another baby? would it be madness?

[rojboj]

How do you know?

Been with DP just over a year. Planning to move in together shortly. Both have DC of our own already.

We have a great relationship. Talk all the time about everything and anything. No real arguments because we don't have anything to argue about. Financially we're both pretty comfortable. I own my own home subject to a small mortgage that I should pay off in the next 5 years.

We have a nice life. But I do keep thinking about babies. He's not averse to it at all, but as different attitudes to parenting was a major flashpoint between him and his ex, he's concerned it may cause arguments and stresses where there currently are none. Which is a fair point esp as my Ex and I also argued a lot over the DC.

Also none of our DC are babies, the age range is 7-17. We are not far off being able to leave even the youngest for short periods of 10 mins...DP thinks it will be hard to go back to the needy baby stage from that. Not to mention the sleepless nights!

Also it might be too late anyway, I'm in my 40s and most women in my family go through menopause in their late 40s. So I may already be perimenopausal by now.

Rationally I can see the reasons against...but part of me still yearns for one more baby. And I don't quite understand why. Especially asi feel if I was told it wasn't possible, I'd feel sad initially but it wouldn't seem the end of the world.

[GColdtimer]

Good post bogey. However I suspect op won't be back because we are not telling her what she wants to hear.

I feel for you OP but I think you are being unrealistic.

[DressedUpJustLikeEdie]

But you've only been with him a year which is nothing really. Do you want to risk outting yourself back in a situation where you are trapped by children and cannot leave if you need to? I would say just enjoy your relationship and the children you already have and don't complicate things.

[Isetan]

This is your bio clock talking, totally understandable but not very rational.

The fact is your potential baby daddy doesn't want children yet (understandably so) and your ticking bio clock won't sway him. It's unlikely you'll have it all, which means you'll have to prioritise.

What is more important you? Baby or a relationship with this man because right now (reluctant partner) and most probably in the future (fertility issues) you can't have both.

[hereandtherex]

Your (getting) too old.
You have too many kids.
Your relationship is too new.

No.

[RunnerHasbeen]

I think you need to stop seeing a lovely, easily conceived baby as the inevitable outcome. You should only consider this in your forties if you are in a relationship strong enough to handle failing to conceive month after month and the very real risk of miscarriages and problems. Having had your babies young you are assuming it will be wham, bam, baby.

I would at least wait until you have lived together a while, the dust has settled for your DSC and you know he will be supportive if ttc is a hard road. A new relationship where he doesn't want another child anyway is a recipe for disaster. You might end up with neither the partner or baby and teenage kids desperate to flee the nest because all their mum cares about is having another baby.

[Bogeyface]

And now I've got the relationship but I probably won't get the baby.

Your fantasy of a happy relationship and a baby with a loving supportive man got you through the bad times, I can see that. But that doesnt mean that this is actually a good thing to do.

Fantasies can be great but the problem with them is that they bear no resemblance to reality. In your head you meet Mr Wonderful and he sweeps you off your feet and is the most amazing father in the world. He looks after you every day of your pregnancy, cries when the baby is born and does all the night feeds so you dont have to. He is the man you dreamed of when your abusive ex was shouting at you to shut the baby up, do the cleaning, cook his meal......

In reality, he has to work, the baby wont settle and is up 5 times a night, you are both cranky and tired, you have stupid arguments about stupid things, he goes to the pub after work one night and you want to tear his head off, he comes home to the washing up not done and lays into you, you cant afford to go out because of the reduced income, not that that is an issue because you havent got a babysitter, his kids stop seeing him because they are jealous of the baby, your kids are angry that this screaming child is taking all of your time...... this is what happens when a baby comes along and it can be hard to deal with that in the strongest of marriages, but in a relationship that would be barely 2 years old its a recipe for disaster.

As a PP said, you want it all but are in very real danger of ending up with less than you started with.

Your ex treated you badly and wasnt the father or partner he should have been, but that doesnt mean that your boyfriend should make up for it. Having a new baby wont erase the pain or bad treatment you have had in the past, it wont stop the feelings of hurt and abandonment that your ex left you with, and in fact it could make it worse especially if you boyfriend isnt on board and leaves you. You are putting far too much onto his shoulders, he cant change your past and your future wont match up to the Utopian dream you have in your head. Yes it could all be utterly wonderful but equally it could all go to hell, is it worth the risk?

Did you ever have counselling to help you deal with your feelings after your abusive relationship ended? It seems like you are using this new relationship to try and heal your wounds from the last one, and thats a hell of a thing to lay on someone, and downright cruel to lay on a baby.

[TTTatty]

I do get where you are coming from and am/have been in a similar situation. Met my husband at 39, really happy. We have five children between us (14-24). I really would have liked to have done the baby thing with him. I feel sad that we won't - I think we would have been great at raising a child together. However, we are just that little bit too old and age gap for all the children would be too great.
It is hard to make the choice to not try, accepting that your baby days are over even though you and your partner are so happy together.
If my husband and I had met 10yrs ago we definitely would have but we didn't.

My advice would be to change your view of how your relationship can look. The meet, move in, have a baby doesn't have to be the norm. We have such great trips and are very close as a couple, our children get on and I am really grateful for what we have.

I also suspect that if pushed your partner will be more certain of not wanting a baby - his bio clock is not raging! He is hoping it is a passing fad for you. My husband would have liked us to have met ages ago and had children but he does not harbour any sadness about not having one now.
Sometimes you just have to accept that a certain phase of your life is over but then you can really embrace a different one!

[expatinscotland]

The thing is, your desire for another baby, at least as evinced of here, is over-riding everything else to the point where you are minimising very important elements that may have a huge impact on everyone else's life. Sometimes it's not about having what you want, it's wanting what you've got.

