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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband won't have a second baby with me unless I lose weight

81 replies

wondering9susan · 30/04/2015 06:37

I gained a total of 65 pounds during my first pregnancy. Over the past two years, since our son was born, I have lost most of that weight, but I still have another 20 pounds to lose to get back to the weight I was when my husband and I first met (180 pounds, at 5'9). My husband was excited about having a second child with me for a long time, and we had a planned pregnancy last summer, but I had a miscarriage several weeks into the pregnancy. Since then, my husband has told me he won't even talk to me about having a second child until I lose some unspecified amount of weight (he won't tell me how much when I ask) and work out more consistently.

I lost 8 pounds in a month and a half recently, and was working out up to 6 times a week (aiming to burn 500+ calories a day exercising) while nursing our toddler. Then I blacked out on the side of the freeway. No one was hurt, but it was a scary experience. When I called to tell my husband what happened, he said it probably happened because I had gained so much weight during the pregnancy. A cardiologist told me I was probably chronically dehydrated, even though I was trying to take in adequate fluids. I have been taking it easy since then but am hoping to get back into dieting and working out most days of the week again soon.

I asked my husband tonight if he still wanted a second child, and he reiterated his ultimatum about not being willing to talk to me about it at all until I lose weight, workout more, etc. I'm in my late thirties, and he is in his early thirties. I have asked him, "What if I don't lose enough weight fast enough for us to be able to have a second child?", and he has basically said that is not his concern. At one point a few months ago he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have a second baby with someone as "old" and "fat" as me. He apologized, but that has really stuck with me.

I know I need to lose weight, and want to regardless of his ultimatum, but something just doesn't sit right with me about the fact that he won't even talk with me about having a second child, or even tell me how much weight I will need to lose for us to have that conversation. Any advice?

OP posts:
Cluesue · 30/04/2015 21:35

Why would you even contemplate another child with this hideous specimen.

Dump the dead weight,him not yours!!

tribpot · 30/04/2015 21:41

that is just the way he is

Oh well then. That's that I guess!

I understand that you feel trapped, and traumatised, and that you are grieving for the miscarriage. Please please take immediate steps to improve your health, however, by stopping the crash exercising and dieting. Once you feel physically stronger I think you may feel mentally more able to deal with the awful situation you are in.

ReallyBadParty · 30/04/2015 21:44

He's a wanker. That's it, really.

MmeMorrible · 30/04/2015 21:50

Ditch the twat. Fastest weight loss ever.

pieceofpurplesky · 30/04/2015 21:52

Dump him and have your second baby with someone who deserves your love

HelenaDove · 30/04/2015 22:05

Bloody hell Please leave this abusive bastard OP before he gives you an eating disorder.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 30/04/2015 22:06

He may be 'great' now with your son (and how great can he be when he is controlling and nasty to his mum) but you know what, children grow up and they hear the things parents say to each other and the looks they give each other and the contempt/gritted teeth and all the rest. Your son will know your husband has contempt for you, and may even imitate it himself, which will break your heart.

I wonder if your husband is going on about your weight not only to deny you that second child, but also as an out for the marriage, it does sound like he is obsessed with weight, younger thinner people and I would imagine he would feel justified in having an affair/running off with someone thinner and then blaming you.

He sounds vile, your standards for relationships are so low if being with a man who essentially doesn't like your body is good enough for you, you poor thing, I hope you can talk to some friends or family about what is going on and get the strength to get away from this situation, it must be eating away at you.

RandomMess · 30/04/2015 22:09

TBH I think there is someone else hence the reluctance to have another child.

RedRoom · 30/04/2015 22:50

He is treating you with complete contempt. Too fat and old to have another child with?! Shaking my head here. How dare he!!!

DarkHeart · 30/04/2015 23:02

He is not "great" with your son- he is a terrible role model teaching him to be a controlling bully. This is my first ever ltb

sleepwhenidie · 30/04/2015 23:08

OP that little, shrinking voice that's telling you that this isn't right, the one that prompted you to write your post - it is your gut, your survival instinct, the dregs of your self esteem that your 'D'P is stomping all over and may eventually extinguish. Please listen harder to what it is telling you, even if you won't listen to the deafening (almost Hmm) unanimous chorus of advice everyone here is giving you Sad

AlpacaMyBags · 30/04/2015 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kiwiinkits · 01/05/2015 00:57

WTF? This is the best relationship you've ever had? That's one of the saddest things I've ever read on MN. He is a despicable bully who is not even trying to hide his contempt for you! Why the f*k would you want to be with this pile of sht?

shabbs · 01/05/2015 01:23

I am 58 years old.

