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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

bad relationship??

88 replies

elle86 · 05/05/2015 13:22

I am no longer with my sons father but I have a new partner and myself, my son and my partner live in my partners house. We have been together on and off for 4 years. He has ended our relationship multiple times in the past. We did live him before but he literally kicked us out. He has declared his love for me so many times but has always ended the relationship. We never go out where there might be people he/we know. We are not friends on facebook. He always said he doesn't want people knowing his personal business although he's quit happy for other people to post pictures of him and with other girls. A number of times I found texts from him to other girls on his phone although that was in past and quit a while ago, also on facebook. We never talk, literally never talk about anything important, we just sit in silence all the time. When I try and bring the subject up, he just gets angry with me. He never tells me anything. It seems like I just live in a house which he also lives in, not an actual relationship.
It seems like he is always having a go at me. He does get really horrible, although he's never actually hit me, he's pinned me up, grabbed my arm, put his hand around my neck, but I always feel like its my fault. He never says sorry. He always says things and then totally goes back on them.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 07/05/2015 13:57

You're right Elle, it's not normal. Being in a relationship should make the good times fucking awesome, and the shit life throws at you a bit easier to deal with. Seems like he's the one throwing all most of the shit. Does being with this man enhance your life? Sitting in silence, jolly whistling when he's upset you? My ex used to do that, horrible isn't it?

He's kicked you and your son out a number of times? You know he'll do it again, don't you. One if the many reasons you need to make your own decision to leave. You'll probably be surprised at how light and happy and relieved you feel. At the moment you and your son are living in a constant state of uncertainty. He could kick you both out tomorrow on a whim.

And saying he has the right to leer at women "because that's what men do",(yeah, it's what creepy men do) not only that, but does it when you're with him? I'm married to a man, and he doesn't feel the need to stare at women. In fact none of the men I know do. Do you know why? They like and respect women and wouldn't want to make them feel uncomfortable.

I can't see he has any redeeming features. You'll feel so much better about yourself once you ditch this wanker. Like others have said, please do enroll in the Freedom Programme.

I think you said upthread you have your own house. For your son's sake, if not your's, moving back there would be the best thing for you both.

I apologise if this post has come across a bit ranty, Elle. I'm angry on your behalf that this abuser has convinced you that this is all you deserve.

RubbishMantra · 07/05/2015 14:07

*And referring to your first post, "declaring love" is just that. Words.

Loving is a verb. Something you actively do. Showing in your actions and treatment towards the person you love.

Laladeepsouth · 07/05/2015 22:25

Dear OP, I just read your kind words re my post. I'm glad it resonated with you; every single bit of it comes from trying to understand and analyze experiences in RL. Once you really internalize and see the pattern especially the onset of his boredom/lack of enthusiasm and the irritation that precedes the outburst it helps your ability to disengage from this person who is making your life and your child's life so chaotic and frightening. Best of luck in finding your way out of this relationship.

Original poster
elle86 · 08/05/2015 10:16

Morning and thank you all again for taking the time to respond to me.
I feel quit worn out with everything. This morning I'm told he is working tomorrow morning. He has known this for about 2 weeks but he only announces it to me just as he's walking out this door this morning to avoid me asking any questions. I asked why has he only just told me, the response I got was because it had changed a few times. How I know he is lying, because I saw his calendar on his ipad which had sat 9th stock take, about 2 weeks ago. He lies to my face, looks guilty and when I say I know he lying he just says F* you and walks out the door, and he then wonders why I don't trust a single word he tell me. He used to text other girls behind my back and lie but I got his phone and see it with my own eyes. The amount of times he has lied to me over different things is unbelievable. I have always said I'd prefer him not too work weekends as we have my son every other weekend and he goes to his dads every Friday so my partner doesn't see him Friday as he leaves for work at 7.30. He will now not see him all weekend as my son is at his fathers, is he bothered, probably not. I feel he is very cunning.

OP posts:
Original poster
elle86 · 08/05/2015 10:19

He wanted us back because he wanted a family, he didn't want to do the things he used too etc. Now he has us back I feel like we're only there to live in his house. His business comes 1st and that is his priority. I just feel so down about everything.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 08/05/2015 10:19

'and when I say I know he lying he just says F* you and walks out the door'

He couldn't get much more disrespectful or vile than this. He has zero respect for you OP. He's not interested in spending time with you or your son. You are worth so much more. In a healthy relationship, there are no games, no lies, no witholding information from the other person.

Original poster
elle86 · 08/05/2015 10:22

I totally agree. I just don't understand why it is the way it is.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/05/2015 10:23

Your posts are very repetitive. You're enumerating all the shit things he does but not responding to anyone's questions or points.
Your son is being harmed by this pathetic excuse for a relationship and that's on you. What are you going to do with that?

