DH's meltdowns over his hobby

[tommeetippeeaddict]

DH has a hobby. Don't really want to say what it is as friends and family know this issue well and all the phrases DH and I use connected to it, so let's just say it's a sport, and he plays it semi-professionally and he is looking to do it full time professionally. So much so that he has given up part of his real life job time to practice to get better at it.

It takes up most of his evenings after work for hours and hours as well as his days off. I'd say we have one day a week where we are "sport free." DH spends most of his time preoccupied with his performance at the sport and is constantly studying adjusting his diet and his sleep patterns to maximise his performance. He dreams about it and it's his main topic of conversation with anyone he meets (yawn).

Tolerable, so far, for me. I find it annoying but it's not a deal breaker for me that my DH is geekily so preoccupied with something... however, and this is where the logical jump for me takes a nosedive, it has got to the point where most topics of conversation are banned because he feels they affect his performance negatively.

I'll try and explain it better..

I can't say as he's going off to do said sport "oh I'll miss you today," or "what time will you be back?" or "can you come home a bit earlier today?" or while he's there "I've had a shit day, can't wait to see you" or simply "miss you." And all variants. He says that anything I say that may provoke any glimmer of guilt in him will affect his performance negatively and that it is my fault if he fails.

We haven't had sex for three months due to how busy he is after work and at weekends with the sport. This morning at 8am the conversation went like this:

Him: "I will go to play sport from 2pm today."
Me: "Oh okay. Will you be back late? I'd really like to have sex with you as I'm quite horny!"

He then has a total and utter meltdown. "I've told you hundreds of times not to have a guilt inducing conversation with me before I go. But you do it every time. You are sadistic. It makes me lose. You want me to fail. You want me to fail at everything I do."

This is not normal, is it?

Cue lots of huffing and puffing and wringing of hands, storming off and then coming back to accuse me of trying to ruin his life. He says I have taken away his appetite, he can't eat or sleep. I have ruined everything. He goes to bed in the dark in the middle of the day and cries in frustration. I repeat over and over again "I just asked a question!"

He's right that he has "told me so many times" the kind of thing that puts him off before he goes and the "rules" I have to stick to, to prevent him from having an epic little boy meltdown. But of course I am not going to monitor my genuine questions and reactions (often practical ones, so I can make dinner or deal with the DC or organise our lives.)

What do you think is going on here? I have, for a long time, thought he has some aspergers qualities. Would this explain anything? I fail to see the logic in his rules because he seems to have the equivalent of a mini nervous breakdown any time anything happens outside the bounds of his "planned" activity and the "rules" of that activity. And it's not just me. He does it with friends and strangers too. Anyone he feels is getting in the way of how he's planned to do something.

But he interprets my failing to see the logic as me being completely against him and trying to ruin his life. Sometimes I go along with the "rules" but then I think this is ridiculous and decide I am free to ask him anything I want. Cue epic meltdowns again.

The OP lit the fuse and ran away

Has any of this been helpful to you, tommee?
Come back and tell us what the 'sport' is.

It could be darts.

It could be darts.

That explains everything.

is constantly studying adjusting his diet and his sleep patterns to maximise his performance

= drinking more pints and sleeping in all day.

I am here. I have just been depressed by the (great) answers to be honest.

We are still ok financially with DH's reduced hours at work. If we were not I feel like it would make it more obvious to him that his obsession is destroying us. But as it is, everything else is very much the same and balanced.

I have been tempted to withdraw from speaking to him at all/obeying the rules for a whole month so that he sees that he STILL fails/loses, whatever I say or do. But of course that is not practical for me either.

I like the idea of a sports psychologist. DH once went to a therapist to deal with how his guilt was very highly triggered by his family (MIL mainly who would constantly emotionally blackmail him.) I think he feels that I am doing the same but I am not! He is just so easily triggered.

He believes in therapy, but I'm sure he'd only go with me to "prove that his theory is correct," and then find a reason why the sports psychologist did not know enough about his sport and therefore any opinions would then be disregarded.

Which is cycling by the way.

No he was not like this when we first got together. He still did it but to a lesser extent. Then he had some success and became obsessed and is now trying to reach and maintain those goals again.

He is approaching 40. It's not that he thinks he's going to be some famous cyclist, it's just his achievements within the club he cycles with and their trips, and the bikes, and on and on...

I am bored to death of talking about it. The fact that this thing has such precedence in our life. Every day it's a conversation topic.

Which is cycling by the way.

I'm not surprised. Seriously, read my post above about cycling. Watch out. It is notorious for affairs and men hooking up with younger women in their club who are as "into cycling" as the MM and "understand them".

Can you develop a fake obsession with, I dunno, Morris dancing, and talk about it all the time?

Nope, I'm not surprised it's cycling either - so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Many endurance sports encourage and attract people with 'addictive' personalities - the endorphins released by high-level endurance activities are just as addictive as opiates.

I think it is also interesting that somebody posted about how an obsessively pursued activity can allow somebody to not fully engage in family life: it's like an excuse to not have to be present as a husband or father .

I think if he is amenable to the idea of therapy, that would be a start.
I really don't think you 'obeying' the rules would change anything at all.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP, I knew it would be fucking cycling
It happened to me, talking about cycling all the time, < boring as hell>
Going out all day, on the one day we were both off together, ended up leaving the family for a younger woman from the local club, he is 50 years old and a tragic MAMIL.
Don't put up with this awful treatment, he is an idiot.

