fool me once shame on you. fool me twice, shame on you again.

[brokenhearted2015]

I need hand holding but more so I need to ask advice as to why would you hurt someone you love. If they give you everything you want, you feel like the luckiest man to have a wonderful caring and attractive woman, who gets you and you can finally be yourself (his words). Then why would you do stupid things to risk this. Knowing it would hurt her if she found out.

I did find out. Once before and I left and he begged for forgiveness, it wasn’t a feeling of being trapped or unloved or unhappy, he didn’t know why he did it. He set up a profile on a dating website and chatted to girls. How did I find out. Well call me cynical but when a man gets quieter I get wary. Past relationships have told me to watch for signs. I search 3 popular dating sites. There he was. He cried he begged and I took him back. Two years later we are engaged and I am so happy. We’re going to set up house together. I never pushed and made him feel he had to. So he could never accuse me of that. I was happy, we were happy. We decided to have a night away and get awayfrom work and mundane.He organised it and was wonderful. I couldn’t have been happier knowing this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Any ups and downs we talked , totally honest and we felt lucky. For some reason when we got up the next day and he was in the shower I found myself standing beside his phone. I honestly don’t know why I checked it I never have and certainly didn’t have cause. I found a text from a woman who I never heard of and she had sent him a picture hoping he liked it. I was gutted. He came out of the shower and I told him what I had done. I showed him the text/pic. I asked him calmly to explain. He told me he didn’t know who she was why she sent, he hadn’t replied, if he were up to anything would he have left it on phone etc. he was angry. The more angry he got the more dread came over me. I didn’t want a huge argument. What was the point. We ate breakfast, polite conversation. He drove me home, we discussed normal things. All while the elephant was in the room. He presumably thinking he was in the clear and things were fine.
As I got out of the car I looked at him and said, please tell me the truth. That’s what is the one thing in a relationship that keeps it together. No matter how bad just tell me.
He replied, I told you the truth, I don’t know who she is. I don’t know how she got my number.
I kissed him on the cheek, told him I loved him, but would never see him again. He laughed and said don’t be ridiculous.
I closed the car door and didn’t look back. I turned off my phone and it has been three days. I have been staying with my sister, I haven’t told anyone else as I’m ashamed to. I have seen the texts he has sent to my phone and I haven’t replied. I turn it on at the end of the evening , read them and turn off phone.He is using every piece of sweet talk. The only text I wanted was honesty and apology. But he can’t even do that. He doesn’t know where I am and that’s how I want it rightnow. I haven’t cried because I’m shocked. But I’m more upset at the fact that I loved him with all my heart and now I feel like a fool. I never saw this. I was truly happy.
Why? If it were me I’d own up by now. I wouldn’t beg , I’d just be honest and fix it.
Why do this to someone you claim you love and want to be with. It has shattered my faith/confidence and trust. I can’t even look at myself without thinking I wasn’t good enough.
I love him and want him and the life we both wanted, but I’ve read enough stories here to be strongright now and do n/c. I hate ignoring him. It feels awful. But I can’t accept that he’s telling the truth. It would make me look like a doormat and a right fool if I said ok I love you too, it’s ok.
He has taken away the dream I had. For that I hate him right now. But I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready to wipe out our 4 and half years together yet as a waste.
If you’re still readying I’m sorry it’s so long, my head is jumbled up and I’m trying to be strong.

Sorry you've been hurt. Well done on keeping NC.

The reason he's done it is that he's one of the many men people in this world who like to have more than one sexual partner at a time, but won't be honest about it, and will therefore do it if they think they can get away with it.

It makes no difference how much sex you have with him, what type, how often, what you look like, you could give him a massage and a blowjob every night - he would still go chasing other women. Because the problem lies with him, not with you.

As much as they love you in their own way, they love themselves more.

Sorry you found one of the bad apples. So glad you were strong enough to end it

thanks for kind words, it's really hard as i have name changed here as i give sound advice normally and didn't think i'd have to be in this situationmyself to talk myself into the clear next steps.
i know step one is to not rave like a madwoman.that if he denies that this is all i'll get. so no point going that route. to keep talking and argueing about it only upsets me , and we would get nowhere. i'd end up feeling i was being the one in the wrong for ending a great relationship. i feel that already and haveto stop that thinking.
But what's the next stage? i keep nc up. i never answer door or email. I send the ring back. I mean that's what upsets me. will i get to a stage where i don't know him anymore and feel all this time was a waste. That is soul destroying. I kept away from relationships for this reason and here I am in the one place i hate. Self doubt, hate/love and questions that will never be answered. It all seems so wrong, he is the one i turn to when i feel sad and I can't turn to him. he has empathy , hates users, is considerate and loving so why do this to someone you love. i just don't get it.

