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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure how much more I am supposed to have to put up with. A bit long... sorry.

56 replies

Nothavingfunrightnow · 09/05/2015 13:11

If we split up, DS will be devastated beyond repair. He is 9 and adores his father. We have been married for 13 years - had some ups and downs but the downs are getting worse and worse.

DH constantly needs reminding and prodding to get things done. It has reached the point where we are paying back child tax credits because he did not get his tax return done in time one year and I had underestimated or overestimated (cannot work it out) and the upshot is we are paying and paying and fucking paying.

The current situation is that he wants to buy a laptop, but I want to wait til the end of the month. He has behaved like this before where he has thrown his toys so badly about wanting something that I have given in and agreed reluctantly. I am still paying for the last thing that he bought under those circumstances about 2 years ago.

We CAN get a laptop in about 3 weeks time when I am next paid (he is also in full time employment but it would be a fucking squeeze to get it now).

So the upshot is that he has called up a whole load of things from the past as he usually does and has told me to cancel some friends coming over tonight for dinner. This was said coupled with a threat to the effect that if I did not cancel, then I would really see what a cunt he could be. His words. Not mine.

So if I cancel, I am giving in to his threats, but if I don't cancel I run the risk of embarrassing my friends and having a fucking shit time anyway.

He has gone out with DS without saying a word to me. I had said earlier that I won't cancel friends coming over.

The relationship is just goddam shit. There is no sex and has not been for months. If I look back over the past 3 years or so the only time we have had sex is if I initiated it. Aside from there, he is in such a financial bind and blames it on me for having changed jobs some time ago.

Fuck. It is all a mess and if it were not for our child I would leave him.

Anyone able to talk me through this? Everyone thinks he is this lovely, friendly man.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 09/05/2015 14:11

I was married to a Manchild like this. In the week I kicked him out, he threw a major tantrum about buying a sofa we could not afford. Then the same day announced we desperately needed a bureau (I know, go figure.....) that was the point where I went 'ok, you are mental'. And left.

OP, if it's not the laptop, it will be something else. He clearly cannot see the link between his actions and his financial position. Ergo, he still has some growing up to do. This (along with the moods, verbal abuse and tantrums) isn't fair on you and the stress is intolerable. I'll put money on the fact that he is like this no infrequently: it erodes the love.

The time to leave is now. You'll feel a lot less stressed if you call time on it all.

Viviennemary · 09/05/2015 14:16

He's spending beyond his means. Stop subsidising him. Put your money into a separate account. If he has no money he doesn't eat.

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 09/05/2015 14:17

There is no doubt whatsoever that he is a Manchild. Through and through.

I started typing up a list of examples. I ran out of space...

OP posts:
Handywoman · 09/05/2015 14:22

If a CCJ isn't a wake-up call, then this is not salvageable, surely.

It's not even about the purchases, it's the entitled attitude and childish, manipulative behaviour, coupled with the lack of respect for you.

There's nothing to save, surely.

Momagain1 · 09/05/2015 14:22

His money is committed to a repayment plan that he hasnt even completely arranged, but he wants a laptop NOW and you should hand over the funds. The current situation is you buy him a laptop or will behave like a spoilt child in front of your expected overnight guest or else you will be the bitch that contacts the guest to tell them of this massive inconvenience. (Plus, you already are willing to arrange for him to have a laptop, in a few weeks, despite the lack of need.)

Sorry, he needs to go.

CapnMurica · 09/05/2015 14:24

Your DS will not be devastated beyond repair. He really won't.

Handywoman · 09/05/2015 14:24

There's so much about your post that I recognise, OP. PM me if you want.

I can recommend the book 'too good to leave, too bad to stay'. You can get it on Kindle.

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 09/05/2015 14:37

Handywoman, PMd you.

OP posts:
Allgunsblazing · 09/05/2015 14:51

I recognise an awful lot of what you're going through, OP.

I am now at the point where I am putting my 'ducks' in a row ;)

I like lists. I made some. I am crossing each line as I go along. I am meticulously untying every single tie. Some might turn into pretty bows, some into ropes around my ankles. I am taking my time. :)

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 09/05/2015 14:56

That untying is hard. How do you do that? There is so much untangling to be done if it had to come to that.

