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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My reaction to flowers from Dh to my work. Am I wrong?

96 replies

DragonsCanHop · 08/05/2015 23:26

We have been married for over a decade and he has never sent me flowers to my work or given me flowers full stop really.

We have had a horrible 2 years - read - me finding an EA and then me trying to recover from it and us getting back on track.

For the last year we are ok and both getting on with it, I refused to do the pick me dance and things haven't been easy but we are talking now things have been normal, every day for ages now.

I work in a largely male environment, have for 2 years. I receive the odd thank you gift from team members and clients here and there, nothing special.

Today a huge bunch of flowers arrives, they were in a glass vase and everything, really lovely. They had my name on them as the recipient but the card was blank, ie I had no idea who they were from and I don't help people who can afford thank you gifts this size.

I called the flower company (it's a company we use and they know me) they told me the card was left blank to keep me guessing"

I called my DH twice with no answer and text him "did you send me flowers??" I didn't think for one moment that it was him, he never shows me any emotion.

The keep you guessing comment creeped me out tbh and after a chat at work about not knowing who had sent me a gorgeous vase of flowers I decided to leave them at work because tbh I didn't know who had sent them and why not leave a message.

I'm not the type of women people send lovely flowers to.

DH eventually replied after I had left the flowers at work and they were from him.

He is pissed I left them at work

I'm bemused at the non message

Apparently he asked his PA to order them and didn't want to realay a message of love to her but expected she would add his name.

I ant believe I'm being moaned at for not bringing them home with a blank card. Wwyd?

OP posts:

ParkingFred · 09/05/2015 13:27

Sending flower to work not home is not weird.

If my dh is away on business, he sends me flowers to say he's missing me or whatever. He sends them to work because I am not at home!

educationforlife · 09/05/2015 13:32

Mind you, I don't much like it when dh sends me flowers to work - bit embarassing. I put them straight in my car so no-one sees apart from the receptionists.
So not
a nice gesture then ...

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 09/05/2015 13:34

justonemoretime that is exactly what we have done.

I don't think there was any malous in him sending them, just a miss understanding about the message and what the florist said.

OP posts:

HolgerDanske · 09/05/2015 14:28

I got flowers sent to my home from my partner on my birthday once, they did come with a card but it wasn't signed and had been written in a really teenage looking hand by whoever took the order at the shop, it freaked me out too. Couldn't figure out who on earth they could be from. I was very relieved when it turned out they were from him. But at least he'd actually taken the time to choose them himself. It's not thoughtful and lovely if it's just been delegated to the. PA like another work chore. And he wasn't offended when it turned out that his thoughtful gesture was misinterpreted by me. We laugh about it now.

His attitude isn't nice. He really can't see why you might not have wanted to take a random bunch of flowers home?

As an aside, it really really pisses me off when people expect fall-down gratitude for a bunch of flowers when they could just help out a bit more at home (or whatever the case may be) - it's not lovely when it comes with that horrible expectation that it will shut you up.

kittybiscuits · 09/05/2015 14:32

It rings bells for me for passive aggressive behaviour - not sure if someone mentioned this upthread because I have been to sleep since I read it. Anyway...he did something you would like, with a slight twist to make sure you didn't enjoy it, and then he moans that he can't get it right. I wouldn't be happy. Nice gesture - shitty sting in the tale. Is this a pattern?

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 09/05/2015 15:03

No, not a pattern.

He does a fair share of home related stuff, runs the DC here and there and everything like that.

Just not sure why the random flowers, no arguments or anything. I asked him why he sent them and he said he thought it would be a nice thing to do. I'm not bothered by his PA ordering them, they are lovely and no, he wasn't having an EA with the PA!

OP posts:

LovesPeace · 09/05/2015 15:51

The thing about flowers like this is that there is no real effort involved - he didn't have to pick them, struggle to save up for them or do anything at all, not even get off his arse.

I'm probably tainted by a relationship a few years ago - he'd send flowers to work and everyone op would tell me how romantic he was, how lucky I was. Truth was he was a nasty, selfish, lazy piece of work.

Helen1966 · 09/05/2015 16:11

Ditto what stitchintime says. Be gracious and thank him for them.

Seems to be some miscommunication going on between you.

By the way, what is an EA, I can't find it on the acronyms page.

Dowser · 09/05/2015 16:34

Emotional affair . Not full blown sexual one.

Dowser · 09/05/2015 16:37

Hink he'll have to put this one down to experience Op

Hopefully where you ok is cool and when you lug them home on monday they are just coming nicely into bloom ;-)

OhMittens · 09/05/2015 16:38

Helen EA = Extramarital Affair.

I wouldn't care if my DH got the PA to organise the flowers. It was still his thought and his wish for me to receive them. I wouldn't think it was lazy. My DH has his own company and works reaaaallly hard so any gesture is good. :-)

Dowser · 09/05/2015 16:38

Gawd typos or what
Think
Work!!!

