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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband has ruined our lives

59 replies

AnnagrammaHawkins · 29/04/2015 21:09

A few weeks ago I posted on aibu about my teenage daughter who had become pregnant. We have just about managed to wrap our heads around the situation as a family now and we're all looking to the future and helping Dd. I've now just received a message on Facebook from a woman who I don't know saying that she slept with my husband a few weeks ago when they were drunk and has been feeling really guilty about it due to our circumstances (apparently he told her about our Dd situation and wife etc) and thought she had to fess up. What the hell!!! What do I do with this information?!

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 29/04/2015 21:10

Speak to your husband?

TheoriginalLEM · 29/04/2015 21:13

is there a chance she is being malicious? trying to stir things up? you're going to have to ask him. The question is whether he will be truthful. Flowers

chairmeoh · 29/04/2015 21:14

What does your DH say?

Original poster
AnnagrammaHawkins · 29/04/2015 22:38

Husband has denied sleeping with her but does admit to offloading his troubles in a rant when drunk in the pub. Says that he left the pub around 1ish and came straight home on the night in question. I believed him until he said he left at one. It's a twenty minute walk home but he only got home around 4am so that has just confused me even more. The woman in question is the sister of the barmaid in the pub and was there alone meeting her sister after work for a drink hence how they got talking. Which is a bit weird to me as the barmaid knows us so surely would've warned hee sister off him if she'd seen them flirting.

OP posts:
Fallandfly · 29/04/2015 22:41

Your instinct? Trust it.

DrMorbius · 29/04/2015 22:47

Who do you trust?

Joysmum · 29/04/2015 22:50

Ask her more questions if you aren't convinced by him.

sadwidow28 · 29/04/2015 22:52

Your DH is minimising.

Why should the barmaid have to 'warn her sister off'? People can chat at a bar and be trusted not to over-step boundaries. That is what happens in healthy relationships.

Why the sister of the barmaid felt she had to 'fess up' by facebook is beyond me. You have trouble at your door OP - and it isn't just a teenager daughter being pregnant.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through these family challenges. You will need to dig deep to find your strength. I truly wish you well.

Use this thread to ask for advice from the very experienced MNetters.

Mengog · 29/04/2015 22:52

He's lied already. Why?? Because he did it. He got home at 4am. He claimed it was 1am.

Jackie0 · 29/04/2015 22:56

I reckon she's being malicious.
Unless there is other information that makes you think he cheated, I wouldn't take some stranger's word for it over my dh.
I mean why would she tell you?
Guilt because of your circumstances?
Please
It doesn't make sense to me.
I wouldn't engaged with her at all.

Blarblarblar · 29/04/2015 22:56

Why would she lie. I'm not saying what she did was right in contacting you but why lie what's her gain. I read your last thread and I'm sorry your having such a difficult time.

Jackie0 · 29/04/2015 22:57

Engage

sadwidow28 · 29/04/2015 23:23

I read your last thread - and I was amazed at what a great and positive life you and DH have built for your 7 children when you were a 14 yr old Mum yourself. To start a family so young and show/guide their way is a credit to you both.

I can understand your DH wanting to off-load to someone else when he had had a drink. You sound so resilient and practical (and the main-stay of the family) that DH may not get a chance to say that he is shocked, upset, worried etc.

However, if he went beyond 'chatting and off-loading', you have some serious thinking to do. And I am not in the camp of LTB when you have a DH who stepped up to the plate from 14 yrs old. Is it possible that you have out-grown your relationship and he has been too cowardly to discuss this with you?

I still think that Facebook woman is vindictive.

NameChange30 · 29/04/2015 23:28

Hmm at the people saying believe DH over the woman. He has every reason to lie, she has none. Weird of her to send the message but now she has, I think you need to talk to them both and get to the bottom of it.

NameChange30 · 29/04/2015 23:30

Actually I think you should talk to the barmaid first. Face to face so you can judge her reactions.

sadwidow28 · 29/04/2015 23:35

AnotherEmma It is the barmaid's sister who has sent the message to say that she has slept with the OPs DH.

I wouldn't involve the barmaid. It's nothing to do with her.

NameChange30 · 29/04/2015 23:38

Except that the barmaid was there that night and knows the OP. Plus her sister has already told the OP, so if she confirms it's not like she would be giving it away.

Original poster
AnnagrammaHawkins · 29/04/2015 23:38

Thanks for all the advice guys. It means alot. I've messaged the woman back just saying that I am glad she told me (I'm not) and she replied saying that I'm welcome (o.O) and that she isn't usually the meddling type but that she felt we needed to work on our issues as husband seemed genuinely upset and confused. Now here's for the true head fuck.....She's referred to him by the name of a different pub regular and not his name in the message. I have her sister on Facebook which I presume is how she found me.....so now im wondering if it is all a mistake and she is getting confused between who she spoke to and slept With? I am so confused. I wish I hadn't responded now. I just want to know what is happening. My world has been turned upside down this year.

OP posts:
bjrce · 29/04/2015 23:40

Anna,

He's lying, he won't have copped you knew the time he came home at.
I think you know this is not going to end well.

NameChange30 · 29/04/2015 23:41

Jeez! She needs to stop f*ing with you and get the bloody name right! I would reply and say "was it xxx or xxx?"
I am not buying this ridiculous faux concern for your marriage, if she was so concerned she wouldn't have slept with him would she?!

magoria · 29/04/2015 23:42

He lied about the time he got in. That is not a good starting point.

That is the only hard fact OP has to go on.

If he has had sex elsewhere then he had put you at risk of an unknown persons sexual history.

You need to get an STI check for peace of mind.

Are you able or willing to contact her for more information?

I don't understand what she would gain from lying about this.

Cherryapple1 · 29/04/2015 23:43

he either lied about his name or she slept with someone else. I would reply and say my husband is not called X.

magoria · 29/04/2015 23:43

X post sorry.

Dave what a mess. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Original poster
AnnagrammaHawkins · 29/04/2015 23:49

I've replied and said my husband is called x not y and asking what time they left the pub to see if I can get some answer. I don't want to bring it up with husband again right now as I don't want him to realise I have noticed the timings and give him chance to lie to me.........never thought I would have a reason to distrust him :(

OP posts:
MuttonCadet · 29/04/2015 23:52

Tell your DH what is happening and what's been said. I'm sure you'll know from his response wether he's innocent or not.

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