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Original poster

DH's meltdowns over his hobby

150 replies

tommeetippeeaddict · 04/05/2015 08:52

DH has a hobby. Don't really want to say what it is as friends and family know this issue well and all the phrases DH and I use connected to it, so let's just say it's a sport, and he plays it semi-professionally and he is looking to do it full time professionally. So much so that he has given up part of his real life job time to practice to get better at it.

It takes up most of his evenings after work for hours and hours as well as his days off. I'd say we have one day a week where we are "sport free." DH spends most of his time preoccupied with his performance at the sport and is constantly studying adjusting his diet and his sleep patterns to maximise his performance. He dreams about it and it's his main topic of conversation with anyone he meets (yawn).

Tolerable, so far, for me. I find it annoying but it's not a deal breaker for me that my DH is geekily so preoccupied with something... however, and this is where the logical jump for me takes a nosedive, it has got to the point where most topics of conversation are banned because he feels they affect his performance negatively.

I'll try and explain it better..

I can't say as he's going off to do said sport "oh I'll miss you today," or "what time will you be back?" or "can you come home a bit earlier today?" or while he's there "I've had a shit day, can't wait to see you" or simply "miss you." And all variants. He says that anything I say that may provoke any glimmer of guilt in him will affect his performance negatively and that it is my fault if he fails.

We haven't had sex for three months due to how busy he is after work and at weekends with the sport. This morning at 8am the conversation went like this:

Him: "I will go to play sport from 2pm today."
Me: "Oh okay. Will you be back late? I'd really like to have sex with you as I'm quite horny!"

He then has a total and utter meltdown. "I've told you hundreds of times not to have a guilt inducing conversation with me before I go. But you do it every time. You are sadistic. It makes me lose. You want me to fail. You want me to fail at everything I do."

This is not normal, is it?

Cue lots of huffing and puffing and wringing of hands, storming off and then coming back to accuse me of trying to ruin his life. He says I have taken away his appetite, he can't eat or sleep. I have ruined everything. He goes to bed in the dark in the middle of the day and cries in frustration. I repeat over and over again "I just asked a question!"

He's right that he has "told me so many times" the kind of thing that puts him off before he goes and the "rules" I have to stick to, to prevent him from having an epic little boy meltdown. But of course I am not going to monitor my genuine questions and reactions (often practical ones, so I can make dinner or deal with the DC or organise our lives.)

What do you think is going on here? I have, for a long time, thought he has some aspergers qualities. Would this explain anything? I fail to see the logic in his rules because he seems to have the equivalent of a mini nervous breakdown any time anything happens outside the bounds of his "planned" activity and the "rules" of that activity. And it's not just me. He does it with friends and strangers too. Anyone he feels is getting in the way of how he's planned to do something.

But he interprets my failing to see the logic as me being completely against him and trying to ruin his life. Sometimes I go along with the "rules" but then I think this is ridiculous and decide I am free to ask him anything I want. Cue epic meltdowns again.

OP posts:
Skiptonlass · 04/05/2015 13:06

Sounds like he is indulging in some magical thinking. He's basically got a superstition / obsession about doing things right or he'll fail (like wearing lucky pants.) that needs to be knocked in the head pronto and you need to lay down the law on him speaking to you like that.

It's absolutely shit to live with someone obsessed with something. I left my partner of almost a decade over this (total obsession with a sport, all holidays, all free time, was taken up by it. It affected everything. It wasn't something I could join in on (I do do this sport, but not to the ultra- endurance level) so I never saw him. Lovely though he was, I had to leave. Just because it's a healthy addiction, doesn't mean it's not an addiction.

Also, re the lack of sex - are you absolutely sure there's not a sporty other woman? I saw a lot of that too.

SelfLoathing · 04/05/2015 13:53

Reducing the time he works at his day job so he can "get better at it" (the sport) doesn't sound like he's ready to play professionally...

Agree.

How old is he? It is realistic he can do this professionally? (and what do you mean by professionally anyway - does it mean competing or does it mean coaching). If you mean competing, it sounds pretty unlikely to me that he's going to get anywhere. Serious competitive sportsmen generally are young and have been doing it from a young age - whatever the sport - think Tiger Woods.

I think you need to sit him down and discuss it with him:

  1. that you find his behaviour in this context upsetting and difficult to deal with so you need to discuss options.
  2. options are- see a sports psychologist; he moderates the time he spends doing this and the way he speaks to you or you split up.
  3. you might want to add into it that he gets a grip and realises he ain't gonna be Usain Bolt.
SelfLoathing · 04/05/2015 13:55

Oh and if the mysterious sport is cycling - watch out. I know of two non-cycling women who's husbands left them for younger women in their cycling club. It seems a middle aged (MAMILs!!!) occupation that men really get obsessed with.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2015 14:14

Not normal. This is no marriage. I'd tell him he sees a GP or we think about time apart.

thenightsky · 04/05/2015 14:20

If his long term goal is coaching, then it sounds like he's the last person to be teaching others. That would require patience which he does not appear to have one jot of.

