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Original poster

Please give me your reaction to this scenario

78 replies

TwirlyShoePoo · 08/05/2015 21:04

I've nc and I don't want to give any other background at the moment as I just want it know if my feelings on something that happened are out of proportion or not.

At best friends wedding (as bridesmaid). Lovely day. DH gets very drunk in evening (most people tipsy and he's not only v drunk person).

Later in evening DH keeps alluding to fact we will have sex in the hotel room later.

Then keeps on coming over and grabbing me in the crotch (from the front!) on the dance floor. I keep pushing him off hoping no one has seen. He does this around half a dozen times, roughly so it actually hurts a bit.

I go to the hotel room to get away and sober up a bit as feeling really upset and pissed off as I want to have a good time with my friends.

DH comes up, wants to have sex. When I say no way due to his behaviour, calls me a fucking bitch.

I leave and avoid him for most of night. He passes out. In morning can't remember what he's done.

I can give more background info in a bit but I'm interested to people's reaction to this incident on its own.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwirlyShoePoo · 08/05/2015 21:24

AF, I have posted many before.

Getting v drunk the night before a job interview, despite me asking him to moderate. He can't moderate. DS was teething (which he knew). I went to interview on 2 hours sleep.

Getting home drunk a lot, at various time (earliest 6.30!) resulting in various name calling/annoying behaviour, standard drinking in his industry though which really doesn't help as it was all with work in the Christmas period

Admitting he ran up £4k on cash poker in clubs (though he's backtracked on this and now says it's not that much)

Drink and gambling, was a cliche. I'm so embarrassed

OP posts:
MrsKCastle · 08/05/2015 21:27

He was completely disrespectful.

For that evening, he didn't see you as a person in your own right, just as something to fuck.

And I don't believe being drunk changes someone's personality- it just exaggerates existing traits.

Original poster
TwirlyShoePoo · 08/05/2015 21:28

Sorry cross posts.

I wouldn't say they are getting closer together as I lost it in the new year, spilled it all out to my friend, then not long afterwards I had to say I'm not sure i love him.

He's made an effort. But it's still happening occasionally.

I honestly feel totally trapped. We've renovated our house and I've amassed a large amount of personal debt on credit card because of that. We are hoping to remortgage but will be a few months until we can.

Even after that I've don entitled to, I'm not sure I can survive financially. I work part time, tried to increase my hours, doesn't seem to be possible right now.

Part of me thinks if I could overlook all that happens we could be happy. But I can't get over it, it keeps coming back to me

OP posts:
AtomicDog · 08/05/2015 21:28

It sounds intolerable Sad
Does he agree he has a drink problem?

SycamoreMum · 08/05/2015 21:28

Ugh. People who cant handle booze make me sick. What he did was disgusting. I would give him a blow by blow account of what he did and make sure he stays away from me. Yuck.

BrockAuLit · 08/05/2015 21:29

Absolutely unacceptable. I would not countenance anyone (partner, friend, colleague, whatever) in my life who swears at me, let alone continuouy gropes after I'd said no. It displays their utter contempt for me, and I don't need or want anyone who thinks that of me. In which case, neither of us need have anything to do with the other.

Also, the drinking is a red herring. He knows he gets like this when drunk, so the simple solution is to not get drunk.

Move on from this man. He is wasting your precious time.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2015 21:29

I remember you, OP

when are you going to reach your limit, love ?

it must be close by now

Original poster
TwirlyShoePoo · 08/05/2015 21:33

AF that's tipped me into sobbing.

I'm there now, but I don't know how to leave. Truly.

I've got an assessment for counselling next week and I hope that gives me some confidence. I had v v v low self esteem when we got together which explains it really. Sad thing is we had some very happy years. He's fucked it.

He comes from a family of alcoholics so him stopping drinking doesn't seem simple or likely.

How do I do this? The money thing is a big deal.

Also, it was his flat, I moved in. We've done it up together and it's gorgeous now.

I don't think he's fundamentally bad. I love him as the father of my children. But he's never going to change and I'm so fucking unhappy

OP posts:
BrockAuLit · 08/05/2015 21:33

Just seen subsequent posts.

