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Original poster

Partners ex is pregnant...

56 replies

catsandstuff · 06/05/2015 08:09

Hi all,

I have been in my current relationship a little under two months (prior to this i was single for a short while after leaving a heavy 4 year relationship). Things are going well between us and strong emotional feelings have developed.

From the beginning I knew he had a DS, nearly 5. Not a problem for me, decent relationship with mother and he sees him
every weekend.

About a fortnight into our relationship, I received a facebook message from his most recent ex. She was speculating that something was going on between us and wanted to let me know that she was pregnant but he wasn't interested. Now, I already knew about this but he had made it very clear that they broke up prior to them finding out she was pregnant, nothing has changed, wants to help out financially but doesn't want to be involved. Whilst I thought it was better for him to take some interest, I accepted his decision and we carried on as normal. Honestly, it was just put to the back of mind.

Long story short, a couple of months later and he's there right now at her scan. He told me he intended to go at 10pm last night because 'the guilt was killing him'.

I cried. A lot. I knew she was having his child, I had come to terms with it. But now I am struggling to overcome these horrible feelings that are building inside of me. I think we can get past it, I want to be a good girlfriend, stick by him and support him but there are also feelings of jealousy and heartache.

Is it normal to feel like this? I don't suppose it happens that often. All I can think about is them together, at the scan, celebrating their baby boy or girl whilst I'm just in the background completely helpless. Is that selfish?

Everything i've read so far has told me run a mile but I think I can cope, I just need reassurance that this isn't the beginning of the end of us.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 06/05/2015 08:19

It's not. Honestly it's not. Many, many people have strong and loving relationships with people who have children.

You just need to accept that he has these children and he needs to be fully in their lives. He needs to bond, to love, to provide and they must come first. It is better that he is interested than he is not. His children deserve that.

You wouldn't want to be with a man who would walk away from his children, would you? You are the one who felt it would be better for him to take interest. You are right! He made children - he should be a father.

You can have a strong and loving relationship with him. He doesn't need to choose, there doesn't need to be competition, he is just a man with 2 children, who is being a half decent person and father, who is in a relationship with you. His children have the right to be a full part of his life, he should want to spend time with them, look after them, have them overnight in time, etc.

MuttonCadet · 06/05/2015 08:22

I'd be more worried about his initial feelings that he didn't want to be involved. That doesn't scream "decent man" to me.

This is not going to be easy for you, 2 months in I think I'd walk away tbh.

flanjabelle · 06/05/2015 08:27

I don't mean to be nasty, but you need to get a grip. you have been with this guy for two months. That's 8 weeks! You need to take a massive step back and realise that he should be being involved in these things! To be honest if he was the sort of guy who wasn't involved in his child's life then why would you want to be with him?

I'm guessing you feel threatened as you haven't been together long enough to be anywhere near as important as his child. But that is exactly how it should be! I think you need to stay out of it, think carefully whether its too much to take on, and act accordingly.

flanjabelle · 06/05/2015 08:29

And you should be in the background, it is incredibly selfish to think otherwise. This isn't anything to do with you!

DrankSangriaInThePark · 06/05/2015 08:41

I disagree. Because at the moment it's a foetus. At the moment he seems to be involved with the woman carrying it. Sure, as he does with his other child, he should have a relationship with his child when it's born, of course he should.

Did you believe him when he told you they split before she found out she was pregnant? Not sure I would. Because that makes him look less of a bastard no?

I actually think he's walking away. So you probably won't have to.

But if he doesn't, (walk away) then I think you need to have a long hard think about any future you may have with him. Two children from two previous relationships- his weekends are going to be pretty busy.

pocketsaviour · 06/05/2015 08:41

So he has two kids (or will have) with two different partners and originally didn't want to be involved with the one on the way.

Hmm. I'd be calling it a day, two months in. Maybe keep in touch and see how the land lies after the baby is born, but it sounds like you're already feeling hurt over this, so if I were you I'd cut my losses now.

ChannelingFlop · 06/05/2015 08:47

Sorry OP, but I agree with everyone else. He has 2 children. When the baby is born it is going to be a long time before he can have it by himself so that is potentially going to involve a lot of time spent at the ex's house.
His children will (or should) always be his priority.

NightsOfGethsemane · 06/05/2015 09:38

2 months in is the honeymoon stage. You don't really know him yet and things should be light and fun.

You need to take a step back and take a long hard look at whether this situation is what you want. If he is a halfway decent man then yes you will come second to his children. This is as it should be.

Honestly? I would walk away. You've been dating for a very short time and you don't sound emotionally equipped to deal with his current circumstances.

niceupthedance · 06/05/2015 09:41

I don't know what his true feelings for his ex are but I have been in her situation. I wanted the father of my DC to be there at the scans and involved in the child's life. However I never wanted a relationship with him.

I think only time will tell whether they decide to make a go of it,but it's perfectly possible to co parent with no involvement on a romantic level.

