What is happening to my life?

[SomeoneHelpMe]

I have set up a mumsnet account just for tris purpose. Someone please give me a bit of perspective. Am I being silly and a total or drama queen or is this as terrible as it feels?

My husband, who I love so very very much, recently told me he doesn't love me. It is his 'go-to' line every time we argue. When he says it, I can see he means it. He doesn't talk to me anymore, doesn't want to do anything nice with me and is so incredibly distant. He used to be the nicest person I had ever met. Now he is nasty, sometimes quite cruel. He is selfish and self-centred. He barely notices I exist.

After reading a post on here about a woman not coping with her husband's affair, things started to seem ... similar. My husband recently changed all of his passwords on everything and encrypted his phone. He takes it everywhere with him. When I asked him why, he got angry and said that he was just being security conscious and that he would take everything off it - he said he has nothing to hide. I checked it when he was putting our daughter to bed. I know that I shouldn't have but I did. He has been logging into his work email account in the evenings and weekends. The password was already entered so I logged in and found that he clearly is having a ... something ... With a woman from work. He had a week off work at Easter and when he went back there are emails saying she missed him and him telling her that he was thinking about her. She writes things like 'thanks for listening earlier'. They arrange to meet in the kitchen at work and exchange playful/ flirty emails calling each other naughty and cheeky.

I haven't found anything else. He says that this woman brightens his day a bit but that there is nothing else.

But the way he acts makes me feel that there is something really wrong happening her. Without going into detail, something has changed intimately. He treats me like meat. I hate it but I let him because I don't want him to leave me for someone who will let him do these things.

I can't sort myself out. My head is pounding and I haven't slept in two days. I can't eat, can't drink. I can't stop crying. I feel devastated. I feel sad, sick and ashamed of myself.

Please, somebody tell me what the hell is happening. Is this normal? Am I overthinking things? How do I get on with life now?

I agree with Attila. Look to his actions, not his words.

He hasn't taken responsibility for what he did.

You can, and should, still ask him to leave.

I know he needs to go. But then he holds me and kisses me and cries and I can see that there is something still there. I know he must still feel for me.

What if I am giving up a man who is 99% good because of his flaws?

What if I never find anyone else? Will he remarry? Will he try to take my daughter off me? Will she think of some other woman as her mother?

Can I even afford a solicitor? How can I pay rent on my own? What will I do if he takes my daughter at the weekends? I don't want to be alone.

You're looking so far ahead Op, and dreading a future without him. You need to think about today, about right now. He's messing with your head; going out as a family, him crying, you kissing him, you worrying if he's going to make your flesh creep in the future.

Put all that out of your mind just now. You don't need to consider the future, you need to remember what he's said and done in the past and is still doing and saying. As other posters have said, this awful behaviour towards you is not a separate part of him that's suddenly emerged. It is a part of him that he has not allowed you to see as yet.

You have loved him and it's heart breaking. You need him to leave you alone for a while at least, to allow you to be alone with your thoughts. You are an equal in all this. It's your life, your body, your future. He is not in charge, he does not get to call the shots. Maybe you can forgive him, maybe he will be sorry, but that's all to come. If he has any respect for you and you ask him to give you some space, he will. If he won't, he's not prepared to do even that for you.

All this from him is an act, he has shown you no real remorse whatsoever for what he has done. If you think this man actually is 99% good despite his flaws you are spinning yourself a fine line in denial and minimisation. You are lying to yourself.

He still has all the power and control within this and you keep giving all your power to him. Look at how contrary he really is; he is still messing big time with your head.

You need him to go and you need time away from this man to clear your head. You need to tell him to leave.

I think your innate fear of being alone is something that should be discussed in counselling. This is perhaps really why you want him to stay; out of a perceived fear of being alone (abandoned?). You're pretty much alone within this relationship already; he has already emotionally checked out of this and has another woman on the go. He has already met someone else.

Children love parents no matter how rubbish they actually are and his interactions with your DD are not anywhere beyond what I would expect him to do with his DD at this age. He is not a good father to her because he treats you as her mum with contempt and disdain. Women in abusive relationships too often write the good dad comment simply because they can think of nothing positive themselves to write about their man.

She will learn a lot from you both about relationships, what do YOU want to teach her about relationships?. That it is okay for her man to have an emotional affair and treat her like a piece of meat?. You do the pick me dance to keep him. That is what you are showing her currently; you are showing her that this treatment of you is acceptable to you. Its not something she will ever thank you for teaching her.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What sort of example did your own parents show you.

