Domestic abuse - Women's refuges

[bitbybitbybit]

I'm 6months pregnant and DH and I have an 18months old DS.

After 8yrs I can feel myself getting closer to the "finish line" My husband is an emotional abuser and a controlling individual...he was violent once 7yrs ago. Tonight he blew up in front of our son and slapped me grabbing my face to push me onto the sofa. I lost it got up and slapped him (he slapped me back whilst screaming at me) i took my son and went upstairs to stay away from DH and mostly reassure my baby. I feel so ashamed that not only this happened in front of DS but i was unable to keep my cool and escalated. This showed how much this relationship needs to be over. It was the 1st and I need it to be ths last time my son sees this.
Im after some advice on emergency (council) housing/ women's refuge. I'm scared to take the step. I've been thinking about it for years and i think i just need a final push to help me get over the fear of thos massove change.

I met him when i was 20 and him 35. I'm now 28. i graduated from Uni, got engaged amd planned the wedding. We fell pregnant straight after so I've not got any career to go back to. I've not got a penny to my name amd family and friends are abroad.

Please help! Where do I start and will we be okay???

Thanks for reading X

Yesterday I realised he'd stumbled across the books I've been reading about abusive men which probably hurt him

Alerted him to the need to escalate his behaviour to get you back under the cosh more like. His reaction was hardly that of a man confronted with his abusive behaviour and truly regrets it, was it? You're already in an incredibly vulnerable position and still he chose to assault you.

Don't threaten him with you leaving - the risk increases substantially as you get ready to leave. Just get yourself out and worry about everything else later.

Btw as you're married, even if he owned the house before you were met, as you have lived there during the marriage it will count as marital assets to be split on divorce. You will get some of the value of it eventually.

True! Tbh im not even yet thinking divorce at this stage i just need the strength to get out and then take it from there. Its hard for me to keep quite about what I do as it makes me feel shady. Over the yrs i realised he took advantage of this and if i do tell him im trying to leave he might try to stop me...i left once before 6yrs ago for only a week amd ge was all over me. Until i was back under his roof/rules silly fuckimg cow that i was pardon my french!

He'll do the same again which is why you shouldn't tell him you're leaving or where you're going.

Btw if at any stage you need an injunction (non mol order) having reported this incident to police will help with that too.

Fffff I'm feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. The lady from women's aid knew exactly what I was talking about.
For the first time somebody actually understood my side and for the first time i wasn't "misinterpreting" "misunderstanding" or being "ignorant" about things. It's scary how much better i feel when I'm away from him to be myself again. I almost forgot my strong headed and passionate nature which he managed to make me hate and supress.
X

i used to hit my ex back too, i think it's only natural that when a relationship escalates to violence that you defend yourself. I'm not sure why you need to mention it to the police though, the point is that he is stronger than you and he can cause injuries (and did). You are not a threat to him and I'm quite certain that your reaction is all due to the stress you are under. .

It also took me a while to get out (6 years) and i didn't manage it before my dc were old enough to have witnessed him attacking me.

I ignored the advice on here to be careful when leaving, with me it wasn't the leaving but a while after that I had the worst attack yet. So I am reiterating that you need to be careful, even though you think you can predict it perhaps, it's that one time that you can't that may end up being the most serious.

If you report it to the police they will inform social services, just so you know ,which would then make it essential that you leave and stay left. But that may be what you need to actually continue with it, as I also know how easy it is to go back. As long as you are out of the relationship all will be good.

I am a few months on now and I feel so much better just not living in that tension. I thought it would be awful, but it's tons better. And today my dd told me completely unprompted, how much better it was for her. It took me a while to get out of the feeling that everythign was a drama and stressful, but now, my life is very boring and therefore perfect!

Go now, while your little one is too young to help. You will be entitled to emergency housing from the council as well. You can do this. I can't tell you how much I recommend getting out of a relationship like this!!

The council should put you in a family hostel, or a women's refuge, which would be the best bet as you would get some support. It would be temporary and your son is young enough not to remember it or find it that difficult. It's the first step on the road to freedom and I bet you'll find it easier than living how you currently do. You won't be there forever, particularly as you own your house and can divorce him for a share of it.

Being free from all the planning and constant thinking was amazing for me once i had done it.

Once you've left I wonder if you could get an occupation order? I got a non mol and the judge seemed to think that I could have got an occupation order, I didn;t need to as he had left but the judge wasn't even that nice but still seemed to think I should have got one, and my attack didn't even leave any marks. Then you would;t need to leave your home.

