What is happening to my life?

[SomeoneHelpMe]

I have set up a mumsnet account just for tris purpose. Someone please give me a bit of perspective. Am I being silly and a total or drama queen or is this as terrible as it feels?

My husband, who I love so very very much, recently told me he doesn't love me. It is his 'go-to' line every time we argue. When he says it, I can see he means it. He doesn't talk to me anymore, doesn't want to do anything nice with me and is so incredibly distant. He used to be the nicest person I had ever met. Now he is nasty, sometimes quite cruel. He is selfish and self-centred. He barely notices I exist.

After reading a post on here about a woman not coping with her husband's affair, things started to seem ... similar. My husband recently changed all of his passwords on everything and encrypted his phone. He takes it everywhere with him. When I asked him why, he got angry and said that he was just being security conscious and that he would take everything off it - he said he has nothing to hide. I checked it when he was putting our daughter to bed. I know that I shouldn't have but I did. He has been logging into his work email account in the evenings and weekends. The password was already entered so I logged in and found that he clearly is having a ... something ... With a woman from work. He had a week off work at Easter and when he went back there are emails saying she missed him and him telling her that he was thinking about her. She writes things like 'thanks for listening earlier'. They arrange to meet in the kitchen at work and exchange playful/ flirty emails calling each other naughty and cheeky.

I haven't found anything else. He says that this woman brightens his day a bit but that there is nothing else.

But the way he acts makes me feel that there is something really wrong happening her. Without going into detail, something has changed intimately. He treats me like meat. I hate it but I let him because I don't want him to leave me for someone who will let him do these things.

I can't sort myself out. My head is pounding and I haven't slept in two days. I can't eat, can't drink. I can't stop crying. I feel devastated. I feel sad, sick and ashamed of myself.

Please, somebody tell me what the hell is happening. Is this normal? Am I overthinking things? How do I get on with life now?

There is consent to do things you don't want to do in order to keep him

He is a great father and he loves her so so much. I know he does. I think he only stays because he loves being a father and i know he wouldn't want to be apart from her.

So he thinks it is okay to terrorize the mother of this child he loves so much?

You say that there is consent, but if you are doing things that you hate, just to please him, there is something seriously wrong. Does he know you hate it?
My DD is 18 months and I'm 6 (long, hard) months into separation with her father. I could not live with the thought that she would grow up thinking the way our relationship was, is normal. If he is a good father, then he will continue (hopefully) to be a good father, even if you aren't together.
You sound so desperately unhappy, please please see the light and leave him.

OP you say you've never been with anybody else..... but sex should most definitely not be about "letting" someone do something "to" them. Consent isn't just "ok I'll let you" - it's "I want to do this WITH you". The idea of someone even wanting to "do something to" someone else who is not enthusiastic about it, is quite frankly horrifying and disturbing and yes, very rapey. Sex should be something fun, mutually pleasurable, that both parties are enthusiastic about, both parties want to please the other, it's a team sport, not one person using the other person and them being persuaded to "allow" it.

A great father respects the mother of his child, supports her and works with her.

Echoing what others have said. Your husband has, sadly, checked out, emotionally, from your marriage. You are seeing all the signs and it hurts terribly - it's also confusing because he is physically still there and he is giving you confusing signals/mixed messages. However, 99.9% of the time, a man will not physically leave a relationship until they have another one to go to. So they stay for a while, pretending, until they are sure they can move on.

Sometimes marriages do recover when a partner strays but it takes a lot of very clear thinking and hard work. The only times I have seen this happen is when the woman manages to build up her sense of self confidence again. Do open that bank account, in your own name. Think about starting to find work - voluntary or paid - even if you only just cover the costs of a child minder. It will give you experience and confidence to be able to work more in future and be financially independent. Do look up the freedom programme online too - it allows you to explore your relationship and your self confidence, to see if your husband is being abusive, and to challenge behaviours that women too often put up with. And keep on posting here - MN is great and you will get lots of support and wise advice and hand holding in the tough times.

When you are looking and feeling stronger and more independent, your dh may well start to see what he is throwing away, and want you back again. It will be up to you to decide how and whether you can then move forward together.

