another baby? would it be madness?

[rojboj]

How do you know?

Been with DP just over a year. Planning to move in together shortly. Both have DC of our own already.

We have a great relationship. Talk all the time about everything and anything. No real arguments because we don't have anything to argue about. Financially we're both pretty comfortable. I own my own home subject to a small mortgage that I should pay off in the next 5 years.

We have a nice life. But I do keep thinking about babies. He's not averse to it at all, but as different attitudes to parenting was a major flashpoint between him and his ex, he's concerned it may cause arguments and stresses where there currently are none. Which is a fair point esp as my Ex and I also argued a lot over the DC.

Also none of our DC are babies, the age range is 7-17. We are not far off being able to leave even the youngest for short periods of 10 mins...DP thinks it will be hard to go back to the needy baby stage from that. Not to mention the sleepless nights!

Also it might be too late anyway, I'm in my 40s and most women in my family go through menopause in their late 40s. So I may already be perimenopausal by now.

Rationally I can see the reasons against...but part of me still yearns for one more baby. And I don't quite understand why. Especially asi feel if I was told it wasn't possible, I'd feel sad initially but it wouldn't seem the end of the world.

[lunar1]

It's the absolute disregard for the feelings of your potential step children that makes me say it's a bad idea. If you don't consider them now then there is no way you will if you have another child.

[expatinscotland]

The thing is, your desire for another baby, at least as evinced of here, is over-riding everything else to the point where you are minimising very important elements that may have a huge impact on everyone else's life. Sometimes it's not about having what you want, it's wanting what you've got.

[TTTatty]

I do get where you are coming from and am/have been in a similar situation. Met my husband at 39, really happy. We have five children between us (14-24). I really would have liked to have done the baby thing with him. I feel sad that we won't - I think we would have been great at raising a child together. However, we are just that little bit too old and age gap for all the children would be too great.
It is hard to make the choice to not try, accepting that your baby days are over even though you and your partner are so happy together.
If my husband and I had met 10yrs ago we definitely would have but we didn't.

My advice would be to change your view of how your relationship can look. The meet, move in, have a baby doesn't have to be the norm. We have such great trips and are very close as a couple, our children get on and I am really grateful for what we have.

I also suspect that if pushed your partner will be more certain of not wanting a baby - his bio clock is not raging! He is hoping it is a passing fad for you. My husband would have liked us to have met ages ago and had children but he does not harbour any sadness about not having one now.
Sometimes you just have to accept that a certain phase of your life is over but then you can really embrace a different one!

[Bogeyface]

And now I've got the relationship but I probably won't get the baby.

Your fantasy of a happy relationship and a baby with a loving supportive man got you through the bad times, I can see that. But that doesnt mean that this is actually a good thing to do.

Fantasies can be great but the problem with them is that they bear no resemblance to reality. In your head you meet Mr Wonderful and he sweeps you off your feet and is the most amazing father in the world. He looks after you every day of your pregnancy, cries when the baby is born and does all the night feeds so you dont have to. He is the man you dreamed of when your abusive ex was shouting at you to shut the baby up, do the cleaning, cook his meal......

In reality, he has to work, the baby wont settle and is up 5 times a night, you are both cranky and tired, you have stupid arguments about stupid things, he goes to the pub after work one night and you want to tear his head off, he comes home to the washing up not done and lays into you, you cant afford to go out because of the reduced income, not that that is an issue because you havent got a babysitter, his kids stop seeing him because they are jealous of the baby, your kids are angry that this screaming child is taking all of your time...... this is what happens when a baby comes along and it can be hard to deal with that in the strongest of marriages, but in a relationship that would be barely 2 years old its a recipe for disaster.

As a PP said, you want it all but are in very real danger of ending up with less than you started with.

Your ex treated you badly and wasnt the father or partner he should have been, but that doesnt mean that your boyfriend should make up for it. Having a new baby wont erase the pain or bad treatment you have had in the past, it wont stop the feelings of hurt and abandonment that your ex left you with, and in fact it could make it worse especially if you boyfriend isnt on board and leaves you. You are putting far too much onto his shoulders, he cant change your past and your future wont match up to the Utopian dream you have in your head. Yes it could all be utterly wonderful but equally it could all go to hell, is it worth the risk?

Did you ever have counselling to help you deal with your feelings after your abusive relationship ended? It seems like you are using this new relationship to try and heal your wounds from the last one, and thats a hell of a thing to lay on someone, and downright cruel to lay on a baby.

[RunnerHasbeen]

I think you need to stop seeing a lovely, easily conceived baby as the inevitable outcome. You should only consider this in your forties if you are in a relationship strong enough to handle failing to conceive month after month and the very real risk of miscarriages and problems. Having had your babies young you are assuming it will be wham, bam, baby.

I would at least wait until you have lived together a while, the dust has settled for your DSC and you know he will be supportive if ttc is a hard road. A new relationship where he doesn't want another child anyway is a recipe for disaster. You might end up with neither the partner or baby and teenage kids desperate to flee the nest because all their mum cares about is having another baby.

[hereandtherex]

Your (getting) too old.
You have too many kids.
Your relationship is too new.

No.

[Isetan]

This is your bio clock talking, totally understandable but not very rational.

The fact is your potential baby daddy doesn't want children yet (understandably so) and your ticking bio clock won't sway him. It's unlikely you'll have it all, which means you'll have to prioritise.

What is more important you? Baby or a relationship with this man because right now (reluctant partner) and most probably in the future (fertility issues) you can't have both.

[DressedUpJustLikeEdie]

But you've only been with him a year which is nothing really. Do you want to risk outting yourself back in a situation where you are trapped by children and cannot leave if you need to? I would say just enjoy your relationship and the children you already have and don't complicate things.

[GColdtimer]

Good post bogey. However I suspect op won't be back because we are not telling her what she wants to hear.

I feel for you OP but I think you are being unrealistic.