I got enormous support from the local DV hub which brings together all the different agencies. In fact on the day that the attack happened, the manager of it was constantly on the phone to me as i went through the police and social services processes, she was absolutely amazing in explaining to me what would happen next.

There are a lot of people out there who can help you, try Victim Support and Mind, they both helped me (practically and emotionally).

I'm only a couple of months on , and I can tell you everything is far better

I think mentioning to the police she hit back would undermine his version of events, as he will likely say that she hit him first. Having already admitted to slapping him (after the assault had started) means she isn't having to change her story later.

I was really strong today and was working towards making this happen...maybe because its the wnd of the day and im tired but im begi4 to feel weak about it again.
I've read so many stories about so many of us who took years just like you willit. Its realllly realllly frustrating. It's like im going and then coming back (in my own messed up head and i literally wonder whether this will ever bloody stop!!!!! Maybe going through natural stages i don't know...or is it not normal??

You have a time imperative. It will be a hell of a lot easier to get out now than after the baby has arrived.

Get yourself to the police tomorrow, start taking steps.

A time imperative yes! I've had a time imperative for the past nearly 3 years.

When you're emotionally damaged sometimes it takes a lot ro achieve something any reasonable person wouldn't find daunting at all...I'm taking baby steps and it's scary as it is. Just the thought of leaving everything you've ever had and ever known. The only place you've really ever been able to call home however hellish that home might have been I'm taking baby steps.
I've packed my important documents.
Tomorrow i have my therapist appt
I'm booking a GP appt (they also have record of the incident that happened yrs ago)
Im going to pack an emergency bag.

���I'm going to try to go to my local council and apply for emergency/temporary housing��� i don't feel ready/strong/prepared for that im gonna be alone with my son in a place i don't know in an area i don't know with strangers talking to us etc...I'm panicking I'm panicking

Please go for your childrens same. My mum kept saying we would leave each time dad was violent but as the attacks got worse she got use to them and each time accepted and made excusses. She never got out.
Aside from the affects it had on me and my siblings at the time such as heavy drinking, selfharming etc as adult all my siblings have themselfs been in violent or ea relationships which they have struggled to end.

I live abroad away from family so understand it is hard but the support is there if you reach out for it. Go and start your real live.

Thank you purple for sgharing your experience with me and everyone here. It must have been so hard livong in those circumstances. I remember my mum saying to me before "i stayed for you guys" and she'd always criticise women who "take children away from their dads"...it was only recently that i decided she was judgmental and wrong. She has no idea what she put us through by staying in a bad marriage (dad wasn't violent very manipulative and extremely jealous and controlling). I started to think she'd been weak and she thinks we were better off seeing them unhappy.
Anyways it morivated me to do things differently. Im just worried that if i go to the police to report the crime they will contact him and so he'll know I've been to them. I was ok with reporting it to have a file recorded should it help me (court/benefits...). And somebody else said it would automatically involve social services...im worried he might use my severe depression against me to take my son he's seen how mad i get when i hit rock bottom. He might use it and all this coukd backfire. That's putting me off a bit (from making a statement i mean)
Do you guys know anyone else that has happened to?

Your depression may well improve once you are out of this situation, you mustn't worry that he will use it against you, see it as a positive, that life will be so much better, it really really will.

It might involve SS because he assaulted you when you were pregnant and that's a CP issue: however that is all to your benefit as SS will be on your side and support you to get away from him. SS would like to see children safely with the mother away from the abusive father.

Any depression you experience is likely to be a consequence of being in an abusive relationship.

The police will talk to him if you report it, if you're concerned for your safety as a consequence, then you should tell the police that, they will put you in their high priority list, so if you call then they will come straight away. You might also consider applying for an injunction.

You can get emergency injunctions for free via the www.ncdv.co.uk but you need an act of, or threat of violence, in the past 10 days to qualify (off the top of my head). So if you report the assault to police, off the back of that you should be able to apply for an emergency non-molestation order.

Something else you might try is googling your local Domestic Violence One Stop Shop, and see what services they have available in your area. They bring key agencies together and will be able to advise you on housing, safety and legal issues.

Do you trust him never to slap/push/hit you again?

Do you trust him never to escalate and slap/push your DS and/or new baby?

Do you trust him to be honest, loving, caring, supportive?

