Domestic abuse - Women's refuges

[bitbybitbybit]

I'm 6months pregnant and DH and I have an 18months old DS.

After 8yrs I can feel myself getting closer to the "finish line" My husband is an emotional abuser and a controlling individual...he was violent once 7yrs ago. Tonight he blew up in front of our son and slapped me grabbing my face to push me onto the sofa. I lost it got up and slapped him (he slapped me back whilst screaming at me) i took my son and went upstairs to stay away from DH and mostly reassure my baby. I feel so ashamed that not only this happened in front of DS but i was unable to keep my cool and escalated. This showed how much this relationship needs to be over. It was the 1st and I need it to be ths last time my son sees this.
Im after some advice on emergency (council) housing/ women's refuge. I'm scared to take the step. I've been thinking about it for years and i think i just need a final push to help me get over the fear of thos massove change.

I met him when i was 20 and him 35. I'm now 28. i graduated from Uni, got engaged amd planned the wedding. We fell pregnant straight after so I've not got any career to go back to. I've not got a penny to my name amd family and friends are abroad.

Please help! Where do I start and will we be okay???

Thanks for reading X

The social worker has called and we've arranged for her to come tomorrow afternoon. O feel sick to my stomach!!! What have I done? This is going to change 3verything isn't it there's no goong back after that. Oh dear I'm absolutely petrify amd of course quite nervous anout my husband's reaction. He's not home tet but I plan to tell him when he gets back

Why do I feel guilty? All thos times I went nuts and screamed at him in the past he's never called the police and since we have kids he's never reported me to police or social services. He's encouraged me to go counselling (denying he needs to coumsell to)...somehow it will make him feel like im back-stabbing him and i didn't want that at all.

The SW will be on your side as long as you make positive decisions to protect your kids.

It's the inevitable consequence of what he's done. Shouting at him is simply not the same as assaulting you when you're pregnant. That is his responsibility.

If you're worried about your husband's reaction then call the police. It would be most sensible to tell them on the record what happened at the weekend (ie not just anonymously), tell them that the SW is coming and you are afraid of his reaction. They will protect you if necessary. They can't protect you if they don't have your details logged.

I was married to an abusive man for 11 years.

I'm a year out of it and my children and I are unrecognisable.

Please, please leave. Your life doesn't have to be this way.

I imagined myself as an old woman gong back over my life and I knew in my heart and soul that not leaving him would be my one and only regret.

The peace in my life is amazing.

Good luck op, you CAN do it xx

noneed that's quite inspiring...im dying to feel free but feel like chickening out every other day. Like you the one thing that's kicked me up the bum in the 1st place was to think about how I'd be in 10-20-30yeats time and the impact on my kids...i know i wont be happy it's a case of "Can I or Can i not push through starting with nothing at all"
twinkle I don't mean im scared he'll go mad i just didn't want to hurt his feelings by him thinking I reported him since i too was involved in the fight (if that makes sense). Knowing him he won't say anything to me when i tell him. He's back now but DS is with us so I'm not going to tell him for now.

Would you have been involved in the fight if he hadn't started it? No.

If someone attacks you are just going to stand there like a lemon and just let him? Aggressive behaviour when someone attacks you is normal, it's exactly what animals do when they're threatened.

Did he care about hurting your feelings then?

Self defence is perfectly acceptable when someone attacks you. You did not join in, you exercised your legal right to defend yourself. Please think carefully before telling your husband. Perhaps you should wait to see what the social worker advises tomorrow.

I dont know guys...there's been ma y times before when i lost it with him and ended up kicking doors or smacking him or pushing him. It wasn't just self defence because later on that noght when we were arguing i went to him and scratched his face In any case I'm honest and hopefully the SW will see that at the end of the day:
*I'm the one doing therapy to actively bring positive changes
*I spoke to the GP and asked for help
*I'm not playing the victim

I just told DH now and said ok he'll be home in time for the appt. He then asked why we have a SW appt and I said it was because of what happened. He has now gone into his typical "shutting down mode" =extreme silence
I hate it with a passion when he does that i feel so rejected

He's still talking to his friend about us going to his wedding on Sunday (which is where the argument started on Saturday) and he just bought a £1.3M house that we waited on having for so long...we get the keys next week It never felt right. When our offer was accepted i was not overwhelmed with joy at all. The house is amazing but i just kept thinking (ffff another place to make bad memories in)

My mum is coming over for 4days at the end of the month. Nobody in my family has any idea of what's going on except for my younger sister and i don't feel like telling them. I despise people feeling sorry for me and my mul for some reason allllways says the wrong thing...Can't even think about what things will be like when she comes but it just adds more stress. I really didn't wanna see her in the first place but now i really wish she would just stay home and leave me alone.

Anyways thanks guys for sticking to my thread Xxxx

I guarantee you op that it would be fuckin miserable in that house regardless of how much he paid for it.

My house without my bastard abusive ex in it is priceless.

I started with nothing but things have a way of working out.

I'm with someone now that treats me so well I never thought that would be possible.

I can't tell you go good it is lying on my couch now with a small mess in my kitchen knowing that my ex isn't going to start banging on about the mess in the kitchen. Of course he wasn't bothered about the kitchen, his real intention was to make me feel like I was a bad wife/mother. Oh god, I can't believe I put up with his shit for so long!!!!!

You will have a miserable life if you stay with him and will your little boy.

Just like you, he too will change his behaviour to please your husband and in time he will more than likely dread him walking through the door every evening.

It took me about a dozen attempts to leave but I did!!!!!

You can do this, you really can. I know that you are probably feeling overwhelmed with it all but the women's refuge will help you every step of the way and so will we xx

Bloody hell this is really happening isn't it???

I was wonderi g just earlier today whilst watching tv what it really feels like to be happy with somebody...i was watching eastenders and a coupke on there (Mick & Linda) just seemed too good and strong...i envy ppl who have this.

How was it when you first left. Were you in a refuge for long? Xx

I was only there for three days and I still went back and stayed for another three years!!!

It's so so hard to leave, it's the scariest thing I had ever done but the best thing for my children and I xx