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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband has ruined our lives

59 replies

AnnagrammaHawkins · 29/04/2015 21:09

A few weeks ago I posted on aibu about my teenage daughter who had become pregnant. We have just about managed to wrap our heads around the situation as a family now and we're all looking to the future and helping Dd. I've now just received a message on Facebook from a woman who I don't know saying that she slept with my husband a few weeks ago when they were drunk and has been feeling really guilty about it due to our circumstances (apparently he told her about our Dd situation and wife etc) and thought she had to fess up. What the hell!!! What do I do with this information?!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/04/2015 23:55

^ I disagree with this advice, OP has already asked her DH and he has denied it and lied about timings that night. Men can be good at lying (otherwise why do so many get away with it for so long).

I think you need to wait for a reply from the OW to confirm who it was. Then talk to the barmaid. THEN confront DH again when you're sure of the facts and have decided what you want to do about it.

sadwidow28 · 30/04/2015 00:00

Please don't be sucked in by the OW's pseudo concern. She didn't give a damn about you when she allegedly slept with your DH - she doesn't give a damn now.

DH said he left the pub at 1am - but you know he didn't get home until 4am.

Facebook woman appears to know about the DD pregnancy. So if she got the name wrong, she got the man correct.

What do YOU want to do? Can you forgive?

It's time for straight talking with your DH - and don't take any rubbish.

Original poster
AnnagrammaHawkins · 30/04/2015 00:12

So. She's replied saying that she left with her sister around 2.30am in a taxi, and that husband Deffo said his name was y. It is definitely him she is talking about though as she has mentioned his (stupid teenage teenage) tattoo on his groin. She has gone into some fair detail of what happened and I'm now off to confront husband. Short version is husband bought her a drink when tiddly as barmaid introduced her as her sister and we know barmaid. His friends have decided to call it a night whilst they've been chatting and husband has stayed out being friendly/Drunk etc. All fine so far. More drunk he gets more he starts talking about our life and current situation. She starts telling him her own sob story....They're cheering each other up and next thing hubby is shagging her in the pub toilets. He's then started crying, stumbled off (around 1am ish) and she's gone back into the bar. Not told her sister what happened. I'm assuming she's just got his name mixed up as it's Deffo him she's talking about. Her timings do match up kind of to hubbys. Would make sense if he felt upset that he'd try and avoid coming straight home hence time difference. I think I believe her :( will update when spoken to hubby.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 30/04/2015 00:17

Oh gosh what awful news on top of everything thats been going on.

It is shitty that he did it. Its shittier that he lied about it, but it seems theres a "script" to these things. Deny, then admit a kiss but nothig more. Then admit a fumble, then, when faced with hard evidence, turn it round on you.

Hopefully he will admit it readily and be remorseful.

So sorry.

FlyingPirate · 30/04/2015 00:24

Well I can't think of any other way she would know about a tattoo on his groin unless she had seen it Sad

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Flowers

NameChange30 · 30/04/2015 00:27

I guess it's good that you can be sure but I am sorry to hear it, must be a nasty shock for you. Flowers

bigbumbrunette · 30/04/2015 00:30

I'm so sorry. I'm going through very similar right this minute. My world was turned upside down by a message last night. I have a hand to hold if you need it x

Original poster
AnnagrammaHawkins · 30/04/2015 00:31

He started crying as soon as I entered the room and apologising. Have told him take tomorrow off work to talk things through and to go sleep on the sofa tonight. I can't talk to him right now I'm too angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnagrammaHawkins · 30/04/2015 00:32

Thanks brunette. Sending you lots of strength xxx

OP posts:
LuisSuarezTeeth · 30/04/2015 00:35

Anna so sorry.

brunette you too.

Sad
rockinrobintweet · 30/04/2015 00:49

think tomorrow talking is a great idea/ I hope you get some rest now. sending love xx

justonemoretime2p · 30/04/2015 01:33

He may have ruined his life but he hasn't ruined yours, without him your life can be better than ever.

lunar1 · 30/04/2015 05:50

Really sorry to read your update. I hope everything goes ok today.

Vivacia · 30/04/2015 05:58

I'm so sorry OP. You've handled this so well.

This is the first time I've thought this on here, but I think you and your husband could work through this.

Cherryapple1 · 30/04/2015 08:06

Sorry to say it but you may need an STI test :(

PisforPeter · 30/04/2015 08:25

I'm sorry you are going through this.
But if it's a random one off shag in a toilet pissed then I think you can work through this. There are no feelings/emotion or ongoing deception involved. I would be very angry too though I don't think it's worth throwing a long marriage away over. You do need a sexual health screen though & so does he.
Flowers

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 30/04/2015 08:56

Im with Viv. I think if he is frank and honest with you, remorseful and ashamed, I could probably try and salvage my marriage. Not that I am you and you should do what is best for you.

Fontella · 30/04/2015 08:57

I think what would bother me most is that it was a shag in a pub we both frequent and it was the barmaid's sister. It only needs one or both of them to tell someone else and it will be all over the place - these things always manage to get out – with sniggering and finger pointing - so-and-so shagging the barmaid's sister in the bogs type thing. I do have some experience of something similar Blush .. and it's horrible.

I personally wouldn't ever want to show my face in there again and if you do decide to try and get past it with your H I'd want a cast iron guarantee that he never sets foot in there again either.

I understand people saying it's not as bad as it could be, but the fact that it was in such a 'public' location is what would get to me. In the fucking pub!

fulltothebrim · 30/04/2015 09:05

I personally wouldn't ever want to show my face in there again*

Why not? It's not the OP who has fucked up. I would walk in with my head held high.
It's the snivelling little rat that should be scurrying around.

Fontella · 30/04/2015 09:09

I wrote I - as in what I wouldn't want to do, not the OP. She will decide what she wants to do based upon her own life and situation.

I do haveexperience of something incredibly similar to this, and no I wouldn't want to go back into the pub where my husband had shagged the barmaid's sister in the toilets. My choice, my decision.

pocketsaviour · 30/04/2015 11:53

OP, I'm so sorry, it all sounds very sordid.

It does sound to me like a one-off drunken mistake which he is now deeply regretting. Of course this doesn't mean that you just say "Oh well never mind", but I think given your long marriage and your children, and your current situation with your daughter, that I personally would choose to try to work through this with him.

Of course that is your decision to make and if you decide that you won't be able to trust him again, that is understandable.

Sending you strength OP Flowers

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 30/04/2015 12:12

I never realised how naive I was until I joined mumsnet. Honestly, so many men do this, so many, it's scary and I don't think of be able to handle myself as well as so many women on mumsnet do.
OP, I'm so sorry to hear this is true, how awful.
I don't think any amount of crying and begging could ever allow me to ever trust him again, even if I wanted to.
I guess that's the hardest part, deciding if you want to try and move on with him or with out.
Not much advice but keep posting, I've whitnessed so many people on this site hold someone's hand through times like this and the advice/support is priceless.
Flowers

magoria · 30/04/2015 12:19

Sorry to hear your update was hoping it was a case of mistaken identity.

You both need a complete STI test.

I don't think this is unrecoverable from if you both want it and can get passed it.

Hugs

Ohfourfoxache · 30/04/2015 13:34

Oh Jesus.....

So sorry you're going through this x

FujimotosElixir · 30/04/2015 13:44

god im so sorry op, big hugs. i agree with fontella about the location being hurtful, i would perhaps iys sebd him away for a while. i think him lying the first time is a bit of a red flag too.

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