Telling somebody that you love them is very easy to do, you can even do that when you don't mean it. You might mean it when you tell people you love them - this man obviously doesn't mean it.

Don't end things and go back because you're setting yourself up again in that you know that he's lying to you and if you go back, you're tacitly accepting them. Next time he'll be more careful to conceal these things from you.

It's over and that's why you're sad. Don't count the years wasted, count the ones you have in front of you ready to find somebody trustworthy and willing to be honest with you.

If I had to guess I'd say it's a combination of him being needy and insecure and seeing women as something you can use as a substitute for emotional security and good self esteem.

I think you should keep up the n/c until you feel strong enough to be focussing on you and your life and not him and how he's feeling/behaving.

No time you spend with anyone is a waste and nor is giving a relationship a try, even if it turns out wrong in the end. What matters is you have it a try and you were strong enough to give him a chance and then strongly walk away when he crossed the boundaries again.

((Hug))

Sounds like you are still hoping he will be able to fix this - do you honestly think you could ever trust him again though. He will obviously not stop this behaviour - he is not a one woman man.

You need to accept that he will never make you happy, the future you imagined with him was not based on reality and could simply not happen - he isn't capable.

So, if he tells you the truth will you take him back?

I do know what you mean about the truth, but in this case I can't help thinking "does it matter"?

He has no respect for you, you know the truth.

Even if he tells you himself, he still has no respect!

Even if he did admit it, how would that change anything? He sounds like a serial cheat, this is the second time you ha've caught him out.

I am sure he does love you but he also loves chasing other women.

words are easy to say. They just come out of your mouth. They take no effort at all. Actions are what count. Actions and choices are what tell you if the person means what they say or if they are full of shit.

The words coming out of his mouth may be declarations of love sounding like they're straight out the slushiest novel, but his actions prove his words a lie.

I can tell you I love you all day, you are my world, life without you is nothing, you make me complete, my love, my darling, my everything...but if I treat you like shit and make a fool of you, my words mean fuck all.

To answer your question about why - it's very simple. Because they want to. Because what they want to do matters more than you, how you feel, what you want, what would hurt you.

Your mistake is in trusting his words more than his choices and actions.

What did you mean by the title?

It may be 4.5 years with him but the best thing you could have done for your future is getting rid of him. You've found this a second time, do you really want to spend your precious life stumbling upon these lies down the road? He is a bad one, you deserve so much more than this.
I agree with op who says it's easy to tell someone you love them, treating them like you love them is the hard part. And he hasn't treated you in a good way, choose better for yourself.

Sorry you're going through this. But you sound like you want to sort it out with him, why?

This is the second time you've caught him out, there will be more times as he knows you forgive and take him back.

I think pocket saviour has spoken wise words, nothing you give/do/say will change him.

I've been through similar, we had a very young child and I felt terrible for months.

But it gets easier over time, and if you go back it will just happen again and again.

" i'd end up feeling i was being the one in the wrong for ending a great relationship"

If I'm understanding correctly, you are NOT the one who has ended it - he has. One of your conditions was that he was faithful to you and he's not been. Even though he promised , many times .

And it's not a great relationship , it is ? He's cheated on you at least twice. And you know , don't you, that's just the ones you have found out about ? He won't stop because he doesn't want to. He doesn't see why he should , he feels entitled to do what he's doing.

You said he's ended your dream . Sadly it was only your dream , not his. You want monogamy, he doesn't. You are completely , fundamentally incompatible . The only way it will work is it you agree to him having sex with other women or you agree to turn a blind eye to it and pretend that everything is ok . Are you happy to do either of these ?

I know it does feel like it, but you've had a lucky escape. You don't live together, your not married or have kids with him . You can just walk away .

Indeed, those years weren't wasted. You were happy. OK, some of the happiness was about hope for the future, a future which isn't going to happen now through no fault of your own. But the fun stuff you did together, the laughs, the company, that was real. If you hadn't taken the chance of forgiving the first time you would always have been wondering whether you did the right thing, and if you hadn't got together with someone nice in that time (you probably would have, but there's no guarantee - you could have dated a series of assholes) you would be lamenting the 4.5 years for a different reason.

I can't believe how much dignity and strength you mustered for that final goodbye; that was truly awesome. I don't suppose it's a lot of comfort to you right now but one thing you can take away is pride in how you handled things. Breaking up is shit no matter how much it needs to be done. By doing it the way you did your ex will be in no doubt that he threw away someone truly special. Sadly it's not likely to sink in to the extent that he wouldn't do it again.

