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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you get over seeing your kids with the ow?

53 replies

seventeen · 04/05/2015 19:29

I'm happily divorced and have been so for a couple of years.

I have a DS who sees his dad once a week and EOW.

He's now 3 and becoming more verbal every day. He got home last weekend and was full of chat about "daddy and ow". It's the first time he's ever mentioned seeing her and to be honest it was like a kick in the gut when I least expected it.

His dad and I don't talk at all due to past issues. I suppose it's been easier for me as he goes off, I hear nothing, I know nothing and up to now he tells me nothing when he gets back.

So from now on obviously he's going to be full of news about what he's done and it's going to involve her. I know he has fun there and I'm glad about that, I need some strategies for hiding the fact that it's like a kick in the face. How do I support? How do I act? What do I say?

Thanks

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 04/05/2015 19:47

I still struggle with it Confused

I find that smiling and nodding, along with "that's nice honey" works for me. I'm engaging with the kids so they know they can still tell me things, whilst managing to let it go over my head. It's incredibly difficult though...especially with my DD who is 10. She comes home positively gushing about the time she spent with OW doing her hair and nails, talking about clothes....OW does have the mental age of a 16 year old Hmm

There is no easy way....I manage...just...and still have kick in the stomach moments with some things, but it does get easier Flowers

springydaffs · 04/05/2015 19:52

You'll probably get some posts saying you should just take it on the chin and, anyway, what's the problem, hecisnt 'yours' blah blah blah.

Take no notice, it hurts like fuck to see another woman, especially if she was the ow!, having that kind of role in our kids' lives. I left my husband goid riddance to bad luck , there was no other anybody, and, when he finally got together with someone I found it bloody hard.

This is my advice: you don't have to go overboard about her to ds. Obvs don't be negative but you don't have to be all jolly ffs. Say a lot of 'how nice!' 'You really did have a lovely time didn't you!' then start talking about what's for tea.

Also, try not to ask questions about her eg what colour is her hair/does she cuddle you/exactly HOW does she cuddle you unless absolutely necessary eg factual, to do with plans eg. It's bloody hard not to ask but you musn't.

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
seventeen · 04/05/2015 19:54

Thanks for the reply Witch.

All these silly thoughts are rushing into my mind tonight like what if I'm the dull boring one who nags about homework and tidying his room, whilst she's the fun interesting one who does all the nice stuff with him once a week.... What if he has more fun there..... etc etc.

It's the idea that anyone seeing them in the street would think he's hers and his child that absolutely makes me feel sick Hmm. He was only a tiny baby when they started the affair so if she sticks around he'll have known her "forever" too as well as me, iyswim.

Argh, I don't know. I need to think about something else!

OP posts:
Original poster
seventeen · 04/05/2015 19:57

Thanks springy for the sage advice!

We never discuss his dad at home at all really, so it'll be the same with ow. He's a total waste of space, not in touch at all except on "his" days (and when paralytically drunk) and ds has no photos etc of him around so his dad's sort of ended up being packaged away as a once a week thing.

I know this will be harder to maintain as DS gets older but I hope it'll stay more or less like that! Not that DS feels he can't discuss them, but I certainly don't bring it up.

God it's so hard.

OP posts:
HeadDoctor · 04/05/2015 20:00

The only way I could deal with it was by viewing it through my DCs eyes. I could never forgive her for helping to cause the break up of my marriage, for purposely falling pregnant in my bed, for playing happy families before I'd even left the marital home but she is a good enough stepmother. It's taken time, venting and lots of angry rants (in private) but I can tolerate it now. I want my DC to be happy and not caught in the middle so I have worked really hard at this.

Original poster
seventeen · 04/05/2015 20:03

Thank you Head, can I ask how old your children are and how long you've been divorced?

I'm so mixed up about it as ds's dad was horrid to me and truly if he came crawling back on his hands and knees I wouldn't have him, he makes my skin crawl.

Actually I originally liked her (I knew her before the affair) and I don't blame her at all really. Well, I kind of do but he's the one I'd happily mow down in the car if I thought I could get away with it...Smile My overwhelming thought about her is why the hell is she with that loser!

But for some reason the idea of her with my kid makes me want to punch things.

OP posts:
Original poster
seventeen · 04/05/2015 20:04

Thank you Head, can I ask how old your children are and how long you've been divorced?

I'm so mixed up about it as ds's dad was horrid to me and truly if he came crawling back on his hands and knees I wouldn't have him, he makes my skin crawl.

Actually I originally liked her (I knew her before the affair) and I don't blame her at all really. Well, I kind of do but he's the one I'd happily mow down in the car if I thought I could get away with it...Smile My overwhelming thought about her is why the hell is she with that loser!

But for some reason the idea of her with my kid makes me want to punch things.

OP posts:
Original poster
seventeen · 04/05/2015 20:04

Oops sorry for the double post!