Pippin8 · 04/05/2015 14:30

This sounds like my BIL. His sport took over his life. When he wasn't playing it, he was watching it on TV.

He roped in his then wife to help out at the sports club & all he talked about was the sport.

Not only was it very boring, it was extremely draining. Eventually, his wife had an affair & they divorced, then he cut all contact with every family member, stating the members of the club were his family.

He then moved 100's of miles away to coach the sport without telling anyone.

Twinklestein · 04/05/2015 16:40

He'd already be out if it were me.

hereandtherex · 04/05/2015 18:34

Is it a sport of another hobby?

If its a physical sport then he is unlikely to achive any professional standing i.e. being paid for it, if he;s over 25.

I would strongly advise anybody to run away from any trying-to-be-professional sportsmen. There's bugger all money in it and the people all tend to obsessive, dysfunctional nutjobs.

My Dad was a semi-professional cyclist. I don't doubt he enjoyed cycling and the fuss and kit involved with it. However, it was just any excuse for him to avoid any responsibility. He ducked out jobs to cycle, leading to eventually being made redundant in his mid 40s and never getting another job again. It drove my Mum's mum up the wall. He then used the excuse of 'training' to avoid any responsibility or being required to do anything he did not want to do.

To be honest, and this is not my Dad experience influencing me, most people who claim to do a sport tend to be the most difficult, self-obsessed, work-dodging skivers I've ever met.

Pollyswall · 04/05/2015 18:38

hereandtherex I think you've got it covered.

worrieddadof2 · 04/05/2015 18:45

He sounds like he has the maturity of a 15 year old, therefore I'm going to take a guess that his "sport" is actually computer games. The "geek" comment could be a major hint.

Jux · 04/05/2015 18:57

Tell him to grow up, and if he won't then he is free to go somewhere where his tantrums make a difference.

Handywoman · 04/05/2015 18:58

So sorry - but what an utter bell-end he is. I'm staggered at the thought that someone would want to have sex with such a man.

Jux · 04/05/2015 19:01

We all got fed up with John McEnroe's behaviour. Your dh needs to learn how to be gracious.

paxtecum · 04/05/2015 19:03

There are many top sports people with MH problems. They have to be so incredibly single minded to get to the top of their game.
Jonny Wilkinson
Dame Kelly Holmes
Victoria Pendleton

I really don't think anyone should aspire to be the best.

Your DH is clearly unbalanced for whatever reason and prefers his dream of success to family life.

Moln · 04/05/2015 19:07

Do we have professional gamers worrieddadof2?

Jux · 04/05/2015 19:07

My dh used to be like about gigs (musician) and rehearsals. It was just a form of controlling behaviour. Once I'd sussed that, it stopped.

GERTI · 04/05/2015 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eddielizzard · 04/05/2015 19:18

what are you getting out of the relationship?

cerealqueen · 04/05/2015 19:21

Your life sounds intolerable.

Does he take any interest in YOU at all?

Do you have children, does he do any parenting?

ROARmeow · 04/05/2015 20:36

You need a medal for putting up with him; he sounds like a prick.

Also, he's being cruel to his kids by neglecting to spend time with them.

If I were you I'd sit him down, maybe with his parents or someone he listens to and spell it out to him in black and white.

bigchangesabound · 04/05/2015 20:53

Showed this to my DH who is big into his cycling and knows a lot about the professionals and their lifestyle- just through interest- and you'll find that this kind of behaviour is actually pretty normal for semi/prefessionals. If you look at a lot of the top sports people, just like a pp mentioned, just thinking of Mark Cavendish, David Beckham, Bradley Wiggins- they all have pretty high levels of OCD and have been known to have a number of 'hissy fits' over performance and towards others over performance.

However, it is obviously not a life you want to lead (and nor should you). You both need to find a time (perhaps his day off) to sit down and discuss this and he needs to think about what he wants- sport or family!

Good luck!

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 04/05/2015 21:34

There are a small number of sports where you can still have hopes of being top level outside the first flush of youth. I guess it's possible DH might be engaged in one of them. He's still being ridiculous though.

cozietoesie · 04/05/2015 21:48

A few, LadyCatherine, I agree - but you generally have to have had some background in them for many years - or to have huge funds available to be able to buy the top level equipment, coaches or (sailing boats are an example) support staff needed to achieve that position.

Maybe the OP should check the accounts as well?

SelfLoathing · 04/05/2015 21:52

There are a small number of sports where you can still have hopes of being top level outside the first flush of youth

I don't think this is true in reality.

Whilst it might be true that there are a few sports (tiny tiny number anyway) where you can achieve top level outside first flush of youth in theory, it is still the case that the people who get there have been doing it for years - think of Kelly Holmes for example who was "old" to get an olympic medal for middle distance running.

The chances of becoming top level if you start super-training as an adult are very very low for all sorts of reasons.

BadgersArse · 04/05/2015 21:53

where the bloody OP