fool me once shame on you. fool me twice, shame on you again.

[brokenhearted2015]

I need hand holding but more so I need to ask advice as to why would you hurt someone you love. If they give you everything you want, you feel like the luckiest man to have a wonderful caring and attractive woman, who gets you and you can finally be yourself (his words). Then why would you do stupid things to risk this. Knowing it would hurt her if she found out.

I did find out. Once before and I left and he begged for forgiveness, it wasn’t a feeling of being trapped or unloved or unhappy, he didn’t know why he did it. He set up a profile on a dating website and chatted to girls. How did I find out. Well call me cynical but when a man gets quieter I get wary. Past relationships have told me to watch for signs. I search 3 popular dating sites. There he was. He cried he begged and I took him back. Two years later we are engaged and I am so happy. We’re going to set up house together. I never pushed and made him feel he had to. So he could never accuse me of that. I was happy, we were happy. We decided to have a night away and get awayfrom work and mundane.He organised it and was wonderful. I couldn’t have been happier knowing this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Any ups and downs we talked , totally honest and we felt lucky. For some reason when we got up the next day and he was in the shower I found myself standing beside his phone. I honestly don’t know why I checked it I never have and certainly didn’t have cause. I found a text from a woman who I never heard of and she had sent him a picture hoping he liked it. I was gutted. He came out of the shower and I told him what I had done. I showed him the text/pic. I asked him calmly to explain. He told me he didn’t know who she was why she sent, he hadn’t replied, if he were up to anything would he have left it on phone etc. he was angry. The more angry he got the more dread came over me. I didn’t want a huge argument. What was the point. We ate breakfast, polite conversation. He drove me home, we discussed normal things. All while the elephant was in the room. He presumably thinking he was in the clear and things were fine.
As I got out of the car I looked at him and said, please tell me the truth. That’s what is the one thing in a relationship that keeps it together. No matter how bad just tell me.
He replied, I told you the truth, I don’t know who she is. I don’t know how she got my number.
I kissed him on the cheek, told him I loved him, but would never see him again. He laughed and said don’t be ridiculous.
I closed the car door and didn’t look back. I turned off my phone and it has been three days. I have been staying with my sister, I haven’t told anyone else as I’m ashamed to. I have seen the texts he has sent to my phone and I haven’t replied. I turn it on at the end of the evening , read them and turn off phone.He is using every piece of sweet talk. The only text I wanted was honesty and apology. But he can’t even do that. He doesn’t know where I am and that’s how I want it rightnow. I haven’t cried because I’m shocked. But I’m more upset at the fact that I loved him with all my heart and now I feel like a fool. I never saw this. I was truly happy.
Why? If it were me I’d own up by now. I wouldn’t beg , I’d just be honest and fix it.
Why do this to someone you claim you love and want to be with. It has shattered my faith/confidence and trust. I can’t even look at myself without thinking I wasn’t good enough.
I love him and want him and the life we both wanted, but I’ve read enough stories here to be strongright now and do n/c. I hate ignoring him. It feels awful. But I can’t accept that he’s telling the truth. It would make me look like a doormat and a right fool if I said ok I love you too, it’s ok.
He has taken away the dream I had. For that I hate him right now. But I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready to wipe out our 4 and half years together yet as a waste.
If you’re still readying I’m sorry it’s so long, my head is jumbled up and I’m trying to be strong.

Going NC is admirable, but it seems like you need to take the next step. Will you be upset when his texts stop? Presumably he's living in your shared house? What's stopping you taking steps to end the relationship totally, reclaim your stuff and your living space, so you can move on?

Its so hard when these tossers behave so badly

You can see where he's coming from??

Oh dear!

A part of you wants him to fk up?

Well he has done & nothing you did forced him to.

He chose to!

You don't owe his any consideration /explanations, but because you are reasonable you feel that you should. That he deserves it?

But all he's doing is trying to get you back so that he can carry on as before.

If he did decide to up and leave, what consideration do you think that he would give you?

He though YOU were looking around so singed up to old?

Oh what utter bollocks!

Don't you dare give him the time of day! He's had 3 days+ NC to fail to apologise and try to blame you for the fact he's fishing for other women?

Change your number, or block his. To continue to talk to him is an insult to your own intelligence.

[gag]

Yes, don't respond. Not even to tell him to fuck off.

What he's not said here is as important as the crap he has said.

He hasn't said he's so sorry, he realises he's totally to blame for his own behaviour and that he has issues he needs to work on.

He's said he thinks you weren't giving him enough attention so you are responsible for his choice to get it somewhere else.

Op I've been through similar in the past. He's showing you who he is and how you're life will be. Please believe him. Yes you would be honest ....you would explain and come clean if this were you.

He won't and now he will just hide things further and further under stones and go more underground possibly with his choice of sites.

I tried for years to work through similar but that gut feeling would always come back.

Be careful.... liars are dangerous to be around.

In some good news (for me) I paid the deposit/rent today and I'm signing the contract and picking up the keys first thing tomorrow. We are taking delivery of new furniture on Friday and the mover is moving the stuff we are taking from the old house (minimal). Also I have set up all the new bills and broadband/telephone etc. First real step to freedom.

Offered - very best wishes for tomorrow , hope it goes smoothly

offred. that's great news. you seem to be organising and taking control. That's what you need to do right now and you must feel proud of yourself. It sounds like a fresh new start. Could you use this time now to say complete new start?