StaceyAndTracey · 08/05/2015 10:24

You said you own your own house ? Do you let it out ?

And you work full time and earn a good wage ?

Cherryapple1 · 08/05/2015 10:27

Who cares if he wanted you back. You are not a puppet.

Nothing is going to change unless you take action. What does he have to do for you to do that? He is an abusive, dangerous disrespectful, dishonest piece of work. Stop trying to understand him and start protecting yourself and your child.

Original poster
elle86 · 08/05/2015 10:28

Reading all your responses to everything I have written, I know it isn't just me thinking something is wrong, with all your responses, I know something is wrong. I feel like I need to see what everyone else thinks, does that make sense??

OP posts:
Original poster
elle86 · 08/05/2015 10:38

I do own my own house. I do work full time and I do earn a good wage........

OP posts:
kissmethere · 08/05/2015 10:48

Stop trying to figure out why he is like this and start thinking about leaving this relationship behind. How long will it be before he does actually hit you? You'll be trying to figure out why he did it and blame yourself most likely!
The cons out way the pros by the sounds of it .

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/05/2015 10:50

...And you are co-dependent when it comes to relationships. What do you think you are teaching your son about relationships here?.

You were targeted by this man OP and you let him in. Some men like this individual you describe target single mums because they think they are desperate for any male company. Also if they see a woman as "strong" they regard it as a challenge to take someone like that down with them.

Apart from enrolling on the Freedom Programme you need to totally reassess your whole approach to relationships because you have undoubtedly learnt an awful lot of damaging crap to date. That same crap is now being passed to your son.

Cherryapple1 · 08/05/2015 11:00

co-dependent - most certainly.

Stop looking for him, and us to validate you, and start taking control.

What on earth do we have to say to you to make you listen and take action?

Original poster
elle86 · 08/05/2015 11:08

We both worked together so we knew each other in the 1st instance.

I think my son is learning bad things from all this. I saw some messages between him and a friend (a girl) on his ipad yesterday evening as his ipad is linked to my phone so I can see his messages. He asked her who she would have a baby with and they both send messages like I love you loads etc. But why my son asked her that question had baffled me, he is only 8 and she is 9. I haven't questioned him about it.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 08/05/2015 11:15

'I think my son is learning bad things from all this'

No 'think' about it. He is learning horrible lessons from this situation, which will affect the relationships he has with other people now, and when he becomes an adult.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/05/2015 11:24

"I think my son is learning bad things from all this"

There is no think about this. He IS indeed learning bad things about relationships. Your life now, as pitiful as it is primarily because of this man you shackled yourself to, is that what you envisaged for your son?.

What did YOU learn about relationships when growing up?.

pinkyredrose · 08/05/2015 11:29

You need to put your son first instead of yourself. You've got the means to move out and support yourself so just do it. At the moment you're putting your selfish desire for a half arsed 'relationship' with someone who doesn't like you above his need for stability. You're being very selfish. You should put your son first.

StaceyAndTracey · 08/05/2015 11:33

You said you don't know what to do . Here's my advice -

Give notice to your tenant . Move back into your own house

Dump your partner

Do the freedom programme to help you work out how you got in this situation . Don't date anyone else until you sort yourself out

Focus on your son and your career . Get suport from your family and friends

Original poster
elle86 · 08/05/2015 13:43

I just feel so alone tbh, not sure what to do for the best. Head is all over the place. I think i'm trying to hold onto the slim possibility he might change........

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/05/2015 13:46

And that right there, is why women remain in abusive relationships for so much longer than they need to.
Not once has someone come out of an abusive relationship and regretted it. The only thing they ALL regret, is not leaving sooner.

Only YOU can change.
You can't change him and he won't change.
It's that simple.
You have everything in place to be able to leave.
There are so many women who feel completely trapped. They have no income, no family, no friends.
You can escape so please do so for yours and your DC sake!

Cherryapple1 · 08/05/2015 13:56

He won't change - and you are more alone with him than you ever could be without.

Original poster
elle86 · 08/05/2015 13:59

And that is just what I have said to him on lots of occasions, cherryapple1, in 1 ear and out the other.

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 08/05/2015 14:03

Op, you keep saying you don't understand why he is like that. I guess you think that if you figure out a reason, you can deal with it and turn him into a great partner. But you can't, it doesn't work like this. So maybe he was born evil, maybe he grew up to be a nasty selfish man, who knows - but you can't change him. And he's clearly making you unhappy.
Stop asking 'why does he do that'. Or read the book with the same title.