OP the question was WHY do you think he's a great father. How specifically does he act or what specifically does he do that makes you think this. Because the way he treats you does not sound like a great father figure, and that's only with the briefest of details from a few posts.
I ask this to help you look at the situation yourself.

Hi OP. Actually, he stays because he has a meat puppet/domestic appliance.

Your DD is 15 months old. By my reckoning, you have about 3-6 months before she begins to understand his vile way of speaking to you. She will already be aware of tone and body language. These are very damaging lessons.

Money? Pfft. It's important, but you'd be amazed how very little you can escape on. My cousin did it on a £10 note. She has a much better lifestyle than her cheating exh could ever have given her.

He started when you were pregnant, and he ramped up after the birth, didn't he? That's how it begins. The affair began when he'd crushed you sufficiently.

Now: phone on record at all times, pack a go-bag, get advice and get out.

Courage and strength.

No, he will not change back into the man he was, or at least seemed to be at the time. That man will never exist again. Back then you had no idea he could be so cruel. Now you do. This new him is just as much the "real" him.

Believe what He says. He does not love you any more.

This is not normal, and every day you stay with him with further damage your self esteem.

I know it can be hard to leave, especially when it's your first love, and it can be hard to imagine you would ever meet anyone else or how you would survive. But you will survive. More than that, you can be happy and have a fulfilling life without this man, and although it might seem unimaginable right now, you can meet someone else who makes you happy.

It took my first-love and me 5 years to split up after the point at which it was obvious it was over. We both found it hard to let go. He was treating me very badly. My self esteem took an absolute battering, and I deeply regret staying those extra years now. 15 years later I still haven't quite recovered from the damage to my self esteem, even though those days are long gone, i've had two serious relationships since and am now with a lovely man who treats me well.

You need to get away from this man. Even if you're not ready to leave yet , start making "just in case" plans. See a solicitor (the first hour is usually free) to find out where you stand, find out what your rights are.

Read the book recommended above.

Be kind to yourself xx

Thank you all so much. You are helping, honestly.

I will set up a bank account, I will look at getting back into some sort of work.

I hate the thought that he might up and leave at any moment and that I wouldn't be able to support my daughter and myself.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp - he is a great father. Right now he is sat with her reading books to her. He has played with her cats and trains all morning with her. She adores him. I will never take that away from him. He is a much better father than he is a hudband.

I think he honestly does feel ashamed of himself now. I think something changed him last night and I think he is starting to realise. He said he is leaving because I deserve better. I know he wants to stay though. God I am so confused.

Am I stupid to think that there is a glimmer of hope somewhere here?

What worries me is that I may never trust him again and I may never want to be physical with him again. Can we overcome this?

I think you need space from this man, I also think he needs some serious therapy

If I were you I would all seek some counseling

He is not being a good father. How he treats you will damage your DD as well as you if she's exposed to it.Kids pick up more than we realise.

I know it's terribly unfair, and you didn't ask for or deserve any of this. But that doesn't change the fact that it is happening.

You can't change him, he has made it clear he has no respect for you, but is content to carry on using you. That's not the actions of a decent human being. There's no coming back from that.

At the moment he is treating you like a doormat, and everything is out of your control, which must be bewildering.

Take control of your own life back and protect yourself and your daughter from being further damaged by living this half-life. Get angry, get legal advice and dump his abusive, cheating arse.

When you have a baby you feel vulnerable, especially if you are not working BUT the reality is different.You do have choices and you don't need to tolerate his behaviour.

I think you need to start by defining and communicating to him your boundaries, what you feel is unacceptable is valid.What support do you have from family?

"Am I stupid to think that there is a glimmer of hope somewhere here?"

You're human to think that :)

But it doesn't sound hopeful to me.

It's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in the situation, but if he's said he's leaving, that's the most decent thing he's done that you've written about him so far.

Let him go.

Again, he is not a great father to his child if he has and continues to treat you with such contempt. He still holds all the power in this relationship right down to his staying/going string which he tugs at regularly. If he is really leaving because you deserve better he would have gone by now. He is getting what he wants out of this currently; you at home to cook/clean/wash his pants for him and look after his child and this other woman at work to be emotionally involved with. He is having his cake currently and eating it too. Men tend not to leave a relationship unless concrete plans are in place for somewhere else to go to.

