Please give me your reaction to this scenario

[TwirlyShoePoo]

I've nc and I don't want to give any other background at the moment as I just want it know if my feelings on something that happened are out of proportion or not.

At best friends wedding (as bridesmaid). Lovely day. DH gets very drunk in evening (most people tipsy and he's not only v drunk person).

Later in evening DH keeps alluding to fact we will have sex in the hotel room later.

Then keeps on coming over and grabbing me in the crotch (from the front!) on the dance floor. I keep pushing him off hoping no one has seen. He does this around half a dozen times, roughly so it actually hurts a bit.

I go to the hotel room to get away and sober up a bit as feeling really upset and pissed off as I want to have a good time with my friends.

DH comes up, wants to have sex. When I say no way due to his behaviour, calls me a fucking bitch.

I leave and avoid him for most of night. He passes out. In morning can't remember what he's done.

I can give more background info in a bit but I'm interested to people's reaction to this incident on its own.

Thanks.

I'd never really thought about that AF.

I think his mum knows to a certain extent (well she's seen some of it first hand when we were all together). But I feel Bad for her as his siblings also have alcohol issues and I know she worries (she is a truly lovely MIL as well to make it ever harder!). So his sibling probably also know but not the extent of what he's like to me.

My friends. Not sure. Unfortunately we all worked in an industry where stupid drinking was the norm/funny. Nobody sees what he's like at home. But maybe you are right and it wouldn't come as so much of a shock.

But he's still my kids dad, I don't want everyone to think he's a twat!

I would love an amicable break up where we both move on and do what's best for the kids.

Is that a really ridiculous hope?! I just can't imagine him being at all kind in the event if me saying we are splitting

You don't need to tell them the details, just say it's alcohol & gambling.

Why feel guilty that his addiction is more important to him than you & the dc? He'll get his house back - you don't have to take 50% when you divide it up but what £ he gives will be a fraction of what it would cost for him to pay a nanny & housekeeper & babysitter when he is absolved of 90% of day to day and overnight childcare responsibilities.

OP, it will be horrible for your children to grow up with an alcoholic parent so do it for the children

But I mainly wanted to say that you should find an Al-Anon group, they are excellent in supporting the families of alcoholics and teaching you how not to enable him.

Okay - you don't want "everyone " to think he's a twat because he is the DCs dad.

But he is a twat and most likely an alcoholic. By keeping this truth of how he is behaving secret to protect his reputation the people you are not protecting are you and your children.

If he doesn't want to be seen as a tat - then he should not drink and act/speak in this way.

harsh sorry

Don't underestimate the effect his drinking will have on your children. Secrets and lies around alcoholism are intensely damaging. Best be honest and refuse to cover for him. He is an abusive alcoholic
End of. Get out.

Twirly how awful. Alarm bells ringing for me I'm afraid. Ex dh started out being verbally abusive, then graduated to pushing, hitting and eventual sexual assault. Not saying this would happen with your dh but I would definitely be developing an exit strategy if I were you. It isn't normal behavior and I ignored it fir far too long. I'm remarried now and dh would never do anything like this no matter how drunk he was - the stark contrast makes me realise how wrong it all was. Good luck to you xxx

P.s if you do choose to leave it will be really really tough but you WILL get through it. Your kids need a safe environment, my 14dd witnessed some of the abuse and it still affects her 10 years later. Get out before your kids are affected.

I'm wondering if he gets drunk on purpose to try and justify assaulting and abusing you and can try and blame it on the drink. He's out of control. He doesn't know what he is doing. I bet he can still speak, have sex, eat and drink though consciously.

Just as AF naturally doesn't mean you are a fucking idiot your husband doesn't mean it when he says he loves you and is so lucky to have you. Unless he really means lucky as he loves having someone to assault and abuse.

I get how you love your house though I've never been in that position, but your mental health and well being are worth more than a pretty house. Your life is too long to spend it this way. Be brave. Take that first step. Read the millions of posts from divorced wives who are so much happier now and wonder why they stayed so long.

Love yourself as he sure as hell doesn't.

Alcohol doesn't totally change someone's personality it just brings out what is there deep down but held in check.
You need to make a plan and leave but don't be surprised if " drunk" DH makes more of an appearance when you tell him you are leaving

One of the (many) reasons problem drinkers ( smokers/ drug takers) continue on this path of self destruction in denial is because nobody really confronts them until it gets really, really bad ( even then it's easier to play blind dog).
I'm an advocate of saying it how it is ( from the first time I notice it)

' Christ you reek...'

' God , how much had you had to drink last night....? ( poker face; no amusement showing),

' Do you know you've got a big red face...?'

