another baby? would it be madness?

[rojboj]

How do you know?

Been with DP just over a year. Planning to move in together shortly. Both have DC of our own already.

We have a great relationship. Talk all the time about everything and anything. No real arguments because we don't have anything to argue about. Financially we're both pretty comfortable. I own my own home subject to a small mortgage that I should pay off in the next 5 years.

We have a nice life. But I do keep thinking about babies. He's not averse to it at all, but as different attitudes to parenting was a major flashpoint between him and his ex, he's concerned it may cause arguments and stresses where there currently are none. Which is a fair point esp as my Ex and I also argued a lot over the DC.

Also none of our DC are babies, the age range is 7-17. We are not far off being able to leave even the youngest for short periods of 10 mins...DP thinks it will be hard to go back to the needy baby stage from that. Not to mention the sleepless nights!

Also it might be too late anyway, I'm in my 40s and most women in my family go through menopause in their late 40s. So I may already be perimenopausal by now.

Rationally I can see the reasons against...but part of me still yearns for one more baby. And I don't quite understand why. Especially asi feel if I was told it wasn't possible, I'd feel sad initially but it wouldn't seem the end of the world.

[expatinscotland]

'But equally I don't want to spend years feeling sad about the child I didn't have.'

But you haven't even given the relationship a chance. You haven't even moved in together and worked on blending your families as a couple.


'He's not averse to it at all, but as different attitudes to parenting was a major flashpoint between him and his ex, he's concerned it may cause arguments and stresses where there currently are none. Which is a fair point esp as my Ex and I also argued a lot over the DC.'

I think you have baby fever due to age. I'm 44 myself, but never wanted anymore after my last that I had at 37, but have a lot of friends who do now. Which is fine, but this is a really valid point he brings up.

Your heart and hormones are screaming, 'BABY!' but you owe it to all your children to listen to the heads first, work on the relationship and really come to terms with parenting attitudes.

[wallypops]

We are in a similar position to you, although are kids are younger - 4 kids between 6 & 10. We are in our mid 40s now. When we got together we talked about it a lot, but in the end the mind won. It would have meant working for an extra 10 years to give the last the same chances as the others, which for me was too much to really consider. We get very little time together alone as it is, and as time goes on we really appreciate that time, and are both really looking forward to being able to chill together in our retirement.

If it happened by accident, then we would obviously go ahead, but working hard for an extra decade, plus having even less sleep, would probably reduce our life spans for the long awaited retirement. I use the coil, so the likelihood of an accident is small. However neither of us are quite ready to be sterilised either!

Can I suggest that you start thinking about how your retirement is going to look? Will you be travelling for example? When I was in Cambodia about 15 years ago, I met a couple who had sold there house as soon as their kids had left home and bought a boat and were travelling round the world. They would dock in a port, and travel the area. A real inspiration.

[venusandmars]

I think you are way, way underplaying the impact on your dc and his dc. One of is dc is only 7 (if I read your previous posts correctly) and I imagine it could have a massive impact for them to see their Dad only every 2nd weekend, but know that their half sibling has Daddy's attention all the time.

And if it is not practical or rational to get a puppy, then why on earth a child??

I was in a similar situation, would have loved a child between us, hormones were raging, but our first priority was to our existing children, their security and happiness, and also to our won relationship and investing in that for the long term. So we decided not to have another child.

Did I have moments of sadness? - yes of course.
Did I feel horrendous broody pangs? - yes
Were there moments when I would have begged for 'an accident' to happen? - yes
But now, 12 years later, am I happy about the decision we made - yes completely.

[MatildaTheCat]

OP, I promise you that organising and financing doggy daycare is vastly easier than childcare.

[Bogeyface]

Leave this decision until you have lived together for at least 6 months. Getting on well when you dont have each others annoying habits in your face 24/7 is easy, the first year of living together is notoriously difficult as you get used to each other. My sister and her now DH almost split in their first year living together despite being utterly devoted for the previous 5!

[Bogeyface]

And I agree with a PP, how on earth is it not practical to have a puppy but it is ok to have a child?!

[operaha]

woweeeee I could have written this a year ago. in the first year together me and dp ( both with children ) thought we'd like to have one together.... ours are 9-18 so similar. mine the older, his eow as well.
Then we started going on holiday and thinking about things practically and now..... NO BLOODY WAY!!!!!!
We've had a dream trip to America, many European trips and are off to Thailand this summer. Our baby days are done and I'm so glad we didn't embark on that new phase together. However, traveling is really important to us as its something we both regret not doing when younger (i had dd at 17). A baby would be nice, but similarly, we don't argue, a baby would change everything.
I'm 35 he's 41.

It's a no from me

[rojboj]

If I had a baby, I'd get mat leave. I might also work flexibly/ partly from home after mat leave. Neither of those is really an option with a puppy! Also I couldn't send it to a childminder a dog will have to wait til we retire in about 15 years.

I can see that for some people travel would be a good reason not to have more DC, but I've never had much desire to travel, a beach holiday every couple of years does me fine. Maybe that makes me boring.

I don't think a baby would alter my retirement plans significantly. Even if I reduced my hours (if I had a baby) I'd still have cleared my mortgage in 10 years time.

My main concern is my relationship, I've waited so long to meet DP I wouldn't want it all to go wrong if we had a baby. I could wait, but frankly my chances at 42 are already pretty low, another year and it would almost certainly be too late.

[Twinklestein]

I think you're quite right to be concerned about your relationship, particularly as parenting issues were a problem in his previous one.

