My OCD Wife Is Wasting Away

[Mark21Rach20]

My wife is 25yo and has suffered with OCD since she was a kid. She's always been a "clean freak" but since our baby way born its got so bad i dont even know her anymore. The OCD makes her worry excessively about things that will never happen or are out of our control. As such this has escalated into depression as well. We dont have sex. There's no handholding, hugging or kissing as she says she feels embarressed. So for the past year or so its like living with my sister. Im not pushy with sex yet she says "im sorry im not giving you sex" which i hate hearing. I've told her "id rather do it because you wanted to, not because you think you have to". The last time we did have sex she started crying in the middle of it so we stopped. Turned out she didnt want to, so i felt really bad (i never would have if id known).

She gets up at 6:30am everyday to start cleaning. She'll polish, spray, wife, dust EVERYTHING - every surface, every object. She spends about 20 mins cleaning the bathroom after i use it (that includes bleach, bathroom spray, scrubbing the tub/shower) even though i clean it after i use it until i cant see anything to be wiped/cleaned.
I used to do all the cooking when i got home from work but now she insists on doing it because she likes to know where any dirt or food has been so she can clean as she cooks. After dinner only she can do washing up so she knows everything is clean.
Literally - if she's not sat down with the baby she's cleaning. No lie. Thats ALL DAY. She doest at least 3 hoovers of the house everyday. Wether it needs it or not.

She doesnt eat breakfast, usually doesnt eat lunch and only eats in the evening. She's gone really thin like a skeleton and her face is pale and gaunt.

The OCD is towards oue 1yo daughter too. She has her face moisturised about 6 times a day. If she puts her hands to her mouth my wife moves them away quickly "in case she gets her chin wet or dirty" - whenever i mention that our daughter NEEDS to do this and its normal development it escalated to a row and im accused of saying she's not a good mum. If our daughter rubs her eyes her hand is batted away. As such our daughter has no idea how to feed herself. You give her food and she just holds it. So i think its effected her. When its just me and baby (which is very rare) its easy, i let her explore with her hands, play, touch and drool till her hearts content - then do a clean up before my wife comes back.

What im looking for is any help or advice from other women who can relate to this. She wont see Dr, last time we went seeking any medication that could help wit her OCD and our Dr said "they're not smarties, try some self help books".

Can anyone relate to how she feelds? Im trying my very best to support her but its getting worse every day.

Your doctor is an idiot.

Would she be amenable to you making an apt with a different doctor at the same practise (or another practise?) Equally if you sought out a private therapist with a good level of expertise in OCD behaviours, would she consider going (with you for moral support if necessary)?

This sounds very life-limiting for all of you and the fact that she's losing a lot of weight is very concerning.

She sounds very ill, and it is clearly affecting your daughter too. I would suggest that you go to your GP on your own if she won't come with you. She needs help.

Poor you. Sounds like you are both having such a hard time. I think that you need to go back and see another GP. There are medications which will help.

I'm a GP by the way, and I would take this very seriously if she was my patient.

It's interesting that among all the problems you have started with sex. At this point, I think you need to back off completely.

But you should draw boundaries and tell her that she needs to seek help. Not drugs, but proper psychological support.

If necessary, contemplate leaving her and taking your daughter with you. :( Perhaps that could be the trigger to seek help if she won't otherwise.

OP, I'm so sorry, your wife is really unwell.

It's not just OCD, it's possible she may be developing anorexia as well.

I would make an appointment alone to see a different GP, preferably female if possible, and detail what you have here, including the impact on your child.

If you are ever concerned that she is an immediate danger to herself or the baby, call your local mental health crisis team (google for the details in your area).

I'm a therapist and your wife is very ill indeed. But she can be helped, CBT is very effective for OCD. Medication alone is not enough but may allow her to engage with therapy. Get a referral asap, if no NHS services locally you will have to pay but it is vital she gets treatment for this.

Personally I wouldn't go for a private therapist at this stage, I think she needs to be referred by her GP to a psychiatrist for assessment asap.

