My OCD Wife Is Wasting Away

[Mark21Rach20]

My wife is 25yo and has suffered with OCD since she was a kid. She's always been a "clean freak" but since our baby way born its got so bad i dont even know her anymore. The OCD makes her worry excessively about things that will never happen or are out of our control. As such this has escalated into depression as well. We dont have sex. There's no handholding, hugging or kissing as she says she feels embarressed. So for the past year or so its like living with my sister. Im not pushy with sex yet she says "im sorry im not giving you sex" which i hate hearing. I've told her "id rather do it because you wanted to, not because you think you have to". The last time we did have sex she started crying in the middle of it so we stopped. Turned out she didnt want to, so i felt really bad (i never would have if id known).

She gets up at 6:30am everyday to start cleaning. She'll polish, spray, wife, dust EVERYTHING - every surface, every object. She spends about 20 mins cleaning the bathroom after i use it (that includes bleach, bathroom spray, scrubbing the tub/shower) even though i clean it after i use it until i cant see anything to be wiped/cleaned.
I used to do all the cooking when i got home from work but now she insists on doing it because she likes to know where any dirt or food has been so she can clean as she cooks. After dinner only she can do washing up so she knows everything is clean.
Literally - if she's not sat down with the baby she's cleaning. No lie. Thats ALL DAY. She doest at least 3 hoovers of the house everyday. Wether it needs it or not.

She doesnt eat breakfast, usually doesnt eat lunch and only eats in the evening. She's gone really thin like a skeleton and her face is pale and gaunt.

The OCD is towards oue 1yo daughter too. She has her face moisturised about 6 times a day. If she puts her hands to her mouth my wife moves them away quickly "in case she gets her chin wet or dirty" - whenever i mention that our daughter NEEDS to do this and its normal development it escalated to a row and im accused of saying she's not a good mum. If our daughter rubs her eyes her hand is batted away. As such our daughter has no idea how to feed herself. You give her food and she just holds it. So i think its effected her. When its just me and baby (which is very rare) its easy, i let her explore with her hands, play, touch and drool till her hearts content - then do a clean up before my wife comes back.

What im looking for is any help or advice from other women who can relate to this. She wont see Dr, last time we went seeking any medication that could help wit her OCD and our Dr said "they're not smarties, try some self help books".

Can anyone relate to how she feelds? Im trying my very best to support her but its getting worse every day.

Postpartum OCD is a thing. It's also not unknown for OCD that was already there to get worse postpartum. She's not the only one who has had OCD start or get worse after having a baby.

Postpartum OCD isn't the same thing as postpartum psychosis. Mothers with postpartum OCD almost never act on thoughts they might have about harming the baby. That doesn't mean it isn't worth treating (and you should find a GP who takes it more seriously), but it might reassure you or her.

No it's not the same thing, but the point is from here no-one knows precisely what's wrong with her, which is why she needs to a psychiatrist asap.

You poor man. How awful for all of you.
My friends Mother had this condition (many years ago) it came to a head one day when she wouldn't let my friends Father in the house and the Police had to be called because the children were in the house.
I hope for all your sakes you get the help you need.

she does need help.
you need to be very clear with gp.
they wont take the baby away from the family home as you can be there to look after the baby. do you go out to work? check out what leave you entitled to. is there family that could come help with baby if your wife needs treatment

My heart breaks for you both. I had a severe exacerbation of OCD after my second child, but I wasn't as badly affected as your wife. Pregnancy and childbirth are a known risk factor.

Saying she needs to take responsibility is a load of crap though, she is seriously unwell. OCD and disordered eating are diseases of hyper control and hyper responsibility that are being misapplied because the mind is unwell. She thinks she needs to do this to keep herself and her family safe. There is no even vague intention of irresponsibility, and she will be far too unwell to see how it is potentially damaging.

I hate to write this, but if she will not seek treatment, as it is at the stage the behaviours are being carried out on your child, you need to speak to a GP about getting her seen anyway. She is not doing this on purpose but this is seriously bad for her and your child. For all of you. She may even need hospitalisation if it is too severe for her to have insight into the behaviour being irrational.

I wish you all well xx

Saying that she has to take responsibility over this is not saying that she is being irresponsible. She must realise that her behaviour is not normal nor healthy.
Responsibility is necessary here because she is the only one who can work to change her behaviour. Nobody else can do it for her. But, yes, the baby could and should be taken away if it's badly affecting her health and behaviour.
If she cannot be held responsible for her actions, then she needs intervention before she further harms herself.

And if there is an overlay of depression and eating disorder then this is potentially life threatening.

OCD is poorly understood, even on the mh boards there is sometimes this idea that people with OCD can choose to control their behaviours in a way that doesn't seem to be suggested when people have severe depression. When someone is severely unwell, they are genuinely as unwell as with any other physical or mental difficulty and they are not choosing to lack insight or to refuse help. In its most severe forms, OCD can overlap with severe depression and in the postpartum period (and on from that, if untreated) can even move towards psychosis.

She may not realise her behaviour is unsafe or damaging. It is all down to insight. If she has insight, she can take some responsibility. Not all people with severe OCD and depression have insight in such a way they are free to choose to act.

When people are seriously mentally unwell they can't take responsibility for themselves, they don't realise that their behaviour is as disordered as it is, and anyway, they can't control it.

If you ask an anorexic to take responsibility for their diet they will say sure, 2 raisins a day. If you ask severe OCD sufferer to take responsibilty for their daily routine, it will inevitably involve constant washing and cleaning.

xpost with duplodon - exactly.

That's what happened to the friend of mine mentioned above, she started with depression/ OCD and it developed into psychosis.

Xpost with duplodon

That's exactly what happened to my friend mentioned above. She had pp depression/OCD and it developed into psychosis.

And my OCD was classed as severe, and I had weekly visits from the psychiatric nurse and thirty sessions of NHS CBT and monthly psychiatric review, and would have been hospitalised if my OCD had involved rituals involving my baby son.. And I am hearing, here, that Mark's poor wife is even more unwell than I ever was.

Sadly, when OCD really takes hold, especially when children are involved, if it isn't treated it can affect a child's development. I think with immense pain, sadness and shame about some of my avoidance of my baby... Sometimes I couldn't smile or talk to him as I was off somewhere else in my head, being compulsive. It has taken a long time to come to terms with that, and I always had insight.

The fact that she is not allowing her daughter to explore with her hands and is cleaning her and actively moving her hands is a huge, huge worry. It effectively means, tragically, and even as I write this I shake with the memory and knowing where she is how it would have broken my heart to think someone would have advised this, that you need urgent, urgent help and that she should not be providing sole unsupervised care for your daughter.

OP, your first port of call should be your GP.

You'd hope any GP should be informed about OCD these days, but your wife's past experience indicates it is not always the case.

There is useful information and advice on OCD charities's websites.

If the conversation with your GP is not straightforward, you can print a briefing note aimed at health professionals that you can take with you for the appointment. Here is one. Best wishes. I hope your wife gets the treatment she needs.

Apols for double post, major browser issues