I do think he probably loves/loved you in his own way, but primarily loves himself, along with novelty and the thrill of the illicit. It's like wondering why an explorer isn't content with his nice home and garden - some people will always crave more. I bet he's lamenting right now, not what he did, but that you found out and/or weren't prepared to turn a blind eye. You can't make a life with someone who has that attitude. It's not the infidelity per se, it's the lack of respect and empathy, that's the real killer. (The possibility of STDs is a sordid extra.)

Every relationship is a risk. You made yourself vulnerable which is right and good, because no relationship can succeed if we don't open ourselves up in it and unfortunately this particular risk didn't work out. I'm sorry you are hurting now. You did not cause this.

No, you may not "get" it, since he otherwise seemed intelligent and empathic. So perhaps just work on accepting it: he cheated on you, more than once, because he just chose to behave like that. With all the knowledge in place about how this would affect you, he still chose to do it.

Your thread title is actually very true: he could have chosen to treat you with respect and honesty, and he didn't. It is on him, his choice of behaviour.

I am reading all your responses and I agree. It seems so black and white. But altogether different when you're in it. Lovelytimes where he was amazing and so thoughful come to mind. But then i question the times he was not himself or sharp with me or hurried me on the phone. i now think was there someone else. it hurts so much to think the man i loved and begged me to trust him would do this. i honestly think that he can justify his actions or at least compartmentalise it. he loves me, needs me, wants to be with me but he like others have said is needy for attention when i'm independent and busy and this makes him reach for random women who he doesn't intend meeting, just stroke his ego to ensure he still has it.
I haven't replied to any texts or calls. they are becoming less frequent now.I feel almost I'm hurting him now. But I close my eyes and put myself back in that moment when i saw the mail.Anger and hurt builds up and that keeps me going. it's like putting up an overweight picture on the fridge to keep reminding yourself to not eat rubbish.
I can't believe he did it. that's what goes around in my head 24/7. He has empathy, sees wrong doing. so why the hell didn't he stop himself having this emotional affair. If it was a one night stand and he said he regretted and it was so wrong and eaten up with guilt and showing remorse i'd nearly understand. but it's the backhanded/sly/dishonest carry on that he knew he was encouraging and shouldn't have that upsets me more! The deceit. My brain can't take it in.
taking one day at a time because otherwise i'll start crying at the thought of it all and realising the man i loved i will never see again.

can people compartmentalise and view it as the one I love and feel myself with and the one (s) that mean nothing but are merely entertainment. ??

No, I don't think it is that. I think it is that they are so insecure they have difficulty avoiding their compulsion to get love and attention from others all the time so they lie to themselves about what they are doing and the ultimate outcome is that they don't treat any of the other people as though they are human beings with feelings.

Best off out of it. He needs to grow up I think.

In the immortal words of ru Paul "If you can't love yourself how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" It's not that you weren't worthy of his love it's that unless he has those basic elements of emotional security within himself no amount of feelings for other people are going to override his deep compulsion to use other people as a crutch. It isn't something you can love better for him either. It's something he has to work on on his own. If it is that...

(Went through this with most recent boyfriend who has a past history of using women as emotional crutches).

How awful. I've had a similar experience and know just how painful it is. It will pass in time.

I wish I had handled it with the same dignity you have. I agree with a previous poster who said you were truly awesome.

I suspected you had a recent insight into this offred!!

i do agree with you. i think maturity in himself/ life /work is what he needs.
He had grown so much since i met him. with me i could see how messed up his previous relationships were and not his doing entirely. Also how unhappy in life he was but couldn't change it. with my support i helped him alot. But i suppose this was the one element where i couldn't enlighten him as to how wrong this was to do to me. He has paid a price now.
all his contacting has been that he loves me. what he is doing for the day. not one text lays it out and shows me that he is remorseful. he just can't do it. that to me speaks volumes. he's on his own now to grow up. i don't wish him bad, i can't, i loved him for so long it isn't in me. I just hope some day he realises how this treatment was utterly selfish and distructive. i suspect however, he'll probably just blame me for not caring enough to respond to his now undying love.

badbalding. i'm not proud of myself as such. i wish it never happened. But this time i can't let someone make me look like an idiot. if i were to answer the phone, he'd talk me round. So i have to keep head up high and try to convince myself that i was worth it, he just forgot. But i know there is no point flying off the handle. you wont' get answers anyhow and i'd only let myself down. this way i'm in control.

I wish I'd handled it your way! Still somewhat emotionally entangled with mine. I'm n/c atm and on "a break" at my instigation, moving house on Friday though so will have the option to cut things off completely if I'm able.

offred, does he think you will get back and just need space to come around????