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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

bad relationship??

88 replies

elle86 · 05/05/2015 13:22

I am no longer with my sons father but I have a new partner and myself, my son and my partner live in my partners house. We have been together on and off for 4 years. He has ended our relationship multiple times in the past. We did live him before but he literally kicked us out. He has declared his love for me so many times but has always ended the relationship. We never go out where there might be people he/we know. We are not friends on facebook. He always said he doesn't want people knowing his personal business although he's quit happy for other people to post pictures of him and with other girls. A number of times I found texts from him to other girls on his phone although that was in past and quit a while ago, also on facebook. We never talk, literally never talk about anything important, we just sit in silence all the time. When I try and bring the subject up, he just gets angry with me. He never tells me anything. It seems like I just live in a house which he also lives in, not an actual relationship.
It seems like he is always having a go at me. He does get really horrible, although he's never actually hit me, he's pinned me up, grabbed my arm, put his hand around my neck, but I always feel like its my fault. He never says sorry. He always says things and then totally goes back on them.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 05/05/2015 16:36

It is the cycle of abuse. He does it because that is who he is. Why do you need to understand?

Original poster
elle86 · 05/05/2015 16:39

Because I don't understand it!

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 05/05/2015 16:48

Do read the book I linked to upthread, elle, if you are obsessed with these questions. it will help.

Cherryapple1 · 05/05/2015 16:53

But you understanding it won't change his behaviour. You cannot make him do what you want to, you can only change your response to it. You are focussing on the wrong thing rather than dealing with it as you should.

Joysmum · 05/05/2015 16:57

So many people make the mistake of judging a relationship based on the good times.

You only really know how good a relationship is based on how the tough times are.

Theoldcauliflower · 05/05/2015 17:01

I think you know the answer to your question op!
He's an abusive loser!!
Get out before he does hurt you, or even worse your ds!

Original poster
elle86 · 06/05/2015 12:19

Thank you for all your responses.
Mums net is all new to me and I have never written on a blog either before this. We have been through some really bad times, some of it no-body knows about. I have only been back with my partner since mid last year when myself & my son moved back in with him. My problem is I think about the good times and wish he could be more of that person. I just get so frustrated. Its almost like he thrives off me being un-happy because he will whistle away and sing to himself while in the kitchen, all the while he can see that I'm so quiet and distant and not happy. Why?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 06/05/2015 12:26

Because he's an abusive prick who get's off on making you feel like crap.
It makes him feel big and clever because he's a cowardly bully.
It really is that simple.
There is no point trying to understand abusers. That's who they are and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it.
He won't be fully happy with himself until you are completely on the floor with no self esteem and rely on him totally.
He's a nasty arsehole.

When children are brought up in an abusive environment they either copy the abusive behaviour or become a 'victim' of abuse themselves because it's what the they think is normal. It is how they mould future relationships, based on what they learnt growing up.
So please get away from this nasty man and give your son the chance of healthy, happy relationships when he grows up. Do not continue the cycle of abuse.

Call Womens Aid now - 0808 2000 247
Make sure you enrol on their Freedom Programme.

You need to understand abuse and see it way before it gets to this stage in future.

Cherryapple1 · 06/05/2015 12:29

Why do you need to understand his motives?

Lottapianos · 06/05/2015 12:31

'My problem is I think about the good times and wish he could be more of that person'

All of us on here who have been in abusive relationships have felt the same. The 'good' times get you hooked and you can't quite believe the same man can turn into such a monster. It is a huge head wreck and very distressing. You wish that things could be happy all the time.

However, a genuinely 'good' relationship does not make you feel afraid or disrespected or ignored. Ever. Your standards for what is acceptable in a relationship are way too low. That's not a criticism - again, all of us on here who have been in abusive relationships have had the same problem. Some of us have to learn this stuff, because it never got modelled for us when we were children.

Women's Aid. Freedom Program. And hellsbells explanation about why he is behaving like the way he does. All good things that you need to hold onto right now.

One more thought - 'make sure you never have a wishbone where your backbone should be'

Fudgeface123 · 06/05/2015 12:45

Get out, get out, get out, GET OUT!

Did you watch 'Murdered by my boyfriend'? This is how it starts

Mitzimaybe · 06/05/2015 12:49

You are being put down and abused, emotionally and physically and maybe other ways too (financially?)

If you read "Why does he do that" linked by GoatsDoRoam above, you will get answers to a lot of your questions. Do also take the advice to contact Womens Aid and enrol on the Freedom Programme which will help to explain it all and help you to avoid an abusive situation in the future.

If you don't feel you can leave him for yourself, do it for your son. As you've said, your partner may have grown up in an abusive household and be repeating what he learned as a child. You dont' want your son to do that in his turn.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/05/2015 13:01

make sure you never have a wishbone where your backbone should be
What a great saying.
One I might need to steal in future.

Lottapianos · 06/05/2015 13:24

It's a good one eh hellsbells? Smile I've nicked it from 'Eat Pray Love' -it was some advice given to Liz Gilbert on her travels and it really struck me when I read it.

HazleNutt · 06/05/2015 13:31

'My problem is I think about the good times and wish he could be more of that person' - he is not that person. He was only pretending to be this nice person, to get you hooked. He's a mean, nasty, abusive bully who obviously makes you miserable, and teaches your son that this is what relationships are like.