Staying with this man actively stops you from meeting someone decent.

Cross posted with you op.

All your questions are understandable. There are however a whole other set of questions:

What if he does love you and does feel for you but still treats you badly ? Is that a love you can accept, a love that would make you happy ?

Everybody has flaws. Even if "this" is only his 1% flaw it's massive, and would derail the majority of relationships.

What if I never find anyone else ? You found him, and there's a lot of people out there. Even if you don't, or it takes a while, will that be any worse than how you feel now ? Could you feel more lonely than when he's treating you like a piece of meat ?

Will he remarry ? Possibly, but if you're not with him why would it matter ?

Will he try to take my daughter off me ? Do you really think that's likely ? Is he going to give up his job, or be a single parent and juggle his job with childcare ? Why do you think a court would grant him full custody of your daughter ?

You are her mother, full stop. Another woman will be his girlfriend or his new wife.

Most people don't want to be alone. Do you want to live with a man who will ultimately grind your self-esteem into the ground, fill you with self-doubt and make you miserable ?

Let him cry and be sad, you get to be angry.

Attila, what if there is no one decent and I am alone forever? He has always been my best friend.

My parents have been married for 30 years. They aren't madly in love but they seem content enough.

I am ashamed to say that tonight I have put on my sexiest nightie and done my hair how he likes it. I just want him to remember why he loved me in the first place.

I am desperately trying to make this work. I think you hit the nail on the head - I am terrified of being alone. I wouldn't cope.

But I do not want my daughter to think that this is ok. We put on a good act in front of her.

I told him I would like to get us both tested for STIs - I am scared of this strange spotting and have never experienced it before. I am really scared that he has infected me.

You are catastrophising.

I think I have just realised what I am so scared of. I am actually scared of being alone. I don't actually think I do want to tolerate this. But I cannot spend a night alone - I get too scared. I get scared going out without him. I think I actually have a phobia of being alone.

You have made me realise this! Now is there anything I can do?

Wow, I can't believe I didn't notice this before.

I really think you need some time apart from him. A couple of days. Is there anyone you could stay with or have stop over?

How about seeing the doctor to talk about this anxiety?

Have you told anyone about the things he did to you in bed?

Is it going out without him or going out without another person?

It sounds as if you may have some kind of anxiety problem and certainly should be going to your GP for support whilst you try to work through all this.

how do I stop thinking about all of the terrible things that have happened?

You don't. Trying to push them down will only hurt you. You need to feel what's happened, and work it through. You can't change the past.

I can't tell anyone about it, it is too personal. He hasn't been sexually violent. Just demeaning. I don't want to say more than that. Just things that I don't think should happen in normal, loving intercourse.

Tribpot - I am fine going out with other people, it doesn't have to be him. I feel nervous when I go out on my own. When I am home alone at night I get really scared.

No one can stay with me. If he leaves for a few days I would have to be alone (with my daughter too).

Tribpot asks a very good question, is it going out without him or going out without another person that makes you anxious ? Either way this is something you need to think long and hard about, and may well need some professional help with.

How long have you felt like this ? Do you have any idea what lies behind this anxiety ? Does HE make you feel anxious generally ?

If you have an underlying problem maybe he's been the sticking plaster that helped you cope. Now that you can no longer rely on him, you're going to need to address the source of the problem. Your coping mechanism cannot be to stay with a man who is going to make you miserable.

Good points. I have a lot to think about. I think I may actually sleep tonight and have a think about these things in the morning. I think he is just a coping mechanism and I'm scared of losing that.

Thanks everyone.

Ok I get it now. He has to go.

I woke up tearful. He asks, bewildered, what is wrong with me. He is genuinely confused. As if our marital breakdown is all over and forgotten about.

I wake up dressed in his favourite nighties, making an effort to appear attractive and sexy. He wakes up farting and scratching his balls. Not a care in the world.

He is making no effort. I stupidly decided to take sexy photographs of myself. The plan being that I would send them to him every day when he is at work. I thought this would stop him straying. But I looked ugly, fat and covered in stretch marks. I quickly deleted them, but hated that I even did that to please him. I am not that sort of person.

I am so angry now. He has stomped all over my heart and mistreated me, and I am the one falling over myself to sort this out.

I will tell him to leave today. If he can make this better, he can come back. If I still hate him in a couple of days, it's over.

I am actually looking forward to cooking something that I would like to eat tonight. A nice yummy stir fry rather than some gross reformed meat product with a tomato sauce.