' You don't just smell like you've had a few, you smell like a down and out....' ( Apologies to real down and outs out there)

The friends and family will be all too aware, but because only you are rocking the boat/ pointing it out at the moment he sees fit to attack you verbally ( and what with the crotch grabbing, now physically). I'd tell a white lie here and mention that others have remarked upon his behaviour after drinking recently. And not in a complimentary fashion.

Problematic drinking is an elevator that only goes down. However you can step off ( with help) at any level. There is help out there he just has to ask/ find it.

Good luck OP but please put yourself and your Dcs first and decore/ furnishings/appliances last.

I don't believe the "I can't remember I was too drunk" excuse. Nasty.

OP, how are you feeling today ?

IMO you need to start taking the steps to separate. Get legal advice and work out everything you might get. Talk to him about practicalities and his role on it. He should also be responsible for child care costs, for example.

Think how your children are also affected by his drinking. Will they ever see him assaulting their mum? Calling her names? Have they already?

You can survive, although you may not be able to keep your current standard of living.

Honestly AF? Confused.

Things are quite pleasant and calm right now. Although as I have to sit this out to sort out finances that's a good thing. Doesn't help with my guilt though!

And also, although I know you are all right, I don't recognise what you are saying in my life. Yes I know the crotch grabbing was utterly awful, that happened in September. There have been other bad drinking incidents since, but nothing like that since. I made it very clear that anything like that again would be it.

Although it's bad, it doesn't feel abusive? Maybe it never does to anyone? Also, the kids don't see any of it, luckily, and he is very involved and utterly devoted to them. However what they do see is me upset the morning after and I know that's not healthy.

If we do split, I'd want him involved in their lives as much as possible. It would literally break him otherwise.

I don't think he drinks as an excuse to abuse me, truly. I think he can't control himself and it unleashes another side to him. The end result is the same though so it hardly matters.

I'm going to get myself as informed as possible, but the fact remains that I need to consolidate my credit card debt as my salary is part time and low and on my own it would screw me. To remortgage we need to be together, but DH is in a new job so we are a few months off being able to do it.

Stuck in limbo for now (at least in my head as DH doesn't know the full extent of how I'm feeling)

I think he can't control himself and it unleashes another side to him.

that's the point. He shouldn't have to "control himself" if there was no other side to him. The side he normally hides from you.

The side he unleashes when he has an excuse (being drunk) and that you will see the moment you become vulnerable for any reason.

Would leave him. That's disgusting, drink or no drink.

Although it's bad, it doesn't feel abusive? Maybe it never does to anyone?

It never ceases to amaze me what financial, physical, emotional or sexual abuse women describe but can't quite make the connection with it being abuse.

He groped you, he called you names - would you really accept that behaviour from people in your life?

If we do split, I'd want him involved in their lives as much as possible

That's his responsibility.

You're not in limbo, in your in the preparation phase.

Make a CAB appointment OP, they will be able to help with finances, calculate childcare assistance etc.

He is an abusive twat with no respect for you or your boundaries.

Only read your initial post, but I am betting this isn't the worse thing he has done to you!

So your children cannot smell him either? Make no mistake, just because they don't see it does not mean they are not aware.

Children are generally hugely instinctive that something is wrong. The adults playing the charade that it is OK is what does the most damage! What about honesty?

Yes, you can help him to get a bloody grip, by being honest right now.
You never know ( weirder things have happened) he may just need a big kick up the arse and then voila!- once he realises what he may lose he may magically resort to being the loving family man he can be ( without booze). But the odds of an addict breaking free so easily are very very slim.
You don't have to let him know about the information gathering you are doing and escape plan you are hatching.
Don't wait til another episode. He'll no doubt act like a cornered viper regardless but with a hangover he'll be extra defensive.
Until you voice it calmly, assertively and with compassion you cannot know if he truly understands the severity of the situation.
Look it up on the web- there are many drafts out there of how to put it gently but firmly so he knows just how problematic his disordered drinking behaviour hs become.
Keep it consise and no ultimatums at this point as you need to pave the way should he be too far gone to give a shit.
Keep a level head and btw you sound like a very strong individual.

Would it really break him not to live with the children?

If that's the case I would be very seriously telling him he stops all the drinking and disgusting behaviour other wise he won't be living with his kids anymore.

You sound so lovely. I hope you start to value yourself.

Ok, wait until the remortgage is complete and the credit cards paid off then serve divorce papers. Can he afford the mortgage on his own? He will have to buy you out and you can use your share to set yourself up in a rented house if you can't get a mortgage and you will be fine.
How old are the kids? When will childcare get cheaper?

Again I suggest you get along to Al Anon meanwhile