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Family feud stressing me out!!

112 replies

sugarlips2015 · 04/05/2015 01:32

Hi

I don't have children (a sore point, very much a factor in this story) but I know this is an active forum. I'd appreciate any advice about how to deal with the sister in law from hell and the way she's poisoning family relations.

I've been with my partner for 17 years. For the 1st 10 years I had a great relationship with his close knit family of mum, dad, two sisters and a brother. I have nearly no immediate family so the upset in this dynamic had hit me hard...

When his brother met his now wife relations went down hill within a a few months. Initially, I got cross with her and we had words when she cancelled plans we had with them for the EIGHT time. I'm talking her texting me last min as I'm stepping into a taxi to pick her up. The final time when I told her she was rude was when they were supposed to come visit me when I'd moved away for work, they text, last min, with conflicting excuses and she said 'well why would we want to drive 150 miles to see you when we work hard all week?'. Charming!

A few months went by and Xmas came. A week before I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis aged just 26 which she'd been told about by MIL. We had both told our MIL that we wanted to forget about the words we'd had. But she didn't. She had our in laws visiting two pubs opposite each other on Xmas eve to see their sons separate (she was 5 months pregnant by then and said she it was too much for her to cross the road!!!). Then I got an FB message on Boxing Day calling me a 'sh&t stirrer' keeping the brothers apart because we went to the inlaws in the afternoon (we do every year) and they went round in the evening. I said how dare she attack me when I've just had bad news. She said 'we all have health scares I had precancerous cervical cells but I don't harp on about it!)

A few days later I messaged my bro in law/her boyf to say happy birthday then realised I'd been blocked from his FB. I emailed him and he admitted it was her but he'll stand by her. I called him gutless and told him where to go. I was so upset that people in my family could kick me when I was down and feeling vulnerable right after the bad news I'd had. My boyfriend refused to say anything to his brother, I felt bullied while I was ill - deep down that caused resentment between us.

Right I'll try summarise the following 8 years! ... The two brothers barely saw each other anymore. I'd asked for an apology and she said she had nothing to apologise for. Bizarrely I thought (I felt it was a set up) they asked my boyf to be godfather when first kid was born but as we weren't speaking and we felt she should apologise we never went to the christening. Perhaps we should have but I was hurt over the previous Xmas.

I tried to get along with she did nothing to help me warm to her. For her kid's 1st bday my partner went and I passed on my apologies for not going (I was in work 150 miles away) but bought a present. She sent messages me an attack to say my boyfriend could only be bothered to come for an hour and I could couldn't be bothered at all (charming, you're welcome for the present!). This became a reoccurring theme and we were regularly accused of not making the effort with the kids (that we didn't pop round to see the kids and how nasty she is to us was obviously connected!)

Over the next 4 years or so, we largely didn't speak and the parties/gatherings in this once close knit family grew fewer. One time, on my suggestion, we met up and myself, my partner, his brother all apologised and we'd have moved on but she refused and said her boyfriend had nothing to apologise for either, so another year went by not talking (then they'd moved in opposite us!!). She shouted after us that the whole family inc MIL was on her side!!! Soon after, she came into our MIL's house and she saw me holding her child. She messaged me to say I was not to do that and I said you can't ban me because your kid is often at MILs and I go there. She said she could!

They had a 2nd kid. I made the move to get us all taking again. We went to the christening (partner not asked to be godfather this time even though we're speaking, hmm). They planned their wedding and we read about it 5 weeks before on Facebook. I told her that was kinda rude not to wait till we'd been told in person and it all kicked off again. They'd organised it quick as her father had terminal cancer, but we found out from the best man he knew about it 4 months before. My boyfriend had booked a £500 holiday with friends on the wedding day (wouldn't have if he'd been in the loop). He's have cancelled but we felt so uninvolved/uninformed. Then she had her hen do and invited all girls in the family but me. My boyfriend decided they will never treat us with respect so we didn't go.

Some months later her dad died and I made the first move again and baked her brownies. For 2 years, finally, it seemed we'd put the past behind. We had more barbecues as a family. We even went to their house for some. We played with their kids (we've always bought them Xmas/birthday presents). We weren't best friends but we could chat pleasantly at gatherings. I found out her hubby's friend said to my boyfriend in the pub, 'how come you don't do anything with your nieces, I take them out more than you do!' Clearly slagging us off! Fuming but I kept offering to take them out. She kept saying yes ok but it never happened.

Then, just before Xmas, my partner asked his brother if we could start taking his nieces (now 4 and 2) on days out. The bro said yes and a trip to the park was arranged. Then the sister in law blocked it. We can't ever win! I asked her why and she said she didn't trust us with her kids! I told her how insulting. My partner and I babysat all his sisters kids (my partner is a bit older than me, mid 40s!). She also posted a passive aggressive picture post on Twitter that same day saying "I'm a mother and I will do ANYTHING to protect my children and nothing will stop that". She denied to the rest of family that was aimed at us. My boyfriend is fuming. Protect implies we're a danger!