I pretty much guessed it would be cycling. My poor neighbour endures her DH doing this. She always seems to be on her own. He is never there. When he is there, he's pounding away at his static bike in the garage (which they cannot fit their car into due to bikes!

(are you my neighbour?)

tommee I'm married to a club cyclist. He goes out on a club session about once a week, out by himself about once a week and might race on a Sunday. A couple of times a year he'll go away for a week end cycling. A lot of weekends we'll go cycling as a family, complete with baby seat/tag-along/trailer. DS and I are also involved in the club (Ds, 6 is in the Juniors section, does the odd races and goes to skills sessions); dd is a groupie, but only 3.

Like your DH, mine is a few werks off his 40th. This is significant for cyclists as it puts them in the "vets" category, and they become fit youngsters amongst old blokes! DH is looking forward to it, he reckons there will be less expectation on him! I suspect this may have trigger something in your DH too.

He does seriously need to look at his behaviour, priorities and relationships. I know many, many serious club cyclists who have "normal" family lives, it is quite possible, but sadly also many who don't. And as someone up thread said, beware the young girls in Lycra.

the garage (which they cannot fit their car into due to bikes!

This is why we bought our house! We ususlly have 6 or 7 adult bikes and assorted children's bikes in it.

The ones I was thinking of were darts, archery and maybe golf, rather than the Kelly Holmes style late bloomer in a younger person's game. Surely even longer distance cycling isn't on that list though, at nearly 40? I know endurance sports have a higher percentage of people being successful in late 30s, but it still seems unrealistic. Unless he is aiming for the vets category as pp said.

I thought it would be golf.

Could he move out for a month, so he has no 'interference' and monitor his performance? Dangerous game though, if he sees any improvement or either of you prefers it.

Otherwise, he needs to see a therapist and identify how to carve out space for family time and interactions. He can't continue his (probably very comfortable and convenient) life without taking part in the family? He needs to recognise that and work out how to fit it in. He's treating you like a hotel and that can't last.

There wasn't meant to be a ? there.

He sounds like someone who's made a colossal mistake and is now freaking out about it looking for any excuse to blame someone that is he isn't good enough

How do you know he's any good ? I wonder if all this support and encouragement has meant he has bitten off much more then he can chew its is only a minority who are good enough to go pro.

Either way your life time to take charge and tell him to back the faff off. Heres our life you knew this when you started this "hobby" I expect this from you and close the door on any discussions.

Agree with Paddle. I think he knows he's not good enough and is too old to get anywhere so blaming you is the easy option. The arguments also mean he can storm out and pedal off in his little hissy huff.

My DP is a musician, once pro but then local bands. Most dates would be spent at gigs or rehearsing, not as glamorous as it sounds. He 'retired' at 40. I mentioned to him the other day of when I had an abscess and needed a dentist or hospital immediately. He got me some painkillers then went off to a gig. He was horrified about his behaviour back then, feels awful about his 'old' self. Maybe yours will 'come back' to you. I would worry about the demanding you don't text him or give him guilt. It's not hard to turn your phone off - or leave it at home, I'd worry about what the other posters said about young female cyclists. Something doesn't add up here.

So OP. What exactly are the rules. What are you living under? Is there any room for negotiation? Do the kids have to obey them?

Is everything else OK in your life/lives? Is he unhappy about anything else (turning 40/work?)? I can remember getting quite obsessed with running when other things weren't going well for me. As pps have said, counselling may help. It did for me but about other areas of my life rather than the sport itself.

One thing I wouldn't worry about is the other women issue. DP is a cyclist (we have 3 bikes in the dining room) and goes on club runs etc. There are about 5% women in the club and only one in the top groups. Of course, it could happen but I think it very unlikely, knowing the cyclists (male and female) that I do.

BTW Rudy does your DP go loopy when he loses a KOM on Strava? Mine certainly does. He actually once went out at 10pm to go and regain one of them (he did it though!).

Geez, he is being an utter cock. (but you know this)

My DH is of the cycling brigade, he is 40 & bloody good at it (came 3rd and got KOM in his most recent sportive). However, despite being a bit of a grumpy bugger in general, he has never ever had a tantrum/hissy fit, whatever regarding cycling; he also fits it in around family time. I'd add to the PPs calls for him to see a sports psych.

I think I'm differing in saying he should see a general counsellor rather than (or as well as) a sports one. His problem is with fitting life into his sport, not the other way around. Though, yes, handling his anxieties within the sporting mode might be useful to him too, so as to improve his performance, which isn't really your concern.

Would he see someone to investigate aspergers? There must be a lot of useful materials and support out there to help him understand why his view of things doesn't make sense to other people.

Also, why now? Is this a mid-life crisis, a last ditch attempt to be his best? Or is he checking out of family life? Why? Does he see the DCs as your hobby?

Really, he's not going to get better with age, so any attempt at professionalism (which sounds far fetched, frankly) has a very short shelf life. Very soon, he's going to have to acknowledge this is a hobby only and that it gets the same priority within the family as anyone else's hobby or leisure activity.

And if your leisure activity is 'having a social life, enjoying books and films and relaxing', yes that does count as being of equal value and deserving of equal time, priority and accommodation by others. Just because it's less easily summarised in one word and not about performance and obsession does not make it - you, your wants and needs - less important. Call it 'living', 'social engagement' or 'seeking fulfilment as a human being'.

christ these grown men need to take alook at themselves, king of the bloody mountain indeed

For feck sake he has reduced his working hours to pretend to be Chris Hoy...he's nearly bloody 40, it's a hobby not a bloody profession

Time for him to get his priorities sorted or he can get on his bike....permanently