I didn't clarify details to those of you who responded. I'm reading through all and it certainly makes me think. I have left relationships before and had similar once where i found it easy to walk away.
This is different as we do have a great connection and have gone through so much in the time together. it was a few months in that he joined the site. we did discuss it thoroughly and he would have had cause to think i wasn't interested fully as i was cagey back then. i was wary and v tough. he was the first man since my child's father left. so i was aloof and didn't want to be hurt again. we did get over that and have gone from strength to strength, it is me who kept relationship from going to fast, hence i own my own house and didn't want to give that up, nor did i want to upset my childs routine. so i might seem hard work at times. i know i could be more loving and open but that is how i am , i have been hurt before and i am cagey. so when this happened i was taken aback as he knows at this point i'm in it for the long haul. he has been so sweet and generous and attentive that it shocked me.
I know it's bad to think the way i do, if he messed up i'd say see told you, it's like i fear it will cos it seemed to have been so good, too good to be true. he has been v open with me and that's why this has thrown me.
i'm still n/c back to home, but due to work commitments i know he can't come to me. it has given me time to think. i agree with lots everyone is saying, but i know i can be tough. almost too tough and even though i know he loves this about me in one way. he is v upset and finding it impossible to go through his day , so he says in texts. He has said he doesn't know what to do with himself. I do feel bad when i hear this.
this really is shitty....

my head is actuallysaying don't trust him, but my gut is actually screaming he's a good guy. that's what i'm wrestling with.

Stop making excuses for him!

He might have thought that you weren't fully interested, so he got on a dating site?

Lovely!

That's not what considerate people do!

I know you probably want to think it's your 'aloofness' but chances are Op
....he'd be on there regardless.

A form of self torture all this over thinking. You are an honest person with integrity. He unfortunately isn't.

You seem to slowly be turning things round to his choices and behaviour being your fault. They aren't. If you fall for that crock of crap you'll be back here in no time with a thread entitled fool me twice, shame on you, fool me three times at some point I have to admit I need to stop getting fooled...

But - that is your choice. It's one you are perfectly entitled to make. Just make it with your eyes open and know that it's your choice.

Stop taking the blame for him being on a dating site. It has nothing to do with you being tough, wary, cautious or aloof, it is because he is a cheater. That was his choice to make.

He doesn't know what to do with himself because he has been caught out, again.

It is your choice whether to give him a third chance but why would it be different?

He is a good guy for the most part. But he has a flaw which means if what you're after is a one-to-one relationship, you will never be able to be sure that's what you've got. It's a beautiful mug, but it has a crack right through it. It looks fine on the shelf but when you try to use it it simply isn't fit for purpose.

Be honest, do you truly think that the only times he was interested in other women were the two occasions you found out?

I was aloof and dragging my heals when I first got together with my husband. He just waited it out until I got there, he didn't join a dating site.

What if he'd met someone and gone on a date? Would that have been your fault/acceptable? Come on. Stay strong.

Op

Great guys can be cheaters. I think that is who he is.

Your gut is telling you.

The terrible thing is you say all was going great - so why did he feel the need?

He's eroded your trust and once that has happened then it's a long, hard road finding it again.

stop wasting our time. You think he's a weak good guy and you're going to go back. Why bother asking us?

What Quitelikely said is true: Great guys can be cheaters. I think that is who he is.

Your writing about him is tender and hurt, so loving. But he's been a bounder for sure. He didn't respond to your appeal for honesty, I suppose because he didn't trust you might be rational enough to hear him out? It hasn't really registered with him that the dis/honesty might count for more than the flirting, has it? And that's kind of where trust becomes very hard to establish.

The situation - unless you had agreed to non-exclusivity - is conventionally monogamous. He's broken/leaned towards breaking that agreement and then denied all evidence to the contrary.

I have no advice as such. Head and gut speak their own separate truths. So it's about you and your Self, your own pure integrity and your gut feel about what you should do in these circumstances, no matter who he is.

BoozeyTuesday -don't you mean 'stop wasting your time'? In which case, I suggest you don't bother adding to the thread and then your 'time' will not be wasted....

no boozey meant wasting everyones time.
boozey i read alot of posts where it's plain and simple and an op can'tsee the wood for the trees. I say to myself i'd never do xyz. But in real life its so hard. I don't want to regret any decision i make, i have done n/c and hate doing that to anyone, because i need to be clear in my thinking. i have to weigh everything up. i wrote here because sometimes i doubtmy own ideas/thinking and i value what others might see that i can't, or that have more experience than i do wether it worked out or didn't.
I know this topic has been discussed in many forms, but i can't just take someones elses suggestions and say oh that fits my problem exactly either.
there are always two sides and sometimes if something doesn't go how i thought it would it can be easy to slate someone and not give a true description. it's more an emotionally charged or tainted one sided view.

I will make a decision, i'm not doing it for attention or poor me. I'm not that type of person. in fact i almost didn't write here as i felt my issue wasn't awful enough compared to others or warranted taking up peoples time. But i needed thoughts to help me. people in real life might be biased before they even answer.
there are lovely and helpful and suggestive responses here and i have taken them all on board. it makes me sad that he is described in black and white as a cheater, to read that back is sad. but it's all going in. Thank you everyone i am v grateful for taking time to respond.

I think you need to think about how he deals with problems.

You say you were a little aloof in the beginning. He was having trouble with it. So how did he deal? He started with other women. He didn't sit with you and discuss it, wasn't open with you. He got sneaky and started playing up behind your back.

This time I am not to sure what you think the reasoning is, but seems like you think it is because you are too independent. Whatever the reason is, the question to ask yourself is ... How did he deal with it?

He started going behind your back and message women. He didn't leanr from last time and sit you down to discuss how he was feeling. Didn't give you the opportunity to listen, negotiate, talk work it through.

Now think of the future. You have two children, your attention is on them, he is feeling left out or ignored. How will he deal with it? Will he talk with you, tell you how he is feeling or will he sit on the couch, messaging other women while you put the kids to bed.