Dosydoly · 06/05/2015 09:44

I agree with NightsOfGethsemane you really don't sound equipped to deal with this. Why shouldn't he attend the scans? Or celebrate the birth, it's his CHILD and the woman carrying it deserves to have his support.

SycamoreMum · 06/05/2015 09:46

I'd let him get on with his responsibilities if I was in your situation. Its only going to get more complicated as the pregnancy progresses and you might need to take a backseat. Don't you want to be in a relationship where you and the man are the only people you'll need to care about?

CocktailQueen · 06/05/2015 09:46

2 kids from two previous relationships? You've been going out for 3 months?
I'd cut my losses and walk away.

Too many conflicting stories - when and why did he leave? how involved will he be with his kids? Blah blah.

I'd find someone with less baggage and a less complicated life.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/05/2015 09:51

So "the most recent ex" nust've been very very "recent" then!

Crikey, this sounds very fishy and difficult to me.

You're only two months in (less than that so what, 6 weeks?) is it really worth all this angst?

GlitzAndGigglesx · 06/05/2015 09:52

I'm more surprised he's already with you! I'm not sure I'd get involved with someone who conceives kids then leaves the mother then hooks up with someone so soon. I'd also admittedly feel jealous by the time they will spend together during the pregnancy and once baby is born. And why is she telling you one thing then he another?

GoshNotAnotherOne · 06/05/2015 10:07

I'd also be more worried if he had refused to take an interest/responsibility.

Rebecca2014 · 06/05/2015 10:13

So you were happy to stay with this man who said he wanted nothing to do with his baby? how can you accept his 5 year old son but not his baby brother/sister?

My ex has two kids by two women; there is a reason for this...do you really want to be baby mummy number three?

It is good he has decided to be involved in his second child life but I would run for the hills If I was you.

Jan45 · 06/05/2015 10:45

So a dad to two different kids, one of which he wanted nothing to do with - that alone is bad news.

You've been with him just over 8 weeks, you ready for the commitment of not just a serious relationship but also supporting two of his children if you ever become serious, not to mention his kids will ALWAYS come first.

So, for the above, I'd be finding someone who is actually free to give you what you want.

Isetan · 06/05/2015 10:47

I want to be a good girlfriend WTAF! Given the circumstances, your feelings aren't at all abnormal but the situation you find yourself in, is.

The man you're involved in has gone from not wanting to be involved with his unborn child, to being at the scan. Even though he is doing the right thing, his u turn is bound to be confusing, especially since your relationship is so new. I personally think he is behaving well and his focus is where it should be and I wouldn't be too impressed with any guy who prioritised his eight week relationship, above someone who he would be having a co-parenting relationship for at least the next 18 years.

Your feeling aren't bad and therefore there is no need to pretend not to have them, especially in a misguided attempt to be seen as 'good'. Your gut feelings are telling you something and not necessarily that your bf is or will cheat. There are probably some gf's who wouldn't bat an eyelid in your position, I think they're in the minority but it wouldn't make them 'better' gf, only different.

He may be the right guy and you might be the right girl but it isn't the right time, for either of you (his guilt and your jealousy confirm this) and waiting it out will probably result in a lot of heartache.

Let him go.

CattyCatCat · 06/05/2015 10:57

This one sounds too complicated, OP. in your shoes I would be moving on. The relationship is 8 weeks old. You can let go of this guy and look for a more straightforward relationship without all the complications and future implications of this one.
Life does not have to be hard unless you make it so.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 06/05/2015 11:03

Two months in, walk AWAY. Fast.

These situations can work. But a current pregnancy and another child and your only two months in. I think you will struggle to cope with it all. He needs to focus on this pregnancy.

I see heartbreak ahead if you stay.

Stinkersmum · 06/05/2015 11:04

I think those poo pooing the length of your relationship are being a bit unfair. It didn't take 8 weeks for my now DH and I knew that was it and we were meant to be. However, do you really want to be put 2nd/3rd so early in your relationship? Because that's essentially what you'll be. I'd move on if I were you. He needs to concentrate on his children, you need to put yourself first.

Tomodachi · 06/05/2015 11:12

I couldn't do that. I couldn't stay with him - knowing he needs to be there for his kids. I just couldn't and rather than staying with him and hating him and myself for being incapable of dealing better with the situation I would leave. It is not going to get easier. I am a stepmum to an adult since she was a toddler and in my case it never got easier. I feel such guilt over something I couldn't deal better with so feel bad about a situation I did not have to be in. Put yourself first and leave because if you don't you will never be able to put yourself first again.

Waltermittythesequel · 06/05/2015 11:16

Fuck sake.

Less than two months? He's not your partner, he's the bloke you've just started seeing.

And he sounds like a prick.

KneeQuestion · 06/05/2015 11:20

You barely know him and already you're dealing with this crap, while trying to be all 'cool girlfriend' about it?

Walk away, save your tears.

RebelRobin · 06/05/2015 11:21

I would walk away. When do you want children?? He may not want another one, where do you stand then??

Go, walk out the door, don't look back. His mess that you dont want to be in, trust me

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