I am looking forward to maybe watching a film tonight, rather than ironing his fucking shirts.

Thank goodness you've woken up, someone. Don't delay,mdo not get into a conversation.mhe will only manipulate you again. You are so right, he doesn't really care about what he has done. He doesn't care how much he has hurt you and damaged his marriage.

Make him go and I promise you,myou can be ok alone with dd.

Do it. We will support you.x

It sounds like as a bare minimum you need some time with him away. How dare he treat you like this? Would you treat him in this way?
I think you're on the right road... Don't make excuses for him.

You know this is not right.
You don't want your life to change because he is your first love, the house & home are a first, SAHM. The whole untangling thing is frightening.

But, you need to sort it out NOW, if you do & say nothing it will escalate, & either he will use & abuse you forever.
You must tell him, that it is not working for you. You have no intention on pursuing a relationship with someone who doesn't respect & love you. He needs to be faced with YOUR refusal to accept his behaviour including his infidelity, & to decide if he wants attempt to repair your marriage or leave. This is the beginning of an Emotionally abusive relationship, that you need to take seriously Now. the whole, leaving, staying, changing the goalposts, send off so many alarms to me.
Make a decision to face the man you say you love, say you are NOT going to accept this situation & Believe it.

Sorry, missed the last posts.
Yes, out he goes. then he can attempt to repair, & you can decide if its reparable.
You need to see a doctor asap, for the spotting STI check. & talk about the "being alone" problem, maybe you need some kind of therapy.
Be strong.

You sound stronger already. What was his reaction when you suggested STI checks? (Sorry if You already said and I missed it). You can cope alone, although it's a daunting thought - and you are clearly not in a good place in this relationship now.

I agree, you do sound strong. Remember, you're not asking for the world, you're asking for a couple of days and nights to think about your relationship.

No he isn't having a breakdown, he just can't decide which cake he wants or on which green grass he wants to lay his weary head!!!

He sounds like he's getting you to do sexual things you don't really want to do.

He sounds like a right piece of work!

( I could have written your post. )

Please don't bend yourself into a pretzel to please this guy. He's not worth it.

Someone said this side you are seeing now was just a side he kept hidden. Too right.

There's a good book by John Cleese and robin skinner families and how to survive them. Quite readable. Bits are a bit outdated but there's some good advice there.

cut him loose. Let him go. I dreaded the thought of being alone. Do you know what...I was fine. It's quite empowering to master the things you are scared of.

I went out and came home alone. I travelled abroad on my own. Sorted out my own money, bills and revamped my home.

Once the man I loved had gone I didn't want any substitutions.

Personally...I also think you should never go back. Every time I've gone back it hasn't worked or been disastrous.

Keep posting op but get him to pack his bags. You'll never get your head straight while he's under your roof.

Of course he will want to stay because he loves is child. but you have a life too. He cannot ruin yours to improve his & see his child everyday. Sorry but true. You are young, & will be fine.

Fucking fucking fucking hell I am a total fucking idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I actually hate myself completely now.

I'm sorry everyone, but despite my better judgement I let him schmooze me again. I asked him to leave, several times. He laughed, he cried, he begged. He made promises. He would never lie again, he would never treat me like a piece of meat again.

He said he would leave his job and work closer to home. He said he is hiding absolutely nothing else. I asked him, very clearly at one point, whether his recent sexual behaviour was down to him changing anything. He has always hated porn and said he has never watched it.

He cooked me dinner tonight, lit candles and promised me that he would not take things further with the whore from work and that he would not do horrible things to me anymore.

We sat and kissed and watched a bit of telly and some YouTube videos of the funniest clips from 'Friends'. I just needed cheering up.

We we're watching the clips on his laptop. I said, without even really meaning it, that I would like to check his laptop to see if there were any more signs of his misdemeanours. He said that I wouldn't find anything. I opened up the browser and found a strange bookmark. I can't remember the title but it was something to do with money. I clicked on it, I don't have a clue why. It was hardcore graphic porn.

I know that lots of men look at porn, but he lied and lied and lied some more! He says he has no idea what it is. He has never seen it before.

He is an IT professional. I don't believe him for a fucking minute. How many times is he going to lie to me? Why is he lying here about everything?

We spent he day taking our daughter to the park, playing with her, talking through things and trying to get on track again. Why am I so stupid?! Why?!

I can't believe I let him touch me again. I feel sick.

I so badly wanted him to leave this morning but he just wouldn't. I don't know why he has this hold on me. I felt so strong and then before I knew it he was kissing and cuddling me again.