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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband won't have a second baby with me unless I lose weight

81 replies

wondering9susan · 30/04/2015 06:37

I gained a total of 65 pounds during my first pregnancy. Over the past two years, since our son was born, I have lost most of that weight, but I still have another 20 pounds to lose to get back to the weight I was when my husband and I first met (180 pounds, at 5'9). My husband was excited about having a second child with me for a long time, and we had a planned pregnancy last summer, but I had a miscarriage several weeks into the pregnancy. Since then, my husband has told me he won't even talk to me about having a second child until I lose some unspecified amount of weight (he won't tell me how much when I ask) and work out more consistently.

I lost 8 pounds in a month and a half recently, and was working out up to 6 times a week (aiming to burn 500+ calories a day exercising) while nursing our toddler. Then I blacked out on the side of the freeway. No one was hurt, but it was a scary experience. When I called to tell my husband what happened, he said it probably happened because I had gained so much weight during the pregnancy. A cardiologist told me I was probably chronically dehydrated, even though I was trying to take in adequate fluids. I have been taking it easy since then but am hoping to get back into dieting and working out most days of the week again soon.

I asked my husband tonight if he still wanted a second child, and he reiterated his ultimatum about not being willing to talk to me about it at all until I lose weight, workout more, etc. I'm in my late thirties, and he is in his early thirties. I have asked him, "What if I don't lose enough weight fast enough for us to be able to have a second child?", and he has basically said that is not his concern. At one point a few months ago he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have a second baby with someone as "old" and "fat" as me. He apologized, but that has really stuck with me.

I know I need to lose weight, and want to regardless of his ultimatum, but something just doesn't sit right with me about the fact that he won't even talk with me about having a second child, or even tell me how much weight I will need to lose for us to have that conversation. Any advice?

OP posts:
CaptainAnkles · 30/04/2015 08:07

Why would you want to tie yourself further to somebody who speaks to you with such utter disrespect and loathing? You're supposed to be the person he loves most (and his DC) and he says things like that? Horrible.

seventeen · 30/04/2015 08:08

Sorry this isn't about your weight.

If you lost lots of weight, he'd find another reason why he doesn't want more children.

Is he affectionate with you? Has that changed recently?

There's an underlying problem here.

Inexperiencedchick · 30/04/2015 08:31

Seems in his mind he is blaming you for the miscarriage.

Please don't waste your time with him.

And loose weight you want, not what he requested.

He is an abuser and will never change. After weight loss he will find another excuse and so on.

Just raise your toddler and live a happy life.

If you are lucky you might end up meeting a man who would be actually asking you to carry his child.

He is playing with your self esteem.

Allow him to find a skinny one, maybe she will satisfy him.

Don't hold on to him, seriously.

I knew someone like him and by looking back I can't believe how much I allowed him in order not to loose him. He has gone anyway.

Let him leave! Work on your self esteem. It's not the right time for you to have a 2nd child anyway. You are emotionally insecure, and you don't need more abuse during your future pregnancy.

My hugs.

Joysmum · 30/04/2015 08:38

Surely you realise the weight is not the issue here?

No only does he sound horrible, but he's trying to make you the reason why he doesn't want another child.

Vivacia · 30/04/2015 08:49

I wouldn't want to hold hands with a partner like this, let alone have a child with him.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 08:55

yes it sounds like you need to lose a couple hundred pounds of ugly fat - your husband.
How bloody dare he!?

PoppyField · 30/04/2015 10:47

This is abuse. He is taunting you. He has ground down your self-esteem almost to a point where you cannot recognise how abusive he is. He is vile. No-one deserves to be treated like this.

Stop trying to work out how you can get him on your side. He is vile and obviously has no respect for you. He is not on your side. There is no way you can win his respect. He is certainly not worth yours.

Get him out of your life.

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2015 10:51

Sorry, OP, but I don't think your marriage is going to last. He has absolutely no respect for you. I think that often something else is going on - ie an affair - to garner such a lot of disrespect. Is this something you have considered?

glidingpig · 30/04/2015 11:03

He's being vile. :(

ChangingTiming · 30/04/2015 11:04

What others have said, he's either trying to find any excise to not have another child as he wants to leave, or he is a controlling bastard. I don't think many women are exactly the same weight as when they met their husbands!

Alanna1 · 30/04/2015 11:06

Do you want to lose weight? It is healthier for any baby, too. I can understand him wanting you too - I want to lose some and I really want my husband to lose some, too. Does your weight impact what you do together? I find it hard to make the time to exercise. Will he give up time so that you can exercise? Will he make the healthy foods?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/04/2015 11:08

He doesn't want another child.

Now, that may be because he's struggling to process the loss of the previous pregnancy

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/04/2015 11:09

Did you miss the bit where she said she'd been working out 6 x a week Alanna Hmm

expatinscotland · 30/04/2015 11:11

What a mean, nasty twat he is.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 11:12

Alanna why dont you at least read the OP if not the whole thread before posting?

Original poster
wondering9susan · 30/04/2015 15:47

Thank you for these replies. I know he will never be satisfied with me - even if I become very thin. He will always criticize me about things, be controlling at times, and think he's better than me on some level - that is just the way he is. But I have been happier with him overall than I have ever been in a relationship, and most of the time things feel good to okay between us - not ideal, but certainly better than I could ever imagine with anyone else. I love the way he is with our son, most of all. Right now, staying with him seems like it would be best for our son.

Right now I am planning to not having a second child, and hopefully that will make it easier going forward. It feels like a loss, though, because part of me really does want to have a second child. I will get over that eventually I imagine.

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 30/04/2015 15:51

Get out and stay out.

This is abuse plain and simple.

IDismyname · 30/04/2015 15:52

I think you are right. Don't have a second child with this man. Sit tight and have a think about what you REALLY want out of your relationship with him.

I hope you arrive at a point where you can leave him and find a better partner.

GERTI · 30/04/2015 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ParkingFred · 30/04/2015 19:56

He's sounds awful. This isn't about your weight gain, it would be something else if not that. He's an arse.

alphabook · 30/04/2015 21:15

I can't understand how you can be happy with a man like this. My self esteem would be in tatters if I were you.

seventeen · 30/04/2015 21:20

You have no self esteem whatsoever.

If you did you'd run a mile from this man.

magoria · 30/04/2015 21:22

It is very sad that you are happier with this crappy relationship than you have been in others.

Footle · 30/04/2015 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackw · 30/04/2015 21:29

So you will accept that you will never have another child because your partner is denying you one out of cruelty. Once he sees that you have accepted that, he will look for the next cruelty to inflict on you. What do you think it will be?

Please will you read up about abusive men and abusive relationships because you are in one and it always escalates once they know that you will just accept it.

You aren't going to get over this loss you describe eventually, it will just get buried under all the other pains he is going to inflict on you if you don't get away from him.

You need help. Is there someone in real life you can talk to? If not, there are lots of organisations to support victims of domestic abuse, which you are, though you are struggling to see it at the moment. Read all the responses you have had, we are all saying the same thing. Is it likely that we are all wrong?