Then we bumped into them leaving the in-laws as they came in. We all said hi except her. She blanked us completely. Then Xmas came. Again we were the bigger people and bought them all presents. The MIL passed them on. We didn't even get a card back. I saw my bro in law in a shop and he virtually ignored me and a message from me about chipping in for his mums surprise 70th birthday weekend away wasn't replied to.

We've just had enough of this. We told his brother the day we asked about the park trip, that we planned to adopt this summer and we said it would be nice for our future kids, and his kids, as cousins to play together and we told him social services would analyse our family set up and want to meet everyone. He asked for his "support" (I.e. No drama) and he said yes. Now this. Gee that girl likes go kick me when I'm down or stick the boot in at a key time like this!!!

What I'm even more upset by is my mother in law's reaction. I'd detected a long time ago that she was siding with them (as the SIL once told me). Just a subtle tone and the fact she was always defending her. (E.g It was in black and white her banning me from being around her kid but MIL said I'd misunderstood). We're getting married in 6 months and I wrote them the sis and bro-in-law a letter to say we'd like then to be part of it, and we're adopting too, but we need an apology and to be treated with more respect. I also acknowledged we should have gone to their wedding. No reply.

The MIL said she felt awful passing on the letter, but a few weeks before had no qualms ringing up her son, my boyfriend, to say it's a good idea if we spend time around nieces supervised with her to start off with! She reckons SIL is just being 'overprotective' not nasty and we just need to gain her trust. I pointed out she's told me via FB "forget it (seeing the kids) after all the crap we've had from you its never going to happen. Then MIL blurted out 'well look who started this'!!!!!!!!!! She also said SIL said (like it was gospel) she saw my at the shops and waived at me but I blanked her (total lie, she is blanking me, grr! Why can't she see she's manipulating her to pretend she's sweetness and light!!)

My partner stormed out, mad. I went to but she burst out crying, sobbing about how she's stuck in the middle. I was fuming but hugged her! But since I've been too mad to speak and 2 months have gone by. My boyfriend has been to see her on his own and I've asked for her not to call round/the house while I'm still mad about what she said. No apology.

Another thing we noticed. She used to pop in to see my elderly gran (my only family) say once a fortnight and that stopped abruptly 6 months ago. It's like we're being shut out. My boyfriend said this to her and she went to see her since I've not been speaking to her her (still mad though!).

Then she's promised to bake a pie for my boyfriends bday last week. She forgot and he had had to remind her a week later (again, doesn't feel focussed on us). Then she baked it straight away and said he could collect it but his bro and the kids go round every Sunday so my partner said he'd come round after when his bro had gone. Then she huffed and slammed the phone down on him! Like its his fault he feels so uncomfortable!!

I am FUMING. This latest trouble is clearly one person's fault - the sister in law and the mum has her blinkers on. Why? There's only one explanation - she's provided her with two grandkids who she dotes on and we haven't (we can't have kids naturally). It presses so many of my buttons. The trouble caused when we're adopting, that we have less power as were childless (feels like she can get away with murder), that SIL has spoilt so many family gatherings for us (when this is the only family I have). Now MIL has turned on us, we have no other grandparents to rely on. It's not enough with SIL that we don't get on and we could just tolerate each other, she has to poison all relationships, between two brothers, son and mum, me and bro in law, U.S. and our nieces, our future kids will have NO cousins at all. She's obsessed with making out we don't do anything for her kids but truth is we're not allowed and she won't admit that to MIL!!

I'm so angry and I'm shouting at my partner that his mum is banned from our wedding. He agrees and feels so let down but doesn't want to go all guns blazing. I'm just so depressed that this feels like the stress caused by her goes on forever and we can't escape it.

Sorry this is so long, you know when you need a rant! Any advice please?

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Phoenix0x0 · 04/05/2015 07:19

Great post from sausage, which I couldn't have written better myself.

I am not sure what part of the adoption process you are at; I assume from your post that it is in the initial stages, so you are not quite at the homestudy stage.

The homestudy is hard/stressful as the SW will unpick elements of you, your life and your relationships (previous partners, friends and family).

Someone said upthread, not to mention your SIL...personally, I would be open and upfront about this.

Being estranged won't hinder your application, I know many adopters that don't have a relationship with mum/dad/sister/brother. However, the SW will want to see that you are at peace with it and how you came to be at peace.

Adopting is hard. You have to accept that you will never have your own biological child, but also parent a child that has suffered a difficult start in life, trauma, abuse and many changes of primary carers.

When a child is first placed, it's not all rainbows and lollipops.

When my DC was first placed, I was rejected as DC wanted to be held only by my DH and often the SW. Our DC would scream all the time, through fear and anxiety. Sometimes when we were at a mother/toddler group our DC would sit on strangers laps (and no it's not normal for a child who has been with you for two months to do this) and crawl away if I came near.

I mention this as the stress of those first six months/to a year can result in some couples separating or in my own case caused a rift in my own family.

I will end with this. Stop being mad at your MIL. Tell her you understand that she is in a difficult position and that you have not reacted well because of the stress you are under. Your SIL sounds difficult I would just accept that you won't have the relationship that you want with her.