OP posts:
Allgunsblazing · 09/05/2015 15:30

Bank accounts
Savings (put in DC name, nothing to split there)
Car insurance
Paperwork
Mortgage in sole name
Passports
Bills
Holidays
Credit rate
Extra shifts (money for rainy days)
Rally friends around
Keeping fit
A plan career wise
A realistic goal re sharing residence

I am learning. It's not easy. No idea about living on my own, never did. Feels weird. But I am protecting my child most and foremost.

woowoo22 · 09/05/2015 15:31

Agree with Handywoman's post. Been there.

Have less income now but more dosh as he's not here to waste it on unneccessary shit. LTB.

Handywoman · 09/05/2015 15:37

Allguns good for you.

OP don't worry about the untying, the practicalities all have a way of sorting themselves, and can be done bit by bit.

If your h agrees fairly quickly how assets are to be split (see a solicitor first though) you could have it done fairly painlessly and quickly.

In my case the upside of being married to an inept man was that, when it came to separating, he didn't really know what he was entitled to (he couldn't quite get it together to take legal advice).

Depends how you think he'll react. But don't let this deter you: this must be done while you are still young enough to secure an independent future. Good luck OP.

Manic3mum · 09/05/2015 15:41

Wow he sounds like a catch Hmm get out of there! You will be so relieved when you do and afterwards you can look back and be amazed at the shit you put up with!

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 09/05/2015 17:08

He is back home now after having taken DS out . He says he does not want said friend over and if I wanted to be a shit, then so could he. He then said it was going to go downhill from here. That is the 3rd threat from him in 9 days.

I have had enough and am starting the "mental detachment" a PP mentioned.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/05/2015 17:22

What happens when you ask him a reasonable question such as "why do you want to get into more debt by not waiting 3 weeks to buy something we don't actually "need"?"

TBH let the friend come over and go out for the evening Wink

RandomMess · 09/05/2015 17:23

When friend turns up I would tell them why you are going out in front of dh as well!

Handywoman · 09/05/2015 17:40

His behaviour is appalling, OP. He feels so utter contempt towards you. And is deluded about 'what's rightfully his'. Your existence is all about what he can get from you (holding a grudge about a previous job of yours tells it like it is). He is sucking all the life out of you as well as the money. Your mental health will be next.

If your friend is meant to be staying over - do you have a spare room? I would be moving into it to help me stay sane and allow me a clear head, and some space from which to mentally detach.

Please spend the evening out with your friend. Don't give him the satisfaction of believing he can sabotage your happiness, a moment longer.

Thanks for you.

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 09/05/2015 18:14

The friend is probably my best ever so I told him what was going on today. Friend understandably decided not to come over. It is a long train journey for hum and he would have to stay over. (My friend is male and gay, which previously caused difficulties but my H has come to care for him a lot. Friend and H get on like a house on fire)

Husband is already in the spare room because he snores so loudly that he keeps me awake. He blames me, of course.., not for his snoring but for having separate rooms. He has used this as the reason for not having sex, but if he wanted to shag, he would. I am not stupid.

Jesus Christ. I have fucking had enough. He does not even like me.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 09/05/2015 18:31

Your DS will be fine when you split.
He will spend quality time with you and quality time with his Dad and he will be living in a happy house with you.

Children pick up on tension, even if there isn't shouting, they can sense the atmosphere as most of us can.

A friend split with her husband when the DCs were 10 and 12. They have memories of lots of shouting and rows, but in fact there was no shouting or rows because they hardly spoke to each other. The DH wouldn't communicate at all - he spent years blanking her.
The children's brains have translated that atmosphere into rows.

Blueskybrightstar · 10/05/2015 10:08

Life is too short to be with someone that drags you down so badly (financially, emotionally, sexually). He's just a rude, angry schlob who adds nothing but hassle and misery to your life, and you and your DS deserve way better! Defo agree that its time to show this guy the door.

Original poster
Nothavingfunrightnow · 10/05/2015 11:37

Aside from saying good morning, he has not said a word to me today.

Usually when he behaves so horribly, he calms down and eventually apologizes.

Time to call it a day, I think. I am scared, though.

OP posts:
Horsemad · 10/05/2015 12:10

Don't be scared, be MAD and start planning.

FantasticButtocks · 10/05/2015 12:16

You don't have to put up with this any more, you are right Tis time to call it a day and give yourself a chance at a decent life Thanks

PenelopePitstops · 10/05/2015 12:22

Wishing you all the best Flowers

Hopefully you can get rid of ds for a few hours today to talk to dh and hatch a split up plan. You don't deserve any of this and your ds deserves 2 happy parents whether together or apart.