Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partners ex is pregnant...

56 replies

catsandstuff · 06/05/2015 08:09

Hi all,

I have been in my current relationship a little under two months (prior to this i was single for a short while after leaving a heavy 4 year relationship). Things are going well between us and strong emotional feelings have developed.

From the beginning I knew he had a DS, nearly 5. Not a problem for me, decent relationship with mother and he sees him
every weekend.

About a fortnight into our relationship, I received a facebook message from his most recent ex. She was speculating that something was going on between us and wanted to let me know that she was pregnant but he wasn't interested. Now, I already knew about this but he had made it very clear that they broke up prior to them finding out she was pregnant, nothing has changed, wants to help out financially but doesn't want to be involved. Whilst I thought it was better for him to take some interest, I accepted his decision and we carried on as normal. Honestly, it was just put to the back of mind.

Long story short, a couple of months later and he's there right now at her scan. He told me he intended to go at 10pm last night because 'the guilt was killing him'.

I cried. A lot. I knew she was having his child, I had come to terms with it. But now I am struggling to overcome these horrible feelings that are building inside of me. I think we can get past it, I want to be a good girlfriend, stick by him and support him but there are also feelings of jealousy and heartache.

Is it normal to feel like this? I don't suppose it happens that often. All I can think about is them together, at the scan, celebrating their baby boy or girl whilst I'm just in the background completely helpless. Is that selfish?

Everything i've read so far has told me run a mile but I think I can cope, I just need reassurance that this isn't the beginning of the end of us.

OP posts:
shubham005 · 06/05/2015 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cherryapple1 · 06/05/2015 11:29

I couldn't date someone who didn't want to be involved with their child. Is he going to dump you if you get pregnant. I hope you are using protection. If he is having unprotected sex and causing unwanted pregnancies I think you need to be very careful with your own health here too, as well as your emotional wellbeing.

morethanpotatoprints · 06/05/2015 11:32

He has children that must come first.
Unless you want a life waiting around for when he can throw you a tit bit, get out now, while you can.

It is a very new relationship and had you been partners may have something to lose, but at this stage you hardly know him and have nothing to lose.

After coming out of a heavy 4 year relationship you need time on your own, to sort out what you want and who you are. A short while is not long enough to have a good look at what you want.
get rid and enjoy yourself for a while, take time out for you and what you want to do.

Good luck Thanks you deserve a baggage free relationship when you are ready.

SoupDragon · 06/05/2015 11:33

I would walk away until he has sorted out how he feels about this child.

I agree with others that a man who would walk away from his child is not one I would want to be in a long term relationship with.

hereandtherex · 06/05/2015 12:53

'most recent ex'?

Second kid with an ex.

Jesus.Are you not seeing a bit of a pattern here?
At best, all his income will go to support his other kids.
At worst, you'll just be another ex with kids.

Run FFS.

Original poster
catsandstuff · 06/05/2015 16:48

well, crisis averted everyone.

he's gone now. he was practically living here the past month (contributing though). got back from the scan, i knew something wasn't right (its been off since last night when he told me he was going to the scan) he doesn't want to drag me into all his trouble, i'm better than that blabla so he's left. I'm not sure if it's his genuine reason but after a few buckets of tears and a lot of vodka (thank goodness i'm on holiday this week) i'm feeling better about everything.

definitely had my rose tinted glasses on there for a while. Blush

OP posts:
newstart15 · 06/05/2015 17:02

phew, so glad you are free. This guy seems a nightmare and a player. No doubt he is charming which is why he can get a women to play along.

I think you might need to work on your boundaries - 2 month relationship and he's moved in already! It's not healthy and not a sign of a good relationship, far to co-dependant from the start.

Now delete him from your phone and FB..don't let him back in your life in a few weeks

Waltermittythesequel · 06/05/2015 17:11

Just don't let him mess you around. He sounds the type..

And can I gently suggest you take some time to work out why you jumped so quickly into this?

Original poster
catsandstuff · 06/05/2015 17:22

i think because it all happened so quickly after my long term relationship, it was sort of routine if you will. i still don't have any bad feeling towards him, i know he's come to his senses and is doing the right thing. i have an ounce of respect for him for that. i know it would have got messy, i wouldve got jealous - an existing child is one thing, one on the way only 14 weeks in is another. i can't help but cry, purely for the fact i dont hate him. he has good intentions, just very poorly executed. Sad

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 06/05/2015 18:03

OP, you've had a lot of flack on here about the length of relationship etc. I really feel for you. I hope you get past this soon Flowers I'm sorry to hear he's left but maybe it will save you some heartache.

I'm in a similar position, in that the guy I have been seeing for 5 months potentially has an unborn baby. She doesn't know who the father is. He had a one night stand the week before we met. But he's said from day 1 he's going to be involved and he doesn't have any other children so I suppose I cannot relate too much.

By the sounds of it, he's gone back to his ex. They're likely patching things up. But if I'm wrong and he does come back, you need to seriously consider whether you can deal with the whole "him going to visit his children" and being at the birth etc.

It's going to be tough for me but I know it won't upset me and I won't feel like I'm sitting on the sidelines, because he's already said that if the child is his, I'll be involved as our relationship progresses.