Sounds like alcohol is a problem for him.

Tell him to choose: you or the booze, and you will judge him by his actions. Tough for him to do, nowhere near as tough as the treatment you've been subjected to.

Arsehole. Am so angry on your behalf.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2015 21:34

I am so sorry Thanks

AnyFucker · 08/05/2015 21:37

Alcoholics are not "bad" people, you are right

But they will always prioritise the drink over everything else in their life. Unless they accept the problem and seek proper help for it. Even then, it's a very hard road, and one best travelled away from the rest of the family that you continually hurt in the pursuit of the next excuse to drink and allow your true character to come through

the "nice" bits are simply a hiatus until the next time. They are not real.

Original poster
TwirlyShoePoo · 08/05/2015 21:41

It's hard when it can be a while between 'incidents' though. I think the reason I reached breaking point this time was because there were so many in quick succession,

He knows he has a problem but stops short of being able to say he'll stop

To be honest, although I want him to do that for his own sake, I think it's too late for me. I just don't feel the way I used to.

What do people do in this situation? The only way I can see that I could survive would be for us to sell our house and for me to live off my share of the proceeds (or use them to subside my wage) until childcare costs go down. I just feel that is damaging my kids future security. And I don't want to leave my home :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/05/2015 21:42

I don't deny your lifestyle will probably have to change

But is the lifestyle you have now worth it ?

I don't think so

TheoriginalLEM · 08/05/2015 21:43

The only way this wouldnt be a deal breaker for me would be if he vowed (and stuck to it) never drink again

Original poster
TwirlyShoePoo · 08/05/2015 21:45

Well I need to wait until we have remortgaged. I can't keep this debt on my own.

I think that's what's hard, being in limbo as I need to get the financial side sorted

Then I feel like a cold heartless bitch!

OP posts:
Original poster
TwirlyShoePoo · 08/05/2015 21:46

LEM his dad is a recovering alcoholic and doesn't drink at all now. As is one of DHs friends, who is now a sponsor.

So he has experience of people close to him going through this.

I just don't think he's there though. I can't make him.

OP posts:
ShizeItsWeegie · 08/05/2015 21:47

Make a start OP. Ways will be found. You sound so unhappy. Make a start.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2015 21:47

well you are a fucking bitch and a "fucking idiot" remember ?

RandomMess · 08/05/2015 21:48

Hugs op Flowers

So a planned exit, get the remortgage to get the debt into joint names. That will wait will give you time to emotionally detach, sort stuff out like bank accounts, research benefits etc.

Vivacia · 08/05/2015 21:49

Think about what you would do if you woke up and your partner said you'd done half of this.

YANBU.

You seem unsure of how to take the next steps, so I suggest you start gathering info and get legal advice .

FastWindow · 08/05/2015 21:52

Not heartless op. Never that. Your heart is being stretched to breaking point. Give your heart to the children and think about the fact that what you are going to have to do, is for them. You're not against your DH - he's against himself.

RandomMess · 08/05/2015 21:52

You are protecting your dc future by sorting out the finances. There is every possibility that you will have the house to live in as sole occupant until the youngest is 18 with a mesher order attached. Then you sell and divide assets - he may need to continue to contribute to the mortgage in this time in addition to paying maintenance.

The children need to be housed along with their primary carer.

He will have to pay maintenance too, financially it will be difficult but probably not as bad as you are thinking.

Original poster
TwirlyShoePoo · 08/05/2015 21:53

I know that's what I need to do.

But when he comes home, gives me a hug, tells me he loves me and he's so lucky it makes it unbelievably hard.

I'm having a bit of a mental meltdown to be honest!

Doesn't help that our lives our so entwined in that he's either friends with or works in the same industry as most of my friends or their partners. Makes it hard to talk to anyone about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwirlyShoePoo · 08/05/2015 21:55

RandomMess that would be the best scenario for me (and the DC) but I feel so incredibly guilty.

It was his house that he saved for and bought before me. He loves our newly renovated place. I feel so so guilty if he has to go and live somewhere else

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/05/2015 21:55

you think you are shielding and protecting him but your friends/family know