If you want to retire in 15 years, when your child will be at most 14, you'll still have years of school and university fees to consider.

There's a danger of 'wanting it all' and ending up with less than you started with.

[Blarblarblar]

There's a danger of 'wanting it all' and ending up with less than you started with. very true. I would normally think go for it but you already have kids. You waited so long to meet someone lovely why risk it

[rojboj]

I think if we just said let's leave it to fate, I'd be ok with that, but from what we discussed I don't think DP would agree to that, unless I could somehow allay his concerns over it affecting our relationship if I did then have a baby.

[expatinscotland]

'My main concern is my relationship, I've waited so long to meet DP I wouldn't want it all to go wrong if we had a baby. I could wait, but frankly my chances at 42 are already pretty low, another year and it would almost certainly be too late.'

It's a really serious concern given you both had issues with your ex's regarding parenting differences, and this is a new relationship.

Twinklestein speaks sense.

[gateauxauxfruits]

According to the Mayo Clinic the odds of a Down Syndrome baby are 1 in 100 at 40, 1 in 30 at 45. That is, more likely at 45 than throwing a double six with dice. That would answer the question for me.

[Blarblarblar]

rojboj you can guarantee it won't effect your relationship which leaves you open for him to turn around at a later date and say that this was what you wanted not what he signed up for.

[rojboj]

I do think a lot of the issues with him and his ex were because they were very different people. We're much more similar in our views. Though that's not to say we wouldn't still disagree over stuff.

I am finding this hard though. I went out to the gym earlier and passed 2 mums out pushing their babies in prams. And thought I probably won't be doing that, I've bought my last pram (15 years ago!) etc.

[Twinklestein]

What kind of issues did they have about parenting?

[expatinscotland]

You're talking yourself into this. Without having moved the relationship on to living together. This is your biological clock talking. How would you feel about a foetus with abnormalities, one born with some you cannot tell first or prematurely, or being a single parent again?

[however]

I'm pretty sure another sibling would be a major impact on the children you already both have. how could it not be?

[GColdtimer]

I think you are underestimating the impact a new baby could have on his dc especially. I also think he is leaving himself a get out of jail card if it impacts your relationship. Neither of my dc slept through until they went to school. Just imagine the reality of that with all 4 DC at home and trying to juggle work too. I can sympathise but don't think this is the right thing to do.

[DressedUpJustLikeEdie]

I don't think you should do it.

You already both have more than one child each by the sounds of things - that's enough between you.

You haven't known him long enough. If his ex has issues over conflicting attitudes to parenting then possibly so will you. You might see a whole new side to him that you don't like.

You are pushing your luck age wise - what about the health risks to the child? Fine if you've never had a child and are desperate to try, but that's not the case so why chance it? Not to mention the fact that a new baby now will set you back so far in terms of your financial stability as you approach retirement age.

He doesn't sound all that into it to be honest.

Yes of course it will be hard going back to the baby stage when your other children are so much older.

I think of any reasons to say go ahead.

[category1]

You're just getting to the point where you can leave your youngest for short periods, and you're pushing that freedom away? You're institutionalised .

• I think it's too early in your relationship.
  
• I think you saying you have never experienced a proper relationship without children was rather telling. Maybe it's time to find out?
  
• I think that having a tiny room suitable for a baby doesn't mean you actually have space for another person.
  

I think that his fear of it damaging what you have together is telling.

[lunar1]

You are already discounting the effect of a sibling on his children as if it's not relevant because he is such a part time dad already. I honestly hope you don't go ahead with another child as you don't seem to consider anyone but yourself.

You don't even live together yet.

[SocialMediaAddict]

I'm 41 and couldn't imagine starting again with a baby. I have 3. I love my increasing freedom and lie in's!

You don't live with him. I wouldn't throw a baby in the mix.

[PeruvianFoodLover]

We only see his DC every other weekend, so there won't be much impact to them by us moving in together (as they already spend time at my house) or another baby really. Well, I don't think there would be.

Have you read any posts on the step parenting board?

Situations you may encounter include:

His DCs unhappy when you move in together despite being happy with him "staying" at your house. Their dad moving in with you could well change your status in his life in their eyes from "dads girlfriend" to "dads partner". That can have a big impact on DCs.

Change in attitude towards you and their half sibling as they get older; teen stepDCs sometimes reject previously loved and involved stepparents (temporarily) as a way of coping with the complex loyalties and emotions they experience as they begin to have an adult understanding of relationships. .

In contrast, His DCs may decide they want spend more time with, or even to live with their dad as they get older - or circumstances might dictate that their dad becomes primary parent.

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't have another baby, but at least go into the next stage of your life with your eyes open - don't drift into step parenting without a realistic idea of its impact before you bring another DC into the mix.

[rojboj]

I'm surprised that basically everyone thinks it's a terrible idea. I didn't expect every post to agree with me, but I did think there might be more of a mix of opinion.

My relationship with my DCs father was abusive. I stayed much longer than I should have, at least in part because I had no means of escape. No family at all, no friends who would help (they all considered my relationship to be fine, despite knowing of the abuse, and laughed at the idea I might ever leave). What kept me going was partly the children I already had, but also the idea that one day I'd have a happier life, a good relationship, one where I had another baby and get married. I thought about that all the time. It was how I coped.

And then I spent so long single I thought I'd never meet anyone. I did consider ivf by donor about 3 years ago, but held off because I felt although I wanted a baby I didn't want to be a single parent again (having gone through 2 pregnancies and births either actually or effectively alone) so I waited.

And now I've got the relationship but I probably won't get the baby.