Not sure how much more I am supposed to have to put up with. A bit long... sorry.

[Nothavingfunrightnow]

If we split up, DS will be devastated beyond repair. He is 9 and adores his father. We have been married for 13 years - had some ups and downs but the downs are getting worse and worse.

DH constantly needs reminding and prodding to get things done. It has reached the point where we are paying back child tax credits because he did not get his tax return done in time one year and I had underestimated or overestimated (cannot work it out) and the upshot is we are paying and paying and fucking paying.

The current situation is that he wants to buy a laptop, but I want to wait til the end of the month. He has behaved like this before where he has thrown his toys so badly about wanting something that I have given in and agreed reluctantly. I am still paying for the last thing that he bought under those circumstances about 2 years ago.

We CAN get a laptop in about 3 weeks time when I am next paid (he is also in full time employment but it would be a fucking squeeze to get it now).

So the upshot is that he has called up a whole load of things from the past as he usually does and has told me to cancel some friends coming over tonight for dinner. This was said coupled with a threat to the effect that if I did not cancel, then I would really see what a cunt he could be. His words. Not mine.

So if I cancel, I am giving in to his threats, but if I don't cancel I run the risk of embarrassing my friends and having a fucking shit time anyway.

He has gone out with DS without saying a word to me. I had said earlier that I won't cancel friends coming over.

The relationship is just goddam shit. There is no sex and has not been for months. If I look back over the past 3 years or so the only time we have had sex is if I initiated it. Aside from there, he is in such a financial bind and blames it on me for having changed jobs some time ago.

Fuck. It is all a mess and if it were not for our child I would leave him.

Anyone able to talk me through this? Everyone thinks he is this lovely, friendly man.

Let him do his worst tonight. Everyone thinks he's nice? They won't after tonight.

What can he do? Insult you? That will make him look abusive? Ignore you? That will make him look abusive.

Tell him to fucking well grow up - he's the reason he can't have his laptop now, not you.

Do you really want friends round now, though? Could you go to a friend's tonight instead?

You said if you didn't have a child you would leave...for that very reasonyou should leave.

Your son will still be able to adore his father without you having to continue in a miserable relationship. Two happy parents apart are better than two resentful angry bitter ones together.

Personally I would see if it's possible to change to going out for food with your friends tonight, instead of having them over. And then tomorrow make plans to split.

Now this is the kind of situation I tend to go "Bring it on, bitch" for, because I quite like watching wankbadgers humiliate themselves.

So I'd wait until he does/says something completely cuntish, and then say "I'm so sorry Bob and Julia, I'm afraid Fuckwit said he was planning to be a massive cunt tonight as he's cross that I won't buy him a laptop right now, instead of at the end of this month. Anyway... coffee?"

Then on Monday, contact a solicitor. Yes your DS will be upset, no it won't be beyond repair. Millions of kids grow up with parents who are living apart. It's better to be from a broken home than living in one.

Thanks, everyone. Trying not to give out too much identifying info, but it is just one friend and the friend is supposed to be staying over. I would hate put said friend in the middle of a "situation"!

Get your friends around. Don't give in to blackmail.

Leave him. Just do it. There's nothing there and the longer you stay the worse it will become. You think it's bad now? That's nothing once the respect and care has gone. You think you're holding your family together by staying. You're not, you're just forcing your child to witness a dysfunctional, unhappy relationship.

I am not trying to argue for reasons for staying, but there ARE times when it is good! We had a wonderful weekend last weekend. Such a good time. When does it become too much? HOW do you know it's time to leave?

Who is the main earner here? If not you, why are you paying for any of his stuff? Do you know where his money is going? It's a fair guess that if you are paying back tax credits, you larely underestimated how much you both earn, so does that mean he's not admitting to you how much he's getting? Coupled with lack of interest in sex and his general treatment I think you need to bewhare there is not more to this.

Are these good friends of yours? If so I would continue with the invite and let him know that he is responsible for his own behaviour and it doesn't reflect on you.You could warn friends that he's in a grumpy mood..no harm in letting real friends see a glimpse of reality.