OP posts:
2boys2girls · 04/05/2015 20:07

It does hurt but the main thing is if the ow is nice, my dc loved my ex's dp and even though she was the reason to the break up I was just pleased she treated them lovely,I would have hated it if she resented and acted like a wicked sm to them,

Original poster
seventeen · 04/05/2015 20:11

That's true, thank you for that perspective.

I'm sure she's brilliant with my DS. I just have to push the "playing mummies" scenario out of my head, or try to SmileHmm

I don't want what she has, I just wish she'd fuck off and play nicely with someone else's children!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/05/2015 20:23

She might be 'playing mummies' but, she's not their mummy, you are. She's 'playing', you're DOING.

Great advice on this thread and yes, if you can think of it as one more person who is kind to them in their lives then that's what matters - they'll always be coming home to their mum, you!

2boys2girls · 04/05/2015 20:46

Just think how awful it would be if she didn't "play mummies" and was strict cold and callous...
As others said she only gets to play it you are it :-)

2boys2girls · 04/05/2015 20:55

I used to positively talk about her and him as I never wanted my children to feel pulled between me and them, I actually got on OK with her,better than my ex who was a hard man to reason with, he to hardly had any contact with me and it finally dwindled to nothing about 2years in, that's when he stopped contact with dc's as well, believe me you will be the better parent in this and your DC will see this in yrs to come

ScrambedEggAndToast · 04/05/2015 21:22

"It's the idea that anyone seeing them in the street would think he's hers and his child"

^^

This is what I always used to think. Luckily, DS never sees his dad now so I don't have this worry. However, I look to the future, to occasions like DS's wedding and imagine his dad there taking centre stage, like he's been there for the whole of DS's life (he's basically ignored him since he was 5) I've already decided that I'm going to wear a huge hat and whack him with it GrinGrin

HeadDoctor · 04/05/2015 21:26

She will never be their mummy. And as a PP said, far better that she is loving, caring etc (like an aunt, perhaps) than distant and cold.

My DC were a similar age to your son when my marriage ended (one a bit older, one a bit younger). It's been seven years now. She doesn't parent in the way I would but she's better at some things than I am. Now I see it as the more loving, caring adults my children have around them, the better. You'll get there. It's bound to hurt at first.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/05/2015 21:34

She wasn't the OW but I remember the agony of another woman being in DC's lives. And how insecure I felt.

The pain will go away - it really will.

What you will realise as time goes on, is that you are MUM, that is irreplaceable, that is the most important thing - especially with a wastrel Dad! - and no one else comes close. Have confidence - your child knows who his mum is and always, always will.

Findingme40 · 04/05/2015 21:45

I see my sons step mum as a positive addition to his life. We're different, I'm good at some things, she's good at others. I'm glad he has more people to help care for him. When he was younger I was singing at an event and I saw my son sitting on her lap. I realised we were lucky to have someone else care about him.

YourKidsYourRulesHunXxx · 04/05/2015 21:50

Homewrecking tramp

Sorry, just had to.

I have no advice, other than you have my sympathies.

springydaffs · 04/05/2015 22:12

So your throat didn't tighten then, Finding, and you didn't sound like a wailing cat?

That would be me then. I was slaughtered when dd had to retune her violin bcs she'd been practising with erm her father's wife. Who turned out to be musician extraordinaire ffs with ONLY an electric keyboard ; on top of eye-wateringly successful career following fucking Oxbridge ffs. I had thought to myself 'at least dd and I have music'. The bloody woman was good at everything.

At least I have a proper piano.

honeyroar · 04/05/2015 22:48

As a stepmum, can I just say that your child will be talking to her about mummy all the time and all that they do with mummy. She will feel an outsider, always on the edge of the family that she's "playing at" (as someone cruelly put it!). She won't want to be their mother (they already have one) but she will be trying as she won't want the child to feel uncomfortable with her and not want to spend time with their dad. Over time it will all become boringly mundane. She may be loved by your child, but she will never be as loved as you. And it's hard for her sometimes.

Lurgano · 04/05/2015 23:44

Good points from PPs - only thing to add - is if your ex is such a twunt - then maybe his oh is an important buffer for your son in his relationship with his Dad. Maybe she dilutes or makes the contact better than if it were just dc and ex - possibly. But it is v v hard. I took my ex back as I could not bear my dd with his gf.

JaceyBee · 04/05/2015 23:53

I also just feel glad that she's nice to my dcs and they're happy with her and their dad. She's a sweet girl really, dull as fuck mind you Wink

It's been 4 years since their dad and I split, she's been on the scene since before then but it's all water under the bridge now and I don't give a shit that she was the OW tbh

textfan · 05/05/2015 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
seventeen · 05/05/2015 06:32

Thanks all, I do feel better, a bit Smile

I'm going to save this thread and pull it out for emergencies!!

OP posts:
hesterton · 05/05/2015 06:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.