Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's meltdowns over his hobby

150 replies

tommeetippeeaddict · 04/05/2015 08:52

DH has a hobby. Don't really want to say what it is as friends and family know this issue well and all the phrases DH and I use connected to it, so let's just say it's a sport, and he plays it semi-professionally and he is looking to do it full time professionally. So much so that he has given up part of his real life job time to practice to get better at it.

It takes up most of his evenings after work for hours and hours as well as his days off. I'd say we have one day a week where we are "sport free." DH spends most of his time preoccupied with his performance at the sport and is constantly studying adjusting his diet and his sleep patterns to maximise his performance. He dreams about it and it's his main topic of conversation with anyone he meets (yawn).

Tolerable, so far, for me. I find it annoying but it's not a deal breaker for me that my DH is geekily so preoccupied with something... however, and this is where the logical jump for me takes a nosedive, it has got to the point where most topics of conversation are banned because he feels they affect his performance negatively.

I'll try and explain it better..

I can't say as he's going off to do said sport "oh I'll miss you today," or "what time will you be back?" or "can you come home a bit earlier today?" or while he's there "I've had a shit day, can't wait to see you" or simply "miss you." And all variants. He says that anything I say that may provoke any glimmer of guilt in him will affect his performance negatively and that it is my fault if he fails.

We haven't had sex for three months due to how busy he is after work and at weekends with the sport. This morning at 8am the conversation went like this:

Him: "I will go to play sport from 2pm today."
Me: "Oh okay. Will you be back late? I'd really like to have sex with you as I'm quite horny!"

He then has a total and utter meltdown. "I've told you hundreds of times not to have a guilt inducing conversation with me before I go. But you do it every time. You are sadistic. It makes me lose. You want me to fail. You want me to fail at everything I do."

This is not normal, is it?

Cue lots of huffing and puffing and wringing of hands, storming off and then coming back to accuse me of trying to ruin his life. He says I have taken away his appetite, he can't eat or sleep. I have ruined everything. He goes to bed in the dark in the middle of the day and cries in frustration. I repeat over and over again "I just asked a question!"

He's right that he has "told me so many times" the kind of thing that puts him off before he goes and the "rules" I have to stick to, to prevent him from having an epic little boy meltdown. But of course I am not going to monitor my genuine questions and reactions (often practical ones, so I can make dinner or deal with the DC or organise our lives.)

What do you think is going on here? I have, for a long time, thought he has some aspergers qualities. Would this explain anything? I fail to see the logic in his rules because he seems to have the equivalent of a mini nervous breakdown any time anything happens outside the bounds of his "planned" activity and the "rules" of that activity. And it's not just me. He does it with friends and strangers too. Anyone he feels is getting in the way of how he's planned to do something.

But he interprets my failing to see the logic as me being completely against him and trying to ruin his life. Sometimes I go along with the "rules" but then I think this is ridiculous and decide I am free to ask him anything I want. Cue epic meltdowns again.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 05/05/2015 22:33

At least this thread taught me the phrase MAMIL which is what DH so totally is Grin.
Strava is the devil's tool… Hmm

Moln · 05/05/2015 22:37

What does the MIL part stand for, I keep thinking Middle Aged Mother in Law

Which quite frankly makes very little sense in this context!!

RudyMentary · 05/05/2015 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 05/05/2015 22:40

I now have to try and get to sleep with a picture of dh in Lycra...pipe cleaner springs to mind

DidgeDoolittle · 05/05/2015 22:53

I knew it would be cycling.

My parents met through cycling clubs. My earliest memory is of being on a little tartan seat on the back of my dad's bike.
Our house was full of cycling stuff and all their friends were in the cycling clubs. It was all consuming.

My father has described to me how cycling is completely addictive like nothing else. He says that not only is it the achievement etc, but the sheer sense of freedom, that is addictive..

He is now 78 and still cycles 100 miles every Sunday.

Topseyt · 06/05/2015 07:43

My husband loves his cycling and can be rather fanatical about it, but not in the same league as OP's.

He could talk all day about his bikes (has 4). He recently replaced his car with a larger one not due to family reasons, but so that his bike could be lifted more easily in or out of the back.

Unlike OP's husband though, he does have a sense of humour about it, which is a saving grace.

BikeRunSki · 06/05/2015 08:04

MOL MAMIL = Middle Aged Man In Lycra

Topseyt · 06/05/2015 08:45

And yes, we do call him the MAMIL too. The kids think it is a hoot.

Icimoi · 06/05/2015 20:44

How on earth does he think he is going to do this on a full time professional basis he's pushing 40 and is just doing things with his local club? The only possibility would be coaching, but surely for that he would really have had to do a lot of work on things like sports science and have much longer experience of the sport?

PoppyField · 06/05/2015 21:56

Going back to the OP.... whether it is cycling or not, I think the OP's DH is controlling, borderline abusive. She is in the early stages of resistance, followed by punishment, followed by thinking that she might need to abide by his 'rules' for a peaceful or vaguely civilised existence. If she starts to abide by the rules - or else face meltdowns, punishments, guilt-tripping and general all-round criticism - she will start to lose her sense of self, her confidence and her self-esteem. This is the conditioning, the grooming phase. This is what she is (quite rationally) railing against.