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 09/05/2015 16:50

EA = emotional affair. I found too many text messages to a work collegue (I know her) nothing to flirt, nothing sexual but he was telling her things he wasn't telling me.

That is all sorted now and has been for a year.

Like Dowser I'm not fussed about his PA ordering them, he spends most of his days in meetings etc it was a nice thought and a massive suprise. I only wish his name had been put on the card!

OP posts:

sakura · 09/05/2015 17:22

So he set you up to shoot you down.
He found an excuse to be pissed off with you This time his excuse is you left the flowers in work...
And that you weren't sure they were from him...

He is fucking with your mind.

Oh and also, he might be gaining pleasure from being known as the type of man who sends flowers to his wife. My ex used to love doing this. He'd get coos and aaahs from shop assistants as he played the wonderful husband. You might think nobody could be that shallow as to care what shop assistants think of them, but people with narc traits do. The paradox is they never seem to give a shit what their wife thinks of them.

kittensinmydinner · 09/05/2015 17:26

Iwishiwassarah ??Really ? I get flowers because my dh knows I like them. He also buys lovely ad hoc presents, I always thought it was because he loves me and likes to do kind things to make me smile. I now find its been over a decade of passive aggressive 'shut up and get back in your box' techniques to keep me in my place. Thanks for putting me straight, my antenna has been way off. Must remember to LTB next time a bunch of tulips are proffered.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 09/05/2015 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minus2seventy3 · 09/05/2015 17:46

Sakura, really?! Bit of a jump to assume he did this all deliberately to fuck with OP's mind, surely?
OP has said herself in an update that they've had a normal day, everything's cool now.
Some proper projecting going on in this thread. How is it support for the OP with everyone slating her husband, asking her to question her relationship and his (current - two year past EA is exactly that: past) integrity, based on naff all evidence?
OP, enjoy the rest of your weekend, this thread's gone bonkers.

StrawberryMojito · 09/05/2015 18:00

Op don't be too swayed by people on here. Your Dh did a nice thing. If I had a pay because I was so busy, I would definitely use her to buy flowers. The idea and sentiment would still be mine. Shame it didn't quite work out.

kittensinmydinner · 09/05/2015 18:05

'Men who get there PA to send flowers are incredibly old fashioned and emotionally disengaged...' So when I (wife) say to my admin assistant ' I have back to back meetings all afternoon, but really want to surprise dh with tickets to ...play that he really wants to see, could you possibly see if you can find two tickets for tonight' .. That's manipulative passive aggressive behaviour ? Or is it (in the real world) someone thinking of there OH in the midst of mayhem ? Would it be better to just not bother ? Btw AA is male .

AyMamita · 09/05/2015 21:09

I used to be a PA and often did things like order flowers on behalf of both male and female bosses. I wouldn't have sent them with a blank card unless I'd been specifically told to do that! Even the most sociopath banker type can manage "with love from Bob" or "thank you for a wonderful weekend, Bob" etc.

sakura · 09/05/2015 23:12

Minus, of course it's entirely possible that this was completely innocuous. The OP's husband was being innocent and thoughtful...

The OP suspected not, however. At first, she was confused and thrown off balance. Are we to say that she is not to trust her instinct and judgement? You are on very shaky ground when you say that about women.

Let's hope this blank card, "why didn't you bring them home?" "why didn't you know they were from me?" strange situation really is a innocent as you presume.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 09/05/2015 23:24

It would have been a nice gesture, if he hadn't then got suspicious that you didn't bring them home. Why would you necessarily bring flowers delivered to work home with you?

I think this is all very odd, because it didn't end with him happy you got the flowers after a slight misunderstanding along the way, but with him cross/suspicious about your behaviour.

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 09/05/2015 23:27

I hate to agree with you sakura but I was shaken and thrown off balance because receiving flowers with a blank card made me think of people I have helped that may send me flowers and think "keep her guessing" would be funny. (It's not funny, it's weird)

DH replied to my text after I had left them at work, I left them because they made me feel weird. His text read pissed off and he then said I thought some one else had sent them.

I've done nothing wrong here and we are fine again but the point now is he thinks I thought someone else sent them and I think he did a nice thing and it went a bit wrong but all sorted now.

OP posts:

Jackw · 09/05/2015 23:33

Not to derail, but isn't it wrong to use a business PA to do personal stuff like sending flowers and ordering tickets etc? They're not your bloody servants.

Original poster

DragonsCanHop · 09/05/2015 23:33

the my texts were so light hearted after he replied yes. I sent smiley and crying faces telling him the no message frieaked me out and I had left them at work because I didn't know who they were from.

That is when he turned and was very much "waste of my effort" (I know, I know) and shouldn't have bothered etc

Sigh

OP posts:

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