If you answered "No" to any of these questions then phone 101 and have the DV recorded. Then pursue the emergency options to give you your next step to your new, calmer, happier life.

Thanks for your msgs girls

F...ing hell i dont believe this!

So i went to talk to my GP about all this earlier who told me he had no choice but to report this situation to SS. Not great but it might be for the best. He wncouraged to call the police anonymously first and take it from there...
I had my emergency session with my therapist to talk about what happened. She started telling me that "oh do you really think it's better for you to leave at this stage? Do think your DS will really be happier staying in a B&B? " She then went on to ask whether I'd consider asking DH whether he'd consider couples therapy to help us keep together whilst working on our issues... I just told you the guy is an emotionally controlling creature and you pull the "is this really better for your son to live in temporary accommodation" card!!!! Im so annoyed and think the reason why that is is because it resonated. She said that as a response to me saying I could see my lo looking at me being frightened and i couldn't reassure him...she was basically telling me that being in a refuge might be too stressful at this stage etc.
Meanwhile my GP encouraged me to go to a refuge for a few weeks as a "cooling off period" kinda thing...
I know the decision is entirely mine ultimately but nobody is telling me the same thing so im really at a loss right now.
My sister wasnt even bothered when i told her what happened. I used to tell her everything about my marital issues and she kind of txting me the day after the assault to say "sorry bout last night i fell asleep. how are things today?" I didn't even reapond because i could tell by her the few msgs we exchanged before she fell asleep that she wasn't too bothered.

Im.very sorry for this rant i think im hust going througj some phases about this syressful messy situation. Today i seem to be angry at the very people who are trying to help me because o myself have no idea what to do.

I'm calling the refuge now to see what thwy have to offer.

You need to ditch the therapist because she has no idea what she is doing.

First of all: couples' counselling is never recommended in abusive relationships full stop. She should know that.

Secondly: she completely failed to grasp the child protection issue, which to his credit, your GP did immediately.

DS and your baby need to be away from a violent man full stop. No-one, least of all your therapist, has any idea what he will do next.

I have heard of some shit therapists, but I have never heard of one who recommended a woman stayed with an abusive man she was gearing up to leave, and failing to consider the safety of your children.

So, it's simple: your GP, everyone on here and WA, all tell you to leave asap. Whether you can get a place in a refuge or go into emergency accommodation.

And I would suggest when you next speak to WA, ask them for one of their list of therapists who specialise in abuse.

Yeah twinkle my thoughts exactly on the child protection abuse...
I had emailed her asking for an emergency session. In the email i wrote "DH went out of control because I insulted him (without knowing  he'd  heard me) he jumped off the sofa screaming at me and i told him to look at his son. He looked at me and grabbed my jaws to push me onto the sofa. That triggered everything so I got up and told him never to do that again and I slapped him strongly (he slapped me back)...all the while I saw DS looking at me scared! " and at today's sesaion she said "I wonder why you'd want to report this to the police as you were the one who hit him first..." I had just explained verbally on top of the email what had happened and she turned around and said to me you hit him 1st. NO i didn't. I did slap him and even scratched his face but i tried to convince him to stop and he came for me...
I found my local refuge info center but they closed before i managed to call. I called the police anonymously to talk about the incodent and so they advised me they would need to see me in person. I said to them i had no issue doing this but didn't want DH to know i reported it...they couldn't confirm this wouldn't happened but I took my local station's address anyways. I'm not planning to go with DS so waiting on my nanny to return to work...the worst week for her to be off as it is.
Xxx

Honestly, never see her again. Apart from being shit she didn't even listen to what you said!

If you can get a place in a refuge there will be therapists there.

Are you sure? In every refuges?
Ummmm i dont think i wamt to see her again, last week i paid for 10 weeks in advance...just my luck! So far she's been very flexible with me so I'll ask her if i can get my money back since i really am going to need it more than ever now (rather than tell her it's truly because she was rubbish)

Sorry I wrote that post really fast and it's misleading, I don't mean there will be a therapist at the refuge, but there will be access to therapists there.

And all the workers have specialist training to support women (and children).

Oh right i see. Sounds good still. Xx

You need to report it to police, ss will be involved as children in the home. It was a big plus point for me in their view that I had reported it to police and got a non mol. Now that the gp will make a referral its in your interest to report it and leave ASAP. Talk to women aid, they will advise you to leave because of the referral.

If you want to get the non-mol free (through the NCDV) you need to apply within 10 days of the incident (and also report it to the police, you will need that too).