO im the lier.

In any case, Women's Aid called me back and advised me to go to the local council in person with my son and make a stand for want (emergency accommodation) although im scared to be put up in a noisy and dirty hostel with my son. I guess I'll have to go tomorrow and see what they say i can decide on what to do afterwards. Reduge or Emergency council accommodation...but definitely not getting him out of the house so i we can stay there. He owns it. He owned it way before we met and he's made it quite clear over the years even yesterday that if I don't like it there I can pack up and leave.

He laugh yesterday when I said don't think I have nowhere to go. And then said "do what you have to do instead of talking about it" Thats because he knows i have no famiky and friends. Last week we talked openly and i cried saying i was very close to leaving before he returned from his last business trip. He said "yes but its not like you'd have anywhere to go so..." I purpously said nothing about all the info I've been gathering for the last months so as not to put myself in a vulnerable position. Yesterday I realised he'd stumbled across the books I've been reading about abusive men which probably hurt him. It really seems like he has no idea how much of an emotionally abusive person he is.

I'm very scared still but im slowly getting up and putting one foot in front of the other...but very slowly.

Keep in reading me and posting for me my ladies you have been giving me strength and without this I won't get anywhere.
Xxx

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 10/05/2015 16:27

Ive no doubt he has no idea how abusive he is.

It's standard for abusive men to claim their partner is the violent one, so take it with a pinch of salt.

Original poster
bitbybitbybit · 10/05/2015 16:28

Sorry for all the typos I'm typing too fast

OP posts:
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