Not sure how much more I am supposed to have to put up with. A bit long... sorry.

[Nothavingfunrightnow]

If we split up, DS will be devastated beyond repair. He is 9 and adores his father. We have been married for 13 years - had some ups and downs but the downs are getting worse and worse.

DH constantly needs reminding and prodding to get things done. It has reached the point where we are paying back child tax credits because he did not get his tax return done in time one year and I had underestimated or overestimated (cannot work it out) and the upshot is we are paying and paying and fucking paying.

The current situation is that he wants to buy a laptop, but I want to wait til the end of the month. He has behaved like this before where he has thrown his toys so badly about wanting something that I have given in and agreed reluctantly. I am still paying for the last thing that he bought under those circumstances about 2 years ago.

We CAN get a laptop in about 3 weeks time when I am next paid (he is also in full time employment but it would be a fucking squeeze to get it now).

So the upshot is that he has called up a whole load of things from the past as he usually does and has told me to cancel some friends coming over tonight for dinner. This was said coupled with a threat to the effect that if I did not cancel, then I would really see what a cunt he could be. His words. Not mine.

So if I cancel, I am giving in to his threats, but if I don't cancel I run the risk of embarrassing my friends and having a fucking shit time anyway.

He has gone out with DS without saying a word to me. I had said earlier that I won't cancel friends coming over.

The relationship is just goddam shit. There is no sex and has not been for months. If I look back over the past 3 years or so the only time we have had sex is if I initiated it. Aside from there, he is in such a financial bind and blames it on me for having changed jobs some time ago.

Fuck. It is all a mess and if it were not for our child I would leave him.

Anyone able to talk me through this? Everyone thinks he is this lovely, friendly man.

Don't be scared - I don't usually post on this board as I don't feel I have anything to offer, but in the last couple of weeks a friend of mine has been dealing with the exact same kind of thing from her DH. She has put up with it for years because of the DC, but my God. What he wants, he gets. Or he bullies her until he does. She takes money out of her own small business to finance it. He goes in and out jobs, fails to manage his money and she puts up with because of the DC. Heartbreaking to watch.

Don't continue in this relationship. It can't get better until he recognises what he does and takes responsibility for it. And I think you have to leave so that he can do that. In some ways, you leaving is the best thing you can do for him.

It'll be hard. You'll have moments of extreme doubt about how'll you manage, but like my name (created in a time of extreme personal turmoil) get your chin up, stick your chest out and get started on planning how to move on in your life. You already have a list from Allguns - could you use that as a personal starting point?

Thanks, everyone.

I have just told the friend who was supposed to come over, what I have been putting up with for a few years. No one really knows. Yes, I have a whinge every now and then, but no one really knows what a bully he is and how childishly he behaves.

Chinupchestout, thanks for your story about your friend. My H is not quite that bad! He works v hard, though like a PP said, he is of the type that feels entitled to a certain way of living. He also questions why he is not wealthy like others and why all his friends own houses but we don't. At least we do not have a mortgage to sort.

DS and I could live in a flat - that would be fine for us.

If you don't have a mortgage then you're in a good position to split, and it sounds like your finances will be far more stable without this entitled sack of shit.

I know how hard it is to press the button on ending the relationship. But it's very obvious from where I'm sitting that he's going to keep on being more and more cunty until you do.

I have no idea why men do this but its extremely unpleasant and cowardly. And as you've observed, it's far more common in men than women.

Stiff upper lip. You can do this.

Given that there's no mortgage, it makes leaving, whilst a huge deal, emotionally, a lot more straightforward, financially.

I would put the 'laptop money' towards a deposit on a flat. Comparably, I would say that was money well spent, wouldn't you?

You can do it.

Forgot to say: to the outside world my ex was an affable, friendly, committed, family man. Behind closed doors he was a useless, unimaginitive, inadequate father and shit/angry/inept/entitled husband.

You can rewrite the script of your marriage in the weeks/months to come. Well done for opening up to your friend - such a massive first step. The more you open up about the truth, the more strength you will gain.

You deserve to grow in strength from the support of your friends, because you get sweet FA from your h and you've probably forgotten you deserve it.

I hope he isn't being too unpleasant today, OP.

He has hardly said a word to me, Handy. The house is silent apart from the odd chit chat. No mention of his dreadful behaviour last night and certainly no apology.

He has a letter from HMRC he has to reply to so I reminded him About it. That's the extent of the interaction.

A few weeks ago he kept on putting off calling a creditor about the CCJ. It reached the point where I told him if the bailiffs arrive at our door, that would be the end of our marraige. I know he finds these things hard but he puts his head in the sand. I cannot do everything.