[lunar1]

It's the absolute disregard for the feelings of your potential step children that makes me say it's a bad idea. If you don't consider them now then there is no way you will if you have another child.

[rojboj]

I'm surprised that basically everyone thinks it's a terrible idea. I didn't expect every post to agree with me, but I did think there might be more of a mix of opinion.

My relationship with my DCs father was abusive. I stayed much longer than I should have, at least in part because I had no means of escape. No family at all, no friends who would help (they all considered my relationship to be fine, despite knowing of the abuse, and laughed at the idea I might ever leave). What kept me going was partly the children I already had, but also the idea that one day I'd have a happier life, a good relationship, one where I had another baby and get married. I thought about that all the time. It was how I coped.

And then I spent so long single I thought I'd never meet anyone. I did consider ivf by donor about 3 years ago, but held off because I felt although I wanted a baby I didn't want to be a single parent again (having gone through 2 pregnancies and births either actually or effectively alone) so I waited.

And now I've got the relationship but I probably won't get the baby.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

We only see his DC every other weekend, so there won't be much impact to them by us moving in together (as they already spend time at my house) or another baby really. Well, I don't think there would be.

Have you read any posts on the step parenting board?

Situations you may encounter include:

His DCs unhappy when you move in together despite being happy with him "staying" at your house. Their dad moving in with you could well change your status in his life in their eyes from "dads girlfriend" to "dads partner". That can have a big impact on DCs.

Change in attitude towards you and their half sibling as they get older; teen stepDCs sometimes reject previously loved and involved stepparents (temporarily) as a way of coping with the complex loyalties and emotions they experience as they begin to have an adult understanding of relationships. .

In contrast, His DCs may decide they want spend more time with, or even to live with their dad as they get older - or circumstances might dictate that their dad becomes primary parent.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't have another baby, but at least go into the next stage of your life with your eyes open - don't drift into step parenting without a realistic idea of its impact before you bring another DC into the mix.

[SocialMediaAddict]

I'm 41 and couldn't imagine starting again with a baby. I have 3. I love my increasing freedom and lie in's!

You don't live with him. I wouldn't throw a baby in the mix.

[lunar1]

You are already discounting the effect of a sibling on his children as if it's not relevant because he is such a part time dad already. I honestly hope you don't go ahead with another child as you don't seem to consider anyone but yourself.

You don't even live together yet.

[category1]

You're just getting to the point where you can leave your youngest for short periods, and you're pushing that freedom away? You're institutionalised .

• I think it's too early in your relationship.
  
• I think you saying you have never experienced a proper relationship without children was rather telling. Maybe it's time to find out?
  
• I think that having a tiny room suitable for a baby doesn't mean you actually have space for another person.
  

I think that his fear of it damaging what you have together is telling.

[DressedUpJustLikeEdie]

I don't think you should do it.

You already both have more than one child each by the sounds of things - that's enough between you.

You haven't known him long enough. If his ex has issues over conflicting attitudes to parenting then possibly so will you. You might see a whole new side to him that you don't like.

You are pushing your luck age wise - what about the health risks to the child? Fine if you've never had a child and are desperate to try, but that's not the case so why chance it? Not to mention the fact that a new baby now will set you back so far in terms of your financial stability as you approach retirement age.

He doesn't sound all that into it to be honest.

Yes of course it will be hard going back to the baby stage when your other children are so much older.

I think of any reasons to say go ahead.

[GColdtimer]

I think you are underestimating the impact a new baby could have on his dc especially. I also think he is leaving himself a get out of jail card if it impacts your relationship. Neither of my dc slept through until they went to school. Just imagine the reality of that with all 4 DC at home and trying to juggle work too. I can sympathise but don't think this is the right thing to do.

[however]

I'm pretty sure another sibling would be a major impact on the children you already both have. how could it not be?

[expatinscotland]

You're talking yourself into this. Without having moved the relationship on to living together. This is your biological clock talking. How would you feel about a foetus with abnormalities, one born with some you cannot tell first or prematurely, or being a single parent again?

[Twinklestein]

What kind of issues did they have about parenting?

[rojboj]

I do think a lot of the issues with him and his ex were because they were very different people. We're much more similar in our views. Though that's not to say we wouldn't still disagree over stuff.

I am finding this hard though. I went out to the gym earlier and passed 2 mums out pushing their babies in prams. And thought I probably won't be doing that, I've bought my last pram (15 years ago!) etc.

[Blarblarblar]

rojboj you can guarantee it won't effect your relationship which leaves you open for him to turn around at a later date and say that this was what you wanted not what he signed up for.

[gateauxauxfruits]

According to the Mayo Clinic the odds of a Down Syndrome baby are 1 in 100 at 40, 1 in 30 at 45. That is, more likely at 45 than throwing a double six with dice. That would answer the question for me.

[expatinscotland]

'My main concern is my relationship, I've waited so long to meet DP I wouldn't want it all to go wrong if we had a baby. I could wait, but frankly my chances at 42 are already pretty low, another year and it would almost certainly be too late.'

It's a really serious concern given you both had issues with your ex's regarding parenting differences, and this is a new relationship.

Twinklestein speaks sense.

[rojboj]

I think if we just said let's leave it to fate, I'd be ok with that, but from what we discussed I don't think DP would agree to that, unless I could somehow allay his concerns over it affecting our relationship if I did then have a baby.

[Blarblarblar]

There's a danger of 'wanting it all' and ending up with less than you started with. very true. I would normally think go for it but you already have kids. You waited so long to meet someone lovely why risk it