Conflict resolution is such a key skill in a relationship and it seems he is turning this into a power struggle.Money is a major area for potential conflict and on its own could be resolved however it seems you and him have disconnected from each other for some time.

Are there any good parts to your relationship?

Smorgasboard, we are no longer getting tax credits and we earn just about the same - him a bit more than me. He is SHIT with money. SHIT!

We had agreed both to put money towards the laptop as a joint birthday present. Birthdays are in same month, a few days apart.

I don't think there is anything untoward going on, but I do believe that he is suffering from depression - this is not a mean of making excuses for him. He has been in tears many a time about the financial shit we're in.

that's what upsets me more. We have things that we are behind in yet he wants to pay out more money for stuff we don't really need. Yes, it would be great to have it, but we dont' need a goddam laptop.

Is this laptop necessary? Is it worth giving someone hell over? It's insignificant. Time your DH saw the wood for the trees. Its his materialism that is causing the financial mess. a calm chat about the serious state of your relationship is needed. Does he know you have thoughts of leaving? Stacked up against a mere laptop, it seems ludicrous that he is spitting the dummy that when there are far bigger life-changing things he should be worried about. Has he any idea? If not he needs to be told in a frank discussion, he's focusing his angst and fury at the wrong thing.

Does he accept its his mess or look for blame elsewhere? If he's in denial and blaming you or other circumstances then it will always be hard to get him to see that its him that needs to change. Right now he's blaming you from what I can see, and that is so not on.

I suspect he behaves like a fuckwad sometimes because he would like out the marriage but cannot bring himself to do it. I used to do divorce law a long time ago. So often it was the woman bringing the action because the man made their lives so intolerable that they were left with no choice. Not all men, mind, just some.

Yes, he blames me for a lot of shit. says that my drop in income is the cause of his financial difficulties. Without going into detail, that is not the sole reason. not by a long way.

Likewise, its up to him to seek help for his depression. If he won't do that either, you need to warn him of serious consequences - then carry them out for your own sake as he will drag you down further the longer nothing changes.

Be the strong on then, have it out with him. You can only work out who wants out by asking each other and talking about it. Having it out in the open can be less scary than living in fear of a possible end, and in some cases can lead to fixing things. If you can bring it up calmly when not arguing over something at the time, you may make more headway.

Some nice times really don't make up for all this shit. Honestly. You're not happy, he drags you down, he's a bully and a twat. Your child will be fine.

Could you ask him if he wants to live like this? What does he really want in life - a laptop? Or things to be better? More like last weekend, or happy like that but in a different way?

If you don't want to bring your friend into the situation, don't - cancel and arrange to meet up outside the house another time. But do bear in mind that your child is in that situation all the time, not just visiting for one evening.

I know this won't help with his attitude but if you're wanting to stay with him and sort out financials them could a prescriptive budget help? So, money all comes in (joint or separate accounts) standing orders are taken into a separate account which has all bills on dd and a charge card for groceries, things for DS etc. Finally, a separate standing order allocates each of you some 'fun money' that is truly left over for buying/saving for laptops etc? Might sound a bit crazy but it could just help reign his spending in.
Just an idea if leaving him isn't really an option you are willing to take.

He's an irresponsible and selfish arsehole with a massive sense of entitlement. And those qualities will be the ruin of both of you. Your child will be standing in the wreckage of it if they aren't already.

Any cunt who made the sorts of threats that yours just has would be shown the bloody door.

Like a previous poster has observed, being from a broken home is infinitely more preferable than being in one.

It is exactly because you have a child you should leave him.

About the money aspect, we have tried joint accounts etc. He now has a debt management programme set up and is paying off a county court judgement. He still has to make arrangements to pay off last tax year's tax... yet he wants a fucking laptop NOW.

Let him have his tantrum in front of your friends; it's no reflection on you. They will be first hand witnesses on what a wanker he is and it will be easy for them to support you when you leave him.