How do you get over seeing your kids with the ow?

[seventeen]

I'm happily divorced and have been so for a couple of years.

I have a DS who sees his dad once a week and EOW.

He's now 3 and becoming more verbal every day. He got home last weekend and was full of chat about "daddy and ow". It's the first time he's ever mentioned seeing her and to be honest it was like a kick in the gut when I least expected it.

His dad and I don't talk at all due to past issues. I suppose it's been easier for me as he goes off, I hear nothing, I know nothing and up to now he tells me nothing when he gets back.

So from now on obviously he's going to be full of news about what he's done and it's going to involve her. I know he has fun there and I'm glad about that, I need some strategies for hiding the fact that it's like a kick in the face. How do I support? How do I act? What do I say?

Thanks

DC used to shout, "she's not my mother" when people said anything.

(Entirely unprompted, I like her very much!)

People love their mothers. They just do. Even horrible mothers (which you are not) are loved by their kids. You'll always be number one in their world.

My kids used to jump down the throat of anyone who assumed their father's wife was their mother. They HATED it.

I'm trying to hold back on getting into a scrap but if you marry/couple-up with someone who has kids from a previous relationship you just do accept you're very probably going to come way down in the kids' hearts. Why should anyone want to be significant? Love may grow but it's not a prerequisite: we can be (very) kind and loving but that's par for the course surely??

When my exH left, so many people told me:
They'll break up soon
Karma will get him
The kids won't like her
It won't be happy families
Etc etc

The HARDEST thing for me is that none of that was true. They didn't break up, they're good together and my kids like her.
I can now see that's a good thing but it really, really hurt at first.

Tough one. I have a colleague who has just got together with a chap who has a son. This colleague is a bit of a queen bee/narcissist and keeps posting things on her FB like " me and my baby boy out doing xx" and "loving parenting my baby" plus parenting memes etc. I think it's highly inappropriate somehow. She's not known the father that long and it must be gut wrenching for the real mother :(

I think the best thing to do is just trust your children will always love you more. It's good that they get on well with their step mum, but in my experience the relationship is more like your cool aunt rather than a deep bond.

Skipton I'd be absolutely raging at that. It's so grotesquely mean and unfair.

Head everyone said that to me too - it won't last two minutes, etc etc. they've now been together about as long as we were. Good luck to her frankly, I can't quite believe he's any nicer to her than he was to me. Hey ho, not my problem!

Springydaffs of course step parents should accept they're down the pecking order!! I do. I was just pointing out that it's not all the "playing at happy families" and "being the one they have fun with" that some people were thinking it was. I'd also never refer to my DSS as my son, he isn't. If anyone refers to me a his mum I put them straight and say I'm just his wicked step mum. After ten years of being his step mum I do occasionally post on Facebook when I'm proud of him for doing well in exams etc. He is part of my life.

I just focus on how much I didn't want divorce to mess up my child's head, put any pressure on her.
So whenever she chats happily and openly about her dad's gf (not ow) I think to myself "how wonderful that she is suffering NO angst about what she should or shouldn't say. Which is the best thing.

That's what I remind myself of when she tells me she's been singing "4 in a bed and the little one said" with GF and GF daughter

Then I think we're on the same page, honey

I have to come clean and say this is a touchy subject for me (and 40 million others no doubt, both sides) bcs ex's wife went about things in a very similar way to Skipton's revolting story. She of the had absolutely everything on a golden platter I posted about above. Everything except my kids. No reflection on you and others like you, honey - you'd be hard-pressed to come close to that woman.

I think it must make a huge difference if the other woman is actually the OW. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. Makes me want to cry just to think of it.

Yes springy, I think when it's the ow it very much feels like she has stolen not only your husband but your kids too.

Probably similar to the ow playing grandmother to my grandchildren.

It does help that she's not liked very much and now my ex has died it'll be interesting to see how long she wants to happy families for.

Probably until she's met her other man ( or victim) as my son so aptly said!

I never had a problem with this. Xp's OW was great with my kids and provided stability XP just couldn't so I was immensely grateful for her care of them tbh. I think you should try and detach and think about it from your DC perspective - this is a person who is now in their extended family and who they are building a relationship with. They shouldn't learn to not talk to you about things so I would try to do a bit of aversion therapy by taking an interest in what they say about her and showing them you support their relationship with her.

And rant elsewhere at other ppl if you need to!

I too feel like the OW has stolen my husband, my children and my life.
And my stbxh wonders why I'm angry.

You fake it till you make it. You decide if she makes your child happy and is good to them during visits then that's alk that's important. It's normal for any mother to feel threatened when another female comes into the picture. My ex got married, she wasn't the OW though so not exactly the same but at times I felt jealous and worried. Over time I gradually accepted things and now I actively talk with my boys about her and I'm not threatened at all. I encourage them to ring their Dad and even to speak with her. I hold the majority of parental responsibly and wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes it feels like all of us are a team. It's taken a long time to get to this place, I often remind myself that alls that is impossible is I do my best as a parent and that my boys know they are my world. Quite often they will fleet between me, my DP, their Dad or step mum been 'flavour of the week'. I'm ok with that now.

U have been through a lot and it may be harder for you with this been the OW. You will get there :)

I have an acquaintance on Facebook who has two step kids that she raves about, lots of photos etc, and she is v. attractive.
I did wonder how the mother feels.

Then on the acquaintance's birthday, I saw a message to her from the mother - a bit older, a bit fatter, saying: '....to the best stepmum my kids could have', and I thought: what a lovely woman you are. You could see she was completely self-confident, happy, so secure in herself that she could be generous...A real inspiration.

Have you personal experience of being in a stepfamily op? Because I think it's harder to imagine the role of a step parent when your own parents have stayed together. My stepfather was kind but didn't discipline or nag, that was my mum's job. He was like a kindly relative. Consequently, when my ex's partner (not ow) started to play a role in my DCs life, I expected the same. I've never worried about people assuming she's their mum any more than I would if DCs were out with my friend.
My DP has children and I do things like brush hair and teeth, but it's pragmatic, it needs doing and I'm there, I'm not playing mummy, I've done all that.
The Facebook postings etc just sound desperate however and a bit weird.
Talk to other step parents and see how they view their dsc, you might get a little reassurance about the roles they are playing in your DCs life

It does. It must be horrible.

I'm glad others don't think I'm over reacting... It just makes me squirm when I see it.

I absolutely understand there will be posts like " we had a great time at the zoo today!' But referring to him as her baby is just not on, imho.

anyway, it's not an argument I'll be sticking my foot in!

It gets better, but you never lose that feeling that she was instrumental in the breakdown of your family. Although logically it was the ex, you still don't really ever fully get over the fact that another woman did that to you and that now she gets to spend time with your kids.

It must be really shitty when it's the ow.
I'm trying to help the posters who are killing themselves imagining their "replacements' in a cosy family scenario. In my experience a parent's partner is rarely acting as a replacement parent, unless the parent is absent or the DCs are very, very young. It's a different role altogether.
Possibly this doesn't help much though if the split was forced on you and you are still trying to process it all . It may help further down the line.