Original poster
catsandstuff · 06/05/2015 18:14

thank you tokenginger. I don't think he'll go back to her, they broke up about month before she found out she was pregnant for a number of reasons and have both said they wouldn't go back there. but what do i know, i'm just a flash in the pan haha.

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 06/05/2015 18:16

2 months in, I'd end it. Not as any reflection to him, you or your relationship but because I wouldn't be even nearly invested enough in the man to put myself through the situation to come.

She's, what, 3 months pregnant ish? So you have another 6 months of her needs (rightly) trumping your wants. Then he'll (again, rightly) be spending a lot of time with her during the new born stage. Only once the mum is happy to spend time away from the baby might the situation feel a bit better for you as your DP can look after the baby at his. But that's not likely to be quick, even if she doesn't have issues with you potentially being in her new baby's life.

After 2 months, there's not a chance I'd carry on with a relationship that I knew would be this heavily influenced by an ex for quite some time.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 06/05/2015 18:24

Right, so you ended a LTR then slipped right into another similar thing without the initial taking it slow phase - you need some time being single and working on yourself. Your boundaries are way off. 8 weeks is dating, not standing by your man as he goes trough pregnancy and birth of a new baby with another woman.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 06/05/2015 18:28

Sorry OP, just saw your update. It's a gift, and it's the right thing for you both though I don't for one minute think he's omitted to tell you he's getting back with the ex

Original poster
catsandstuff · 06/05/2015 18:34

do you really think that's what is happening cupidstunt? i must seem like such a mug! haha!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/05/2015 18:34

Honestly, someone you have been seeing a couple of a months it should still be fun, not all this complicated.

Please do the Freedom Programme and take some time out to work on your self esteem because you deserve so much more than some guy who has gone around fathering children he doesn't want to be involved with and bed hopping with lightning speed.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 06/05/2015 18:36

Whether or not he's going back to her he's doing the absolute right thing by ending it with you. He should stay out of any emotional entanglements until the baby is born IMO.

DinosaursRoar · 06/05/2015 18:43

oh it's really typical to try to reproduce what feels 'normal' when you've just left a long term relationship, so move faster and get more involved than you would otherwise with a new relationship.

You're definately better off without him, and he's definately better off alone, even if he doesn't get back together with his ex, he is in no place mentally to be a good boyfriend to someone else.

LividofLondinium · 06/05/2015 18:56

Cats I think people have been rather unkind regarding the length of the relationship to be honest. Let's face it, the first few weeks/months of dating someone feels the most intense, unless you are making a concerted effort to not let yourself get emotionally involved of course.

I've been in a very similar situation about 25 years ago. I was with a man for "only" 3 months, but we were inseperable from day one; it was very intense (we were both young). 2 weeks in he told me his ex GF was pregnant by him. He promised me he'd not go back to her, that he wanted to be with me, but also that he wanted to be part of the child's life. We put it to one side and enjoyed our relationship. However, as soon as the baby was born he dumped me like a tonne of bricks to "make a go of it with her". I was devastated, took me months to heal. OK, we got back together 9 months later but it was never the same, he couldn't understand why I was so upset that he left (we were "in love" and he'd promised he wasn't going back to her FFS!) and thought that being back together was the main thing. We split up.

So what I'm saying is I think him leaving probably for her, because people are fundamentally selfish and he wouldn't sacrifice you just to spare you the grief was a blessing in disguise for you. No way would I ever go through what I went through with my ex. If I was dating someone for a relatively short period and he anounced his ex was pregnant by him I'd run a mile. It has the potential for way too much angst.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 06/05/2015 19:05

Yeah, sorry cats but it probably is. Have yourself a couple of drinks and try to forget about him.

The absolute best thing I did after leaving my ex was stay single (almost a year now). I'd forgotten how it feels. You start behaving like yourself when you've been single a while, rather than like an extension of someone else. Give it a go Thanks

AuntyMag10 · 06/05/2015 19:08

I think it worked out best for you op. Do you really want to be with someone having kids all over the place. It shows his lack of commitment to a family life. You could have been the third one! Lucky escape I think.

Original poster
catsandstuff · 06/05/2015 19:11

lividoflondinium, thank you. it really is hard, purely because in the early stages you are having such a wonderful time. i'm finding it hard to come to terms with the fact he might be leaving me for her. he made it out like i was the best thing to happen to him in a while, now i just feel completely played. i've had a lot of self esteem issues in the past but i lost a lost of weight and sorted myself out and thought this was real. how stupid was i!

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 06/05/2015 19:45

i've had a lot of self esteem issues in the past but i lost a lost of weight and sorted myself out and thought this was real.

It maybe the way this is worded but it doesn't read as if you've sorted your self esteem issues out at all.

It read as if you think:

  • my worth is related entirely to how I look
  • I lost a lot of weight
  • now men value me
  • so I therefore have higher self esteem because I have lost weight and men value me.

Sorry if that's not what you meant but it sounds like you are placing a lot of emphasis on your weight as being part of your value and self esteem.

DowntownFunk · 06/05/2015 19:56

I've been through a very similar thing. Don't walk, run...as far and as fast as you can.

DowntownFunk · 06/05/2015 19:59

Sorry didn't RTFT but it is a blessing. Much vodka and cheesy music for you. Better luck next time Smile