You need to show him what it is like to lose both you and his child. He is still entitled to have a relationship with his DD and I would hope that post separation he would still see her.

I was also going to ask you what you learnt about relationships when growing up. What sort of example did your parents set you and what do they think of him?.

If he tells you he doesn't love you, you have to accept that.

And if he says he's leaving, see him on his way.

I could never be with a man who didn't want me.

Since you seem to want to hang on to him, I also think that is the only chance you have of him seeing what he has to lose and possibly coming back to you. I wouldn't bank on it though sorry.

Coerced consent is not consent. Ie if you say yes, but you are only saying it because otherwise he'd sulk/he guilt trips you/you are scared he will leave then it's not consent. Consent needs to be freely given for it to be genuine consent.

Thanks everyone. If anything, I am just happy to know that I am not being silly and unreasonable.

My head hurts so much that I can't even think anymore. I am going to go and get some painkillers and pack a bag for the day. I want to take my daughter out for the day and do something nice with her.

I think he needs some space today to make his decision. If he wants to stay, I am half tempted to give this another shot. I know what kind of a man he can be and if he can be like that again I can try. But would I ever trust him again?

Maybe this whole thing will be his wake up call.

I know how desperate I sound. I hate that. But I feel like I can't change it. I am hopelessly, stupidly in love with him.

I will make a back up plan. I will contact a solicitor and get a bank account. It can't hurt to be prepared.

Does anyone have a positive story? Does anyone think that this could get better?

It won't get better. He has no respect for you as a person. To put it bluntly, you're just a hole for him to pleasure himself.

Imagine your daughter in 20 years time and she told you her partner was treating her like this. How would you feel? How would he feel? But he can do it to you.

Your head is mashed with his constant insults then sorries. You don't know where you stand so take some control back.

A half hour with a solicitor is free. Use it. Your life WILL get better, without him in it.

Great to make a back up plan, you sound very wise.

I've just seen my sister coming out of a very painful divorce. She didn't want to split up, and didn't see it coming.

But she made herself make good choices that stood her in good stead for the future (moving on, taking a new job, reestablishing old friendships).

She didn't want to do any of this things at the time, but knew they were the right things to do. Two years on, she's in a much better place, the wise decisions she made paid off later, it's so good to see her looking happier.

I think you need some physical space from him. He sounds very conflicted - if, as you say, he's normally a decent guy then he must know he's treating you really badly. He's behaving appallingly now, though, and you have to teach him a lesson and keep yourself safe.

If you leave, or get him to leave (preferably) then you will be giving him a clear lesson that he can't treat you like that and you will not put up with it. Believe me, that will get you more respect than staying.

I know it's hard but when you ask can it get better, how can it when he has decided he doesn't love you and has clearly told you that?

In your op, you refer to him as 'cruel', 'nasty', 'selfish', 'self-centred.'

Then there are the messages to the other woman and the way he treats you sexually.

An awful lot would have to change wouldn't it?

He said he is leaving because I deserve better

Well, he's right about the second part but I highly doubt the first part. That's designed to make you beg harder, esp since you caught him out in the email flirtation with the colleague so he's on the back foot.

You desperately want to believe that the man he presented to you in the early days was the real him. That's understandable but based on what you've said here, it doesn't sound very realistic.

We decided to take our daughter to soft play for the morning/ afternoon. We were meant to be giving the family thing a try. But every time i look at him now I feel sick and angry. He can't even talk to me. He looks so shifty and guilty.

To make matters worse, I have started bleeding (spotting). I am not due on my period for another couple of weeks. God, what if I am pregnant? What if he has given me an STI or something?

I think I am cracking up. I keep looking at the emails they sent to one another and I can't help it.

Someone slap me and to me to stop being so fucking pathetic.

Why shouldn't you be upset that he was exchanging emotionally charged emails (at the very least) with another woman? I assume he is suggesting you're over-reacting and he would have no problem whatsoever with you writing the same thing to a co-worker.

I thought you were trying to have some time apart today? You're not doing yourself any favours. Whatever the truth of the situation neither of you are in a position to spend happy family time with the other.

If you think there is a risk he has had unprotected sex (and I would I agree, there is that risk) I would get yourself tested - you can do this at the local GUM clinic if you'd rather not go to your GP (although no reason for you to be concerned about going to see your GP).