If it helps a friend of mine had postpartum psychosis and recovered completely.

^It's interesting that among all the problems you have started with sex. At this point, I think you need to back off completely.

But you should draw boundaries and tell her that she needs to seek help. Not drugs, but proper psychological support.

If necessary, contemplate leaving her and taking your daughter with you. sad Perhaps that could be the trigger to seek help if she won't otherwise.^

Sex doesnt bother me, i started the convo with our relationship, then her routine, then our daughter as im trying to get everything in a coherent order.

Actually this is so severe that she may be better off under community mental health. Go to GP with her (urgently) and discuss options. If she will not go to GP then you go alone.

You poor man, this must be terrifying and I hope that you are also getting some support for yourself.

Just to say that as well as the GP route, you might want to try something like the Mind helpline/information sheets www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/#.VUH_dmRVhHx

I notice that they list some smaller charities that focus specifically on OCD. These will probably have specific support resources online communities that you can join and share your experiences with

coherent order

Yes, and it's interesting what came first. It may not be very important, but it may well be an indicator. If my partner showed all those symptoms, I probably wouldn't mention sex when describing the problem.

Learn about the problem, about how you can help, and get her to get professional help asap.

It's hard enough for somebody to ask for help, then for the GP to have said that? Jeez. Awful and irresponsible. No wonder she's now reluctant to make another appointment. Did he not even refer your DW for counselling? (usually just CBT, but can be really helpful with OCD) Are there any other docs at the surgery DW could see? If not, I'd advise changing surgeries.

If you can't get counselling on the NHS, have a look on the BACP or UKCP websites. Only trained counsellors are registered. They adhere to a strict code of ethics. Look for "accredited counsellors" on the BACP site. A new baby is an expensive time, but decent counsellors work on a sliding scale in regard to cost.

Dear OP,
You have my sympathy and empathy. I know how difficult this is as my husband suffers with OCD and it had a very significant impact on our family life. It got to the point of being completely intolerable and despite multiple attempts by me to get him to seek help he was very resistant. He had received a short course of CBT for it in the past which had been effective for a while but he had regressed and was then much worse than before. From his perspective however he was "cured". It was very hard as I knew that a lot of his behaviour was because of his extreme anxiety and because he was actually very unwell. However his refusal to recognise that or do anything about it meant that I had to make a very difficult decision. For the benefit of our daughter and my own sanity I asked him to leave. It broke my heart to do that but actually it was the best decision I could have made. I made him and him alone accountable for his behaviour. Either he was ill and needed some help in which case see the GP and get some or he was being a deliberate shit in which case that wasn't acceptable and he could leave anyway. It sounds incredibly harsh but the next morning he went to see his GP, was started on anti-depressants and referred to therapy. While certainly not perfect things are so much better. Everyone is happier and we are still together.
I am telling you this because as difficult as it is the only person who can make the decision that they need help and to engage with that help fully is your wife. Your job is to draw the line at what is acceptable for you but most importantly your daughter. I agree with the PP's I think your wife from your description is actually very unwell and may not be fit enough to look after your daughter. You need to decide if you and your daughter stay if she won't seek help. I agonised along time over this and actually what delayed me more than anything with taking the plunge were the practicalities. What about money, childcare, housing etc. I would say now just make a decision about where your line is and the practicalities have a way of sorting themselves out. The other thing I would say is that if you are not getting any help from your GP I would think about contacting your HV. Good luck x

Lweji, I suspect that the OP feels guilty about the incident where his wife cried in the middle of sex and that is why the sex came out first. I don't think it is appropriate to be picking him apart in this regard. His wife is clearly very ill and he has turned to this forum for support. He is asking about the problem, he is asking for help, lets give him help and support and leave out the criticism, eh?

OP, I have no real experience of this, but I agree with PPs, you need to see another GP immediately. Does your wife recognise she has a problem? Is she willing to engage with treatment?

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say she does sound very ill, and it must be very tough for you both. I hope things improve soon and she can get the help she very clearly needs.