I have been married 37 years.

I have had four sons...heartbreakingly two of those boys have died...one of my twin sons (first borns) died from multiple heart problems when he was 7 months old. My third son was knocked down and killed by a reversing lorry when he was 7 years old. So instead of having 33 year old twin boys, a 31 year old boy and a 17 year old....I have here, physically, a 33 year old and a 17 year old.

I am fat.

I have lost 2 stone in the last couple of months. But I am still obese.

My Dad, my precious beloved Dad died about a year ago.

My Mam, my precious beloved Mam is in a nursing home with advanced Alzheimers.

AND my husband of those 37 years goes on and on and on and on and fucking on about my weight.

I hate him. I want to run away. I want my sons and my precious parents back.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DROP HIM LIKE A STONE AND RUN FOR THE FOOKING HILLS. Never, ever, ever put up with this crap. I have done this for years and wasted my adult life.

quietlysuggests · 01/05/2015 01:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kiwiinkits · 01/05/2015 04:36

Sad oh shabbs.

Is it possible your life could be better without him? What's stopping you from leaving?

Cockadoodledooo · 01/05/2015 05:41

Jeezo op, he sounds like a real catch Hmm
Your choices I guess are stay with him and stick at one child (sounds like there'll always be a reason not to have another, if he won't/can't give you a defined target), or break free, live your life with your lovely dc and have the chance of meeting someone else and having more children.

Sure, he could be scared of another miscarriage. I know that one. Mine was life-threatening and Dh and I were so terrified of another we made the decision for him to have the snip. But we did that together. If we'd gone the other way, decided to try again, that would also be a decision we made together. That's what grown ups in a loving relationship do. If he wouldn't talk it out, then he'd have to get out.

Shabbs you poor thing. What a lot you've had to endure. Do you stay as a 'better the devil you know' thing? You must be a strong woman to put up with that x

mommyof23kids · 01/05/2015 05:48

You blacking out while driving and him not caring is a huge red flag. Even in a marriage that was struggling the other spouse should have been terrified at what could have happened. Their first thought should have been that they nearly lost you.

petalsandstars · 01/05/2015 06:12

Will you be happy when your son behaves in this way towards his girlfriends? Or when he starts agreeing with his dad and telling you that you are fat? Or will that break your heart?

Fast forward a few years and this will be your reality - you deserve better. Even alone would be better Flowers

CheerfulYank · 01/05/2015 06:17

Oh Shabbs :( I'm so sorry. I think of you and your boys often. I'm so sorry to hear your husband is like this to you.

OP, it would be one thing if he had concerns about your health and expressed them in a loving way. But this is just...mean. You deserve better, honey.

HelenaDove · 01/05/2015 23:21

shabbs your H is a 24 carat bastard.

shabbs · 03/05/2015 08:48

Blush note to self...do not post on MNet after you have been to your friends and had too much to drink!!

I cant leave.....dont ask me why because I dont know...I just cant leave.

Too many years together, too much sadness, too much of everything.

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 03/05/2015 09:06

shabbs your post made me sad. I spent all my adult life with my now Ex. He was abusive on many levels and I was too scared of him to leave.

It is great that you have lost weight, well done for that. But if you feel you cannot leave, can you invest more in your own life, get out, see friends, have a hobby? Please try to improve your life and leave him out of it. I found the courage to leave and I hope that you can soon.

I have my own place, two crazy cats and life is much more peaceful. The fun part is a work in progress but I'm getting there. Flowers

Sorry OP for the hijack. I am so sad also that you would be prepared to put up with him. I hope you can find the strength to leave, if not for yourself, then for your DS who will most certainly grow up with the same attitude towards relationships that your DH is showing him.

maroonedwithfour · 03/05/2015 09:09

Hes a cunt. Ltb.

Dowser · 03/05/2015 09:11

Shabbs you can leave leave.

How much more time are you going to waste on your hell hole of a marriage.

Please start making plans. You are still young. Much younger than me.

You can start again . You can start making changes now. Even if you start eating / living healthier if that is the problem.

Don't give him any more of your years. See a solicitor and see where you stand.

Susan you too. Unbeknown to me I was being cheated on for years, until he couldn't hide it any more. Like she was waiting outside my house for him when I arrived home late( huge story, won't go into) as a result he left.

Fast forward I had a great time without him and just 3 months after my divorce I met an amazing man who is soon to be my husband. We have an amazing life. I am so ridiculously happy.

He loves and respects me in a way I was never cherishe before . I was 56 .

You have everything to play for. Both of you can lose weight but inside both of your husbands....they are just fugly.