'Its almost like he thrives off me being un-happy' - nothing almost about it, he enjoys it and does it deliberately.

nicenewdusters · 06/05/2015 20:44

Even if you took the time and trouble to understand this man, what then ? Are you going to change him ? He won't even talk to you half the time, how are you going to go about changing him ?

How do you know he wants to change ? He's enjoying the power and control over you. You say he's different to everyone else. Yes, think what that means. He's actively choosing to treat you in a way that distresses you, whilst he whistles over the washing up.

You have your own job and home, what do you get out of being with him ?

Laladeepsouth · 07/05/2015 07:57

He's just not a nice, mature person at heart. Why? Who knows and it doesn't really matter -- family. culture, brain damage?

With his friends or certain family members, he's happy because they don't ask anything of him that he doesn't want to do. He can come and go and isn't made to feel responsible or answerable to them, which he likes. With others in a superior position or those he wants to impress, he can't show his rotten side and get away with it so he does a lot of acting to get what he wants -- their acceptance and admiration.

With you, well, sometimes he starts needing female companionship and someone to take care of him and show him love and approval. At those times, he may even think that what he feels is love but it's not the kind of love that you feel and may make promises and plans. But after a while, essentially, he feels better. He's not intrigued any longer and then doesn't feel the need for what you're giving him. So he gets BORED with having to reciprocate/behave/conform and TIRED of living up to expectations of everyday life. He blames you for his own inability to sustain the feeling! He's not feeling that excitement about the relationship any longer and isn't engaged in it. Finally he just explodes with irritation and pent-up lousiness and possibly violence. Creating the crisis helps focus him and then he's fine to start all over or look around for something else to make him "happy." It has nothing to do with you.

He's going to do it over and over again. It's a recurring cycle -- excitement, engagement, boredom, irritation, explosion. You can be assured this will continue. Please don't make your child live in that environment.

Don't be confused. He's never going to be the person you think he is and that he THINKS he is.

melb14 · 07/05/2015 11:02

elle86, listen to these women on here: this forum is jam packed with stories just like yours. You're NOT alone. If you're not convinced, go look at the thread on emotionally abusive relationships here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2360895-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-thread-31?pg=8

You'll see lots that you recognise, both in terms of his behaviours, and in terms of the confusion and pain of the women who are dealing with unacceptable (and it is unacceptable) behaviour. Again, and again, and again.

And he has already physically threatened you. Speak to Women's Aid - they don't steam into your house with a stick - they talk to you to find ways you can get some of the control over your own life back. They are NOT about taking even more of it from you and making you do something you don't want to do. They know what they're doing, and they help you do the same.

Sending a huge hug. You're not alone. Smile.

Original poster
elle86 · 07/05/2015 11:04

Morning all. Thank you all again for taking the time to read and reply, I very much appreciate your replies to help me to try and understand and figure this out in my head. I am not very good with wording things and know what words to use to try and explain and get across how I feel.
Laladeepsouth - what you have written is unbelievable. I think you have written for me what is going on, I couldn't believe what I was reading! You have nailed it I think. I always think its me with the problem, a issue with me but then I think again and know it isn't. this isn't 'normal' is it.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/05/2015 11:12

It's a 'normal' outcome for an abusive relationship.
They make you think it's you. Everything is your fault.
No matter how much you change, how hard you try, nothing is ever good enough and it never will be.
Once one thing is OK, they will find another to beat you with.
Take your time and contact Womens Aid.
Start there and take it all at your own pace.
It takes many attempts to leave before the 'victim' can actually escape.
You however have a head start.
You have the support and help of the women on here. Soooo many have been where you are, that is why they are here giving advice to people like them, people like you.
You are not alone. You unfortunately are not unique.
Many women are suffering as you are on a daily basis.
Take the advice. Take the experience of the wonderful, strong women on here and start to make the changes for you and your DS.

Original poster
elle86 · 07/05/2015 12:33

He has ended the relationship 10's of times and myself and my son have moved out a number of times before we came back mid last year. He's told me to go but after he says he doesn't mean it and he says it in heat of the moment. Part of me doesn't want to be on my own. I love him but I feel like I don't like him. Sometimes I can't even look at him.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/05/2015 12:38

myself and my son have moved out a number of times before we came back mid last year

Dot you think your son deserves some stability in his life?

Move out, and DO NOT move in with him or any other man for a VERY long time. Your poor son.

Lottapianos · 07/05/2015 12:44

'Part of me doesn't want to be on my own'

Again, lots of us have been there. But this is not the sort of life you want for yourself. This is not love - this is nothing like love. You can do so much better than this. Living with just your son, you will be the boss of your life - you will get to make your own decisions, not have to walk on eggshells around someone else. You need stability and so does your son.

And Ehric is right - you have a huge amount of healing to do before you can go anywhere near a new relationship. This is time to put yourself and your son first.

What advice would you give to a good friend who had just described all the things you have shared with us on this thread? Sometimes we're a lot kinder to other people than we are to ourselves so thinking of it that way may help you.

AnyFucker · 07/05/2015 12:52

If you cannot protect your own emotional health from this abusive man, please try to protect your son

he is learning some terrible lessons here

magoria · 07/05/2015 13:14

Your poor DC is kicked out of his home on this man's whims and moods.

His life must be hell waiting for the next time.

If you can't do it for yourself put your DC who has no say or control in their roller coaster life and sort yourself out with out this man.

Why he does it is not as important as he does. He gets off on and is happy abusing you.