I'm currently having counselling for PND and have had OCD since I was very young, I have a 9 week old DS. It is a struggle but the counselling/CBT is helping slowly but surely. The eating thing sounds similar to what I was doing in the early weeks. Sometimes I felt I didn't deserve to eat because I was a bad mum, other times I forgot because I didn't feel hunger (my therapist said that is a symptom of depression). I don't have the cleaning issue, I compulsively check and have a fear of contamination. Sometimes it takes me over an hour to get out of the house, a lot of the time I wasn't bothering going out, but that is improving with support.

As far as sex is concerned, if she is putting herself last she probably really won't feel like it, plus, she must be exhausted. Since working through some of the CBT stuff I can feel that side coming back for me, but I'm too tired or busy to actually do anything about it at the moment, which my husband understands. I agree with PP that the issues with sex should really be down the list of priorities, your wife needs to get better first.

I'm not sure what the psychological services are like in your area. Where I am we can self refer, maybe this is something that she would be able to do? Or see another GP, self help books can have their place, but your wife sounds like she needs professional support.

If she simply won't go to the GP, could you invite your HV to the house? If the HV is any good, of course.

My comment was meant to be supportive of his wife, at least. Which is why I told the OP to back off regarding sex.
Stress can come from many sources and that could be a source for her too.
It's meant to make the OP think about his behaviour, although he says he is not pushy, but clearly it's at the top of his mind in relation to all the other worrying behaviour she is displaying. Including the weight loss.

I have made other comments, but the OP chose to just reply to that tiny aspect of my initial post.

The message is that you have to stop being "supportive" of her, and start on tough love so that she has proper help. And your daughter is not affected by it.

She knows she has OCD. She was on meds for it years ago which made her really tired. But she stopped all meds when she was pregnant as we wanted a baby for years yet nothing happened. So when it finally happened she was super careful. No meds, ate properly, put weight on etc. It's after our daughter was born that she deteriorated.
Ok, let me be very clear hear - me mentioning sex is so i can get accross how our relationship is. Im not "gagging for it" or looking for it im just telling you how things are relationship-wise.

SMINKYPINKY some of the things you said sound very familiar. She often says she "doesnt deserve to eat", "it'd be better if i wasnt here", "if baby wasnt here id be dead by now", "no one cares" etc. Like, this morning she got up at 6:30, baby was climbing all over me in the bed while she started cleaning. She came back into the room with a pile of washing then burst out crying saying she's scared of the future. One of her worries is if she gets help from therapists they'll take our daughter off us. And yes, it takes at least an hour to get out of the door before we go anywhere. Most times she goes out simply to escape cleaning. Only her very best friends know how bad she can get but even then they have no idea what more there is. She hides a lot of it because she's embarrassed.

Thanks everyone, im going to make a Dr's appointment today and go with her when i get an appointment. CBT sounds like a good idea.

My gosh, it sounds very stressful.

How old is baby? I wonder if an urgent referral through hv / gp to the perinatal mh team would be more fruitful? They're waiting list is short as its for mums with pre or postnatal difficulties upto one year, they're very good and a trained counsellor can visit the home. They also work directly under/ with psychiatric consultants. Although the condition was there before pregnancy, it's clearly got worse and may be a way to access correct help more quickly.

I found perinatal mh support very helpful for pre natal anxiety.

My only other slight thought is whether there's any underlying thyroid issue too, though I think over all it sounds like the OCD.

The worst thing about anxiety is it feels so real and necessary - is, she'll feel great danger unless she is in control of the danger - the dirt. She isn't yet capable of seeing otherwise.

For yourself, I wonder if you might find it helpful to read or contact the pandas help line too.

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk

*Their waiting list

OP, your wife is very ill indeed and she needs professional support as soon as possible. See another GP and ask for a referral, your wife's behaviour is already harming your daughter and it can not continue.

Sorry just read your last post - she may see perinatal support as more scary? They're not, they're lovely but she may not feel like it.

She might find the pandas site really helpful too.