Of course, 'why shouldn't she ask a question?' - this is totally reasonable. He is making something that is reasonable into an outrageous and totally selfish request. She, of course, is accused of deliberately trying to upset him, derail his performance etc etc etc. He is making appalling accusations, quite deranged assertions and expecting her to fall into line or face a nightmare of criticism and abuse.

This is not a good way to live. Rather than give in OP - which I think you have no intention of doing, good on you - I think you need to absolutely stand out against him. Not against the hobby, but against the way he is pursuing his hobby to the point that it is destroying your family life and undermining you as an equal partner in this marriage. He is not showing you any respect at all.

He may be mentally ill, who knows? He may have Asperger's traits, he may be on steroids - whatever, this man needs an ultimatum that you will NOT continue to be ordered around like this and you will NOT collude with his ludicrous 'rules'... and that if he continues to do this you will consider ending the marriage. He needs to admit this is a problem, and that he needs to see some sort of therapist and put this right. He needs to recognise that his behaviour (not his sport) is an absolute dealbreaker for you.

PacificDogwood · 06/05/2015 22:08

Hear, hear, PoppyField, couldn't agree more with everything you've said.

YonicScrewdriver · 06/05/2015 22:10

Great post Poppy.

Meerka · 06/05/2015 22:23

His sport does not trump your need to be a real person with a real life instead of just a tool in the background which keeps the food coming, the clothes washed and the sheets changed.

monkina · 08/05/2015 16:45

I agree that his reaction is very odd, and not "normal", for want of a better word.

He sounds as if he could be suffering from anxiety or depression, sleeping in the day, not wanting sex, getting abnormally stressed about things.

Has he always been this intense about things?.....

YellowTulips · 08/05/2015 17:48

He's behaving like an arse.

I think you have got to stop pandering to this behaviour asap regardless of his reaction.

Any attempt to placate him by following the rules is just enabling and legitimising what is quite frankly abusive, controlling and highly selfish behaviour.

I'd point out that if he can't strike a reasonable balance then cycling will be all he has left in his life.

Jollyphonics · 08/05/2015 18:23

This sounds crazy OP.
Presumably if you stop asking questions he will still not become a champion cyclist, and will then have to find something else to blame you for. Perhaps the way you sit, or breath, or walk. Or maybe he'll accuse you of thinking questions even if you're not saying them!
Is he always prone to such feelings of guilt?

welliesinmay · 09/05/2015 09:15

I've not read all the responses but it sounds like he had major anxiety.

I can totally see how this is not an acceptable living environment for you. You know him - has he always been stressy/difficult when under. pressure? I'm just wondering if he genuinely enjoys the sport at all, or is using it as a way to channel stress and anxiety. He clearly thinks this is the be all and end all... Not the most healthy outlook or approach of a married man with children.

Could you sit down and talk candidly about it?

venetiaswirl · 09/05/2015 09:23

Is he off cycling today OP? Does that give you some time this weekend to process things? There's been some insightful posts on here which I expect are hard to read ? Poppyfield's post is worth reading again methinks? How is he with your DC? A bit of an absent father? Or does he involve them in this?

AnyFucker · 09/05/2015 09:26

I wouldn't let someone else's obsession rule my own life like this

It looks there are three "people" in your relationship in this order...cycling, him, you

He might as well have a mistress to tend, that is how much damage he is doing to your marriage

ragged · 09/05/2015 09:28

DH is 40 & has a TT some time this weekend. He's quite pleased when he gets a team prize.

I wonder what will happen once OP's DH is age 40 and enters the next age bracket. He'll be top dog again for a while & then it all fades again as he ages.

He's mentally ill, OP. It's a symptom of his illness that he doesn't want to deal with it.

suzannecanthecan · 09/05/2015 10:02

he does sound 'highly strung'?
But then some people are just prone to being obsessive about things and as said endurance sports can be very addictive.
I am quite obsessive about my various fitness endeavors but my partner doesn't object because he has his own 'things'
If everything revolves around his thing then I guess you just have to weigh it up and say 'what's in it for me, is this relationship more cost than benefit'

I think it is a bit much to say he's mentally ill, some people are just obsessive, if that's the way he rolls then fine but if the OP wants a relationship with more togetherness then it sounds as if their needs are not aligned. ?

SanityClause · 09/05/2015 10:21

So do you blame your DP for your poor performance if he asks you when you'll be back, suzanne? And he accepts that?

suzannecanthecan · 09/05/2015 10:38

My performance is only ever average:o

I don't live with my partner, we have quite a detached set up with fairly separate lives which is how I like it.
I agree he seems extreme and if he wants to devote himself entirely to cycling it seems unfair to expect his partner to want to stay with him. I would say that level of obsession is not compatible with a full time relationship.

I'm very 'into' the things I do but I don't have any particular ability or talent, if I did I may well want to devote myself much more just to realise my full potential ?

suzannecanthecan · 09/05/2015 11:21

OP can always give him an ultimatum
But he might decide he loves his carbon forks the most?...

Clutterbugsmum · 09/05/2015 11:48

I have been tempted to withdraw from speaking to him at all/obeying the rules for a whole month Can I ask what rules he is making you follow.

If they are impacting on your and your DC lives then yes ignore them there is know reason why you should suffer as a family because he wants to ride a bike.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page