My husband won't have a second baby with me unless I lose weight

[wondering9susan]

I gained a total of 65 pounds during my first pregnancy. Over the past two years, since our son was born, I have lost most of that weight, but I still have another 20 pounds to lose to get back to the weight I was when my husband and I first met (180 pounds, at 5'9). My husband was excited about having a second child with me for a long time, and we had a planned pregnancy last summer, but I had a miscarriage several weeks into the pregnancy. Since then, my husband has told me he won't even talk to me about having a second child until I lose some unspecified amount of weight (he won't tell me how much when I ask) and work out more consistently.

I lost 8 pounds in a month and a half recently, and was working out up to 6 times a week (aiming to burn 500+ calories a day exercising) while nursing our toddler. Then I blacked out on the side of the freeway. No one was hurt, but it was a scary experience. When I called to tell my husband what happened, he said it probably happened because I had gained so much weight during the pregnancy. A cardiologist told me I was probably chronically dehydrated, even though I was trying to take in adequate fluids. I have been taking it easy since then but am hoping to get back into dieting and working out most days of the week again soon.

I asked my husband tonight if he still wanted a second child, and he reiterated his ultimatum about not being willing to talk to me about it at all until I lose weight, workout more, etc. I'm in my late thirties, and he is in his early thirties. I have asked him, "What if I don't lose enough weight fast enough for us to be able to have a second child?", and he has basically said that is not his concern. At one point a few months ago he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have a second baby with someone as "old" and "fat" as me. He apologized, but that has really stuck with me.

I know I need to lose weight, and want to regardless of his ultimatum, but something just doesn't sit right with me about the fact that he won't even talk with me about having a second child, or even tell me how much weight I will need to lose for us to have that conversation. Any advice?

for shabbs I an so sorry for your losses. I hope you find the strength to leave, you deserve better.

Shabbs, I had to leave the thread so dont know if it's moved on but I think you should start your own thread and get some mumsnet handholding.

I think my cousin hoped death would solve her problems.

She loathed her husband. He got cancer. He had one treatment after another. She kept thinking this was it. She was going to be free of him and get the house.

He only lived another thirty years. He's the only cancer survivor i know that lived that long.

He died two years ago and she's early 70 s. she used to be the life and soul of the party, full of fun. Now she's miserable, bitter, prematurely aged.

She could have got out in her forties or early fifties instead oh having a miserable old age.

Now that really was a waste.

Growing up seeing his father treat his mother like dirt, and learning that that's okay, is not the best thing for your son. Do you want him to grow up to be like his father?

For both your sakes, you need to get out.

I wonder if hes dealing with the pain of the miscarriage by deciding there must be an understandable "reason" for why it happened, and has settled on the idea of you being "old and fat" as that reason.

The problem is, this is rubbish. How do you know when youre "fit and thin" enough to guarantee it wont happen again? You cant, because sometimes these awful things happen and there just isnt a reason for them, and thats difficult to accept.

It's obvious you blacked out because you were doing too much. You can't think about losing weight when you're breastfeeding.
I completely understand wanting to lose weight to look better but dieting can sometimes mean our body misses out on nutrition. Sodium and sugar aren't as bad for us as is generally thought. Salt is actually essential for the body because it helps us function properly. Sugar can help when we're stretching ourselves too thin in the stress department.
Your husband's demands that you lose weight have put your health at risk.

What I mean is, it's not a small thing that he's asked you to lose weight. He has jeopardized your health and for that you should not forgive him.