OP I really wanted to reply to your post because I have been in the situation that your wife is in. I am a similar age to her. She sounds like she has this a bit worse than I did overall, but in its heights, I was doing the same things.
I want you to know that this can be fixed, and that, as a suffer, it is one of the worst things in the world to go through. As I have not been on the receiving end of it, I can only imagine how hard it is for you - I am not writing this post as a way to disregard your feelings at all. I think you are doing an incredible job by sticking by your wife and being patient, loving and by the sounds of it, very supportive. It is amazing reading what you are going through and seeing that you've come here for support - you're not just running away.
It sounds like your wife's problem has increased since the baby was born? Would you say that is true? As a suffer, I can honestly say that for me, on some level, I knew what I was doing was not normal and I deeply wanted to change, I really did. And, most importantly, I got so stuck in a routine that I felt like I HAD to do these things,
The best way it was described to me was like this: You get in a routine of doing something becasuse you believe you can prevent something happening if you do. Fior instance, your wife is stopping your daughter putting her hands in her mouth/rubbing her eyes because she feels like she is protecting her baby from something bad. She has done this every time your baby tries to do it. So in her mind, she thinks she is controlling the situation and protecting her baby. Now, imagine askign her not to do that? In her mind, she will think that something COULD happen, because she is so used to being so protective. She might know on some level that it is ridiculous/unlikely, but to her she will be thinking 'why take the chance?'
It is an awful, awul, awful thing to go through and must be equally, if not more awful for you to experience. I do not agree with the above post from princessdeb - if you love this woman then do not give up on her. She is not being malicious or nasty and really really needs your help right now. You will get through it.
Things that helped me:
- My partner talking things through with me. Ie asking outright, what do you think would happen to baby if we let her rub her eyes and didn't do anything about it? Let her discuss the problem. This only works if your wife is willing to talk, and you need to be HUGELY understanding her and not get angry or dismissive of he worry.
- A big things that helped me (and still does when I have a wobble), is to compare the situation to someone else. Could you tell her how many babies DO tough their eyes and nothing happens? Talk about this in a rational way, lighthearted almost.
- Print off things from the internet about babies development and why it's GOOD for the baby to tough her eyes, face, mouth. Ie. I am sure there is information about babies building up tolerance to illness etc by exploring and not being fully cleansed...essentially any kind of official advice that may give your wife reason to do the opposite of what she is doing. The ultimate thing in your wife's mind is safety, cleanliness, protection. Show her that there is a BETTER way to do this - you ar enot asking he rnot to clean or not to protect, but showing her a way that is more effective. In my experience this has helped me a lot. An example I have is use of bleach. Bleach cleans. I used to clean the bath many times over. I don't anymore, because I learnt that it can cause fungal infections/rash etc if too much is mixed with ater and it remains in the bath. I don't want to take that chance, so I stopped using it.
Your wife's worries will be based on the idea that she thinks she has found the BEST way to clean and therefore ensure everythingis ok with her family and her home. Because she is so used to doing it, she will be terrified to stop. It's horrible. The most effective way for me was talking about the problem - why I was worried abotu one specific thing, then finding an alternative way to deal with it, a compromise almost. My partner would slowly find a new solution to my worry - it wouldn't be compeltely 'normal' but it would toneit down. Ie with the bleach in the bath. He would talk about it alot and give exaples in the past of when his housemates hadnt cleaned the bath once at uni and everything was fine (he wouldnt dismiss my worries, but he would give an extreme version of something and agree that it was extreme - so be on my side - but also show me that things were still ok).
Is there anythign that makes your wife more relaxed? What about a change of scenery over the weekend?
I don't know if any of this makes sense or helps, I am on a time contraint here, but when I read your post I wanted to reply as I really, really feel for you. If you want to message me, please do. Things CAN get better. xx